GF is flirty when drunk

[Curiouslife]

Hi my girlfriend of 15 months or so has recently (in my mind) stepped over acceptable boundaries but when I confront her she says there nothing to it, she’s just social and doesn’t mean anything by it and swears she’s never cheated. Keen on your thoughts. 
 

our relationship is otherwise great, fun, communicative, loving. I have a child from a previous marriage, she has a child from a previous relationship. 
 

here’s the background that is giving me concerns:

- she told me she fell pregnant when out drunk one night and got totally wasted with work friends and then one of them followed her home and basically date rapped her. She kept the baby because she thought she was pregnant from her casual on/off lover at the time. She said this year before this happened was a terrible time in her life and she was looking for attention in all the wrong places. She said the guy from work was not at all of interest to her, that she never gave him any signs etc (not that any signs are acceptable to not have fully consensual sex). She also told me that during that year, she also slept with another guy from work who she developed a friendship with and he had a serious relationship. She also told me about other guys who had serious relationships and how they ended up knocking on her hotel door while away on trips (she turned them away).

my first major red flag:

the story about the father of her son seemed to have some strange things about it and I looked on her phone and found weeks of sexting back and forth with this guy before the night he took advantage of her. Including while he was at the hospital waiting for his wife to have their first baby. Them talking about how horny they were for each other, that she had shaved her legs for him and how the baby coking had ruined their hookup plans that night etc.

when I confronted her with this, she lashed out at me breaking her trust looking on her phone (fair enough) and opened up and said, yes they were sexting, she was so embarrassed about flirting with a married man etc.

the next red flag was two weeks ago, I went to a gig with her, my best friend and his wife (this was the first time she had met them) We all had an amazing night, we were really wasted but towards the end of the night I noticed she was constantly hanging off his arm, holding his bicep with two hands and saying things like “wow, even my two hands can’t make it around you muscle”, anytime he was standing alone without his wife, she would move over and chat while on the dance floor all together. She said they were just talking about me etc. then when we were all dancing she backed up into him, rubbing her butt up against his crouch while dancing, not in a funny have a laugh way but in an intimate way like she would with me. I pulled her away and in front of me, he tried to joke it off I think by putting his hands on her shoulders (or maybe he was flirting back). I grabbed his hands and joking said “no touching bro”, to which point she looked up and said, “you can touch me too”. 
 

I thought this was off, but didn’t want to say anything and thought maybe I’m just over reacting. But then I noticed my friends wife was down, when I asked her she said, I can’t believe he’s not been batting her away, she too had noticed my GF flirting.

when I confronted her about it that night, she said I was just being jealous and there was nothing in it, she said she felt safe to be more open given he was my best mate so didn’t think it would be an issue. 
 

SInce then I’ve tried to move on and forget it and trust there was nothing behind it.

 

Then in the weekend just gone, we had a similar night which was great, right up until the end when we were playing a bit of blackjack at a casino. After about 30mins she was just STARING at the dealer as he would deal cards etc. like literally her eyes were locked on his, again I was trying to ignore it and tell myself I was just being jealous but when he interrupted her and said “why are you staring at me miss, I can’t help you” I knew it wasn’t just me that thought it was inappropriate. I confront her about it and she basically had a meltdown, yelled and screamed, said I was a jealous psycho. (I’ve never ever been the jealous type by the way).

 

all this and the fact she seems to notice hot guys when we’re out grocery shopping, walking etc makes me think it’s only a matter of time. She tells me it’s not at all, she just has lots of guy friends and is super social. I feel like putting all the pieces together above that she is either not done “playing” of has an underlying issue that sees her looking for attention. 
I don’t want to leave her, I suggested relationship counselling. She said she’s open to it to work on our mutual and seperate issues. 
 

what do you guys and in particular girls think? Is she just having innocent fun? 
 

[smackie9]

Well it looks like you got yourself a charmer there. You and all these other guys are just enamored with her. She can't turn that off, it's her personality. And well it's very hard to put the reins on someone that is attractive and charming as she is. And yes when you got that going on you are going to enjoy the attention. Even if she stopped doing it, it's not going to stop guys from hitting her up all the time. This is what you get when you date someone like this. You have already talked to her about boundaries, she is in denial/not giving it up.

So you can dump her, put up with it for as long as you can, try to switch it on her and do what she does so she can see it....which I wouldn't bother, she will dump you anyways.

It is fun, innocent in the way she won't cheat, but the behavior is inappropriate for someone in a relaitonship..and those are not guy friends, they are orbitors...waiting for her to change her mind....which she won't but they are hoping. If she asked anyone of those "friends" to have sex with her, they most definitely would.

