What does it mean when a guy says 'I want to see where things go'

[Menara]

That being said: I have no expectations of this actually working to become a relationship. If it does, great, but I'm ok if it doesn't. I feel that things don't always need to be black or white. I feel there can be different levels of commitment. I have a great life: good job (great income), lots of friends, I'm close to my family, I have my kids, and more hobbies than I have time for. I actually gave a lot of thought to future relationships, and I'm not sure I would want to get married again, and not even sure I would want to move in with someone again, or not for a while (I live right next to the kids' school, and my place would be too small to accommodate an extra person and I'm not moving anywhere where kids would need to change schools). 

What I'm saying is that I would like to be able to relax on the sexual front. I would like to be with someone, perhaps on casual terms to start, but sexually exclusive, and see if it develops into something more over time. To be honest, to worry of STDs and now of Covid is making things a bit stressful. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Menara

[Gaeta]

I have read your last thread and I don't see why this  man needs to live with his ex. Everything went to court, they are divorced, the law has already separated their common assets, the farm was determined as NOT a common asset so he needs to buy her out. That being said he doesn't live from the farm but from construction. Why he needs to live there to buy  her out is a total mystery. 

If you worry about std please continue protecting yourself. I can tell you all about living with an std as I am. 

The thing is this man hasn't tasted his freedom yet. Once he moves out, the covid is gone, he probably won't move on with the woman he comforted himself with. They rarely move on with the 'comfort' woman. 

[Miss Spider]

He’s keeping his options wide open 

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

He’s keeping his options wide open 

As should she be after only four dates.  Doesn't mean they're exercising those options, but they remain open.

Nothing wrong with that imo, it's only been four dates.

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

As should she be after only four dates.  Doesn't mean they're exercising those options, but they're open.

Nothing wrong with that imo, it's only been four dates.

 

We changed subject 🙂 OP dating a man still living with his ex wife.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We changed subject 🙂 OP dating a man still living with his ex wife.

So it's not about the OP's friend, but rather about her, the OP?  And she's dating a man still living with his ex?

 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So it's not about the OP's friend, but rather about her, the OP?  And she's dating a man still living with his ex?

 

Yep! Read the last 2 pages she summarizes it. She also has a previous thread about it.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Menara said:

But I feel women have this reputation of trying to "trap" men in relationships, so just worried he will interpret this as me asking for things to get "too serious"

It's not a matter of trying to "trap" someone, most women prefer monogamy and being able to believe that he desires these things as well, and that with her he is able to grow deeper feelings.

[girlnextdoor2020]

There’s a new word for what is going on with your friend: situationship. 

She is in a situationship with this guy.

[Miss Spider]

This is an age old thing ppl say when they’re not that into you but wanna keep you around(in this case keep dipping into cookie jar)
 

want to see where things go  =want to see if I start liking you more. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[girlnextdoor2020]

7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

This is an age old thing ppl say when they’re not that into you but wanna keep you around(in this case keep dipping into cookie jar)
 

want to see where things go  =want to see if I start liking you more. 

Or = someone better comes along...

Edited February 6, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

This is an age old thing ppl say when they’re not that into you but wanna keep you around(in this case keep dipping into cookie jar)

I don't think that's always the case. 

I've said it, and it had nothing to do with wanting to date other men, but I've also had it said to me in the past.

But I agree that the statement is "casual" in its intent.

Edited February 7, 2021 by Alpaca

[snowboy91]

12 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well guess what, some women do not want marriage and kids. I’m one of them.

I want a serious committed relationship but I do not want to get married (again) and have kids.

I just want to enjoy my life with a great partner.

So saying all women that want commitment want to get married and kids is a wrong assumption.

And if they do want that, there’s nothing wrong about it and they should know where they stand with a guy (as in what are his life goals).

I said a guy would be nervous about getting that talk - I never said that that's what all women want. My point was more about a guy getting too many expectations thrown at them too quickly (whatever those expectations are - I know they're not quite the same for everyone) and expecting to be "really into" someone by the first date as per what I bolded from your post earlier - if I misinterpreted that, apologies.

(bit in bold) You're absolutely right about that - it's obviously helpful to know if a relationship has potential to go somewhere as opposed to it just being a bit of fun. But I don't think that's incompatible with feeling your way through the first few dates to see if there's something there without necessarily imposing a huge number of expectations.

