Hurt1234 Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) I will try to make this as brief as possible. Boyfriend and I got involved when I was still living with my husband...please don't judge. We were together a good year while I settled things in my matrimonial home. Its been almost a year that we have been free and dating "normally" 2 years total together. My boyfriend has never been one to open up and, show emotion. He's a happy-go-lucky guy and very outgoing including me in his plans as well. We have incredible times together but because he doesn't show emotion I feel like we are just great friends. I have told him in the past that I would love for him to caress me, make me feel desirable, initiate sex and he never does. He says he is a different breed and he shows his love in different ways, which he does by making me a priority in his life. I'm starting to understand that he just doesn't know how to show emotions or be vulnerable with me on a romantic level, where in the past I have caused arguements questioning whether he cares about me. In 2 years the only thing he has ever initiated is a hug or a peck. Its me that initiates the long hugs and kisses, the sex, talking about our relationship and making sure he is cared for and feels safe. I feel like I am the male in the relationship. We have an amazing connection as friends but I feel that that's all we are because we are missing the "couple" feeling. I know he cares deeply and I have addressed for him to be a little more sensitive, loving and romantic. He feels he is doing enough by the respect he gives me and being a part of one anothers everday life. I am emotionally torn because I want this man to take charge of our relationship on a romantic level, its always me, and I'm coming to realize that either my expectations are way too high or we are just not compatible in the love department. It hurts because we are so compatible and every other aspect. I should add that when we have some sort of blow out he has walked away from me about a handful of times on the past. Sometimes a day, a week, last time was a month. I know I have cornered him with questioning his love for me, accused him of cheating because I wasn't feeling desired and it gave me insecurities. He has been this way since day one but its all starting to hit me now that maybe he really is a different kind of breed and shows differently. Can we change this to save our relationship? Any advice is welcome. Edited February 6, 2021 by Hurt1234 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 2 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: I'm coming to realize that either my expectations are way too high or we are just not compatible in the love department. It's the latter. He isn't who you want him to be. You've tried talking to him, but you can't fundamentally change who he is. Just as you can't fundamentally change who you are. The fact that he's always walked away several times strongly indicates that he's just not invested the way you are. This was an affair that only "functioned' as an affair - but not as an actual relationship. A lot of affairs don't survive the transition into reality, so to speak. Many people realize the affair worked because it didn't require them to be fully present on all the levels a real relationship generally does. It sounds like that's exactly what happened here; you're seeing that he might have been fine playing the role of Other Man because he didn't really need to be fully present with you. And now that you naturally expect more, you're realizing he's not up to it. At the end of the day, you have to decide at which point you'll stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: I should add that when we have some sort of blow out he has walked away from me about a handful of times on the past. Sometimes a day, a week, last time was a month. Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he isn't (and never was) in with both feet. Stop chasing him, lay back. Edited February 6, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 7, 2021 Author Share Posted February 7, 2021 22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he isn't (and never was) in with both feet. Stop chasing him, lay back. I suppose you are both right. We spent the day together yesterday. Had a great time of shopping for food, cooking, movies and just being together. We sincerely enjoy our time together but again, we felt like friends. I did not initiate anything and he did hold me etc. When bedtime came, I couldn't stand it, I asked him to make love to me. His response was crap we forgot to grab condoms! And nothing! No kissing, just held me with his eyes closed. No effort what so ever. I eventually told him there were other ways to make love and be intimate and he seemed agitated and said I can't do anything right for you. I love this man but I really need to know how to let him go because he is not meeting my needs emotionally or physically. I am so attached that I feel like I am holding on to nothing but his friendship and that is not what I want. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 7, 2021 Share Posted February 7, 2021 I think he's largely lost interest in you, but enjoys the other benefits a close friendship offer. Only you can decide when it's time to walk away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 7, 2021 Share Posted February 7, 2021 You let him go by..... letting him go. Stop seeing him, stop communicating with him. End things fully and completely. It won't be easy and you'll feel crappy for awhile, but you will get over it and move on if you put the effort in. You're probably very attached because he was the guy who provided distraction and release from what I presume was an unhappy marriage. If you were unhappy for a long time, your emotions go into overload when you find someone to "escape" with. Everything with him probably seemed brighter and better than it was in actuality. Now you're out of the marriage and reality has set in. His place in your life was and is limited, and you've reached that limit. He doesn't have anything more to offer you. Free yourself to find the person further down the road who will meet your expectations and needs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 8, 2021 Author Share Posted February 8, 2021 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think he's largely lost interest in you, but enjoys the other benefits a close friendship offer. Only you can decide when it's time to walk away. He has never been touchy feely or emotional, so nothing has changed. I guess I see it more now that we have the opportunity more often and I stopped making the efforts and he still hasn't made a move. Is it possible that he's telling the truth that he really is not the type of guy to initiate anything?? I mean he never has a problem when I initiate 🤷♀️ Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 8 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: When bedtime came, I couldn't stand it, I asked him to make love to me. His response was crap we forgot to grab condoms! And nothing! No kissing, just held me with his eyes closed. No effort what so ever. You initiated and he didn't even bother to kiss you. I think it's more than him just not being the type of guy to initiate. