How to deal with a partner who has issues of cheating?

[Sidyboy]

I knew this girl for 7 years before we started dating. When we met, we were more than friends, but then later lost touch for about 5 years. 

I moved to another country for education, then started working and she came here on an exchange program. We met, and she looked beautiful. I actually understood the meaning of love at first sight. We started seeing each other every weekend. It used to be 8 hours commute one way but then we somehow made sure we saw each other every weekend. I knew and she had told me about having multiple sexual partners in her life, so I was taking my own time to officially ask her out in the relationship. I told her I love her; I want to be with her, but I just wanted things to be more concrete (I think I wanted to be more assured that she wouldn't see other people once she got in a relationship with me). 

We "officially" got into a relationship in the last month of 2019.  We went back to our home country. I introduced her to my parents, everything was great. A couple of weeks later, when I went out on a trip with her in January '20, I went through her phone (to send my pictures to myself) and saw pictures of her sleeping with another boy 3 days before we "officially" got into a relationship. She slept with that boy twice (from the dates of the pictures). I was super upset. But it was a grey area. So, I didn't know if I was allowed to be upset about it and I was too much in love, so I was consoling her instead of the opposite. I assured her that I won't let this thing come into our relationship and we'll make this work. I even gave her my credit card and told her that I trust her with it. (She never used it)

I flew back to where I work at the end of that month. Distance didn't go well; she fell sick and was hospitalized for a couple of days too. My parents went to visit her because they knew I am serious about this girl and also talked to her parents. This is when covid just started kicking in and she used to constantly tell me that what's the point of this relationship if you can't even come back during a pandemic. She started going back to her university and we used to fight a lot. 

March '20: Things came to a point where if I didn't go back, I knew we'd split. So, one afternoon, I called my boss and asked him if I can go back to my home country for 5 days. I kept the call at 4.50 PM, booked a flight at 5 PM that was departing at 8 PM, asked my roomie to get some snacks that she likes, and at 5.15 PM I was out of the house. I left in my home slippers. (Little did I know, I was gna be stuck in my home slippers for the next 2 months). I took the long 16 hours flight, booked a cab, and went directly to her place. She came home from her university town because of the pandemic. Everything went well until the next morning I saw her phone and understood that she had been cheating on me (with another boy). I was so broken. I saw their pictures holding hands, she was clicking his pictures in the gym, their date night pictures, etc. It was extremely brutal, and I was shattered. 

My father is a cancer survivor (touch wood). Coming back home in covid time was a terrible decision. Luckily both my parents tested negative and they're okay. The same day, all the inbound and outbound flights were canceled for an indefinite period of time. If I couldn't return in the next 3 months, my visa status would've been void and I had an education loan to clear. I spent most of my days during the lockdown by taking depression naps. But I was very heavily emotionally invested in the relationship. She (my partner) met me a few times, she was very remorseful and was trying to make it up to me. She said she realized her mistakes and with no great efforts from her side, I gave in. Those 2 months were okay. We hardly met, but having her in front of my eyes sort of made me forget things. 

I flew back in May '20, 2 months after I came down. A few days later, I was telling her about the incident that when I was coming back to my home country, I told my co-passengers that I am going home for 5 days to see my girl because she ain't well, to which they replied "Omg! She's so lucky", so I asked her that do you feel lucky? She said, "I think I deserve it". And I was just shocked, but I didn't pay much heed. 3 weeks later, she came and confessed to me that she went and asked out one of her old boyfriend. That boy didn't take her back, but the damage was done.

The next 6 months were terrible, we fought like cats and dogs. All that while, she was questioning the point of the relationship and I was on my toes to make her feel special. She was living with her parents during that tenure (June '20 - Dec '20). I used to send her flowers, order her food, send her gifts, pampered her 101. I used to talk to her mother, send them deserts at times as a gesture because I wanted them to like me. But then that used to just do the patchwork for few days, and she used to go back to the same whining. She's someone from whom physical presence matters a lot, but unfortunately, that was something I couldn't give her. That made her feel like the relationship is not real (With all due respect, I personally think that if one lives more consciously, then he or she has a clear distinction between real and not real). And even if it is not real for you, then one should respect the next person's sentiments, quit it, and then do whatever you want. 

