HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 (edited) On 2/10/2021 at 8:07 AM, Steve2021 said: Will time heal that? I hope so, but can we survive until that time? I really don't know. I don't know if time is the remedy, but I think you both exploring WHY her fantasy is so important to her might get you close. To be clear, I am NOT suggesting it's acted out IRL. What I'm suggesting is if she could get to the root of why it excites her, you both might have something to work with. I don't think getting to the root of it would be easy, and may require professional assistance. It's up to you to weigh the pros/cons, cost/benefit of keeping what you have with her plus working with her (assuming she does her share of the work required) verses exiting and finding someone new. You described an otherwise great fit, a lot of benefits to you in this relationship, if it were not for this fantasy throwing a speedbump. That's why I encouraged you to explore before throwing in the towel (so to speak). Whatever you decide, it's all practice, as my own therapist likes to say. Edited February 11, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel Added last sentence Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 Came back to add: If you handle this in a way that is non-threatening and open, maybe it could be an opportunity for you both to increase your emotional (and other types of) intimacy with each other. Maybe show her you want to get to the bottom of why she craves this; give her assurance she won't be judged, humiliated, criticized for sharing it with you (be sure to follow through on that); tell her why it's upsetting to you (how does it make you feel? Inadequate? Threatened? Scared? Not easy stuff for men to talk about.). This assumes she will be vulnerable with you about this while respecting your vulnerability in turn. Just some thoughts. See how these feel for you and your situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 Okay a few thoughts for you on the if she did topic... 1) if your wife is halfway decent looking and STD free it would take her about 9 minutes to set up a DP. It also sounds like she knew where to look too. If she did do a DP, then it sounds like she got her itch scratched and has checked that off the list. Which is a good thing because it means the craving to make the fantasy thing come true thing is over, she found it lacking, and she now chooses you. The bad thing is that your wife got boned by two or more dudes and she is lying to you. Or... 2) She didn't do a DP. This is a good thing because obviously you have a hang up about it. But it's also a bad thing because that itch hasn't been scratched. And potentially at some point in the future it is going to be a problem again. By the way it doesn't sound like you two are sexually compatible. You sound pretty vanilla or at least steadfastly monogamous. She sounds pretty kinky and not really down with the whole monogamy thing. Most likely that's going to be a problem going forward. Best of luck! Mrin Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 It seems plausible your wife didn't share this because she was so afraid of your reaction (which, as best as I can tell, was a reasonable fear). HadMeOverABarrel has posted some great advice - I think you need to work out what your comfort levels are, what sort of sexual exploration you want to try with your wife (if any), and what a happy and fulfilling marriage would look like for you both before you decide it's achievable, or impossible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted February 12, 2021 Share Posted February 12, 2021 The toy thing wouldn't bother me. Wanting to have sex with other people enough to separate would bother me tremendously. I'd move on because of that. She was willing to lose you over that. Not sure you could ever get over that or trust her completely. You'll never know if she did complete the act. The wondering won't be healthy for you. Trust is a huge cornerstone of a relationship and it just isn't worth it to stay with someone you can't trust IMO. I'm sorry. Your time is better spent with someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve2021 Posted February 14, 2021 Author Share Posted February 14, 2021 notbroken, your post resonates with me. I came back in here today to update and your post has pretty much been my thinking. I love her dearly, I really really do, but I just haven't got that trust nor do I think I can ever have it. It was for that reason that I told her that we were through. We will still be friends because that intimate trust doesn't mean the same in that circumstance but we just can't be together. I'm hurting a bit, I think I always expected we would work this out, but I think I've made the right call, well the only call I could make really. It will get messy from here I'm sure dividing things up but hopefully after she has time to absorb this and settle down we can approach that task as adults. Thanks to all that replied. I'm sure I will be back with many more questions as I navigate this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 14, 2021 Share Posted February 14, 2021 Definition of friend - loyal, trustworthy, honest. The only one that can keep you in limbo is yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 15, 2021 Share Posted February 15, 2021 21 hours ago, Steve2021 said: notbroken, your post resonates with me. I came back in here today to update and your post has pretty much been my thinking. I love her dearly, I really really do, but I just haven't got that trust nor do I think I can ever have it. It was for that reason that I told her that we were through. We will still be friends because that intimate trust doesn't mean the same in that circumstance but we just can't be together. I'm hurting a bit, I think I always expected we would work this out, but I think I've made the right call, well the only call I could make really. It will get messy from here I'm sure dividing things up but hopefully after she has time to absorb this and settle down we can approach that task as adults. Thanks to all that replied. I'm sure I will be back with many more questions as I navigate this. Good on you for doing what you feel is right for you. Sorry things didn't turn out as you'd hoped in earlier times. Best wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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