No Sex & Looks at Erotica w/She-Males, etc.

[jubilee]

Hello,

 

I am new and would like anyone's take on my situation.

 

I am 44 and my husband is 63. We have been married 7 years. I have 3 children from a previous marriage. He has never been really "into sex", but I thought I could change that. This is my third marriage and his sixth (from what I can gather). People ask me why I married him. Yes, I was drunk when we got married. I have been sober for 5 years. Well that is the background. Great beginning.

 

The first year we had sex 6 times. The next 5 years it has been 2-3 times a YEAR. Yes, a year. I really am very sexual and like the contact a lot. He can do without it. I have heard every excuse from "the kids will hear us" to " I am not feeling well, I have a headache" (cliche). He thinks the world puts to much emphasis on sex. He thinks our relationship is perfect. We have everything. He tells me look around you; what more could you want? I am very lonely.

 

This past year I have found magazines of erotica nature, when he has returned from being out of town with his job (if you want to call it that). He goes to Motor Cycle rallies and is a vendor for leather goods. He really is retired and does this to fill his time. Anyway, thes magazines have had She-males, swingers, bondage and the usual naked lady's. He has promised he is straight (because of the She-male stuff). He said he did not know what kind of books he was getting because they came in a package with 2-3 books each. The book with all She-males had individual price on it of $20.00. Do these books come in packages like that from Adult book stores? And also, some of the magazines were from the '80's. Do they sell used magazines? Or has he had these all along? Some of '80's magazines had She-Males in them also.

 

My distress is that he does not look at me. I am 44, but have been told I look 34. I am in great shape.His best friend looks at me and has approached me on thousands of occasion. My ex-husband still calls me every week and would like to release endophines! Well, I know this is not my problem. I enjoy sex to the maximum. I have even asked him what his fantisies are. No response; I guess his fantisies are all in the magazines.

 

This past December (2004) I went and got my belly button pierced. Yea, really dumb for a 44 year old women to do. It was purely done to see how long it would take my husband to notice it. I decided I would not be the one to initate sex anymore also. So therefore, we have not had sex at all this year. It has been 10 months.

 

This last time he came home with the erotica magazines I confronted him and asked him why. After many excuses and a hour and half later, he said it was the only way he could get off. He still promises he loves me. He decided sex would be just the antidote after this discussion. It was not great, because a friend of his called and he felt like it was important for him to answer the phone! But, he did brag to his friend, while on the phone, that he was having "Wild sex with his wife". No, I am not kidding. He is an idiot!

 

Ok, enough of that. Is he bi-sexual, or having an affair? Is he just an idiot? Does he really like looking at other men and She-Males? What is somebody's take on this!

 

Lonely and going insane!

[MustB1]

he has been married 6 times, do you think that his previous wives knew there were sexual issues also?

With the 20 year age difference there is just going to be more of a decline in his sex drive, you may want to consider that while you still look 34! I would seriously consider divorcing if you can't get him into counseling. Do you have other areas of interest in common?

 

Does he get off with you or only with the magazines?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Hello,

He has never been really "into sex", but I thought I could change that.

 

Why did you feel that you could change it?

 

He may love you but ts clear that he has long-term fetishes that he gets off on that you can never be a part of. My guess is that he is a closet leather bottom boy, and he tries to keep this life he has separate from his 'closet' one. When the two clash, he divorces rather than changes. This sounds like a man who is not going to waver, and will leave rather than submit to changes.

 

Is he having an affair? Who knows. If you really want to know - and you will have to prepare yourself for this - you will have to end up hiring a private detective. You can expose what he is doing, and you can attempt to change things but at this stage in the game, and given his proclivities he isn't going to change, and in fact will just get better at hiding his stuff from you, and that said - you have only one choice: adapt (meaning you remove yourself from involvement or interference in his 'closet life', and accept that sex will only come a few times a year), have an affair of your own on the side to sate your sexual needs, or leave the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

He thinks the world puts to much emphasis on sex. He thinks our relationship is perfect. We have everything. He tells me look around you; what more could you want? I am very lonely.

 

Right there is a problem. Each of you view the marriage from different sides of the room.

