Does absence make the heart grow fonder even a thing?

[ElizaR]

The guy I was talking to long distance has been having some bad issues. I basically told him I was backing off and we ended up in an argument. I felt like this seperation was something we both needed because I'm going through certain things too. 

It's been about 5wks and neither of us have reached out. I'm not sure what to think. I do think if we lived close we would have already talked and seen each other. It seems it's just hard for us both to deal with right now. We had talked about seeing each other sometime this yr but who knows now. It's a far distance. 

But anyway do you think absence could help and it was the right thing to do? 

[Cookiesandough]

It depends. It can make the heart go yonder too...

[d0nnivain]

No you backing off was the wrong thing to do.  When things are bad in a good relationship you turn to each other for support & comfort.  You  pulling away says you don't care about him.   No wonder he's upset.  

If you want to fix things you will need to reach out.  By now he may no longer wish to speak to you because you have proved yourself unreliable.

[central]

Sometimes a little absence/distance can increase desire, but if it goes on too long it easily becomes out of sight, out of mind.  I'll add that LDRs are very difficult in the best of circumstances, and a time out may mean the end.

[smackie9]

Absence like not talking to them for a couple of days...but your situation is different. The distance is on a negative level. He is struggling, you felt he was pushing you out, so you beat him to the punch and backed off. He's feeling abandoned regardless of your excuse that it was a healthy choice to do. 5 weeks of nothing from you, that isn't making him miss you.

Edited February 6, 2021 by smackie9

[ElizaR]

50 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

No you backing off was the wrong thing to do.  When things are bad in a good relationship you turn to each other for support & comfort.  You  pulling away says you don't care about him.   No wonder he's upset.  

If you want to fix things you will need to reach out.  By now he may no longer wish to speak to you because you have proved yourself unreliable.

My reason for not speaking is his reaction he said some hurtful things. I honestly expected an apology. He may have felt abandoned but he was pushing me away. 

[ElizaR]

36 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Absence like not talking to them for a couple of days...but your situation is different. The distance is on a negative level. He is struggling, you felt he was pushing you out, so you beat him to the punch and backed off. He's feeling abandoned regardless of your excuse that it was a healthy choice to do. 5 weeks of nothing from you, that isn't making him miss you.

I have fear he won't respond. Our last convo he said hurtful things. We are both stubborn then I also have friends in my ear saying he should reach out.

At the same time I have no clue what to even say. I think about him a lot. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by ElizaR

[StrongHands]

48 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Absence like not talking to them for a couple of days...but your situation is different. The distance is on a negative level. He is struggling, you felt he was pushing you out, so you beat him to the punch and backed off. He's feeling abandoned regardless of your excuse that it was a healthy choice to do. 5 weeks of nothing from you, that isn't making him miss you.

I agree with Smackie.  A couple of days is one and of course 5 weeks is something else entirely.  By hurtful things, what exactly do you mean?  I guess hurtful things could be a myriad of things.  I will say that sometimes a "short time" apart can help us realize how much we miss someone. 

"The Most Beautiful Discovery Two People Can Make Is That They Can Grow Separately Without Growing Apart"

[ShyViolet]

You are very vague about why it didn't work out between you and him, but "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is not a one-size-fits-all cure to fix any relationship.  If you and this guy aren't compatible, then it won't work regardless of how long you take a break from contacting each other.

[smackie9]

oh I get it since you think of him a lot you feel he's doing the same thing. I think I told you on another site two weeks in to contact him...here it is 5 weeks later...you know you are the one that has to make the first move no matter what.

Edited February 7, 2021 by smackie9

[Cookiesandough]

What excuse does he have for saying hurtful things to you? I don’t think there is one. Sounds kinda toxic. And it’s long distance. Couldn’t find bad matches locally. Maybe it would be for the best if you didn’t hear from him again ... but I’m pretty certain you will 

Edited February 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ElizaR]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

What excuse does he have for saying hurtful things to you? I don’t think there is one. Sounds kinda toxic. And it’s long distance. Couldn’t find bad matches locally. Maybe it would be for the best if you didn’t hear from him again ... but I’m pretty certain you will 

What was said was all in the same day. Me saying I was backing off then later in the day he wrote me we talked for a bit so I thought maybe he was just trying to talk. Then we ended up getting in to it and that's when he said stuff and we haven't talked since. It is long distance but I know him in real life we just live far from each other now.

[ElizaR]

32 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You are very vague about why it didn't work out between you and him, but "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is not a one-size-fits-all cure to fix any relationship.  If you and this guy aren't compatible, then it won't work regardless of how long you take a break from contacting each other.

He was under a huge amount of stress, money, family things, and maybe us talking was to much responsibility for him right now. I don't know 

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, ElizaR said:

He was under a huge amount of stress, money, family things, and maybe us talking was to much responsibility for him right now. I don't know 

Ok well then taking a break and leaving him alone was the right thing to do.  But don't expect the absence to necessarily make the heart "grow fonder."  It might be the case that he is just not that into you or not in a place to date. 

