Is this cheating? I caught him sexting and receiving nudes on Snapchat.

[Bellabeauty]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and exclusive for 4 months. I've seen some red flags with him early on with little things he's admitted here and there that had made me slightly suspicious of him. Like he had openly told me he was going to a strip club with his buddies on the same day he and I had date plans. I shut that down quick and told him I was not okay with that. We got into an argument because he didn't understand why I wouldn't be okay with that. His argument was, "It's just drinking with the guys and lap dances, I'm not having sex with them, geez." And my argument was, "We have only been dating 2 months and I'm not okay with having another woman dry hump you completely naked. I know you wouldn't be okay with a hot guy dry humping me. You're being selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings, so make a choice." That shut him down and he didn't wind up going. But, I started to have some trust issues with him, wondering if he would maybe start lying about his behaviors and whether he would be going secretly. 

Long story short, my suspicion of him grew much higher when I started to notice that I always saw him on Snapchat and Instagram, sometimes for HOURS when he was at home. But, he NEVER creates any sort of posts or stories. So, what the hell does he do on there?? And, why can't I reach him at home sometimes? At the same time, he started becoming possessive and slightly controlling. Calling me nonstop if I wasn't at home, wondering where I was as if I was the one not answering HIS texts. Then he started actively checking my text messages. My girlfriend was convinced he must be doing something for him to start acting this crazy. 

2 weeks ago, when he was passed out in my bed, on the insistence of my girlfriend, I bit the bullet and snooped through his phone. IG and his texts and calls were clean. Snapchat, however, was another story. 

On Snapchat, I saw that he was communicating with 2, maybe 3 different girls. The girls were like "paid professionals" girls who only create social media to sell photos and videos of themselves. They didn't show their face, didn't have their real name, and they weren't anyone he or I knew personally. But, he was sexting them, talking to them demeaningly, and demanding photos and videos of specific body parts, and then negotiating prices with the girls. Like, "Let me see those T*** and that P***, sexy A** B***" 

One of them, I discovered, he was paying to communicate with on a weekly basis. I looked at his email and saw he was paying for her stuff anywhere from 1-3 times a week.

Well a lot of things started to make sense at that point. Why he was so controlling and suspicious of my own actions. Why he he had asked me to block several guy friends simply because they made a few flirty jokes. And, then, why he couldn't always perform in the bedroom, I was lucky to get one time out of him sometimes. It wasnt until I actively complained that I wasn't satisfied and felt we were NOT sexually compatible that this started to change. But, that made me suspicious too. How was he able to suddenly change his sexual performance one week after my complaints? According to his Snapchat history, it's because his photo requests started to slow down a little. 

Long story short, I woke him up and confronted him. 

He immediately admitted what he did and apologized and begged for a second chance. He rationalized it by saying this was just a form of porn for him. I'm 100% okay with him watching porn, I do it too, and he said this was similar. He didn't personally know the girls, they didn't even show their face it was just their bodies and sexting, and he never had any live, webcam interaction with them. It was all photos and he's never had any intention of meeting them in person. From there he instantly deleted his Snapchat and swore he'd do anything to regain my trust.

He also made a point that we hadn't discussed that, whether that would be a boundary for me. He said I only ever told him the strip club thing because it was in-person interaction, so he "didn't see this as an issue." The problem here, is I could tell he didn't feel all that bad. I could tell he felt bad that it hurt me and he wanted us to work it out. But, i think in his mind, he personally views it as porn and nothing more. In his mind, it is okay because it's just photos. 

After a few days alone, I wound up giving him a 2nd chance. But, when I tell people about it, a lot of them consider what he did as cheating and an enormous violation of trust. Especially when he had been actively checking MY phone and demanding I block men just for making a pass at me. Had the roles been reversed, I feel he would have either dumped me, or started demanding more access to my phone.  and

My biggest concern here is the fact that I could tell he did not see this as a big deal, i could tell HE felt I was overreacting, as if I simply caught him watching porn. This makes me nervous because if he doesn't see this as any sort of problem, then what's to stop him from doing it again? I know that when he has asked me to stop talking to certain guy friends for making a pass, I refused because I felt they were personal friends, and it wasn't a big deal either. But, I am open and honest about it. I don't try to hide it. 