 

If you truely love this man, then head to marriage counselling. TELL HIM the marriage isn't OK and you're very unhappy! Unhappy enough to be thinking of other men and sex. That oughtta wake him up abit. Sometimes a wakeup call is the best thing and it can help the marriage, instead of letting it go stale.

 

You say you were drunk when you married him and now things are different, right? Are you inlove with him, or just used to having someone around? You're lonely in the marriage, so that isn't good either...

 

I feel for you, but if you're so unhappy, maybe you need to decide what is best for you. He doesn't seem too interested in life nor pleasing you.

[Ladyjane14]

Is he bi-sexual, or having an affair? Is he just an idiot? Does he really like looking at other men and She-Males? What is somebody's take on this!

 

At 63, it's probably just a case of ED (erectile dysfunction). Send him to the doctor. There are treatments available.

 

Most likely, the naughty porn is just his way of trying to illicit some interest from his erstwhile "little buddy". I doubt it's any reflection on you, or his sexuality.

[jubilee]

Our relationship is just a working relationship now. I no longer love him s a husband. I love him in a way that is just as a human being. I have multiple sclerosis and only work part-time, so you see I feel I need to stay here until my son, who is 11, is out of high school, if I make it that long. I know I sound stupid.

 

I have asked him to go to counseling and he freaked out. He obviously has been before with the other wifes and says he knows that they are going to say already.

[jubilee]

he has been married 6 times, do you think that his previous wives knew there were sexual issues also?

With the 20 year age difference there is just going to be more of a decline in his sex drive, you may want to consider that while you still look 34! I would seriously consider divorcing if you can't get him into counseling. Do you have other areas of interest in common?

 

Does he get off with you or only with the magazines?

He gets off with me when we have sex or acts like he does anyway.

[jubilee]

Why did you feel that you could change it?

 

He may love you but ts clear that he has long-term fetishes that he gets off on that you can never be a part of. My guess is that he is a closet leather bottom boy, and he tries to keep this life he has separate from his 'closet' one. When the two clash, he divorces rather than changes. This sounds like a man who is not going to waver, and will leave rather than submit to changes.

 

Is he having an affair? Who knows. If you really want to know - and you will have to prepare yourself for this - you will have to end up hiring a private detective. You can expose what he is doing, and you can attempt to change things but at this stage in the game, and given his proclivities he isn't going to change, and in fact will just get better at hiding his stuff from you, and that said - you have only one choice: adapt (meaning you remove yourself from involvement or interference in his 'closet life', and accept that sex will only come a few times a year), have an affair of your own on the side to sate your sexual needs, or leave the marriage.

I think I will adapt and go on with my own life. I have thought a lot about this. I think this is the only way I can survive. I just wished I knew the person I am married to. I have my Private Investigators License and I only Investigate for Insurance Companies for Life Claims and Cancer Claims. I have done several phone searches, credit card, all receipt. He pays cash basically for everything. I keep a log. He has so many Motor Cycle Rally friends, that it is hard to tell anything. He stays in so many motels also with Vendor friends to cut down cost, supposedly on the trips. It is a maze. I came close to a women one time. The information lasted a year. When I confronted him with all the cell phone call, he said it was all business and it stopped immediately! He does not talk about his business and is really good at changing the subject and saying he wants to work on the marriage and why can I not leave a good thing a lone.

[Ladyjane14]

Our relationship is just a working relationship now. I no longer love him s a husband. I love him in a way that is just as a human being. I have multiple sclerosis and only work part-time, so you see I feel I need to stay here until my son, who is 11, is out of high school, if I make it that long. I know I sound stupid.

 

Yeah. If you're just using him for financial security anyway, then what's the problem?

 

When it comes to relationships, you're not gonna get more out of than what you're willing to put into it. Why should he give a rat's patootie if he's making you happy sexually.....when you don't have any romantic love for him?

[jubilee]

At 63, it's probably just a case of ED (erectile dysfunction). Send him to the doctor. There are treatments available.

 

Most likely, the naughty porn is just his way of trying to illicit some interest from his erstwhile "little buddy". I doubt it's any reflection on you, or his sexuality.

Last year I begged him to ask his doctor about the sex infrequency problem, when he was going for his annual physical. He acted like I was crazy. He refused!

