Does absence make the heart grow fonder even a thing?

[Wiseman2]

Try to let go of this situation. It's doing more harm than good. Continue taking care of yourself:

 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, ElizaR said:

We probably have had more meaningful convos than we did when we saw each other. I don't know what to do. I want to reach out but I'm nervous and keep thinking he should be the one to. So here we are neither of us doing it.

On his side, what hurtful remarks were made that gave you pause?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, ElizaR said:

We probably have had more meaningful convos than we did when we saw each other. I don't know what to do. I want to reach out but I'm nervous and keep thinking he should be the one to. So here we are neither of us doing it.

When was the last time you saw each other?

And what hrutful things did he say to you?

Sometimes it's not that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but rather that people realize they don't miss the other person and are fine calling it a day. 

[Trail Blazer]

I don't think the saying is applicable to the situation you find yourself in.

I do think the saying has merit, but only in certain contexts.  My situation, for example, it seemingly does.

I work on an oil rig so I'm away for three weeks and back home again for three.  It works really well for my girlfriend and I.

Having said that, we don't have anything to compare it to as we've been dating for the duration I've been working away.

Based just on both of our previous experiences dating and marriage (in my case), we both agree that my time away works well.

[ElizaR]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

On his side, what hurtful remarks were made that gave you pause?

He said the hurtful remarks after I told him I was backing off. I also worded some things like I wasn't going to talk anymore like I really hoped he had a great year and things worked out how he wanted them too. When I look back it seemed like I was calling things off which I really didn't mean completely. 

So he wrote me later that day he told he was on the edge in all matters I asked him what he meant exactly. Then he said I missed the true meaning...was doing a lot of beating around the bush. Then I was ugh I can't stand you sometimes which I say things like this in a joking matter and he knows that but he used it as time to blow up on me. 

So he writes I'm done how he was in pain and I wouldn't listen. That I caused chaos I told him to stop talking to me like that and don't say things he will end up regretting. He then even went in to saying stuff about me being materialistic which I'm not at all, pretending I have it bad the convo got all over the place silly and immature. My guess also is he thought I would text him by now for sure. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

14 minutes ago, ElizaR said:

He said the hurtful remarks after I told him I was backing off. I also worded some things like I wasn't going to talk anymore like I really hoped he had a great year and things worked out how he wanted them too. When I look back it seemed like I was calling things off which I really didn't mean completely. 

So he wrote me later that day he told he was on the edge in all matters I asked him what he meant exactly. Then he said I missed the true meaning...was doing a lot of beating around the bush. Then I was ugh I can't stand you sometimes which I say things like this in a joking matter and he knows that but he used it as time to blow up on me. 

So he writes I'm done how he was in pain and I wouldn't listen. That I caused chaos I told him to stop talking to me like that and don't say things he will end up regretting. He then even went in to saying stuff about me being materialistic which I'm not at all, pretending I have it bad the convo got all over the place silly and immature. My guess also is he thought I would text him by now for sure. 

OK, this is very helpful information, ElizaR.

Here's what I'm hearing from you, correct me if I'm wrong: He was going through a very stressful time and not communicating with you in the familiar pattern the two of you had been experiencing. This was bothersome, possibly hurtful, to you so that you told him you needed to back off. This was very painful to him and he lashed out at you which seemed to totally break off communication.

If this is so, neither of you handled the situation in a way that would promote a continuation of the R. Although there are correct ways to communicate in R's most of us have times when we fail at doing so in most every R. That is when grace for the other person takes over if you wish to continue the R. If the offense is so egregious that you don't wish to, then you opt out which it seems to me is the choice both of you made, you first, then him responding in kind. Either of you had the opportunity to change the trajectory of the R but both of you were either too offended or too inexperienced to do so, it seems to me.