 

Edited February 7, 2021 by smackie9

[trident_2020]

I wouldn't put up with this crap from a woman but you've already decided you aren't going to leave her and she has no intentions of changing her behavior because a) she doesn't see anything wrong with it and b) she doesn't give a rat's ass about how you feel about it.

So I've got no answers for you other than reconsider staying with her.

For what it's worth, I don't think she's been very honest with you about her past.

 

[Watercolors]

54 minutes ago, Curiouslife said:

what do you guys and in particular girls think? Is she just having innocent fun? 

No, she's not having just innocent fun. You already know that and you've tried to ask her about it, but she constantly justifies her inappropriate behavior and you enable her to continue, b/c you don't set any boundaries with her. 

Have you ever asked yourself why you are attracted to women who are like your girlfriend? 

Do you have a caretaker type of personality, where you like to be the responsible one and take care of everyone else around you? 

 

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, Curiouslife said:

I confront her about it and she basically had a meltdown, yelled and screamed, said I was a jealous psycho.

Sorry this is happening. Does she have a drinking problem?

[Curiouslife]

19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Well it looks like you got yourself a charmer there. You and all these other guys are just enamored with her. She can't turn that off, it's her personality. And well it's very hard to put the reins on someone that is attractive and charming as she is. And yes when you got that going on you are going to enjoy the attention. Even if she stopped doing it, it's not going to stop guys from hitting her up all the time. This is what you get when you date someone like this. You have already talked to her about boundaries, she is in denial/not giving it up.

So you can dump her, put up with it for as long as you can, try to switch it on her and do what she does so she can see it....which I wouldn't bother, she will dump you anyways.

It is fun, innocent in the way she won't cheat, but the behavior is inappropriate for someone in a relaitonship..and those are not guy friends, they are orbitors...waiting for her to change her mind....which she won't but they are hoping. If she asked anyone of those "friends" to have sex with her, they most definitely would.

 

Yeah I agree on all this. The orbitors would absolutely jump, they have long term partners who are not ok with the contact/texting etc from my GF either. 
 

she’s said she want to do counselling on our combined and individual issues, I was wondering if she is starting to see she has an issue her that needs to be worked on BUT even if you acknowledge it, can you adjust out of this need for attention/flirting? 

[Curiouslife]

9 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

No, she's not having just innocent fun. You already know that and you've tried to ask her about it, but she constantly justifies her inappropriate behavior and you enable her to continue, b/c you don't set any boundaries with her. 

Have you ever asked yourself why you are attracted to women who are like your girlfriend? 

Do you have a caretaker type of personality, where you like to be the responsible one and take care of everyone else around you? 

 

I was in a relationship for the last 20 years before this, but yeah I think I do generally look to be the caretaker and that is the “role” I’ve been playing here too. I think the message is clear, get out before the inevitable happens. 

[Curiouslife]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Does she have a drinking problem?

Yes I’m so much as on the odd occasion say every 2-3 months when we have a big night, she gets intoxicated to a level where she can’t recall something. But otherwise it’s just the odd glass of wine over a meal. 

[Watercolors]

Just now, Curiouslife said:

I was in a relationship for the last 20 years before this, but yeah I think I do generally look to be the caretaker and that is the “role” I’ve been playing here too. I think the message is clear, get out before the inevitable happens. 

What was that relationship like? The same as this one, where you were constantly walking on eggshells, never have your own emotional needs met by her? Plus, this time, you have a child. Do you want your child to be raised by this woman? Her choices are not your responsibility. She's an adult. Let her make her own mistakes. Get out now, with your child, while you can. Seek out healthier women to date, who have their act together. 

[Curiouslife]

1 minute ago, Watercolors said:

What was that relationship like? The same as this one, where you were constantly walking on eggshells, never have your own emotional needs met by her? Plus, this time, you have a child. Do you want your child to be raised by this woman? Her choices are not your responsibility. She's an adult. Let her make her own mistakes. Get out now, with your child, while you can. Seek out healthier women to date, who have their act together. 

Well said. Yes I was walking around on eggshells, there was never any risk of flirting/cheating with my ex wife but I was regularly pandering to her needs over mind. Time to get my backbone back I think. Thank you. 

[Gaeta]

You mentioned being married 20 years so that makes you in your 40s? How old is your girlfriend?

[Cookiesandough]

I have friends like her and I low key feel so bad for the suckers who date them....

Fun friends but they are not girlfriend material

Edited February 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[smackie9]

11 minutes ago, Curiouslife said:

Yeah I agree on all this. The orbitors would absolutely jump, they have long term partners who are not ok with the contact/texting etc from my GF either. 
 

she’s said she want to do counseling on our combined and individual issues, I was wondering if she is starting to see she has an issue her that needs to be worked on BUT even if you acknowledge it, can you adjust out of this need for attention/flirting? 

