I can't stop sabotaging my relationships, including friendship and family and I'm sick of ending up alone.

[ThePhoenix]

I'm a 28 yo female with dysthymia. I had a dysfunctional upbringing with two mentally ill parents. The reason this is relevant is because as a result I've always struggled with my mental health and have had depression since I was 17. I have issues with codependancy and controlling emotional regulation. I'm not blaming them. It's just that it's definitely something I still struggle with. 

I have noticed a pattern in my life. I meet someone, it can be either platonic or romantic. Because I don't have many friends as an introvert I become strongly emotionally invested in them and crave emotional closeness with them. But I also often feel that they don't love or care about me as much as I care about them. This leads me to sabotage the relationship by acting out if I think I sense signs of neglect or rejection. I will do things like start arguments or behave passive aggressively to "test" how much they care about me. If I feel insecure for any reason I do it. 

I have nobody left in my life. Last year I became permanently estranged from my father and its only made my behaviour worse. So when I met someone at the end of the year I inevitably screwed up and pushed him away too after a few months. 

I have been in therapy since I was 16. But every time I think I'm partway to fixed it turns out I'm as sick as ever. 

I'm sitting here alone and I have nobody left. No friends, I only had two and they abandoned me when I became suicidally depressed after losing my father. The guy I was seeing is sick of the sight of my face so that's over. My family are toxic and crazy.

I can't go on like this. I feel if it happens again I will give up on living altogether. Everything seems hopeless. 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ThePhoenix said:

 I became suicidally depressed 

I can't go on like this. I feel if it happens again I will give up on living altogether. 

Sorry this is happening. Call the suicide hotline to just talk. They can direct you to the appropriate healthcare.

You need to see a physician and get medical as well as Cognative Behavioral Therapy.

Clearly you need more mental health support than you are getting.

Do you work? Do you live alone? Do you have pets?

What kind of interests and hobbies and sports do you like,?

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry but dysthymia is way past the helping capacities of a message board.  Depression is an on-going lifelong chronic illness.  It never goes away.  We just learn better how to manage it.  You need to continue to work with medical professionals to get that under control.

I'm sorry that you feel estranged from your father.  You didn't elaborate as to why but as long as you are both alive that condition does not have to be permanent.  I am an optimist so IMO there is always hope.  (If he molested you or physically abused you, forget it & keep him out of your life, obviously)  My parents were both alcoholics so I get what it's like to come from a dysfunctional household.  My relationship with them got better when I learned about & began to empathize with their struggles; I saw them as doing the best they could with their own brokenness.  Also at some point, it's no longer your parents' fault that your life sucks.  With therapy you can find the tools & skills to rebuild. 

You are starved for love that you seek in too fast & too intensely.  You scare other people & that sends them running.  You will need to learn to restrain your own emotions.  You can't expect friends to overcome your suicidal tendencies.  If you mention it once & they call in the pros for help for you is about all most people can take.  You can't be an albatross around somebody else's neck.  It's not their job to save you or fix you.  You have to do that on your own with help from your therapist.  Yes, it's hard.  It feel overwhelming but it can be done. 

What outlets do you have that make you happy?  You need some hobbies & some self soothing rituals.  When I'm really blue I curl up with my dog, & read a good book, preferably in front of a warm fireplace; in the summer I go to the beach.  You need to find those happy places & activities for yourself.   Exercise helps too.  I get it.  When you are down, the last thing you want to do is go out but you have to push yourself.  Even taking a walk for 1/2 hour will elevate your mood.  Setting small goals & achieving them helps too.  In the beginning they can be really small:  today I'm going to get out of bed.  For me some days it's a win if I get out of the house (I have agoraphobia so that can be hard sometimes)

You claim to be an introvert but I think you are misusing the word.  It is not synonymous with shy.  An introvert is somebody who recharges their batteries by being alone.  An extrovert draws energy from others.  I think you are shy & don't have a lot of people  around you but as an extrovert you crave companionship so the absence of people makes you feel worse.  A true introvert would not seek comfort from others. 

Start small.  Love yourself.  Stay in therapy.  Learn to manage this disease.  There will be good days & bad ones.  You can do this. 

[ShyViolet]

If you've been in therapy for a long time and are not making progress, maybe it's time to change therapists.  Not all therapists are good.  You have to find the one that's really the right fit for you.  With depression this serious, medication might be needed.  Have you ever tried medication?  And I'm really not a pro-medication person, but I know that sometimes it's a necessary tool.

[LuckyM]

Maybe another therapist.  Does not look like yours is helping. You can learn to be alone but there's no quick answer for loneliness

[BaileyB]

I don’t have any advice to offer, I just wish I could give you a hug.

I’m so sorry that you feel so alone and you’ve had to deal with this at such a young age. Keep going with the counselling. Best wishes to you.

[World Peace Guy]

Normally, people sabotage their relationships, because of feelings of guilt. I can also be from low self esteem, not loving yourself. Basically, feeling you don't deserve to be happy. So maybe what you need to do, is find a way to make yourself deserve happiness. Maybe you can do things to help others. Help the needy, or something. For some people, this makes them feel good about themselves. Not for all though. I suggest you focus on what you can do to make yourself feel good about yourself. What you can do to make yourself feel deserving of happiness. Maybe that will help you.