The way I see it is that when he was changing his communication pattern early on and going through stress had you wanted to keep the R together in spite of that it may have helped him for you to be understanding with him and 1. talk it out with him and LISTEN to his problems, commiserating with him compassionately about his situation which is what comforts most of us and alleviates feelings of stress temporarily at least or 2. wait it out until things got back to a normal communication pattern.

But, when he was already hurting because of his trials and you told him you wanted to back off it hurt him so badly he lashed out at you.

To me, both of you communicated poorly and seem immature and inexperienced. That doesn't mean either of you are bad people. It just means you're both learning how to handle a relationship.

If you really like this guy and want him in your life (I'm not telling you that you should do this, it's just you indicate that's your desire so am offering up a suggestion) you may need to eat a little humble pie by contacting him and letting him know you wished you'd have listened and supported him and would like to re establish communication with him. Otherwise I doubt your R with him will continue.

There are many people who are always trying to make sure they aren't giving more than they're getting. My belief is that R's work best when each is giving 100%, focusing on the other in a healthy way, which is something hopefully you've learned growing up (if you haven't then you can learn, if you want to, this as you go along in life).  This is no guarantee of a perfect R as there is no formula for perfection, but it goes a long way toward getting one there. If you (or anyone else) hasn't learned this then you have to learn through experience as you mature.

I see some are suggesting you just move on which is also an option.

It seems to me, though, I recall this isn't a stranger, but someone who was in your life in some capacity before the two of you got into a R together and that your desire is to reconcile with him. If so, give it a shot.

[ElizaR]

1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

OK, this is very helpful information, ElizaR.

Here's what I'm hearing from you, correct me if I'm wrong: He was going through a very stressful time and not communicating with you in the familiar pattern the two of you had been experiencing. This was bothersome, possibly hurtful, to you so that you told him you needed to back off. This was very painful to him and he lashed out at you which seemed to totally break off communication.

If this is so, neither of you handled the situation in a way that would promote a continuation of the R. Although there are correct ways to communicate in R's most of us have times when we fail at doing so in most every R. That is when grace for the other person takes over if you wish to continue the R. If the offense is so egregious that you don't wish to, then you opt out which it seems to me is the choice both of you made, you first, then him responding in kind. Either of you had the opportunity to change the trajectory of the R but both of you were either too offended or too inexperienced to do so, it seems to me.

The way I see it is that when he was changing his communication pattern early on and going through stress had you wanted to keep the R together in spite of that it may have helped him for you to be understanding with him and 1. talk it out with him and LISTEN to his problems, commiserating with him compassionately about his situation which is what comforts most of us and alleviates feelings of stress temporarily at least or 2. wait it out until things got back to a normal communication pattern.

But, when he was already hurting because of his trials and you told him you wanted to back off it hurt him so badly he lashed out at you.

To me, both of you communicated poorly and seem immature and inexperienced. That doesn't mean either of you are bad people. It just means you're both learning how to handle a relationship.

If you really like this guy and want him in your life (I'm not telling you that you should do this, it's just you indicate that's your desire so am offering up a suggestion) you may need to eat a little humble pie by contacting him and letting him know you wished you'd have listened and supported him and would like to re establish communication with him. Otherwise I doubt your R with him will continue.

There are many people who are always trying to make sure they aren't giving more than they're getting. My belief is that R's work best when each is giving 100%, focusing on the other in a healthy way, which is something hopefully you've learned growing up (if you haven't then you can learn, if you want to, this as you go along in life).  This is no guarantee of a perfect R as there is no formula for perfection, but it goes a long way toward getting one there. If you (or anyone else) hasn't learned this then you have to learn through experience as you mature.

I see some are suggesting you just move on which is also an option.

It seems to me, though, I recall this isn't a stranger, but someone who was in your life in some capacity before the two of you got into a R together and that your desire is to reconcile with him. If so, give it a shot.

I do think I was pushy with wanting attention as I had been in a neglectful relationship before this. He made me feel ways I hadn't in a long time beautiful, cared about, wanted. He reached out and we got closer. So when I thought he was acting off I would freak out and most of the time he was thinking nothing. 