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 12 hours ago, FMW said: You initiated and he didn't even bother to kiss you. I think it's more than him just not being the type of guy to initiate. This. He doesn't seem romantically interested anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 20 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: I really need to know how to let him go because he is not meeting my needs emotionally or physically. I You just tell him exactly that. I’m assuming you live together? You will need to start looking for another place. The rest should fall into place. Considering that you used this relationship as a bridge to exit your marriage, I can imagine that you don’t know how to let him go... But, you can do it. It’s time to stand on your own for a while, and that not a bad thing... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 8, 2021 Author Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This. He doesn't seem romantically interested anymore. But he was never, not even during our affair. It was always me initiating. I believe this is just the way he is but cannot help to take it personally like he is just not interested/invested. We connected on a friendship level, it turned into an affair because I always came on to him. His reasoning, and always has been, "I respect you too much to be jumping your bones 24/7, I genuinely love spending time with you" which I know and when I initiate he never turns me down. I just dont feel desired and not sure if he is just a different breed like he says or has just never been interested on a romantic level. Edited February 8, 2021 by Hurt1234 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 8, 2021 Author Share Posted February 8, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: You just tell him exactly that. I’m assuming you live together? You will need to start looking for another place. The rest should fall into place. Considering that you used this relationship as a bridge to exit your marriage, I can imagine that you don’t know how to let him go... But, you can do it. It’s time to stand on your own for a while, and that not a bad thing... We do not live together although it was talked about while I was married many many times. It hasnt been talked about in about a year, while I was still living in my matrimonial home. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 14 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: But he was never, not even during our affair. It was always me initiating. I believe this is just the way he is Then why the heck did you pursue a relationship with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 It may be better to just be friends. He is just not interested in more. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 He's apparently been consistent and clear in showing you what he's able and willing to offer you emotionally and physically. So all you can do is accept it or choose to end it so you can find someone who meets your needs. In the future, don't emotionally invest in someone who isn't enough for you exactly as they are, they aren't going to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 9, 2021 Author Share Posted February 9, 2021 8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Then why the heck did you pursue a relationship with him? We started as friends and it turned into a relationship. One where I initiated most of the physical part of it. Its just so confusing. If we hadn't broken up so many times I would know his heart is with me regardless, him telling me is not enough. I need him to show it. I cant help but feel this us just a friendship and I wanted more. Not sure how to approach this with him without sounding needy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 9, 2021 Author Share Posted February 9, 2021 1 hour ago, FMW said: He's apparently been consistent and clear in showing you what he's able and willing to offer you emotionally and physically. So all you can do is accept it or choose to end it so you can find someone who meets your needs. In the future, don't emotionally invest in someone who isn't enough for you exactly as they are, they aren't going to change. Agreed they will not change, I guess I had high hopes of that happening. If I tell him I am not getting enough he will either accept or say something along the line of anything I do is not good enough... I have a hard time differentiating if he's really like this or if he's just not into it anymore Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 9, 2021 Author Share Posted February 9, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It may be better to just be friends. He is just not interested in more. That hurts to hear but I do feel the same way. It is just so tough to let this man go. I've tried in the past and without him I have huge panic and anxiety. Separation anxiety possibly. I just don't know how to deal with myself without him, sad to say I know, and with him I am always second guessing how he feels or if he is entertaining other women. Words are words yes, but without the physical attempts we lay as friends and I don't know how to address it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 9, 2021 Author Share Posted February 9, 2021 How do I let this man go when we have an amazing friendship but he's just not there romantically or physically. It will be tough to remain friends with him because I'm still very emotionally and physically attached to him. How do I tell him? What do I tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Hurt1234 said: It will be tough to remain friends with him because I'm still very emotionally and physically attached to him. Why would want to remain friends with him? Break up with him, and go your separate ways as most exes do. There is no sense trying to force yourself to remain friends afterward This relationship isn't healthy. You started as an affair, and have broken up several times. He's not the partner you hoped for. What exactly are you hanging on to? Or do you feel you're afraid of being single after such a long time? It sounds as though you haven't actually been on your own and really faced life as a single woman in many years. Is that's what's causing you to panic so much at the idea of letting go of what is essentially already a dead relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted February 9, 2021 Author Share Posted February 9, 2021 49 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why would want to remain friends with him? Break up with him, and go your separate ways as most exes do. There is no sense trying to force yourself to remain friends afterward This relationship isn't healthy. You started as an affair, and have broken up several times. He's not the partner you hoped for. What exactly are you hanging on to? Or do you feel you're afraid of being single after such a long time? It sounds as though you haven't actually been on your own and really faced life as a single woman in many years. Is that's what's causing you to panic so much at the idea of letting go of what is essentially already a dead relationship? I suppose I am hanging on to the friendship but I want more. We have the more title but he doesnt initiate the intimacy like he does our plans. Which makes me feel like the side friend. We are in constant contact so I don't believe there's anyone else but still very insecure that he may be looking because his part as a boyfriend is not up to my standards. He lacks the affection and care. He is coming over tonight and I swear if he doesnt hold me, kiss me, grab my a** something! I quit. He's definitely not a guy that is using me for sex. We genuinely love spending time together with a boyfriend Girlfriend status. Link to post Share on other sites
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