Fast forward Jan '21, she went back to her college town. I felt like I finally moved on from all the cheating episodes and we can give it a fresh start. On her way back, she assured me 100% that nothing would happen. However, those were just words. I booked her a spa retreat for 3 days, she asked me if she can take her best friend. I told her I wasn't cool so, she didn't take him. Everything was good, until a couple of days later she came and confessed to me she slept with that same guy she wanted to go there. 

At this point, I am broken. I am out of words. I myself do not know what I feel. Every single day, I wake up and I have one goal that is not to let my relationship mess affect my work, my career, and my parents, and my physical health. I go to the gym, I meditate regularly, I eat well but nothing seems to fill that void. I told my parents about the whole thing, they asked me to leave but I am just so emotionally invested in this that I just can't. I know it is a recipe for disaster, I know I should quit it, but my own self-respect, self-esteem, and self-image have so deteriorated and probably because of that I cannot leave this. There's a part of me that still loves her, I understand that her currency of love is physical presence, but I know for a fact that till whenever this relationship goes on, I will be the only one giving in this relationship. In the initial days when she cheated on me the 4th time (Jan '21), she asked me not to even share it with my friends or parents. And whenever I am upset about things, the only thing I get is her getting mad at me. I know what the right thing is to do, but I can't take that step because I am so emotionally invested in her. At this point, I am just tired of myself. 

I don't know if things will be okay if we stay together. She couldn't visit me because of the pandemic and visa restrictions. I don't know if I wanna stay. Everything just seems unclear. I question everything and I have a hard time trusting her because I found things. When I took that leap of faith to trust her again, I fell right on my face. When will I really ever stop feeling this way? And if yes, what to do in order to get over this?

 

Thank you for reading it till the end. All your inputs are appreciated. 

[FMW]

You know you can't trust her, she's proven it time and again. So the only way to even begin to get over her and the hurt she's caused you is to cut her out of your life.  Don't have any contact with her.  Your feelings are too strong right now and you'll just keep giving her more and more chances.

Getting over it won't happen over night.  With time and no contact you can move on, but you have to commit to doing that and strictly stick with the no contact. 

[ShyViolet]

You have two choices.  You can either cut her out of your life and end this madness, or keep going through these problems over and over.  She is not going to change.  She will keep doing these things.

[Sidyboy]

I agree. I am aware of what's the right choice to pick and that there will be no end to this menace especially if the distance goes on. I think I just want something to be true so bad that I am ignoring the present and all the red flags. Like you fall in love with your imagination that you lose the track of reality and base all your decisions on imagination. I know what I want and what needs to be done, but acting on it is just so difficult. 

[Fletch Lives]

Good women who love you and have integrity don't cheat. She's a bad girl. I would recommend finding a good girl.

It does not matter how hot they are and how much you love them - you need a good girl.......otherwise, you will walk around all the time in pain, and live a life of quiet desperation. Don't play with a cheater, it's not worth the pain.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Sidyboy said:

 I went through her phone and saw pictures of her sleeping with another boy 3 days before we "officially" 

Sorry this is happening. There's no trust. Add to that too much long distance for too long. 

You're both burned out from all this. It would be best to cut your losses and free yourself from the headaches and heartaches of dragging this relationship out.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Sidyboy said:

I don't know if things will be okay if we stay together. She couldn't visit me because of the pandemic and visa restrictions. 

They will not be okay, no. They have never been okay, so it's definitely not going to change now after more than one infidelity. 

Your relationship is dead in the water, OP. She has never been into you the way you've been into her, as evidenced by her cheating and always having other guys around. You've been trying to make her love you, but she just doesn't. Sending her gifts and flowers, spoiling her, sending her parents gifts and giving her your credit card (wtf, man, bad move) is not going to make her love you. She just doesn't have those feelings for you and I don't get the sense that she ever really has. 

She doesn't want to be with you, but isn't mature enough to end it cleanly and let you go. But that's what's going to happen when one day another guy wants to actually date her. You will be left in the dust, man. So even if you cannot let go, she eventually will. This isn't your Happily Ever After, and you're going to learn that the even harder way when she ends it. It's not a question of if, but when. 

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, Sidyboy said:

I don't know if things will be okay if we stay together.

