Surprised to be in this position

[Marc878]

The problem with marriage counseling  is you probably have less than a 50% chance of getting a good one. This field is full of incompetents. She may even cause more harm than good. If she’d even go.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, HusbandtoaYOUNGERWIFE said:

she is a successful realtor with rich friends, and attends destination weddings in other countries. More than likely it's some I already know in her circle 

Tough crowd to compete against. I wouldn't assume she's cheating, but as pointed out some signs are there. Mentally 1/2 way out the door appears quite possible/probable too, unfortunately. Again, it's always hard to know for sure. If it was me, I suspect I'd be on the lookout for both those possibilities, I must admit. I think you should think long and hard about what you feel makes the most sense to do.

Edited February 6, 2021 by mark clemson

[basil67]

3 hours ago, HusbandtoaYOUNGERWIFE said:

talking about it, of course initial reaction is denial but no anger 

What exactly are you talking about?   She's given you a list of things she's unhappy about and is now denying that she's unhappy?

 

[HusbandtoaYOUNGERWIFE]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

The problem with marriage counseling  is you probably have less than a 50% chance of getting a good one. This field is full of incompetents. She may even cause more harm than good. If she’d even go.

Agreed, thats not any sort of solution

[HusbandtoaYOUNGERWIFE]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

Keeps it with her. Turns it away or down when you walk by. Secretive with it.

It sounds like you know what’s going on. This isn’t a court of law where you must have concrete proof. You just need enough for you.

True That 

[d0nnivain]

I think you can turn this around.  Are you taking care of your appearance?  If not, start.  Come up with fun youthful activities you can do together.

Stop letting her go to these destination weddings alone.  She probably resents flying solo at what should be a couple's event. 

Show her you love her.  Seriously.  Go all out for Valentine's Day. 

[HusbandtoaYOUNGERWIFE]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I think you can turn this around.  Are you taking care of your appearance?  If not, start.  Come up with fun youthful activities you can do together.

Stop letting her go to these destination weddings alone.  She probably resents flying solo at what should be a couple's event. 

Show her you love her.  Seriously.  Go all out for Valentine's Day. 

Ding Ding Ding!  We have a winner 

[Marc878]

From what I’ve seen. Trying to “nice them back” or doing the “pick me dance” works the opposite of what you’d expect. It actually works against you. If she has another man and that’s what the signs point to those actions will make you look weak and unattractive because her other man takes what he wants without kissing her butt. 
 

A lot go that route because it’s conflict avoidant and easier to do but you lose respect. Which is a big thing. If a woman doesn’t respect you its a losing situation. 
 

Try going your own way. Read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover it’s a free pdf download and short. 
 

Strength (mental) is attractive. Weakness is not.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Marc878

[basil67]

Isn't the basis of marriage about listening to a partner and making changes to how we behave if we believe it's warranted?   Rushing to divorce instead of fixing areas where we've been a bit lax sounds a bit rash to me.  

[Marc878]

12 hours ago, HusbandtoaYOUNGERWIFE said:

After only three years of marriage, my wife has said and done things over the past three (3) Months that give me concern. 

 

The List

1. We are not on the same page

2. You look old

Compared to whom?

3. New Hair Color & Style

For whom? You or someone else?

4. Increased Office Hours

Time away. Does her pay reflect that?

5. Feels Taken for Granted by me.

6. On her phone until 3 AM at times.

Common sense. This is not customers.

7. Wants to Travel Alone

Or with someone else.

My wife is 5 year younger and could pass for mid 30s in age.

Whats the prognosis here ? Affair? Divorce?

 

 

I’ve  outlined the obvious red flags. They point to an affair. 
 

If that’s what you’re trying to deal with and it sure looks like it then this should help.
 

An affair trumps everything. Spouse, marriage, family. Ignore it if you want but in order for you to have a chance at saving your marriage if that’s what you seek. The affair must end. The longer they go the tougher they are to break.

You can’t compete with her boyfriend. She is married to you but has already picked him over you. 

It’s seems right now you’re afraid to make her mad. If you stay in that mode you will lose.