It's all a matter of perspective. Counseling together may help her see things though others perspectives...it might be gradual, and it might be like a flick of a switch on having a aha moment. It's like removing the tunnel vision she has. It can work. Give it a try and see.

Edited February 7, 2021 by smackie9

[Watercolors]

7 minutes ago, Curiouslife said:

Well said. Yes I was walking around on eggshells, there was never any risk of flirting/cheating with my ex wife but I was regularly pandering to her needs over mind. Time to get my backbone back I think. Thank you. 

I'm sorry but I feel like you'd be wasting more of your valuable time trying counseling with her. She has shown you through her actions and her responses to your concern, that she doesn't respect or even like you that much. Why invest your heart in a woman who is emotionally unavailable to you? Who doesn't care about your needs b/c in her own mind, hers are more important. 

I think you deserve better. There are women out there who would be a great role model for your child, who would be emotionally available to you and not come with that chaos and baggage that your current girlfriend comes with. 

[d0nnivain]

I'm flirty when drunk.  

Your GF is something else altogether.  Let's just call her promiscuous to be polite but she makes very poor choices.  She will always act like this so my advice is to walk away, rather than to continue letting her make you out as a chump. 

[Curiouslife]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You mentioned being married 20 years so that makes you in your 40s? How old is your girlfriend?

She’s 36

[dramafreezone]

This is just the type of person she is.  It's either due to maturity, extreme insecurity or both.

Her flirting with other men has nothing to do with the guy.  She's doing it to poke at your insecurities.  The response she wants from you is to get jealous.  You gave her exactly what she wanted, so it's reinforcing the behavior.  It will continue.

Only thing you can do is leave her.  She is not someone that can be trusted.  She is the one that needs the counseling more than you do.  And sometimes women push a man's limits just to see if he has the cajones to leave her.  That is the only way to gain this woman's respect, because she certainly does not respect you right now, and it will only get worse.

What incentive does she have to change if you don't leave?  And do you want to always be looking over your shoulder, wondering about her?  Not worth it.

Edited February 7, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Gaeta]

When you think you need therapy after 15 months it's because the relationship isn't meant to be. Therapy is ok for people that have been together for years and then run into some difficult times and they have something good to go back to.  Your difficult time has started at the same time this relationship started, it's not a therapy case, it's a breakup case. 

Don't date people that get stupid drunk. At the moment she told you the story of her getting 'wasted' you should have dropped her and move to a better woman.  Let me guess she dresses provocative? You really see this going long term? Having to pull her off of men when she's 50 years old? If you live in a rather small city what you think she will have done with your reputation by then? 

 

[Uruktopi]

Short answer: Run!

Long one: Run fast!

A more reflexive thought about: Run, do it fast and as far away of her as you can.

[MihiranCG]

If she flexible when in normal, you have to done a thing..

Get a video, what happen when she drunk.

Show this when she is in normal !!

 

[snowboy91]

I think there's all the evidence you need that she enjoys flirting with others and getting that kind of attention, and probably would go there if she had the chance. Being friendly is one thing, but being overtly flirtatious is a whole other thing.

One of two things could be going on: she's checking out of your relationship and is keen to have fun with others, or she isn't going to be satisfied by a monogamous relationship and is keen to have fun with others, even if she is happy with your relationship.

Make of that what you will - I have doubts that she will stop this behaviour reliably, so you have to consider what that means for your level of contentment in your relationship.

[Marc878]

Long term pain and drama here.

[DKT3]

36 is far too old to be acting like a girl half her age.

Red flags are warning signs.  Her behavior is full of deal breakers.  

This will not get better. 

[ctdans]

What I find odd is that she has that text message about the sexting and all.  You have been with her 15 months and I am guessing she had the son some time before you met.  That is a very long time to never have deleted any text messages.

Like others have said she won't change and honestly, I would not want to be with someone who so easily has sex, unprotected, and especially with casual work mates.  Dating, having strong feelings, then the sex may come.  But she sounds like a very lose woman.  

Also, the lies or half truths or omissions would not let me trust her.  If you don't mind her being a flirt and in many ways disrespectful then stay.  Otherwise be friends or just get out of her life completely.

[HappilyMarried]

Hey @Curiouslifesorry for how your girlfriend is disrespecting you. In reading the thread I would have thought by your description of her behavior that should would have been in her early 20's but for you to say she is acting this way at 36 is hard to believe. There is no excuse for this type of behavior. I think you need to sit her down and establish some firm boundaries and guidelines of how she should conduct herself when she is a exclusive relationship with you to avoid any more public scenes like this one. Best of luck!