Suddenly dumped by possible fearful avoidant, how to de-escalate the situation?

[sarafina907]

NOTE: I don't know for sure that he is Fearful Avoidant - I just suspect this based on the way the breakup was triggered, escalated, and some of the things he said.

 

Backstory : Both 27 years old i'm female and he is male. Dated 2.5 months. Clearly very into each other in a way that neither of us had felt before. Everything was progressing well - he had deleted the dating apps and would ask to spend time with me consistently. No red flags in what i saw of him - if anything, i couldn't believe how lucky i'd gotten in meeting him.

I lean more anxious-attached (something i'm working on). Had one of the worst days at work i've had in a long time, leaving me quite fragile before our date. He also had a bad day. When we went on the date and both feeling off. My anxious nature was kicking in, reading into what I perceived as him pulling away that night. Night came to a head when I expressed that I was questioning how he felt and he immediately shut down, saying he thought things were going so well, and me bringing this up rattled him and caused him to question everything. I tried to explain that I was not and just having a bad day and needed reassurance, but he was already spiraling- couldn't explain how he was feeling, couldn't make eye contact, just shut down.

In retrospect I should have remained calm and given a bit of space, but this reaction caused me to spiral and try harder to talk things through in the next few days. It didn't work - 4 days later he said we should stop seeing each other. It's now been 2 weeks of basically NC (we ran into each other briefly on the street a week ago).

Other quotes from him during all this:

- "I don't know why I get like this. something triggers it and i'm stuck. it's happened my whole life and idk what it is but when it happens I get scared and don't know what to do. I can't make eye contact or think or really talk. if I had to guess it has to do with me not feeling like everything i'm doing is enough, or me being me isn't enough since I felt like that a lot as a child"

- "i'm not sure what to do, i still admire you and like you but idk if i'll be comfortable now, and then I worry about making you uncomfortable"

- "I just know i'll be in my head about things now, and it's not going to be fair to either of us to put up with me. of course I like you and am into you. I think you're fun and sexy and all the good words, we just must be on very different pages if you don't already know that because in my mind i'm making them obvious"

- "I'm not sure if walking away is the right choice, but now i don't feel the same "fervor" and I don't know if i'll be able to get to normal and i'm worried that I can't and will just waste more of both of our time"

His relationship history:

- told me he rarely likes people romantically (in the context that his feelings for me were rare). has not had a girlfriend in 6 years.

- said this type of thing hasn't happened in other romantic relationships. when it's happened in others, he doesn't know if there's ever been a positive outcome before. has always chosen to isolate. only time there's been a positive outcome is when it's happened with Family.

Advice?:

I recognize that I deserve someone who can handle the tough conversations and if he isn't willing to try at all there's nothing I can do. However I truly believe what we had was real and could be moved past if given an opportunity. it just seems like the emotional trigger was so strong he couldn't think rationally and it overtook all emotion towards me. i'm wondering if anyone has been in a situation like this before, or been on his side of it and can give some advice on the best way I can proceed to de-escalate the situation and help him feel comfortable around me again?

[Acacia98]

I think your best bet is for him to get professional help so that he learns how to deal with overwhelming situations himself. You can't really take on the responsibility for managing crises on his behalf. You'll get emotionally exhausted pretty quickly, you'll find yourself walking on eggshells around him all the time, and your emotional needs will go unmet. And then he may still dump you anyway after you've done all that hard work and made so many sacrifices. You may end up being pretty bitter.

The real question here is whether he cares enough about connecting with the people who matter to him to get help for what is clearly a debilitating problem. If he's not willing to do so once someone suggests the idea to him, this is a lost cause.

---

Also, thank you for posting. You've given me a bit of insight into the dynamics of my last proper relationship. Lemme just say that, because of that relationship, I have every intention of steering clear of complicated men for the rest of my life. 

Edited February 5, 2021 by Acacia98

[sarafina907]

Just now, Acacia98 said:

I think your best bet is for him to get professional help so that he learns how to deal with overwhelming situations himself.