[jubilee]

Yeah. If you're just using him for financial security anyway, then what's the problem?

 

When it comes to relationships, you're not gonna get more out of than what you're willing to put into it. Why should he give a rat's patootie if he's making you happy sexually.....when you don't have any romantic love for him?

I think my whole problem is that he has belittled me for so many years along with the sex stuff, I just wanted to know he really loved me. I am truly messed up.

[jubilee]

Right there is a problem. Each of you view the marriage from different sides of the room.

 

If you truely love this man, then head to marriage counselling. TELL HIM the marriage isn't OK and you're very unhappy! Unhappy enough to be thinking of other men and sex. That oughtta wake him up abit. Sometimes a wakeup call is the best thing and it can help the marriage, instead of letting it go stale.

 

You say you were drunk when you married him and now things are different, right? Are you inlove with him, or just used to having someone around? You're lonely in the marriage, so that isn't good either...

 

I feel for you, but if you're so unhappy, maybe you need to decide what is best for you. He doesn't seem too interested in life nor pleasing you.

He loves life and is very anal. I wanted this to work and did initiate and give it my all. All I really want to know is "Who am I married to"?

[jubilee]

Yeah. If you're just using him for financial security anyway, then what's the problem?

 

When it comes to relationships, you're not gonna get more out of than what you're willing to put into it. Why should he give a rat's patootie if he's making you happy sexually.....when you don't have any romantic love for him?

I am exhausted from putting everything into this relationship. Why I would want to have sex with him anyway? Because he is my partner/husband and it is a great way to realease endorphins and it is healthy. Hey, you just never know it might spark the relationship again. Marriage is like a job (if you don't get totally run down from exhustion from it being one sided) you have to work at it. You have to have the downs to appreciate the ups. You don't have to live with a freak! I just wanted to know if someone has been through a similar situation or knew someone who had. Maybe I should run for my life before I contract a BAD STD like HIV.

[JayKay]

Oh Jubilee

 

I really feel for you.

 

I was with a man for a couple of years who didn't like sex

 

He always had an excuse; he didn't want to 'rush things', then he was 'stressed' over work, or 'too tired', then he blamed things on 'male menopause'. I too dated a man much older than myself (17+ years) so I believed him when he said hormonal changes in a male can cause the dropoff in sexual activity.

 

He said he was going to see a doctor. I wonder now if he ever really did. He said he saw the doctor and the prescription for him was to stop smoking and take these herbal pills.

 

You know the rest; nothing changed

 

Finally after a romantic getaway to a caribbean island (where NOTHING sexual happened) I figured out the truth. He wasn't interested and never would be.

 

I broke up with him and couldn't beleive it when he acted surprised. It was so hard because he treated me wonderfully in every other department; he was warm and caring, a good listener, he got my sense of humour, liked my friends and family, was just a good person all around.

But I was starved for physical affection.

 

There are all kinds of people in this world and some like sex and some do not and it's awfully hard to change one kind of person into another.

 

You could ask him if he is willing to consider an 'open marriage', (I actually asked that of my ex, because he was such a great partner I was willing to have an alternative type of arrangement....where I got my physical needs met elsewhere. He said No!)

 

If this is not an option, I think you are looking at divorce in the near future. You are too young to shrivel up and die.

 

 

The fact that he is looking at She-Males I would find very disturbing. If he's attracted to women, why look at men?

 

 

He sounds like someone in denial, big time.

[Outcast]

He has never been really "into sex", but I thought I could change that

 

Well there's your mistake. 63 years old and six wives - what on earth made you think you could overcome that much history?

 

If he's not that into sex, then it's unlikely he's having an affair. I think what someone else suggested - he just can't get it going that often and has somehow got himself into a situation where books might help but real people won't.

[jubilee]

Oh Jubilee

 

I really feel for you.

 

I was with a man for a couple of years who didn't like sex

 

He always had an excuse; he didn't want to 'rush things', then he was 'stressed' over work, or 'too tired', then he blamed things on 'male menopause'. I too dated a man much older than myself (17+ years) so I believed him when he said hormonal changes in a male can cause the dropoff in sexual activity.