I really wish I would have handled things differently but it can't be undone. I have been really upset about it. He does have a hard time communicating and I'm one who wants to communicate about everything. Which also makes me seem to overreact. 

We are very grown people not young and I know what happened comes across like we are so this is not something that should have been handled like it was. I probably will not feel closure of any kind unless I do speak to him again good or bad outcome because that is how I'am. Also us being friends in the past and having mutual friends makes me concerned about him period. I just don't even know how to begin on what to say to him.

[LivingWaterPlease]

58 minutes ago, ElizaR said:

I do think I was pushy with wanting attention as I had been in a neglectful relationship before this. He made me feel ways I hadn't in a long time beautiful, cared about, wanted. He reached out and we got closer. So when I thought he was acting off I would freak out and most of the time he was thinking nothing. 

I really wish I would have handled things differently but it can't be undone. I have been really upset about it. He does have a hard time communicating and I'm one who wants to communicate about everything. Which also makes me seem to overreact. 

We are very grown people not young and I know what happened comes across like we are so this is not something that should have been handled like it was. I probably will not feel closure of any kind unless I do speak to him again good or bad outcome because that is how I'am. Also us being friends in the past and having mutual friends makes me concerned about him period. I just don't even know how to begin on what to say to him.

Well, join the club, ElizaR! We are all still learning as long as we are alive on this earth no matter what our age is!

It's totally understandable to feel insecure when someone we love, who makes us feel good, seems to be changing toward us. I get that. I think that happens in most R's at some point, especially when you are just learning how a person handles life.

What I'd do in your place first of all is to pray about it and to evaluate if it's a relationship I want to continue. For me, even if I would have made the mistake of not listening, and saying I wanted to back off, the fact that your bf lashed out at you would give me pause as to wanting to resume the R. Not saying I 100% wouldn't but I'd really think it through before deciding to get back into it.

I would rather be in a R with a guy who, in the instance you described, would have told me he was sorry I needed to back off but he would respect my wishes rather than to have him lash out at me. You're the only one who can decide how offensive his behavior was, though, and it you want to get back into the R. I don't want to influence you on that.

If I thought it through and decided I really wanted to get back in the R I would contact the guy, ask how he's doing, have a brief time of small talk with him and then share with him something like, "As I've thought about it I've realized that I really blew it (I messed up, whatever) in that I wish I'd have hung in there while you were so stressed out with _______ (<fill in the blank) and supported you by listening and just being there for you in general. I realize now that my emotions got the better of me and I backed off when I actually really wish I wouldn't have done so.

IOW, explain what is true.

Then see what he has to say. It's possible he'll say something like that he wishes he'd have handled it better, too. Or if he just is quiet then I might say something like, "I really miss our friendship, just wanted to touch base to see how you are and if we might could start talking again." You could just say you miss the friendship and want to see how he is without asking about starting talking again. That's up to you. I think I'd do it.

That's his cue to say he misses the friendship, too. If he doesn't pick up on the cue, I'd be kind to him and talk for a little while and probably tell him I need to get back to work, go exercise, whatever, just something to get off the phone.

Or depending on the feeling of the talk I might tell him I'd love to hear from him again if he's ever open to it. That, though, I'd have to weigh as to how the talk goes.

One thing I'd be sure to do is to shower him with kindness (not flattery) while on the phone with him. Ask how he is, his family, his work, etc. Just be interested in his well being more than in your own agenda.

And what I would not do is to get into a discussion sharing with him how he shouldn't have lashed out at you. You've got to backtrack and then demonstrate to him that the next time he's under pressure you'll show him by your actions you can handle it without backing off.

I believe it may have felt to him as if you were breaking up with him. The fact that he lashed out, though painful, tells you something. And that is, that he must have really cared for you to have it hurt him so badly that you were backing off that he'd lash out at you.