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I don't think that's always the case. 

I've said it, and it had nothing to do with wanting to date other men, but I've also had it said to me in the past.

But I agree that the statement is "casual" in its intent.

In this case it’s about continuing to dipping into the cookie jar, but not always( If OP thinks he is not open to others she’s playing her self)but it is always about not being interested enough in the person to commit to them in any capacity. 

[Alpacalia]

25 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

In this case it’s about continuing to dipping into the cookie jar, but not always( If OP thinks he is not open to others she’s playing her self)but it is always about not being interested enough in the person to commit to them in any capacity. 

Perhaps you're right.

[Menara]

I'm getting a little confused on who is commenting on what topic, which is entirely my fault for starting a new topic within a topic.

As per my friend: I realize there are lots of dating rules. But that being said, it seems that after only 4 dates his statement was maybe more about sensing her to be too eager and him, not necessarily not being interested but just buying a little time to make sure he was equally interested before getting more committed. I mean, 4 dates is really not much! You don't even know a person that well after 6 months!

In per my situation: I've done enough dating to know that this person is interested. For now... I'm a realist, and I know that once he's out of his stupid situation, he might suddenly discover that he has wings. Frankly at the pace that he's been getting out of the mess of his past relationship, this might last a while! And while I like him, and I wouldn't mind if things got more serious, I'm not that fragile of a person that I'll fall apart if it doesn't. I think I'm just in a bit of a phase where I'm exhausted of dating, exhausted of juggling multiple sexual partners, and want to take a few months rest at least. If things don't progress, I'll definitely live! 

[Watercolors]

9 minutes ago, Menara said:

I'm getting a little confused on who is commenting on what topic, which is entirely my fault for starting a new topic within a topic.

As per my friend: I realize there are lots of dating rules. But that being said, it seems that after only 4 dates his statement was maybe more about sensing her to be too eager and him, not necessarily not being interested but just buying a little time to make sure he was equally interested before getting more committed. I mean, 4 dates is really not much! You don't even know a person that well after 6 months!

In per my situation: I've done enough dating to know that this person is interested. For now... I'm a realist, and I know that once he's out of his stupid situation, he might suddenly discover that he has wings. Frankly at the pace that he's been getting out of the mess of his past relationship, this might last a while! And while I like him, and I wouldn't mind if things got more serious, I'm not that fragile of a person that I'll fall apart if it doesn't. I think I'm just in a bit of a phase where I'm exhausted of dating, exhausted of juggling multiple sexual partners, and want to take a few months rest at least. If things don't progress, I'll definitely live! 

Hi Menara, 

I am confused about who this thread is about. Is it about you, or your friend? 

If it's about your friend, then, yes, 4 dates is too soon for her to expect him to want a full-blown, exclusive relationship with her. Only he knows his interest level in your friend. We can speculate based on our collective personal dating experiences here, but we can't predict what he will do as far as your friend is concerned. I agree with you that 4 dates in, the people are still complete strangers to each other - sex or no sex. What has happened since that post coital conversation with him and your friend? 

I don't know what your situation is. Did you create another thread about it? 

[Alpacalia]

Menara this happened to me, except the guy in question came on very strong, not sexually, but otherwise. He threw out the "don't fall for each other too fast" line and I was like, what?

You're coming on strong with ME and then pumping the brakes. Talk about mixed signals.

I hope that's not the case here.

[Fletch Lives]

Either the guy is just not into her or he's not very smooth.... I would have replied, "I like being with my babygirl too!"

However, it's a little early to be passing judgement.......... they are not in love yet, nor should they be.

I would see how things go for a few more weeks.

Edited February 7, 2021 by Fletch Lives

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Menara said:

. To be honest, to worry of STDs and now of Covid is making things a bit stressful. 

Adding to that stress is pretending you're ok with him living with his "ex", and ok with open relationships.

The problem is 2 or 3 bad men/relationships  do not add up to one good one.

You don't seem ready to date. You seem all over the place. You also have strange views about "entrapment". 

Somewhere along the way, someone seems to have destroyed your self respect and convinced you, you deserve nothing but crumbs, leftovers and cheaters.

Perhaps you are trying to fill emotional voids through sex, and can't understand why you are so empty.

[Menara]

On 2/7/2021 at 3:57 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Adding to that stress is pretending you're ok with him living with his "ex", and ok with open relationships.