Would you consider this cheating? Do you think he's just waiting to do it again? Or, possibly still doing it and just hiding his actions a lot better this time? My anxiety is so high lately, i dont know what to think about it. 

[Wiseman2]

You don't need to define cheating to realize that there is a sea of giant red flags after dating a few  months. End it then delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. You can do much better than this guy.

[mark clemson]

For your main point, it sounds like these are what are sometimes called "cam girls".

I think the role this plays in his "libidinal life" is probably similar to masturbation fantasies. So, they are making a quick buck, he gets "enhanced" masturbation fantasies (for a price).

The problem, of course, is that unlike pure fantasies and/or porn stars, these are women who he actually communicates with in RL. Unsurprisingly, many wives/GFs don't see it the same way as porn/fantasizing, and you're certainly not the first person to post here complaining about this sort of thing.

Ultimately, as a partner, you can set whatever boundaries you want (although it's wise to keep them within reason). If this is a deal-breaker for you (completely reasonable IMO), you have the option to either tell him to cut it out completely or simply leave. If he won't/"can't" then he has the option to leave, but would more likely try to continue this surreptitiously.

My thought would be to tell him you're ok with normal porn/fantasizing, but all this other stuff has to end completely, fully, now, and forever, and if he can't do that, you're incompatible and it's only reasonable for both of you to recognize that and act accordingly. Then see how it goes. IMO there's a reasonable chance he will stop, although one can never know for certain.

[Bellabeauty]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

For your main point, it sounds like these are what are sometimes called "cam girls".

I think the role this plays in his "libidinal life" is probably similar to masturbation fantasies. So, they are making a quick buck, he gets "enhanced" masturbation fantasies (for a price).

The problem, of course, is that unlike pure fantasies and/or porn stars, these are women who he actually communicates with in RL. Unsurprisingly, many wives/GFs don't see it the same way as porn/fantasizing, and you're certainly not the first person to post here complaining about this sort of thing.

Ultimately, as a partner, you can set whatever boundaries you want (although it's wise to keep them within reason). If this is a deal-breaker for you (completely reasonable IMO), you have the option to either tell him to cut it out completely or simply leave. If he won't/"can't" then he has the option to leave, but would more likely try to continue this surreptitiously.

My thought would be to tell him you're ok with normal porn/fantasizing, but all this other stuff has to end completely, fully, now, and forever, and if he can't do that, you're incompatible and it's only reasonable for both of you to recognize that and act accordingly. Then see how it goes. IMO there's a reasonable chance he will stop, although one can never know for certain.

Yes, I'm okay with regular porn, he knows this. In fact, we sometimes watch porn together or alone.

What I was NOT okay with was his personal communication with the girls. He was sexting them, sending THEM pix and videos, and vice versa, for payments of course. I never really made this known. I had never explicitly said,  "Hey if I catch this, I'm going to leave you." I think because I was okay with porn and because I watched it with him, he made an assumption I would be okay with him also paying women for personal communication. But, no, not at all. I am not okay with him having an intimate conversation with women whether they are paid or not. Regardless, they are other women and we are in an exclusive, monogamous relationship that HE himself pushed for, I did not. 

I'm giving him a second chance. But, it's still in the back of my mind he could repeat his actions when he's comfortable and learn to hide it better. My family who knows him and loves him feel that he simply did not know and now that he understands my boundary, he will stop. But, i'm not sure. 

He knew I was uncomfortable with strip clubs and personal webcam sessions.  How could he have not known I would be uncomfortable with him paying to send and receive nudes and sext random women? 

 

 

[vla1120]

6 minutes ago, Bellabeauty said:

He knew I was uncomfortable with strip clubs and personal webcam sessions.  How could he have not known I would be uncomfortable with him paying to send and receive nudes and sext random women? 