If he seems distant in all of this convo and you can't seem to get anywhere with him, I'd just be gracious, and get myself off the phone and onto other things knowing I did all I could to repair the situation. Just remember that whatever happens on the phone to try to imagine how he must be feeling and treat him the way you want to be treated rather than to run off in fear trying to protect your own feelings. When you think of someone else's feelings first, in the long run  you discover you're actually doing what is best for your own feelings as prioritizing the feelings of others naturally, most of the times, not always, seems to encourage them to prioritize yours. But you do it because you care for others, not to manipulate them.

There may be other posters who would handle it differently and better for your style than the above. I would have no problem admitting my mistake though. I'd want to do it whether or not the R was going to continue because that would make the situation clear to both of you as to your part. His part in it is his own responsibility. 

It's never comfortable to have to admit a mistake, which is a good thing because it makes you think twice about putting yourself in the position of having to do it again!

I hope you'll keep posting!

 

Edited February 7, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease
paragraph spacing

[Cookiesandough]

It sounds to me like he was being vague about things and you kept pushing and he blew up. This is not how a functional interpersonal relationship looks. It’s hard to say because the way OP‘s tend to write things is often one sided and thick with bias for or against the other person But Re-your thread why am I into toxic relationships. I think you are somewhat attracted to this dynamic.

Edited February 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[LivingWaterPlease]

16 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It sounds to me like he was being vague about things and you kept pushing and he blew up. This is not how a functional interpersonal relationship looks. It’s hard to say because the way OP‘s tend to write things is often one sided and thick with bias for or against the other person But Re-your thread why am I into toxic relationships. I think you are somewhat attracted to this dynamic.

OP, if this is the way it is, I wouldn't contact him again. I haven't read your other thread and my take on it was different than the above post. I had thought you were backing away from him not pushing. If you were pushing and he lashed out I doubt if contacting him will change the situation. I don't think it would be the right thing to do for him, either. If you were pushing he may not want to deal with it anymore.

It's good to have various perspectives so that you can figure out which best suits the situation.

Edited February 7, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[ElizaR]

40 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Well, join the club, ElizaR! We are all still learning as long as we are alive on this earth no matter what our age is!

It's totally understandable to feel insecure when someone we love, who makes us feel good, seems to be changing toward us. I get that. I think that happens in most R's at some point, especially when you are just learning how a person handles life.

What I'd do in your place first of all is to pray about it and to evaluate if it's a relationship I want to continue. For me, even if I would have made the mistake of not listening, and saying I wanted to back off, the fact that your bf lashed out at you would give me pause as to wanting to resume the R. Not saying I 100% wouldn't but I'd really think it through before deciding to get back into it.

I would rather be in a R with a guy who, in the instance you described, would have told me he was sorry I needed to back off but he would respect my wishes rather than to have him lash out at me. You're the only one who can decide how offensive his behavior was, though, and it you want to get back into the R. I don't want to influence you on that.

If I thought it through and decided I really wanted to get back in the R I would contact the guy, ask how he's doing, have a brief time of small talk with him and then share with him something like, "As I've thought about it I've realized that I really blew it (I messed up, whatever) in that I wish I'd have hung in there while you were so stressed out with _______ (<fill in the blank) and supported you by listening and just being there for you in general. I realize now that my emotions got the better of me and I backed off when I actually really wish I wouldn't have done so.

IOW, explain what is true.

Then see what he has to say. It's possible he'll say something like that he wishes he'd have handled it better, too. Or if he just is quiet then I might say something like, "I really miss our friendship, just wanted to touch base to see how you are and if we might could start talking again." You could just say you miss the friendship and want to see how he is without asking about starting talking again. That's up to you. I think I'd do it.

That's his cue to say he misses the friendship, too. If he doesn't pick up on the cue, I'd be kind to him and talk for a little while and probably tell him I need to get back to work, go exercise, whatever, just something to get off the phone.