Your only good option is find out who it is and expose the affair. Affairs thrive in secret and darkness. You shine a bright light on it. Not so much.

I’ll be honest if it were me I’d just let her go. Once they step out of the marriage do you really want that back? What would you be getting back.

[Marc878]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Isn't the basis of marriage about listening to a partner and making changes to how we behave if we believe it's warranted?   Rushing to divorce instead of fixing areas where we've been a bit lax sounds a bit rash to me.  

If it’s normal marital problems yes but it sounds like from what he’s written it’s far more than that. Read the signs on his first post.

If its cheating and it looks to be. Cheaters lie and blameshift a lot.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

Unfortunately I’ve been up close to 2 family members and 3 friends who went through this. They all follow the same basic script.

[HappilyMarried]

Hey @HusbandtoaYOUNGERWIFEa question does she have a Iphone? If so her calls and texts could be set to the cloud and you can get technology (not sure what it is called) but some on here can tell you that would give you access to her messages. Also you could put a VAR in her car and if you have a PC in your home she uses a keylogger. Just some ideas or even hire a PI. Hope it is nothing but a mid-life crisis but it does not sound good at all. Good luck!

[HusbandtoaYOUNGERWIFE]

Resolution is to be the best person I can be and the outcome will be based on my positive actions 

 

thanks everyone, I think I am good for now.

 

Cheers

[usa1ah]

You can’t nice your wife back to you. 
 

If she is in an emotional or physical affair you can not get her back by playing the pick me game. In other words going all out for valentines is not going to work.
 

If you can hire a PI that knows how to get her text messages, do so. A good PI is worth it. You can look up a divorce lawyer to find out who they would use. Get a consult with the best one in your area. 

With everything you have said about her changing her looks and phone guarding, if sounds like she is already cheating in one way or the other. Emotional or physical. 
 

I wouldn’t confront her again until you either get some answers or you have just had enough of her crap. 

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Trying to “nice them back” or doing the “pick me dance” works the opposite of what you’d expect. It actually works against you. If she has another man and that’s what the signs point to those actions will make you look weak and unattractive because her other man takes what he wants without kissing her butt.

If there is another man, it is too late.  I'm not certain there is but I agree things may be going in the direction.  IF she hasn't crossed the line yet, there is still hope.  I don't want him to beg, or nice her back.  I certainly don't want him to do the "pick me dance" which is weak & unattractive.  I do want him to step up & be the romantic youthful man she craves; to be the man she fell in love with. 

[Interstellar]

A lot of times when I’m out in public i see a lot of men who are unkempt in appearance, t-shirt, frayed jeans, well worn shoes while their wives or girlfriends are dressed to the nines and look like a cover model for Macy’s or Sears (if that’s still a thing). I think you really should strive to look neat and presentable as you indicated. It doesn’t really cost much to invest in nice collared shirts and I prefer slack pants over jeans.Ask her advice on what color to choose. Nice black slacks goes with anything.And also, you may stand to lose a couple pounds too. And take care of your skin as well. Our face is the first thing people notice. 

But isn’t it funny when her interest level is in the 90’s that’s never an issue?

Edited February 7, 2021 by Interstellar

[Marc878]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If there is another man, it is too late.  I'm not certain there is but I agree things may be going in the direction.  IF she hasn't crossed the line yet, there is still hope.  I don't want him to beg, or nice her back.  I certainly don't want him to do the "pick me dance" which is weak & unattractive.  I do want him to step up & be the romantic youthful man she craves; to be the man she fell in love with. 

All signs point in that direction. My sister was a wayward, 3 of my friends went through this 1 - wife left him for her boss, 1- left for her chiropractor, 1- left for her doctor so I’m unfortunately well versed in infidelity. 
 

An affair trumps everything. What you are suggesting is a form of the “pick me dance”. He can go that route if he chooses but I’ve seen this play out too many times up close. The guys wife who left for the chiropractor. He bought cards flowers etc. If anything it just made him look worse. Rewarding her for her current behavior will not get him a thing IMO.

You are correct once they step out it’s extremely tough to end it.

