Friend drama over new relationship (sorry this is so long)

[kenziejane]

This is LONG so sorry in advance.

I'm (31f) have been dating this guy for about two months now. He's amazing, and it's going so well. I really care for this man and see this continuing. My problem is actually with my friends. I was miserably married for about three years before going through a horrible divorce. I've been dating again for about a year and a half. So many bad dates . So many bad situation-ships with guys who were just not it. So now I've met this great guy and am thrilled.

I currently have a roommate, my best friend's younger sister. M is 25. Sweet, but naive and has never had a relationship before. Last night, she comes into my room sobbing and just unloads all this stuff onto me she's been keeping pent up. I don't want to come off blameless completely...I think we've all been guilty about falling hard into a new relationship. Some things she said were valid, and I can admit that, but a lot of it just felt childish.

The first thing she brought up was texting. Sometimes when we're chatting, I'll be on my phone and it makes her feel like I'm not listening. Fair, and I was ready to say 'I'll be more aware' until she tacked on "I know you're texting A (my guy), and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for your attention". How does she know who I'm texting?? A isn't a big texter...we rarely text so if I'm on my phone with anyone it's another friend or my family. It felt like a big assumption. She then went on to say that she and our other friends will rarely hear from me when I'm spending time with him, and it's hypocritical that I can text him when I'm with them but won't even look at my phone when I'm with him. Which I feel is explained by the fact that A and I are getting to know each other still. He never picks up his phone when we're together. We're focused on each other because, again, this is NEW.

As I said, M and I are roommates. Sometimes we end up watching TV in the same room or she hangs out in the living room while I'm playing video games, doing my grad school assignments, etc. But we are co-existing. There's been ONE time...ONE...where we were watching TV and A asked if I wanted to come over. I said yes, and I left. It wasn't like I bailed on her or ditched her. We live in the same house! That's not the same as making plans to hang out. If she had said, 'hey let's spend time together tonight' obviously I wouldn't just bail.

What triggered last night was that I came home with a new game to try and said I thought she might like it. She came into the living room with her dinner and a drink to watch me play. At some point, A calls and I answer. We start chatting and my roommate leaves the room with her drink and I think she's off to do something else. In hindsight, I can see how this must've looked. I can see that maybe I was rude and should have considered she thought we were hanging out. I absolutely will acknowledge I shouldn't have taken the call or should have kept it short.

That's when she came into my room later on sobbing about all of this, tacking on something ridiculous about how I'm going to move in with him when the lease is over and leave her (no?? I would never move in with someone after a few months of dating so I'm not sure where this came from?).

We talked it out, but I feel like I didn't really get to defend myself because she was so upset and I just wanted to calm her down. I did tell her I hoped she would still give A a chance because these were issues she has with me, not with him. And she said "I don't know, I'm biased towards him". She's met him a few times in passing, but once when I told her to feel free to watch a movie in the living room with us and hang out, afterwards she told me she was upset because she felt like a third wheel since he wasn't paying much attention to her or trying to get to know her. But it's not like she'd been making an effort to ask him questions or get to know him either. And A is a little shy, so I wouldn't expect him to just launch into 'getting to know you' interrogation with her.

I'm worried how this is going to effect how my other friends feel. My roommate mentioned she was sharing all this in a separate group text with other friends. Which just feels yucky to me, like they're all talking s*** about me. Feels very high school. They haven't even all met him yet and I don't want them to have this bias towards him already because he's amazing and treats me so kindly. She's watched me come home crying from bad dates. She watched me go through this terrible divorce, and be married to this person who didn't even acknowledge my existence half the time. So you'd think she'd be happy to see me with someone who makes me happy...instead it's been two months and she already has so many problems with it.

I really don't know what to do here, if anyone has any advice. As I said, I am not ditching plans or consistently choosing time with him over my friends...in fact, we are having a girl's night in tonight with other friends. I want to talk to her and be kind, but also set her straight that this is what happens when you're dating someone and I'm going to be spending time with him and she might be seeing a little less of me. I think getting to know him and spending time with him would help, but getting all our schedules to match up has been impossible. It's also a pandemic so we're trying to limit how many people in a group setting.

