Suddenly dumped by possible fearful avoidant, how to de-escalate the situation?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

That said, there's no 'making' him tell you straight up the actual reason for the breakup

Agree. Unfortunately in an attempt to let someone down easy and use the 'it's me, not you' excuse, it tends to give people false hope that if they 'fix' this they'll be back together.

[littleblackheart]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Unfortunately in an attempt to let someone down easy and use the 'it's me, not you' excuse, it tends to give people false hope that if they 'fix' this they'll be back together.

The traditional 'it's not you it's me' line isn't so dramatic as what this guy said, though. That's a bit too over the top imo (enough for it to be real potentially), which explains OP's reaction.

It's either his player's handbook tried and tested formula for breaking things off (easy for him, and only him) when he wants out, or it's sincere, in which case it's not a line and OP might want to check he's ok, as any decent person would do; not necessarily to rekindle things.

It's not because you break up with someone that all of a sudden they become dead to you. You can move on symbolically yet still manage to keep some level of contact when there's been no abuse or too much dysfunction. Yes it doesn't always work that way because life, but it can do.

 

 

Edited February 7, 2021 by littleblackheart

[sarafina907]

18 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

The traditional 'it's not you it's me' line isn't so dramatic as what this guy said, though. That's a bit too over the top imo (enough for it to be real potentially), which explains OP's reaction.

It's either his player's handbook tried and tested formula for breaking things off (easy for him, and only him) when he wants out, or it's sincere, in which case it's not a line and OP might want to check he's ok, as any decent person would do; not necessarily to rekindle things..

 

 

Thanks. He is not a player, i'm confident that the reaction from him was sincere. I recognize that this doesn't mean there is necessarily a path forward for us, and the reality of it is that maybe he is just turned off me now and that's the end of it. BUT - some of the comments have suggested that this is almost normal behavior on his part and that this all happened solely because I voiced my insecurity to him too early or in the wrong way which is very surprising to me because that type of behavior on his part is not normal and i've never seen someone react this way to a situation ever before in my life. I've been on both sides of the "just not feeling it, it's not you it's me" coin, and never has it played out like a total 180 in the span of a few moments conversation. 

I'm typically a pretty self aware & level-headed person and can also take responsibility for my part in any situation but it takes 2 to tango here and his reaction was totally extreme over a pretty small issue. There was no days leading up to it where he acted off, just a sudden total shut down. He himself admitted to having this type of shutdown even with Family and with others in his life in the past...

I'm well aware that he may just not want to be with me anymore and that's something i'll have to come to terms with if I reach out and it doesn't go well. All I was wondering from this forum is the best way to reach out to someone that had this type of sudden emotional reaction, and if there's a way to relax them and be comfortable around each other again. I also know that some of it needs to come from him and I can't force anything, but he is important to me and I just want to give it a last go & am trying to find the best way to do so.

Edited February 8, 2021 by sarafina907

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, sarafina907 said:

All I was wondering from this forum is the best way to reach out to someone that had this type of sudden emotional reaction, and if there's a way to relax them and be comfortable around each other again. 

I think that if this relationship had been longer and more serious, my advice would be different. 

As it was just 2.5 months? I personally wouldn't waste my time. If he is this quick to bail, dating him in any serious capacity is going to be nearly impossible. 

[littleblackheart]

1 hour ago, sarafina907 said:

All I was wondering from this forum is the best way to reach out to someone that had this type of sudden emotional reaction, and if there's a way to relax them and be comfortable around each other again. I also know that some of it needs to come from him and I can't force anything, but he is important to me and I just want to give it a last go & am trying to find the best way to do so.

Completely with you on that. 2.5 months or 25 years is irrelevant when someone is important to you.

How about a song, a lighthearted quote, a meaninful poem, an inside joke with a personalised note - nothing too heavy, just a little thing that will make him smile without overwhelming him, so he knows you're not holding his freakout against him. Even if nothing comes of it, you'll have given it your best shot + showing someone you care is never a bad thing 🙂.