He justified it in his mind because there was no in-person interaction.

Even if you decided you were okay with him paying for these online interactions (and like you, I would not be okay with it), my bigger issue would be that it is adversely affecting your intimacy because he cannot perform. That in itself should have been enough for him to quit. Why would he jeopardize his RL intimate relations with you for an online quickie using his hand? 

[d0nnivain]

It's not cheating but it's sort of lame / gross that he would PAY these women to talk to him.  He's not somebody I would want to date. 

BTW, just so you know in strip clubs the dancers are not fully naked.  They have on some kind of g-string & their nipples are usually covered.  To be fully naked it would have to be a "juice bar" in many states that does not serve alcohol. It's probably a distinction without a difference to you but I thought you should know 

[Violetstar]

I wouldn't consider it cheating per se. But I would see it as an enormous red flag. And like what commenter said above, he rationalized what he did because he was still following YOUR rules. It wasn't any sort of real-life interaction, technically. But, the fact is that he was doing the BARE MINIMUM in following your rules. Like he found a loophole to what your boundary was and unfortunately, he may try and find another loophole. He may try and be good he may totally change. But just keep in mind, he could try and find other ways around your rules and boundaries and that's not okay either.

In my case, my boyfriend admitted having issues with porn. Not cam girls or photos or private conversations or anything but just constant porn. And that had also been giving us issues too. He got over them though once I discussed it with him and he started changing his bad habits. The difference though is my boyfriend admitted to me later that it happened and I sort of helped him get through it.

Whereas you had to catch your boyfriend. I don't know i think porn is becoming a huuuuuuge issue for men nowadays though. porn addiction and cam girls and all that is starting to become a really bad, unhealthy habit for a lot of men right now. 

[elaine567]

He's a guy who is still playing the field.
He may be coupled up with you but he s trying his best to get around monogamy. 
Guys like this will lie and try to hoodwink their gfs/wives/partners and once her back is turned he is up to no good again.
He will still be visiting strip clubs any chance he gets and whilst he may appear to stop the cam girls, it won't last.
He is also on a slippery slope and he will need more and more extreme stuff to get his fix.
Next it may be massage parlours or he will arrange to meet these online girls for sex, or he will hire escorts.
You are not enough and you will ever be enough for him.
Don't bother wasting your time.
He is NOT LTR type material.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Bellabeauty said:

He knew I was uncomfortable with strip clubs and personal webcam sessions.  How could he have not known I would be uncomfortable with him paying to send and receive nudes and sext random women?

Yep, exactly.

[cholee]

I dated someone years ago and was in a similar situation it actually got me worked up reading this post I just had to respond.

I do think this is a form of cheating, watching porn is whatever I didn't care when my ex watched it either because I did.

However snap chatting and asking these women to send nudes and paying for them is not okay in my books, I'm assuming they are probably from Only Fans.

Giving him a second chance is your choice, however he needs to understand how his actions would make his partner feel (upset and probably insecure),

I mean how would he feel if you did what he did, had men on snapchat and had them sending you nudes, I mean he even made you delete your male friends off

social media its really not fair. I would of handled this differently 4 years ago and probably added back my males friends to despite him, however I would now take the higher road

you've confronted the situation head on he knows you don't like it, you discussed it and if he stops he really respects you and your feelings, if he continues 

then you deserve better. You have to wonder though why wouldn't he be asking you his girlfriend for some photos the women he's dating not some random woman.\

I wish you luck and hope things work out.  Feel free to message me. 

 

[BaileyB]

Oh boy... so many red flags here you could have a parade.

We don’t have to agree on the definition of cheating to understand that sexting and receiving nudes on Snapchat is not a good thing. 

I can’t actually believe you even have to ask the question...

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Bellabeauty said:

I'm giving him a second chance. 

This is condoning it. You're giving him the green light.

Additionally you have taken on the role of sex addiction police. Why? He knew very well it was off limits.

This will devolve into a cat-and-mouse game. Instead of an intimate trusting relationship, he'll hide his proclivities from you better and you'll be looking over your shoulder playing police.

