A kiss. with an ex?

[butterflymandoa]

My partner and I have been together for several years. We got together a while after his school ex dumped him. Recently (many years later) he went to a house party and she was there. They ended up kissing (allegedly she kissed him) after she spoke about her regrets of the past.

He's been so extremely remorseful I can barely look him in the eye due to the guilt and sadness he's feeling. He assured me the kiss wasn't passionate and was in his words 'a weird nostalgic house party kiss'. He's given up drugs and is committed to drinking much less.

Whether I believe she kissed him first or not, it hurts either way that he went back to someone who caused us so much trouble and treated him so badly but...is it forgivable? Do people often require that closure to feel 'good enough?' Sorry I know it might seem small and it's not a full blown affair but it's really destroyed us (especially me).

Edited February 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, looloomay said:

 He said he was drunk (and high) and flattered by the attention from someone who 10 years before had dumped and deleted him without a second thought. 

Sorry this is happening. He treats you like a third wheel in his obsession with her.

You need to end it. There's zero progress after 7 years and you know more about thier relationship than your own.

He's a cheater and has no respect for you. End it. Frankly you are wasting your time on someone who gives you nothing but lies, excuses, headaches and heartaches.

[Lorryborry]

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. He treats you like a third wheel in his obsession with her.

You need to end it. There's zero progress after 7 years and you know more about thier relationship than your own.

He's a cheater and has no respect for you. End it. Frankly you are wasting your time on someone who gives you nothing but lies, excuses, headaches and heartaches.

Wiseman I normally agree with you as you are practical but mmmmm......it was a drugged/drunk kiss at a house party....not an affair.  I think they can get past it.   Hes remorseful.  This other girl obviously hurt him badly.   He is open with phone and laptop .  Seems to be trying. Not sure she should Junk relationship for that if it's good besides. 

[Pottering About]

Hi, sorry you find yourself in this position. Firstly, you are not being pathetic, it was hurtful and he would be just as p*ssed if you had done the same to him.
 

On the face of it, it was only a kiss, he felt bad and has apologised. However, I think this potentially hides a number of problems:

1) 28 years old, doing drugs, drinking heavily and partying. Isn’t it about time he grew up? How do you feel about this behaviour, do you find it a bit juvenile? Doesn’t mean he had to live like a monk but ......

2) Are you more concerned about the possibility of the psycho b**** coming back into yours and his lives, rather than the kiss? Is it bad enough to consider taking out restraining orders if there is a repetition of her former behaviour?
 

3) How are you going to feel every time he wants to go back to his hometown? For me, the trust would be gone on this and I would be distinctly unhappy if he wanted to go home without me there. If I was there, I would also be distinctly unhappy if he wanted to go anywhere or mix in circles where psycho b**** is likely to be present. You both just need her out of your lives forever but she sounds like she feeds off this type of drama and conflict.  Is this a contract breaker for you?

4) Do you feel the need to monitor his phones, social media etc? How do you feel about this?

5) Lastly, what needs to happen for you to get over this? It is a difficult balance between keeping a sense of perspective/proportionality and recognising just how hurt you are by this. On the lighter side, have you thought about giving him a little velvet bag and telling him he will need this to store his balls in if he ever speaks to her again or can you think of something you want that is really expensive and ride in on the wave of guilt by making him buy it for you.😆

Hurtful and disrespectful YES. Worth breaking the relationship for HOPE NOT.

Wishing you well 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lorryborry said:

.....it was a drugged/drunk kiss at a house party....

To each thier own. We're not talking about affairs here.

We're talking about deal breakers and yes, getting drunk, using drugs and getting sexually sloppy with other people at parties is a deal breaker.

Combine that with his continual droning on and on about this ex and his butt should have been booted out the door years ago.👢

[Cookiesandough]

Hey. Sorry to hear about this. It sounds like your boyfriend is an F boy. Being drunk and high is not an excuse for cheating .It’s actually just more evidence he is an F boy. Cut your losses and move on or don’t be surprised if he plays you again. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[butterflymandoa]

Thanks all. My friends have tried to convince me it's no big deal. But whilst it's not enough to throw away a relationship for, it's also hurt too much to try and continue. I'd already asked for a break from him last week. If we make our way back to each other, with him giving up alcohol and parties, then maybe it could work. But short of anything else, I'm not willing to try. If he makes his way to her during that time, then it was never meant to be and would have definitely happened again.

(Btw he actually wasn't obsessed, he never spoke about her in the time we were together. He just admitted after the cheating that he'd never had time to process his feelings back then and she hurt him bad).

Thanks again

[Pottering About]

You have great integrity which appears to be the antithesis of your boyfriend’s immaturity. 
 

Good luck to you on which ever course you take

[merrmeade]

On 2/7/2021 at 6:24 PM, Pottering About said:

You have great integrity which appears to be the antithesis of your boyfriend’s immaturity. 

And that is why you should find someone with your same basic moral fiber. I've lived with it and been on this forum long enough to know it's not a better-than-thou judgment. There are just people without boundaries and people with them. Trying to make it okay for two people with those differences will continue to be a struggle. And do you really just want 'good enough'? You're not pathetic and you can't pass judgment on what you ought to do. Forgiveness is not a decision. It's a by-product of a whole lot of other behavior that naturally ends up there.  Spend some time imagining what it would be like with someone who shared your sense of exclusivity.