I agree- though at this point i'm not even sure how to go about re-initiating contact. He is in all other contexts a very communicative and mature person. I think he would be open to it if we could get to the point of him de-triggering, but I have no idea how to go about doing that. for example:

- it's been 2 weeks since the breakup, is it too soon for me to reach out?

- if I do reach out, what's the best way to do this, and what's the right thing to say to someone having this type of shut-down? I'm a very emotional person and tend to lead with how I feel and how much I care about someone - but I understand this can be overwhelming for some. lets say we meet up, I have a feeling he'll probably be feeling very nervous and guilty if I can't find the right words to help him relax. that won't be conducive to a reconciliation

[Acacia98]

Honestly, I wouldn't initiate anything. I'd let him reach out when he finally felt comfortable to do so. In the meantime, I'd maintain NC and just focus on healing from the shock of the break-up.

Maybe you should also set the possibility of reconciliation aside. Holding onto that kind of hope under these circumstances could do you more harm than good.

[littleblackheart]

30 minutes ago, sarafina907 said:

Dated 2.5 months.

That sounds like a very intense new relationship.

You are still getting to know each other and learning how each other responds to conflict. 

At this point, I'd send him a message about something that is meaningful to the both of you / the relationship, just to tell him you are thinking of him.

I also think you should step away from the attachment style thing for now and look at him as an individual person that you care for a great deal.

All these 'avoidant' / 'clingy' qualifiers don't help. You either care enough to try and fix things (obviously you both need to be on the same page in being willing to try) at least for a bit, or you part ways with no regrets.

 

 

[sarafina907]

18 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Honestly, I wouldn't initiate anything. I'd let him reach out when he finally felt comfortable to do so. In the meantime, I'd maintain NC and just focus on healing from the shock of the break-up.

Maybe you should also set the possibility of reconciliation aside. Holding onto that kind of hope under these circumstances could do you more harm than good.

I’ve thought about this as well.. I guess part of it is the fear that he never will. If I were going to go this route, any tips for setting that hope aside? I’ve tried telling myself it’s over, distracting myself, and tried convincing myself it’s for the best but none of it has worked 

[sarafina907]

18 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

That sounds like a very intense new relationship.

You are still getting to know each other and learning how each other responds to conflict. 

At this point, I'd send him a message about something that is meaningful to the both of you / the relationship, just to tell him you are thinking of him.

I also think you should step away from the attachment style thing for now and look at him as an individual person that you care for a great deal.

All these 'avoidant' / 'clingy' qualifiers don't help. You either care enough to try and fix things (obviously you both need to be on the same page in being willing to try) at least for a bit, or you part ways with no regrets.

 

 

Do you think enough time has passed to do this? Ive read some say to wait 2 weeks, some say a month or more... I don’t want to spook him by reaching out too soon but also don’t wanna wait too long and have it come off like I’ve been pining over him for ages when he actually was able to just move on

[littleblackheart]

15 minutes ago, sarafina907 said:

Do you think enough time has passed to do this? Ive read some say to wait 2 weeks, some say a month or more... I don’t want to spook him by reaching out too soon but also don’t wanna wait too long and have it come off like I’ve been pining over him for ages when he actually was able to just move on

There's no way of knowing how he feels or when the time is right for him, but sometimes, people need a bit of a reassuring nudge after what looks like a bit of a freakout.

 I would have thought 2 weeks after a 2.5 month-relationship is fine. 

Remember, this might not go the way you want it to go but at least you can say you have tried 🙂. I'd do it in a heartbeat for someone I feel a true connection with.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/5/2021 at 2:33 PM, sarafina907 said:

- "I'm not sure if walking away is the right choice, but now i don't feel the same "fervor" and I don't know if i'll be able to get to normal and i'm worried that I can't and will just waste more of both of our time"

He is simply saying "I'm just not that into you" in the kindest way he can, after 10 weeks dating. 