 

[Bellabeauty]

On 2/5/2021 at 4:52 PM, cholee said:

I dated someone years ago and was in a similar situation it actually got me worked up reading this post I just had to respond.

What ended up happening in your situation??

 

On 2/5/2021 at 11:58 PM, Wiseman2 said:

This is condoning it. You're giving him the green light.

This is what I'm afraid of. That by me breaking it off and then forgiving him is letting him know I'm not serious about it. And, that i'll always be looking over my shoulder. I've already been feeling anxious about the relationship, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for him to do it again.

On 2/5/2021 at 1:37 PM, elaine567 said:

He is NOT LTR type material.

I got that feeling from him at the beginning when he wanted to go to the strip club the same week we had made our relationship exclusive.

I'm not trying to rationalize what he did WHATSOEVER. I will say the guy is 28 and he's never had a serious relationship before. His "relationships" have been casual hookups and 1 month flings. Even the girl he lost his virginity to had been this extremely promiscuous student who asked him for a ride home one day and then pushed him into sex at the back of a McDonalds, and then never called or checked in with him again, LOL. 

And, because the guy has NEVER had anything serious before and his foundation has been based on porn, webcam girls, only fans, and promiscuous women who have thrown themselves at him, I feel like his whole mindset on sex, intimacy, and relationships is completely warped and unhealthy. 

I've thought for a while that he might be too immature and a little too.... damaged to have a normal healthy relationship with normal, healthy sex. 

I am also afraid he's going to need more and more as time goes on and sex becomes a little stale. 

The fact that he couldn't give up PAYING for nude photos for a real, life nude woman who actually WANTS to have sex without being paid is what gets me the most. 

Was this really an unhealthy habit he developed after being single for 8 years, one he could eventually stop?

Or, does this indicate an issue on a deeper level that won't ever change? 

[DaddyDom]

In my opinion, your self esteem seems to be lacking to put up with this crap. "I'm just getting lap dances. It's not like I'm having sex with them". This should have been when you called it quits. He has no respect for you at all. Also sexting with other women IS NOT LIKE WATCHING PORN. 

Dump this f**king loser and show some pride/respect in yourself.

[JRabbit]

On 2/5/2021 at 3:50 PM, d0nnivain said:

BTW, just so you know in strip clubs the dancers are not fully naked.  They have on some kind of g-string & their nipples are usually covered.  To be fully naked it would have to be a "juice bar" in many states that does not serve alcohol. It's probably a distinction without a difference to you but I thought you should know 

Thats only in the US. Strip clubs are fully nude in Canada...

Also, run OP. Porn addictions will destroy your life and self esteem.

Edited February 24, 2021 by JRabbit

[Bellabeauty]

Update on the situation here...

He wound up doing it again. This time I caught him on Onlyfans, he claimed to have stopped his subscriptions and delete his account at the same time as Snapchat. He accidentally left the browser opened and it showed his time stamps and that he was still actively paying for subscriptions and communicating with the women so I dumped him. On Valentine's Day no less, so it was pretty painful. 

But, reading my initial post here and combining it with what happened on Valentine's Day makes me feel a little better knowing he was an extremely selfish loser and an addict and I could do much, much better. I'm calling it temporary insanity for now. 

[norealusername]

I'm a guy, I wouldn't consider this cheating. It's porn, he'll never meet any of these cam girls. I'll say it's not quite the same as just watching a porn video. He obviously has a fetish for this, sounds like he enjoys demeaning them and talking dirty. I doubt he'll ever be able to stop doing it. Who knows if he would progress to actually meeting hookers in person. I doubt many women would tolerate it.

[Fletch Lives]

Most women don't like thier guy looking at other women, it feels like cheating.

 

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

He has an addiction. You saw a problem from the very beginning and you stayed. I would try to figure out WHY, so you don't waste more time on other unavailable men.

[redglass]

There are enough red flags here to start a parade. He sounds like a total waste of space to me. Only a few months in and he’s already up to shady antics like this? Bin him and move on.