Edited February 7, 2021 by Marc878

[elaine567]

Just now, Marc878 said:

He bought cards flowers etc

But that is just superficial crap and likely just to annoy her. 
Women often cheat due to their men not being there for them, the emotional connection is lost and some other guy steps into the role. She laps it all up and suddenly he is the man of the moment. he gets her, he understands...
A few cards and some flowers  or a nice meal out, is not going to solve likely years of neglect.
These are "easy" solutions and  will be seen as such by her too.

[Marc878]

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But that is just superficial crap and likely just to annoy her. 
Women often cheat due to their men not being there for them, the emotional connection is lost and some other guy steps into the role. She laps it all up and suddenly he is the man of the moment. he gets her, he understands...
A few cards and some flowers  or a nice meal out, is not going to solve likely years of neglect.
These are "easy" solutions and  will be seen as such by her too.

You’re right he forced to her cheat with OM.  

Edited February 7, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

34 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But that is just superficial crap and likely just to annoy her. 
Women often cheat due to their men not being there for them, the emotional connection is lost and some other guy steps into the role. She laps it all up and suddenly he is the man of the moment. he gets her, he understands...
A few cards and some flowers  or a nice meal out, is not going to solve likely years of neglect.
These are "easy" solutions and  will be seen as such by her too.

(Sarcasm off) I knew him personally.  He was a good father and husband. Maybe a bit of a too nice guy if anything. His ex talked him into standing up with her and lying to his kids. Two days later his XW introduced the kids to her other man. What a great wife and mother. He’s still kicking himself over that.
 

She thought she was trading up her OM being a Chiropractor but found out he was deeply in debt. Made a lot of money but spent it all. He cheated on his wife with her as well. So it was a match made in heaven 2 cheaters coming together.

The card and flowers were for her birthday. He wasted his money.

So you didn’t know what you were talking about.

[usa1ah]

On 2/7/2021 at 8:27 AM, elaine567 said:

But that is just superficial crap and likely just to annoy her. 
Women often cheat due to their men not being there for them, the emotional connection is lost and some other guy steps into the role. She laps it all up and suddenly he is the man of the moment. he gets her, he understands...
A few cards and some flowers  or a nice meal out, is not going to solve likely years of neglect.
These are "easy" solutions and  will be seen as such by her too.

So a girl acts like a dog in heat when their husband/boyfriend doesn’t pay them enough attention?

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

So a girl acts like a dog in heat when their husband/boyfriend doesn’t pay them enough attention?

 Can do but, it is often not about sex, it is about wanting attention and emotional connection.
Here the husband has checked out  for some unknown reason and she is starving for affection.
She has tried all ways to get him to improve, but it isn't happening
Few women thrive on neglect.
With a child involved, leaving or divorce is often not really a good option so getting support from some other guy who wants to give it, is accepted with open arms.
Yes this guy may be biding his time for sex, or maybe he loves her and is happy to wait, or maybe he has his own issues and a nice friendly platonic relationship with the OP is all he wants right now... who knows?
Women are all different, not every woman "acts like a dog on heat" in those circumstances...

[usa1ah]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 Can do but, it is often not about sex, it is about wanting attention and emotional connection.
Here the husband has checked out  for some unknown reason and she is starving for affection.
She has tried all ways to get him to improve, but it isn't happening
Few women thrive on neglect.
With a child involved, leaving or divorce is often not really a good option so getting support from some other guy who wants to give it, is accepted with open arms.
Yes this guy may be biding his time for sex, or maybe he loves her and is happy to wait, or maybe he has his own issues and a nice friendly platonic relationship with the OP is all he wants right now... who knows?
Women are all different, not every woman "acts like a dog on heat" in those circumstances...

The question then becomes why did the husband check out? What was his wife not doing for him? He would never have checked out if she was fulfilling his needs. 
 

Do you see how that type of thinking automatically puts it on the other spouse? It makes the BS at fault for the WS’s actions. 

 

You honestly don’t know what she has tried to do to fix her issues at home.

 

Edited February 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate comments.

[HusbandtoaYOUNGERWIFE]

On 2/7/2021 at 7:52 AM, Marc878 said:

You’re right he forced to her cheat with OM.  

No