[basil67]

Given that he believed he was doing everything right, it sounds to me like your insecurity outburst was a major turn off for him and his view of you and the relationship changed like a switch.   It can happen, and it doesn't mean that he's Fearful Avoidant or any other label.   It just means that he had an epiphany that what he thought was good and solid, was actually not secure at all.    This isn't a 'tough conversation' to be had, it's a big waving red flag.

Thinking further, I would suggest that if he was really the right person for you, being with him after a bad day at work should have been a salve rather than a trigger.  Perhaps he wasn't giving you what you needed in the relationship?

Edited February 6, 2021 by basil67

[sarafina907]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

He is simply saying "I'm just not that into you" in the kindest way he can, after 10 weeks dating. 

Hm, that’s tough to hear. You certainly could be right, only reason I’ve questioned that being the case is everything else he said about being confused and his childhood and being triggered and all that. 

[sarafina907]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Given that he believed he was doing everything right, it sounds to me like your insecurity outburst was a major turn off for him and his view of you and the relationship changed like a switch.   It can happen, and it doesn't mean that he's Fearful Avoidant or any other label.   It just means that he had an epiphany that what he thought was good and solid, was actually not secure at all.    This isn't a 'tough conversation' to be had, it's a big waving red flag.

Thinking further, I would suggest that if he was really the right person for you, being with him after a bad day at work should have been a salve rather than a trigger.  Perhaps he wasn't giving you what you needed in the relationship?

 that’s rough! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to relate to that... if my feelings are strong for someone the way that he claimed they were and I know mine were, I can’t just flip a switch in a matter of moments

[ShyViolet]

I think you are going down the wrong road in trying to psycho-analyze him.  It almost sounds like you are trying to play therapist here.  That is not your place.  

He broke up with you.  He is either not in a place where he's emotionally ready to date, or he's just not that into you.  Or maybe a little of both.  Either way, you need to believe him.  Reaching back out to someone who broke up with you to try and get them back rarely works.  It sounds like you are not accepting this breakup, but unfortunately you will have no choice but to accept it.

Edited February 7, 2021 by ShyViolet

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, sarafina907 said:

I’ve thought about this as well.. I guess part of it is the fear that he never will. If I were going to go this route, any tips for setting that hope aside? I’ve tried telling myself it’s over, distracting myself, and tried convincing myself it’s for the best but none of it has worked 

Yes. I do have a suggestion for you. Focus on yourself and continuing to get help for your anxious attachment. I'm guessing it's part of what's making it so difficult for you to let go.

I agree with the person who says you should not play therapist. You have your own struggles to deal with. Taking up his struggles too will likely lead to your neglecting yours. I'm trying to think of an analogy here. The one that comes to mind is someone with pneumonia jumping into the pool to rescue someone who seems to be drowning. I know... It is over the top. But I hope it conveys the need to put yourself and your emotional health first.

[Mrin]

I'm in the camp of "psycho-analyze you and him all you want". Try using anything to gain a better understanding of the situation. And based on the comments attributed to him, I don't think you're far off. About either of you.

All that being said - if you two really have those attachment styles then you also know that this relationship was inherently unstable and this was bound to happen sooner or later. And it should not be resurrected.

If you want to stick with attachment theory, then you should ONLY date Secure styles.

Best of luck!

Mrin

[basil67]

1 hour ago, sarafina907 said:

 that’s rough! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to relate to that... if my feelings are strong for someone the way that he claimed they were and I know mine were, I can’t just flip a switch in a matter of moments

It was only two and a half months.  While you may have been very fond of him, you were still very much in the 'getting to know you' stage. 

You also don't know what his history is: if he's had a previous girlfriend who had relationship anxiety, he'd be super aware for signs of this behaviour so that he could avoid it in future relationships.   We all have things we look to avoid in a partner:  mine is people who are pessimistic - I run a mile from them because of previous experiences with a pessimist.

And the fact remains that rather than being comforted by his presence after a bad day, what you experienced when you were with him were negative feelings.  Something in the relationship wasn't right for you.

Edited February 7, 2021 by basil67

[lana-banana]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He is simply saying "I'm just not that into you" in the kindest way he can, after 10 weeks dating. 