The problem is 2 or 3 bad men/relationships  do not add up to one good one.

You don't seem ready to date. You seem all over the place. You also have strange views about "entrapment". 

Somewhere along the way, someone seems to have destroyed your self respect and convinced you, you deserve nothing but crumbs, leftovers and cheaters.

Perhaps you are trying to fill emotional voids through sex, and can't understand why you are so empty.

@Wiseman2 I disagree with your comment. I'm actually quite ready to date seriously and to find love again. However, my experiences these past years since my separation (after an 18 year relationship) has been with either men that want to commit but that I'm not attracted to or men that I'm attracted to but don't want to commit. I did have a one year relationship with someone somewhere in there that was an exception (but didn't work out for various reasons).

But the last 7 months, since that relationship ended have been quite disappointing. It was really affecting my mood for a while, I seriously thought something was wrong me, that perhaps I was unlovable etc. Not a good place to be. So, I started seeing my therapist again, and feel that I am in a better place now where I am slowly coming to accept that if I don't find a life partner again, if I don't find love again, it's ok. I'll be ok. It was not easy since I've essentially been in relationships my entire life, and being happy with just myself, by myself is not something I'm used to. 

But I've come to accept that I might not find the right person again, or that it might take a very very long time, and that in fact I am happier alone than with the wrong person. Coming to that conclusion really took some of the pressure off dating, and also makes me not fall so easily for someone (that was a bit on an issue I had, and I would get my heart broken often). I am not blind to the failings of certain men in my life (like J), and that this will not go anywhere. But it's Covid, and it's not easy to meet people these days. He provides some fun company, sex, cuddles. It feels good even if I know it most likely won't last. I have learned to have no expectations and just enjoy the moment. We're in a lockdown over here, so options are otherwise limited. Once things loosen up, I'll probably go on some dates again with other people. But I don't want searching for a relationship to become too time consuming. It is in some ways no longer such a priority in my life as I've taken a step back to focus on other things such as family, friends and hobbies.

Edited February 8, 2021 by Menara

[caputo77]

There’s a lot of black and white thinking happening in this thread. I think equating “let’s take things slow and see where they go” to “I’m a player and I’m not that interested in a relationship with you and I’m going to be vague and lie to you about it so I can keep getting sex” is a very unfair jump, and is also a pretty damaging thought pattern. Look up cognitive distortions. That is basically what half the answers on this thread seem like to me. 

I think the bottom line is....what was he supposed to say that would’ve been “right”? OP’s friend didn’t ask him what he was looking for but I think this thread has kind of led into a debate on what answers are or are not “acceptable” to that question. IMO, it’s a trick question. If he said he wanted casual, he would’ve been attacked for treating it like more than that and not being up front prior to sex. If he said right then and there he wanted a relationship, it’s very possible he’d be getting attacked a month or two down the line for "leading her on" by going all in before he was sure and later ending things.

 If I had to pick an answer to this question that I’d find close to “acceptable”, I actually think his answer would be it! I think what he was trying to do was be honest, communicative, and respectful of her feelings to the best of his ability at the early stage of their relationship. Not being 100% sure and ready to raise her hopes about a relationship after four dates does NOT mean “he’s just not that into you”. In fact, I think one could argue the contrary. For me, a man who wants to take his time getting to know me and emotionally connecting to me prior to jumping into a relationship shows maturity and an interest in building something authentic. Doesn’t matter if sex is happening in conjunction with this as long as that effort for emotional connection and getting to know one another on a deeper level is still there (which by OP’s description, it sounds like it is because he is certainly putting forth effort with this woman). 

Anyways, this is why I don’t ask men what they’re looking for anymore when I’m just getting to know them. It’s a trick question, it gets everyone in their heads about the whole thing, it sucks the fun out of just relaxing into getting to know someone, and there’s not really a satisfactory way to answer. Things have been a lot easier for me in the dating world since I stopped automatically assuming things like this meant a man has negative intentions with me.

My advice to OP's friend would be to take what he said at face value, keep it in your back pocket, and see what happens over a few more weeks. If things don't progress in any way during that time, then you can probably try to have another conversation and cut your losses THEN if he still seems wishy-washy. But right now it sounds like she's having a good time, enjoying getting to know him, and he's been kind and respectful to her. I wouldn't let this "trick question" ruin what is supposed to be the fun part about dating -- getting to know someone exciting and new!