[StrongHands]

Being hurtful to someone you care about never really accomplishes anything other than driving a wedge between you and them.  Nobody is VOID of stress or hardship in their lives NO MATTER HOW PERFECT THINGS MAY SEEM.  So, there really is no excuse for lashing out and hurting someone.  Keep that in mind. I think too often people try and explain away or validate someone's actions when there simply is no validation. 

[basil67]

If absence helped the heart grow fonder, "No Contact" would not be recommended for getting over a person.

[dramafreezone]

If say your significant other goes on a business trip for a couple of weeks there's an expectation that they will return, so there's anticipation for their return, especially if you're still in that infatuation stage.

With a breakup, it's because one person has unilaterally severed the connection.  There's nothing to really grow at that point when there's not an expectation of a relationship, at least in the near future.

I definitely think absence does make the heart grow fonder, but there has to be a connection.  After a breakup, one of the people has fallen out of love so the connection is gone.

Edited February 7, 2021 by dramafreezone

[ElizaR]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok well then taking a break and leaving him alone was the right thing to do.  But don't expect the absence to necessarily make the heart "grow fonder."  It might be the case that he is just not that into you or not in a place to date. 

Yeah I have thought those things. Our connection seemed to be huge. He even told me he loved me more than once. He had plans to come back here his dad lives here too and where he grew up.I do worry about him he has always had a tendency to get depressed. His sons mother died a few yrs ago and it affected him a lot. He has a lot of hurt in him which as a friend even makes me concerned about him.

I know to much baggage and if it was someone I never knew I wouldn't go there at all.

Edited February 7, 2021 by ElizaR

[Cookiesandough]

3 hours ago, StrongHands said:

Being hurtful to someone you care about never really accomplishes anything other than driving a wedge between you and them.  Nobody is VOID of stress or hardship in their lives NO MATTER HOW PERFECT THINGS MAY SEEM.  So, there really is no excuse for lashing out and hurting someone.  Keep that in mind. I think too often people try and explain away or validate someone's actions when there simply is no validation. 

Troof 

[Alpacalia]

Well, according to a new study published by the Journal of Communication:

Couples in long distance relationships have more meaningful interactions than those who see each other on a daily basis, leading to higher levels of intimacy.

Then again, you haven't communicated in five weeks.

[ElizaR]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

Well, according to a new study published by the Journal of Communication:

Couples in long distance relationships have more meaningful interactions than those who see each other on a daily basis, leading to higher levels of intimacy.

Then again, you haven't communicated in five weeks.

We probably have had more meaningful convos than we did when we saw each other. I don't know what to do. I want to reach out but I'm nervous and keep thinking he should be the one to. So here we are neither of us doing it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

24 minutes ago, ElizaR said:

We probably have had more meaningful convos than we did when we saw each other. I don't know what to do. I want to reach out but I'm nervous and keep thinking he should be the one to. So here we are neither of us doing it.

It's hard to advise without knowing what he did/said that was hurtful and that your response to was backing away from. IMO it would have been wise to have talked out the situation rather than taking a break if you wanted to keep the R going.

I think you're going to need to reach out since you're the one who backed away. Do you want to find yourself five months (instead of five weeks) from now without him and still wondering what you should do? If you backed away, and you want him, reach out to him is my advice and try to talk with him by doing a lot of listening, trying not to be defensive. Really listen.

Now if you shared with us what he said and it seemed really offensive to me, since he didn't apologize I'd say forget him and move on. But, I couldn't give you that advice without evaluating the conversation that caused you to back away.

[ElizaR]

26 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

It's hard to advise without knowing what he did/said that was hurtful and that your response to was backing away from. IMO it would have been wise to have talked out the situation rather than taking a break if you wanted to keep the R going.

I think you're going to need to reach out since you're the one who backed away. Do you want to find yourself five months (instead of five weeks) from now without him and still wondering what you should do? If you backed away, and you want him, reach out to him is my advice and try to talk with him by doing a lot of listening, trying not to be defensive. Really listen.

Now if you shared with us what he said and it seemed really offensive to me, since he didn't apologize I'd say forget him and move on. But, I couldn't give you that advice without evaluating the conversation that caused you to back away.

I backed away first before the hurtful comments. I did it because I just felt like there were times he acted off had things going on and I was just something else for him to deal with right now. At Christmas he was so attentive like we were a couple about 4 days later he acted kinda more distant. Distance is hard because he is not a big communicator. But he got mad told me that he was in pain and I wouldn't listen which he said stressed not tremendous amounts of pain. I guess I thought I might get his mind off of things. Then he did say he didn't want to talk to me which hurt my feelings but I think his were hurt too. It was a very immature reaction especially from someone grown. 

We have a good mutual friend who thinks he meant things he said to me over these months and probably haa regrets and embarrassed about our last convo is probably why he hasn't reached out.  But who knows I just worry about him even outside of romantically. 

[chillii]

There can be so much to posts like this and things left out that change it all like what op said that set him off maybe and what was getting into it - pressure . You might think you were a saint but people usually need something to set them off.

l'd just call him , or however your in touch , talk. 

[Fletch Lives]

You two have never met......you are strangers and you don't even know if there's real chemistry between you.