Or depending on the feeling of the talk I might tell him I'd love to hear from him again if he's ever open to it. That, though, I'd have to weigh as to how the talk goes.

One thing I'd be sure to do is to shower him with kindness (not flattery) while on the phone with him. Ask how he is, his family, his work, etc. Just be interested in his well being more than in your own agenda.

And what I would not do is to get into a discussion sharing with him how he shouldn't have lashed out at you. You've got to backtrack and then demonstrate to him that the next time he's under pressure you'll show him by your actions you can handle it without backing off.

I believe it may have felt to him as if you were breaking up with him. The fact that he lashed out, though painful, tells you something. And that is, that he must have really cared for you to have it hurt him so badly that you were backing off that he'd lash out at you.

If he seems distant in all of this convo and you can't seem to get anywhere with him, I'd just be gracious, and get myself off the phone and onto other things knowing I did all I could to repair the situation. Just remember that whatever happens on the phone to try to imagine how he must be feeling and treat him the way you want to be treated rather than to run off in fear trying to protect your own feelings. When you think of someone else's feelings first, in the long run  you discover you're actually doing what is best for your own feelings as prioritizing the feelings of others naturally, most of the times, not always, seems to encourage them to prioritize yours. But you do it because you care for others, not to manipulate them.

There may be other posters who would handle it differently and better for your style than the above. I would have no problem admitting my mistake though. I'd want to do it whether or not the R was going to continue because that would make the situation clear to both of you as to your part. His part in it is his own responsibility. 

It's never comfortable to have to admit a mistake, which is a good thing because it makes you think twice about putting yourself in the position of having to do it again!

I hope you'll keep posting!

 

I did make a comment to how I feel if someone wants to talk to you they will one day, which was just after a few days of not speaking which makes me over react and he didn't think anything. He said you are right I'm sorry I do want to talk to you. Then he was very attentive and trying. Then he just started acting off which he was having money issues, older son moved home, just different things. 

I'm not excusing stuff or putting all the blame on myself because it wasn't just me. He also had talked a lot about moving back at least closer to home where his family is and to see me also. I was thinking maybe he was for real and me saying I hope his yr went good made him think wth we had plans. He did tell me he needs some time about coming home too. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by ElizaR

[ElizaR]

20 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It sounds to me like he was being vague about things and you kept pushing and he blew up. This is not how a functional interpersonal relationship looks. It’s hard to say because the way OP‘s tend to write things is often one sided and thick with bias for or against the other person But Re-your thread why am I into toxic relationships. I think you are somewhat attracted to this dynamic.

I have always dated a lot of toxic guys. I don't know if I consider him toxic or not. It does seem to be something I do. He actually said a lot of things that weren't vague and maybe made me think he felt more than he did. I just don't really know.

[ElizaR]

7 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

OP, if this is the way it is, I wouldn't contact him again. I haven't read your other thread and my take on it was different than the above post. I had thought you were backing away from him not pushing. If you were pushing and he lashed out I doubt if contacting him will change the situation. I don't think it would be the right thing to do for him, either. If you were pushing he may not want to deal with it anymore.

It's good to have various perspectives so that you can figure out which best suits the situation.

I don't feel it was pushing. I told him I was taking some steps back. I was actually not mean at all and didn't even mean permanently. I guess maybe I needed constant validation which he had told me he liked me a lot to even saying he loved me several times which should have been enough. But I'm a huge overthinker about everything in life I think the worst a lot.

[LivingWaterPlease]

11 minutes ago, ElizaR said:

I did make a comment to how I feel if someone wants to talk to you they will one day, which was just after a few days of not speaking which makes me over react and he didn't think anything. He said you are right I'm sorry I do want to talk to you. Then he was very attentive and trying. Then he just started acting off which he was having money issues, older son moved home, just different things. 