What can I say to her that's firm but also kind? Or maybe I'm completely in the wrong here. I really don't know. Part of me almost wants to have a conversation with the other friends she was texting about me to make sure they aren't just hearing her side.

[ShyViolet]

This 25-year-old roommate of yours sounds extremely immature and emotionally needy.  The only point that I agree with her on is that it's rude to be on your phone texting while you are having a conversation with someone.  So you should try to be more aware of that.  However, everything else she is doing is just way over the top.  I think she has unreasonable expectations of what your relationship with her is.  It's like she doesn't want to let you live your life.  You do not need her permission to go see your boyfriend, to talk to him, or to spend time with him.  Whether or not she likes him or "approves" of him is irrelevant and she needs to keep that to herself.  You need to put up firm boundaries with her.  If she refuses to stop acting all melodramatic and irrational then you need to move out and end this roommate situation.  This is not a healthy situation.

[basil67]

There is so much wrong with what she's doing....and I worry that you're being a bit too nice.

In your shoes, I'd saying that you've given what she said a lot of thought and have decided to set some boundaries.  First thing is that this is where you live and you have the right to come and go as you please.  You also have the right to text anyone as you please.   While it's rude to text someone when you're out socialising, this is your home!    And frankly, I'd be telling her that if you hear anything more about her gossiping to other friends, she will have to find somewhere else to live.   I know this could make it awkward with your best friend/her sister, but I suspect that your BFF knows what her sister is like.  

This girl would do well to remember that she's a roommate, not a BFF.

 

[basil67]

Hmmm, I think I said the above in a manner which is too harsh to deliver.  I just got all cross on your behalf.   Perhaps word the above in a manner which teaches her how to manage her expectations of a flatmate?

[ShyViolet]

54 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Hmmm, I think I said the above in a manner which is too harsh to deliver.  I just got all cross on your behalf.   Perhaps word the above in a manner which teaches her how to manage her expectations of a flatmate?

Nope it wasn't too harsh at all.  It was the truth.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, all you need is better boundaries. Don't try to be her best friend. Limit personal discussions.

Roommates is a financial and logistical arrangement. If resentments build up it will suck just coming home.

Keep very busy, keep private lives private. If she starts unloading on you, use one-word answers then go do something else.

She's getting away with this because you're a convenient captive audience. Once you're not available, she'll go call her friends and family to cry to.

[kenziejane]

On 2/6/2021 at 3:18 PM, ShyViolet said:

This 25-year-old roommate of yours sounds extremely immature and emotionally needy.  The only point that I agree with her on is that it's rude to be on your phone texting while you are having a conversation with someone.  So you should try to be more aware of that.  However, everything else she is doing is just way over the top.  I think she has unreasonable expectations of what your relationship with her is.  It's like she doesn't want to let you live your life.  You do not need her permission to go see your boyfriend, to talk to him, or to spend time with him.  Whether or not she likes him or "approves" of him is irrelevant and she needs to keep that to herself.  You need to put up firm boundaries with her.  If she refuses to stop acting all melodramatic and irrational then you need to move out and end this roommate situation.  This is not a healthy situation.

She definitely is emotionally needy and immature. It's complicated because we are close friends, and obviously became closer as roommates. But I do think I am going to have to put some harsher boundaries in place. I agree about texting during a conversation, so I'll be more aware of that...but everything else seems extremely dramatic and clingy. 

It gets more interesting-- I mentioned M texted other friends about our argument. One of those friends called me over the weekend and said M did the same thing with her when she first started seeing her boyfriend (now fiance). So this isn't new behavior. This friend also said M was hysterical, saying I was going to move out and move in with my new guy and leave her. Which...what?! I never said that, first of all. And even if  I did, oh well. 

I was planning on staying in our lease for another year but not if this keeps up. I don't even want to be in the same room with her right now, I'm so irritated. 