 

He said he was going to see a doctor. I wonder now if he ever really did. He said he saw the doctor and the prescription for him was to stop smoking and take these herbal pills.

 

You know the rest; nothing changed

 

Finally after a romantic getaway to a caribbean island (where NOTHING sexual happened) I figured out the truth. He wasn't interested and never would be.

 

I broke up with him and couldn't beleive it when he acted surprised. It was so hard because he treated me wonderfully in every other department; he was warm and caring, a good listener, he got my sense of humour, liked my friends and family, was just a good person all around.

But I was starved for physical affection.

 

There are all kinds of people in this world and some like sex and some do not and it's awfully hard to change one kind of person into another.

 

You could ask him if he is willing to consider an 'open marriage', (I actually asked that of my ex, because he was such a great partner I was willing to have an alternative type of arrangement....where I got my physical needs met elsewhere. He said No!)

 

If this is not an option, I think you are looking at divorce in the near future. You are too young to shrivel up and die.

 

 

The fact that he is looking at She-Males I would find very disturbing. If he's attracted to women, why look at men?

 

 

He sounds like someone in denial, big time.

JayKay, That sound somewhat just Like my husband! But he has a tendency to Critique everything the children and I do. This is stressful. His daughter says he is just trying to help. The magazines are very disturbing, they have been very hurtful. I guess I have lost all feeling because I feel it is just a working relationship now. I am tired an do not want to work on it any more. I might do as you suggested and see if he would consider an open relationship. He says he is not the jelous type. He has never seemd that way either. He does look at women and comments on men all the time on how the put there selves togther and such. He is anal also. You have been understanding. Thank you.

Jubilee

[jubilee]

he has been married 6 times, do you think that his previous wives knew there were sexual issues also?

With the 20 year age difference there is just going to be more of a decline in his sex drive, you may want to consider that while you still look 34! I would seriously consider divorcing if you can't get him into counseling. Do you have other areas of interest in common?

 

Does he get off with you or only with the magazines?

Two of his ex-wifes are deceased (after they divorced), the others are out of town or state. I did email one of them. She did not reply. He refuses to go to counseling, period. We do not have a lot in common at all (yea, I am stupid). He is very sweet to my children and to me most of the time. He wants everyone to like him, but he critiques to much; it drives people away.

[jubilee]

Well there's your mistake. 63 years old and six wives - what on earth made you think you could overcome that much history?

 

If he's not that into sex, then it's unlikely he's having an affair. I think what someone else suggested - he just can't get it going that often and has somehow got himself into a situation where books might help but real people won't.

You may be right. I really never thought of that! He is very materialistic and does not think about peoples physical needs. I feel sorry for who ever is around him if he ever gets sick!

[jaye]

He is not straight.

I think he is into shemales, which means he is most deffinately cheated on you if he is not into sex. thats only to show you. as far as i know about men nothing is worse then a dirty old man, nothing personal but all old men are real into sex, as you described that man and him being into leather stuff and he don't wanna have sex either he is not straight or something is wrong with his sexdrive.

[harleygirl92156]

When my husband went into a "NOT INTERESTED IN SEX" phase, I later found out he was having and affair.

Check it out, bet he is, could be another woman, but sounds like it could be a male buddy as well. Does he have one he hangs with a lot. Keep your eyes open, you will figure it out.

[933KJL]

Wow it is a tough call. I tend to think it might be more ED and psychological than anything else. But without agreeing to counseling there probably is no real hope for change.

 

As to the porn--yes adult bookstores sell multi packs of magazines that have high cover prices. Typically they are second hand. Would a she-male magazine be slipped in a pack of straight porn--probably not but maybe. I think that he may have been curious on the she-male deal and bought a pack. Yes you can buy stuff from the 80s.

 

Sorry you are going through this--sounds rough and I really have no good advice.

[whichwayisup]

He loves life and is very anal. I wanted this to work and did initiate and give it my all. All I really want to know is "Who am I married to"?

 

So, find out. Shake things up abit. MAKE your fun, whether it be a sexual thing or going out for romantic dinner. Do things together. Find a middle ground. If that doesn't work then TELL him unhappy he is making you and you miss him, as your friend, and sexually. See how he reacts.