I'm not excusing stuff or putting all the blame on myself because it wasn't just me. He also had talked a lot about moving back at least closer to home where his family is and to see me also. I was thinking maybe he was for real and me saying I hope his yr went good made him think wth we had plans. He did tell me he needs some time about coming home too. 

There's a lot in the above post that I'm having difficulty as to what was said, by whom, at what point and under what circumstances. All of those facts make a big difference and I'm having difficulty sorting it all out from what you've written.

If you are in a R and someone doesn't speak to you a few days, then you say to them, "If someone wants to talk to you they will one day," It seems somewhat passive aggressive (insulting) to me. To me a healthier and more direct approach would be, "You've been really quiet. Are you going through a busy time or what's going on?" Then you listen to their reasons of not being in contact which could be stresses. When they tell you of the stresses you say, "Oh, I understand! Let me know if there's anything I can do." Then give them space to do whatever is most comfortable for them. Since you would have told the person you understand and are ready to do anything for them, you have opened a door for them to confide of their stresses in you which would bond the two of you together. If they don't take the bait and confide, and you keep pushing, then  you'll forfeit the R, most likely. People can only stand so much stress and when it gets too heavy they have to run.

The other thing you can do is to be quiet when they withdraw until they have time or initiative to contact you.

In trying to understand what happened between the two of you, I'm sorry to say it seems to me he was under a lot of stress and the relationship with you added more stress. I don't think contacting him again, at this point, will help.

Again, I'm sorry to write this because I know you're missing him and it's not an easy time for you.

 

2 minutes ago, ElizaR said:

I don't feel it was pushing. I told him I was taking some steps back. I was actually not mean at all and didn't even mean permanently. I guess maybe I needed constant validation which he had told me he liked me a lot to even saying he loved me several times which should have been enough. But I'm a huge overthinker about everything in life I think the worst a lot.

It's not about being mean or not. It's about removing yourself from the relationship. Even when you do that in a nice way, it's very painful. At the very least it probably hurt him and it may have even felt punitive to him. Meaning that you were punishing him for not meeting your needs when he was doing all he could for you. This is a guess on my part as to whether or not it felt punitive. It did either hurt or stress him or he wouldn't have lashed out (not that that excuses the lashing out!).

It's still not totally clear to me exactly how all this went down, though. I do think you pushed him without realizing that's how it felt to him. It seems to me you don't realize the effect of your words and actions on another person. I'm not trying to criticize you but rather to help you learn from this to prioritize HIS feelings.

That said, I'm sure part of the break up was his fault, too. It's just that he's not on here asking for advice so I'm trying to address what it seems like from your side only.

 

IOW, if you were stressed out and he was wanting more of your time and attention yet you were too stressed to meet his demands, then he broke up with you (that's how many people take it when you say you're stepping back) that would be painful and add more stress to you, in addition to what you're already experiencing. Idk for sure, though, because I'm not sure I'm understanding the total picture of your R and interactions clearly.

Shortskirts may have a better read on your situation given she's followed your other thread(s). But, did want to reply to you. Not sure it's any help, though. If there's something I've written that you can clear up and I can help in any way, I'll be glad to.

 

[poppyfields]

Eliza, I think much of what has gone down between the two of you is due to (1) you haven't seen each other in 15 years (per a previous thread) (2) he's 3000 miles away and (3) you're unable to handle the distance given your strong emotions.  

I've had on line interactions with men long distance and while the feelings were there in some cases, I always tried to keep it all in proper perspective.

I cannot imagine feeling so emotionally attached to a man on line that if he didn't reach out in four days, I freaked out and became emotionally unhinged.  The fact this happens (or happened) was your cue to realize that you are far more emotionally attached than you should be given the circumstances (haven't seen in 15 years, it's on line, and the distance).

Sadly, you allowed your emotions to drive your ship, and the ship sank.

Telling him you were backing off was a defense mechanism as was your telling him "have a great year." As if to suggest whatever you had was done.   Sort of like "take care" - it's what many people say when they're done.