This. It is extremely normal to end a relationship by putting it all on your own shoulders---that way, the other person can't offer to fix it or talk you into staying. I once ended a very new (not even 3 months) relationship by babbling incoherently about how my work-related anxiety made me unable to date. I wasn't trying to hurt him, I just had no idea how to explain that I wasn't feeling it anymore.

[Watercolors]

On 2/5/2021 at 1:33 PM, sarafina907 said:

I recognize that I deserve someone who can handle the tough conversations and if he isn't willing to try at all there's nothing I can do. However I truly believe what we had was real and could be moved past if given an opportunity. it just seems like the emotional trigger was so strong he couldn't think rationally and it overtook all emotion towards me. i'm wondering if anyone has been in a situation like this before, or been on his side of it and can give some advice on the best way I can proceed to de-escalate the situation and help him feel comfortable around me again?

I'm sure what you felt between you and he, was real. However, he wasn't interested in you beyond the 2.5 months that you'd dated, when you confronted him about where this connection was headed. That is when you scared him away, actually. It has nothing to do with either his or your relationship attachment style. It has everything to do with you not managing your expectations well, because you just randomly confronted him without any warning demanding to know if he was interested dating you exclusively, and seriously. Never ever do that again. 

You can't de-escalate that situation because it's over now. You scared him away with your behavior. Next time, after 2.5 months, try to manage your relationship expectations better. Approach the topic of exclusivity in a calmer fashion and not so abruptly like you did with this guy. It's an easy mistake for you to fix. You have high expectations and you expect the guy to be in-line with your expectations, so when you find out he's not, you get upset and blame him for being deficient psychologically, as a way to soothe yourself. I know that sounds harsh. 

The two-and-a-half month mark is still the honeymoon phase. That's not when exclusivity is discussed. Exclusivity is usually only discussed when you've really spent about 4-6 months with each other. But 2.5 months? Not enough time to know if you want to be with someone for the long term. And don't get caught up in attachment styles so much as an excuse or rationale for behavior. It's easy to slap a label on someone to explain their behavior, but it's not always accurate. 

[sarafina907]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

I'm sure what you felt between you and he, was real. However, he wasn't interested in you beyond the 2.5 months that you'd dated, when you confronted him about where this connection was headed. That is when you scared him away, actually. It has nothing to do with either his or your relationship attachment style. It has everything to do with you not managing your expectations well, because you just randomly confronted him without any warning demanding to know if he was interested dating you exclusively, and seriously. Never ever do that again. 

You can't de-escalate that situation because it's over now. You scared him away with your behavior. Next time, after 2.5 months, try to manage your relationship expectations better. Approach the topic of exclusivity in a calmer fashion and not so abruptly like you did with this guy. It's an easy mistake for you to fix. You have high expectations and you expect the guy to be in-line with your expectations, so when you find out he's not, you get upset and blame him for being deficient psychologically, as a way to soothe yourself. I know that sounds harsh. 

The two-and-a-half month mark is still the honeymoon phase. That's not when exclusivity is discussed. Exclusivity is usually only discussed when you've really spent about 4-6 months with each other. But 2.5 months? Not enough time to know if you want to be with someone for the long term. And don't get caught up in attachment styles so much as an excuse or rationale for behavior. It's easy to slap a label on someone to explain their behavior, but it's not always accurate. 

Appreciate your input but on this I totally don’t agree. During the time we were together he had mentioned of his own accord that he really liked me, had stopped seeing the other girls he was talking to, and had deleted the dating apps. I did not ask him any of that, nor did I tell him I had done the same or push him on exclusivity. I also didn’t mention exclusivity at all in this instance, the only thing that came up was that he wasn’t touchy with me that night and so I called his sexual attraction into question. That being said, even if I had had expectations of exclusivity at that point- which again, I did not, based on him behaving the way he did and making those comments it would not have been unexpected and if anything an issue of him leading me on by voicing the fact that I’m the only girl he’s dating.
 

the only reason psychology of it came to mind was because of the comments he made about shutting down throughout his life due to childhood issues of never feeling good enough, and the physical symptoms he described such as being unable to think, speak or make eye contact when triggered. I’m well aware and in agreement with some of the comments that the reality is he just may not have been feeling it, but your accusations of me “driving him away” are way off. 