[kenziejane]

On 2/6/2021 at 9:47 PM, basil67 said:

There is so much wrong with what she's doing....and I worry that you're being a bit too nice.

In your shoes, I'd saying that you've given what she said a lot of thought and have decided to set some boundaries.  First thing is that this is where you live and you have the right to come and go as you please.  You also have the right to text anyone as you please.   While it's rude to text someone when you're out socialising, this is your home!    And frankly, I'd be telling her that if you hear anything more about her gossiping to other friends, she will have to find somewhere else to live.   I know this could make it awkward with your best friend/her sister, but I suspect that your BFF knows what her sister is like.  

This girl would do well to remember that she's a roommate, not a BFF.

 

I think that I was too nice, looking back. I sort of just conceded to her because she was sobbing and I just wanted her to calm down. I'm thinking maybe we need to have another conversation where I'm a little more firm and make sure she understands I can come and go as I please, and I'm not obligated to answer her or anyone else's messages when I'm with my guy. 

We are close friends, but you're right...we're roommates first. And honestly right now I don't even know if I want to continue being roommates when our lease is up in May. 

[kenziejane]

On 2/7/2021 at 6:45 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, all you need is better boundaries. Don't try to be her best friend. Limit personal discussions.

Roommates is a financial and logistical arrangement. If resentments build up it will suck just coming home.

Keep very busy, keep private lives private. If she starts unloading on you, use one-word answers then go do something else.

She's getting away with this because you're a convenient captive audience. Once you're not available, she'll go call her friends and family to cry to.

Yep, I think I'm going to have to. 

I'm already feeling resentful. Luckily grad school keeps me very busy and is a good excuse to stay in my room. 

Do you think I should have another conversation with her? I really feel like I just sort of apologized and moved on because she was too upset to be rational. 

I did ask her sister, who is my best friend, if A often gets like this. She said yes, that she likes being the center of attention and gets mopey when she's not the most important. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, kenziejane said:

We are close friends, but you're right...we're roommates first. And honestly right now I don't even know if I want to continue being roommates when our lease is up in May. 

It's very good that the lease is up in May.  I think you should definitely make plans to move out at the end of the lease.  And she probably WILL become hysterical when you inform her of that.  Stand your ground and don't give in to that behavior.  Let her know that this hysterical, immature behavior is not OK.  Don't coddle her.  Maybe once she sees that her behavior has consequences, she will learn.  Why do you even want to be friends with a person like this?

Maybe once you and her are not living together and you don't have to deal with this unhealthy, intrusive situation, it will actually make you better able to remain friends with her, if that is indeed what you want to do.  You'd be able to maintain better boundaries and not be so enmeshed with her on a day-to-day basis.

[kenziejane]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It's very good that the lease is up in May.  I think you should definitely make plans to move out at the end of the lease.  And she probably WILL become hysterical when you inform her of that.  Stand your ground and don't give in to that behavior.  Let her know that this hysterical, immature behavior is not OK.  Don't coddle her.  Maybe once she sees that her behavior has consequences, she will learn.  Why do you even want to be friends with a person like this?

Maybe once you and her are not living together and you don't have to deal with this unhealthy, intrusive situation, it will actually make you better able to remain friends with her, if that is indeed what you want to do.  You'd be able to maintain better boundaries and not be so enmeshed with her on a day-to-day basis.

I'm going to go look at some apartments this week actually. I was kind of on the fence about it, but this really has pushed me into wanting to live on my own again even if it's going to be more expensive. I almost caught myself feeling like I had to stay for another year, because she was so upset...asking me over and over again if I was going to leave her and move in with A. I think no matter what, she's going to be hysterical. It makes it that much harder since her sister is my best friend...I wonder if she will feel obligated to take her side. 

[basil67]

I think you've got a great plan.   And from what you wrote, I think your BF will be understanding.

Edited February 8, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, kenziejane said:

she likes being the center of attention and gets mopey when she's not the most important. 

Exactly. Just wrap up the drama and she'll move on to someone else to complain to.