You shouldn’t stay with her. I have lost track of the number of times she has slept with another man while dating you, and that is not ok. You sound like the kindest, sweetest boyfriend... but, you have spent way too much money trying to woo this girl - who is dating and sleeping with other men in your absence. No amount of flowers, or meals, or spa holidays is going to convince her to stop doing that - she has a SERIOUS character flaw that makes her not a safe or reliable partner. Stop being a doormat and find your spine. She will not respect you if you do not respect yourself. It’s time to end it with this woman - trust me, you will find another woman who will both love and respect you... you won’t have to go through her phone to see who she is sleeping with and she will appreciate your kindness and loyalty. 

[salparadise]

11 hours ago, Sidyboy said:

so I asked her that do you feel lucky? She said, "I think I deserve it". And I was just shocked, but I didn't pay much heed. 3 weeks later, she came and confessed to me that she went and asked out one of her old boyfriends.

I understand that her currency of love is physical presence, but I know for a fact that till whenever this relationship goes on, I will be the only one giving in this relationship. In the initial days when she cheated on me the 4th time (Jan '21), she asked me not to even share it with my friends or parents. And whenever I am upset about things, the only thing I get is her getting mad at me.

 

Man, I seriously empathize with your pain, however, what you really need is some old fashioned straight talk (and a slap upside the head) which might help you to shift your perception/paradigm. Throughout your description you are apologizing and rationalizing her behavior... with a compete failure to look out for yourself. If you don't change that predisposition women will be walking all over you for the rest of your painfully pitiful life. 

She is about as entitled as a person can be, and even says as much. She deserves it. Sheesh. Women who are blessed with physical beauty, yet lacking innate character and moral foundation often turn out this way because they're used to the world beating a path to their door... and yes, at some point they simply come to believe they are exempt from societal rules and behavioral constraints. Additionally, the focus is always on themselves and they have little ability relate, empathize, or even appreciate the feelings of others. Why do you think she was so forthcoming with this confession about offering herself to the old boyfriend? I guarantee it wasn't because she was compelled by guilt or ethics to be honest. It was because she a) knew there would be no consequences, b) she was effectively asserting her dominance (wiping her feet), and c) she is not in the least concerned as to how it makes you feel. Then she asks you not to tell anyone –– why? Because it will affect how others perceive her, and they will hold her accountable while you just send more gifts, flowers, etc. She knows you're whipped and she doesn't respect you.

"Her currency of love is physical presence"  This is not a love-language thing;  it is object permanence. It is studied in developmental psychology. In the most literal form infants around the age of 12 months begin to understand that an object still exists even if it is out of sight. But in a more figurative sense, some people never develop and extend that to relational objects. I think she may be one of those. If she isn't getting what she needs from you –– constant adoration, narcissistic supply –– it's as if you don't even exist. No ability or inclination to be other focused.

I could go on and on about this type of personality dysfunction, but I'm going to cut to the chase...  Why do you not love and respect yourself enough to erase this skank from your mind and emotions? Why do you not believe that YOU deserve more? And before you try and blame it on love, I will tell you straight up, that is not the answer.

I sincerely hope you get over this and not let it affect your future relationships. Not all women are like this. Some will actually love you and try to meet your needs too. You deserve it.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, salparadise said:

"Her currency of love is physical presence"  This is not a love-language thing;  it is object permanence.

Lol. 

The thing is, you could be physically present OP and she would still be seeking the attention of others. The fact that you are long distance just makes it easier for her to continue this charade. What I don’t see in your post is any kind of remorse - from her. You are literally tripping over yourself trying to accommodate for your lack of physical presence by buying her love... and she is eating it up! She has no problem accepting your overly generous gifts while continuing to do... exactly as she wants. And, what she is doing is not ok. The fact that she does this is a problem. The fact that you allow her to do this without consequence - you actually reward her for doing this by buying her flowers and spa holidays - is also a problem. 

At best, she is immature and not able to tell you that she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. But even then, to accept these gifts while having sex with with other men is pretty unconscionable. At worst, she is absolutely taking advantage of you. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[dramafreezone]

Don't date them anymore, or at least not seriously.

You have to start believing that you deserve better than someone that sees you as not her best option.  You put her #1 and you are something less than that to her.  In fact you're just another guy to her, easily replacable in her eyes. If you think that's acceptable then you have some issues to fix within yourself.

There is no love language of physical presence.  She has extreme insecurity issues.  I had a friend like this that had to get that validation from some guy at all times, could not be alone.

And someone above mentioned it, if you just take her back then what is keeping her from doing it again and again.

Edited February 7, 2021 by dramafreezone