It was false pride, your attempt to play it cool, and it backfired. 

Which you may have been able to reconcile if you lived closer and could see each other, talk, and touch. Be close. 

But that's not going to happen anytime soon so you're left with trying to conduct what appears to have been a very intense romantic relationship/interaction on line. 

I do not think you should reach out.  I honestly don't see how that would serve any good purpose, again given the circumstances.

If there is any chance for the two of you, wait until he returns this summer and see each other then.  In person.  

Look, you reconnected after 15 years, another few months shouldn't make any difference.

If you reach out now, the same circumstances that caused the problems and ultimately brought that ship down still exist.

If me, I'd lay low, carry on with life. Sure I'd think about him and miss him, but would wait until we could be together in person to even consider a relationship as intense as this. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

33 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

If me, I'd lay low, carry on with life. Sure I'd think about him and miss him, but would wait until we could be together in person to even consider a relationship as intense as this. 

On second thought, reaching out telling him this^ (minus the intense part) might be a good idea. 

Apologize for your role in the conflict and suggest reconnecting this summer when he returns to your city. 

Hopefully he will apologize too and you can both agree to keep it and each other warm (in your hearts) until then.

 

Edited February 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[ElizaR]

49 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

On second thought, reaching out telling him this^ (minus the intense part) might be a good idea. 

Apologize for your role in the conflict and suggest reconnecting this summer when he returns to your city. 

Hopefully he will apologize too and you can both agree to keep it and each other warm (in your hearts) until then.

 

You are right the distance and not being able to see each other was very hard. My guess is we wouldn't have had that argument or would have definitely made up by now if he was here. I think it's also easier to let it go knowing there is no way to see each other. That was another thing I was thinking maybe just give him time to deal with his stuff and do what he has to do. 

I had actually been married for this whole long time we were not in contact. I have been divorced a yr now. Maybe I was still vulnerable, starved for attention,I don't know. I'm definitely over my ex divorce was my decision.  But I had strong feelings before we were really young then and it seemed like they just started coming back esp with how he acted. It also automatically felt like we had never stopped talking and we just picked right back up. My best friend is friends with him so she has kept me up to date with him thru the yrs. 

[ElizaR]

Just now, ElizaR said:

You are right the distance and not being able to see each other was very hard. My guess is we wouldn't have had that argument or would have definitely made up by now if he was here. I think it's also easier to let it go knowing there is no way to see each other. That was another thing I was thinking maybe just give him time to deal with his stuff and do what he has to do. 

I had actually been married for this whole long time we were not in contact. I have been divorced a yr now. Maybe I was still vulnerable, starved for attention,I don't know. I'm definitely over my ex divorce was my decision. I do think emotions seemed to be high with both of us really. But I had strong feelings before we were really young then and it seemed like they just started coming back esp with how he acted. It also automatically felt like we had never stopped talking and we just picked right back up. My best friend is friends with him so she has kept me up to date with him thru the yrs. 

 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, ElizaR said:

He said the hurtful remarks after I told him I was backing off. I also worded some things like I wasn't going to talk anymore like I really hoped he had a great year and things worked out how he wanted them too. When I look back it seemed like I was calling things off which I really didn't mean completely. 

Why did you "back off?" Have you ever been officially in a relationship, or is this someone you've been casually dating? Have you spent time together in person?

It might not matter at this juncture, I suppose, but it could provide some much needed perspective.

You can still reach out one more time but there is no assurance that he will be responsive or that it will be in your favor. 

I hope that one way or the other you can get a sense of understanding.

 

 

[poppyfields]

Eliza, it's normal and natural to have feelings, strong emotions. I did too.  

That's not the problem; the problem is you failed to manage your emotions properly and allowed them to steer your ship.

It appears you placed expectations on him and how you wanted everything to be without first understanding "him" what he wanted, what drove his ship.

