Does he seem not bothered or is it just me overthinking?

[FlorrieB]

I've been struggling with this for a while now and I think I just need some honest, non bias opinions. Although the more I re-read this post the more I think you'll all just probably think I'm kind of stupid. 

So my ex partner and I were together two years, we broke up two months after I gave birth to our baby. I won't get into why we broke up properly but I basically found him very selfish and disrespectful. I developed postnatal depression after baby was born so I honestly don't know if our break up was me overreacting or not, but that was nearly a year ago so I'm trying to focus on what's happening now. 

We didn't speak properly for about three months, only discussing our baby and nothing else. But then he started wanting to stay a little bit longer when he picked our baby up, which turned into him wanting to play fight, then kissing and we know what comes next. It happened for a few months were this would happen, then he would stop wanting to see me and stop talking to me then do it again, and we went back and forth for a bit. Around October, it became more consistent, he was texting me more and staying a bit longer when he picked baby up without kissing etc. I thought he wanted to get back together so I stopped holding back and he slept over twice, but it seemed to be me making the more serious moves. So he was initiating the sex during the day but I was initiating texts and sleeping over. When I stopped asking if he wanted to sleep over, it stopped and he didn't initiate anything. Then again at Christmas he wanted to kiss me again, even bought me a Christmas present and told me his parents knew we were talking more and they even bought me a Christmas present. So again, I thought he might want to start up.

About a month ago I told him I wanted to talk about things, so we could stop going back and forth and get on track. He said yes, he would be happy to talk. I wanted him to choose the time because he works full time whereas I'm still off work so I'm always free. Two weeks later nothing, so I told him we need to do it soon so we can get it sorted. He chose a day when he was picking baby up, but on the day he showed up later than usual so we didn't have time to talk. He hasn't mentioned anything since then, but he has wanted to kiss me etc. He texts me for about a week and then stops, sometimes he sends a kiss (x) in the text, but then after a while he'll stop. He doesn't make any effort to see me unless he has to pick baby up. I know we've been in and out of lockdowns but during lockdown he has still been going to friends houses and seeing them. Whenever I text him to try and talk about it he says he doesn't like to text about these things so we need to do it face to face, but there never seems to be a good time for him to do it face to face. 

We both have a child each from previous relationships and last year I told him that I don't want him around my child because she gets very attached easily and I'm worried it will make it hard for her to move on, but also when she talks about him a lot it makes it harder for me to move on too. He still brings his child over to play with mine though, when he picks baby up, and I felt bad for not letting his child in the house so I've let them play again but my child's started getting quite attached and talking about wanting to see them everyday again. I don't want to cause problems and say she can't see them, obviously they're not related but they do share a sibling in our mutual baby, but she's started to get very attached again and I'm worried she'll find it hard when it stops again. 

I feel like I'm overreacting, but I do still struggle with the Postnatal Depression and that's made me a lot more emotional and I overthink things more than I used to. It's also made me incredibly insecure. I do still love him and I have told him that I cannot have a casual relationship with him, so I assumed when he was still trying to kiss me that meant he wanted to sort things out. 

Honestly am I overthinking things, or does he just not seem bothered? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Are you living with parents/family? Do you have emotional and financial support?

Have you followed up with your doctor about the depression?

Make sure he is paying appropriate child support and that you have court ordered visitation and custody figured out.

Don't become FWB, keep it strictly co-parenting. If he wants no responsibility or commitment or being involved as a partner and parent, then stick to a strict visitation schedule and get child support going for your child.

[ShyViolet]

Nowhere in your post do you actually say that you have had a serious talk with him to ask him what he wants and whether he thinks you and him can save your relationship.  Why don't you try talking to him and finding out what his intentions are.  For the sake of your child, you need to find out whether he is willing and able to be a stable partner to you instead of this on again/off again casual thing that seems to be going on.

[FlorrieB]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Nowhere in your post do you actually say that you have had a serious talk with him to ask him what he wants and whether he thinks you and him can save your relationship.  Why don't you try talking to him and finding out what his intentions are.  For the sake of your child, you need to find out whether he is willing and able to be a stable partner to you instead of this on again/off again casual thing that seems to be going on.

In my post I mentioned that I had told him I wanted to talk about what was going on to get things sorted, and that I was letting him decide on an appropriate time as he works a lot more than I do and I don't know when he's free. Two weeks later he had said nothing so I pushed it and told him we need to talk about it asap. He chose a day he wasn't busy but on that day he came to pick baby up later than usual and we both knew that I had to be somewhere so didn't have time to talk, and he hasn't mentioned anything about it since. I've texted him but he says he doesn't like talking about things over text but he's always too busy for face to face conversations. 

I'm going to try again when I've figured out exactly what to say, but I'm thinking it doesn't bode well with how often he's put it off. 

I am getting help for my depression, I'm taking tablets from my doctor and I'm just waiting for some therapy to get going, but it's taking time. 

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you would like to get back together with him but he is just joining you and having sex when he feels like it.  I do not get the impression he wants anything more than that.  I think you might be hurt if you assume he is building towards a relationship again.

He probably likes the family life for a while, enjoys having the children play together, and enjoys having you to kiss and have sex with when he wants it. 

Sadly, it sounds like he is avoiding having that discussion that is so important to you.

I do not think you are overreacting.  I think you need to draw up some boundaries with him.  I would imagine you don't want to do this because you want him back, but letting him have things all his way will not bring him back, it will just give him freedom to play with you and anyone else he fancies.

I would suggest no kissing and sex with him.  No cuddles.  Cuddles are for your boyfriend or husband, not a casual visitor.  Keep a distance from him and make it just about the children playing.  If you think you cannot keep a distance from him, then maybe limit the playtimes together.

I can appreciate you want the children to be able to see each other and your concern about them getting attached is very real.  It sounds like you are asking 'is there any point letting them get more attached or am I wasting my time with him'?  Unless you change the rules, he will go on as he is, non-committal and leaving you with all the responsibilities.  If you want more from him, cut out the girlfriend/wife things and keep it to child access only.  He needs to know you are drawing a line or he won't respect you - he'll just think you'll hang around and be there for him however he behaves.  You need to teach him to respect you.  Only the guy who is special for you and has time for you and to talk about important things with you gets a relationship and intimate time with you.