[Watercolors]

9 minutes ago, sarafina907 said:

so I called his sexual attraction into question.

Hence, you scared him away. Can you not see how confrontational that is? I mean, I understand if you asked him, "I sense you pulling away. Is there something wrong?" But you wrote as if you just straight up accused him of not being interested in you any longer. How did you ask him if he was still interested in you? 

I don't think I'm way off. It's never wise to confront someone you're newly dating about their interest level. That will always backfire. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, sarafina907 said:

 he said about being confused and his childhood and being triggered and all that. 

He senses that the best approach with someone who won't let go or who's clingy is the "it's me not you", exit strategy.

[ExpatInItaly]

After just 2.5 months together, it's not worth trying to figure out how to "de-escalate."

It hurts but don't try to analyze this one. He wanted out. Whatever his reasoning, it's best not to over-invest yourself trying to fix it. 

[littleblackheart]

6 hours ago, sarafina907 said:

Appreciate your input but on this I totally don’t agree. During the time we were together he had mentioned of his own accord that he really liked me, had stopped seeing the other girls he was talking to, and had deleted the dating apps. I did not ask him any of that, nor did I tell him I had done the same or push him on exclusivity. I also didn’t mention exclusivity at all in this instance, the only thing that came up was that he wasn’t touchy with me that night and so I called his sexual attraction into question. That being said, even if I had had expectations of exclusivity at that point- which again, I did not, based on him behaving the way he did and making those comments it would not have been unexpected and if anything an issue of him leading me on by voicing the fact that I’m the only girl he’s dating.
 

the only reason psychology of it came to mind was because of the comments he made about shutting down throughout his life due to childhood issues of never feeling good enough, and the physical symptoms he described such as being unable to think, speak or make eye contact when triggered. I’m well aware and in agreement with some of the comments that the reality is he just may not have been feeling it, but your accusations of me “driving him away” are way off. 

This changes things a bit from the original post, especially the part where you say

On 2/5/2021 at 7:33 PM, sarafina907 said:

Clearly very into each other in a way that neither of us had felt before

 In hindsight, this looks rushed, a bit like precipitated intimacy. Forget the attachment style thing: he sounds like a bit of smooth talker with a dash of love-bombing at the beginning, he realised he wasn't sexually attracted to you then sold you a sob story about his sad childhood to get out of it.

You can absolutely reach out to him if you want, there's no law that says you can't, though you'll most likely be left on read.  

Or

He is exactly who he says he is, a bit emotionally unavailable, in which case he'll welcome your reaching out, you'll talk things out and reach an adult-like, sensible resolution and or continuation to your situation at a different pace through communicating effectively.

 

Edited February 7, 2021 by littleblackheart
redacted unnecessary sentence and added more stuff

[ShyViolet]

I think you scared him off with your intensity.  You cannot psychoanalyze or "de-escalate" your way out of this situation.  All this talk of his attachment style  is muddying the waters, when really what you are doing is not wanting to accept this breakup.  He wasn't feeling it anymore.  The best thing you can do for yourself is accept that and begin moving on.

[littleblackheart]

I've learned from being on both sides of the equation that the decent thing to do is to tell people the truth when you are not feeling it.

Most people are perfectly well equipped to deal with a 'sorry, not actually feeling it', and I think it's completely reasonable to expect someone you've had a relationship with, however short, to be held accountable for 'leading you on' for a bit.

It's not about not being able to move on from a breakup or 'needing closure' imo, it's really about wanting to be treated in a respectful and mature way.

At 27, this guy should know better than to break things off in that way. 'It's not you it's me' isn't hiding behind a dysfunctional past or telling you he's experiencing a freakout. That's not the way to do it.

That said, there's no 'making' him tell you straight up the actual reason for the breakup, OP.