You said he was under stress and hurting, do you know how difficult it is for most men to admit that?  Especially to a woman they care about?  

But yet it appears you were only thinking of yourself, and took personally.  Thought it meant he was rejecting you so in essence you rejected him first, by telling him you were backing off and then "have a great year."

Imo you were shyt testing him, hoping for a reaction that would serve your needs. 

Not saying this to guilt trip you, only to make you aware of how important it is to manage emotions and keep it all in proper perspective.

To echo my last post, my advice is put your ego and pride aside and reach out.

Not to "get back together" but as a friend, because you care.

As for how he reacts to that?  That's for him to determine and not your problem.

 

Edited February 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[ElizaR]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Eliza, it's normal and natural to have feelings, strong emotions. I did too.  

That's not the problem; the problem is you failed to manage your emotions properly and allowed them to steer your ship.

It appears you placed expectations on him and how you wanted everything to be without first understanding "him" what he wanted, what drove his ship.

You said he was under stress and hurting, do you know how difficult it is for most men to admit that?  Especially to a woman they care about?  

But yet it appears you were only thinking of yourself, and took personally.  Thought it meant he was rejecting you so in essence you rejected him first, by telling him you were backing off and then "have a great year."

Imo you were shyt testing him, hoping for a reaction that would serve your needs. 

Not saying this to guilt trip you, only to make you aware of how important it is to manage emotions and keep it all in proper perspective.

To echo my last post, my advice is put your ego and pride aside and reach out.

Not to "get back together" but as a friend, because you care.

As for how he reacts to that?  That's for him to determine and not your problem.

 

You are right I over reacted a lot and needed constant validation from him. I was not in a great place either we had convos about it so I'm guessing that had some to do with it on my part too. I was being selfish which is unlike me. I usually think about everyone but myself.

If I reach out I won't be surprised if he ignores me or something. But I also feel like I have no closure and I hate that it ended with being upset. I have a feeling he figured I would reach out and I haven't. He is very stubborn so I kinda knew even from that he wouldn't. 

[ElizaR]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Why did you "back off?" Have you ever been officially in a relationship, or is this someone you've been casually dating? Have you spent time together in person?

It might not matter at this juncture, I suppose, but it could provide some much needed perspective.

You can still reach out one more time but there is no assurance that he will be responsive or that it will be in your favor. 

I hope that one way or the other you can get a sense of understanding.

 

 

I backed off because I felt like at times he would be all in then would get closed off. I knew he was stressed and instead of being there for him and even quietly giving him more space I jumped the gun.

We dated and hung out when we were young. I know people say don't go back to an ex but I never thought much we were young and not ready to be together forever. We were always together same friends and everything too. Right after him I got in a relationship with my ex husband. So I didn't hear from him except a Happy bday or something like that on social media. During this time he also moved 3000 miles away. So we have only talked, text,  face timed all that stuff this go around.

Edited February 8, 2021 by ElizaR

[ExpatInItaly]

Ah, I remember your other thread now. 

Eliza, you're way too attached to this man. It's been over a decade since the last time you even saw him. And you're treating it now like you're dating and placing expectations on him that are out of proportion to a situation in which you're not in a relationship. 

You have to stop trying to make this more than it is. It's hurting you. You two might reconnect if he actually relocates to your area (as I recall, even those plans are tentative) but until then, you need to take space from him and stop approaching this like he's a long-distance boyfriend. He isn't.  You're over-invested in online flirting and building this up in your head to be more than it actually is. Maybe he's guilty of the same, yes, but you need to keep perspective in circumstances like this and not get swept away in your emotions and fantasy of what might be. Deal with what is: an old flame from long ago, who is far away, without any definite idea of when you will see each other again. 

Reflect on the void that you're trying to get him to fill. That is where you'll make true progress and learn to become less emotionally--dependent on such a flimsy prospective. 

[Phallacy]

No but familiarity breeds contempt.