SumGuy Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 4 hours ago, d0nnivain said: That could be oversharing. I hope to travel to Antarctica one day; last night I dreamed I flew around on a unicorn, or I always wanted to be a firefighter is not a deep conversation any more than what's for dinner. How people feel about current events; global warming; gold v bitcoin cryptocurrency; the provability of string theory; morality in general; the right to privacy etc. are all deep, substantive conversation topics. This. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 6 hours ago, Firstlady07 said: What does it mean when a man tells you he needs substance? I've been talking to this man for about two months and he tells me he wants me to open up more he needs substance. I guess it depends on the guy. Different people may mean different things by "substance." I have to be honest, though: I find his request annoying. If someone doesn't habitually talk about stuff in a way that I find attractive/interesting, I accept that that is who they are. And if that is a dealbreaker, I look for someone who has the quality I like. I don't tell the person I'm talking to that I need them to change on demand (like a performing monkey). 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 6 hours ago, FMW said: Maybe he hasn't inspired her to share anything "deeper". I agree with @Gaeta, I would be offended at the wording of his comment. Why is it up to the man to encourage you to communicate like an adult? Are you not capable of that automatically? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, CollinW said: Why is it up to the man to encourage you to communicate like an adult? Are you not capable of that automatically? Maybe he’s not worth getting deep with. That’s what I took FMV‘s comment to mean. Maybe she just thinks he’s a plate and he’s not very interesting either so she isn’t divulging too much of herself to him. Why would you bother to do that to someone that you’re not feeling it much with. Edited February 9, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 10 minutes ago, CollinW said: Why is it up to the man to encourage you to communicate like an adult? This isn't about male/female. It's about chemistry. If you have it you're both inspired to share and open up. They don't appear to have it, but instead of just moving on he chose to criticize her. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) On 2/8/2021 at 4:17 PM, FMW said: This isn't about male/female. It's about chemistry. If you have it you're both inspired to share and open up. They don't appear to have it, but instead of just moving on he chose to criticize her. You don't know the context of their conversation. She may have asked for his opinion regarding their interaction. Regardless he gave her direct communication on his issue and you're here infantilizing her by making him responsible for her communicating like an adult. [redacted] If it was a chemistry issue then they wouldn't be still talking after 2 months? How about doing something helpful like encouraging her to communicate, rather than telling her to keep seeking someone who may never appear who will possibly be okay with talking to a wall for a few months? Edited February 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Disrespectful Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) Lol lack of chemistry or high interest hasn’t stopped people from seeing each other for two months or way longer . You see examples of that all over the forum . I agree that maybe it isn’t the best thing but it is a possibility Edited February 9, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 50 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Maybe he’s not worth getting deep with. I'm not sure what this means. I guess my question is, why is your first instinct to invalidate his experience, opposed to simply taking the fact that we do know and helping the OP from that? Sure it possible, it's also possible that the OP isn't opening up and communicating as she should in an adult dating situation. No one should have to be implored to communicate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) 30 minutes ago, CollinW said: I'm not sure what this means. I guess my question is, why is your first instinct to invalidate his experience, opposed to simply taking the fact that we do know and helping the OP from that? Sure it possible, it's also possible that the OP isn't opening up and communicating as she should in an adult dating situation. No one should have to be implored to communicate. I don’t think it’s necessarily about immaturity or lack of communication skills. Do you get into gut -level communication with everyone that you date/ have a conversation with? I don’t. Some people I just date and do not connect with in that way. There’s no need to divulge in deep topics with the person either because I don’t feel like they are capable of it, feel it’s appropriate, or feel inclined to for whatever reason. sure it’s possible, I don’t think anyone was saying it was for certain. FMV literally said ‘maybe’.Everyone here is just taking guesses based on two sentences OP wrote. Edited February 9, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 I gave my opinion as an alternative view to the majority of the posts at the beginning that were telling her how to change. She can absolutely work on that if that's her choice. I just don't think that because Person A tells Person B they need to do xyz that it immediately means Person B is deficient and needs to do xyz to be ok. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. It's just my opinion, take it or leave it. I've got no skin in this game. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) On 2/8/2021 at 5:00 PM, CollinW said: You don't know the context of their conversation. She may have asked for his opinion regarding their interaction. Regardless he gave her direct communication on his issue and you're here infantilizing her by making him responsible for her communicating like an adult. [redacted] If it was a chemistry issue then they wouldn't be still talking after 2 months? How about doing something helpful like encouraging her to communicate, rather than telling her to keep seeking someone who may never appear who will possibly be okay with talking to a wall for a few months? Your first sentence sums it up pretty nicely. None of us (and that happens to include you) knows the context of the conversation. So we're all making guesses based on our experiences and our reading of the situation. Your theory that OP has deficient interpersonal skills is a theory. Just like somebody else's theory that "chemistry" is a factor. Maybe the truth is that the guy is a lousy listener who doesn't inspire opening up or "substance." And maybe OP hasn't yet figured out how to articulate her discomfort with that. We really don't know. [redacted] Edited February 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Quoted post and response 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, Acacia98 said: Your theory that OP has deficient interpersonal skills is a theory. Thats not a theory, that's the information that has been presented. The guy said OP hasn't opened up after 2 months and the OP doesn't understand what that means. 17 hours ago, Acacia98 said: Maybe the truth is that the guy is a lousy listener who doesn't inspire opening up or "substance." And maybe OP hasn't yet figured out how to articulate her discomfort with that. We really don't know. None of this has been presented in the thread. This is what you would call a theory, I prefer to call it projection. 17 hours ago, Acacia98 said: 17 hours ago, Acacia98 said: Edited February 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off topic Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) The OP says she is naturally slow to share and open up. This is not the guy's fault. For what it's worth, a few days ago my daughter ditched a guy she'd been exclusive with for exactly the same thing. She got tired of doing the talking and him not offering up much in the way of thoughts, whether they be hopes and dreams or discussion of topical events. He previously suspected that all was not well between them and she did disclose that she wanted him to offer up more conversation, but he said he's naturally quiet. So that was the end of that. It's absolutely OK to want a partner who adds value to conversations. Edited February 9, 2021 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) I am not sure now if "inspired" is even the right word, but I do believe when the energy/chemistry between two people is "right," (beyond just the physical) opening up is rather easy and effortless. Speaking from experience. I've been with men with whom communicating, sharing thoughts and feelings etc was extremely difficult. Not their fault, and I won't say they didn't "inspire" me because CollinW is right in that sense, it shouldn't be our jobs to inspire someone to want to do anything. I may have even been wrong in saying when a man doesn't want a RL, the woman isn't inspiring him to do so (in some cases). It just a takes a certain energy between them, wherein it all just flows. It's easy, at least imo and I am quite introverted, it takes quite a lot for me to open up about personal things, my family, my childhood, dreams, desires, etc. With some men it's been easy (not right away, but eventually). They never pushed it, and in that sense I think the OP's boyfriend made a huge judgment error in asking/demanding she be more open. I know of no one who is going to feel comfortable opening up after being told or asked to do so. Not gonna happen. I think they are a mismatch and the best thing for both would be to move on to others who meet their respective need for communication. basil, I dumped a man too, for same reason your daughter dumped her boyfriend. And he was a successful doctor, had many great qualities. But he was so cerebral, rarely communicated, was not at all expressive (except sexually) but that wasn't enough, I needed more. Some of my friends encouraged me to talk to him, but what could I say? I need you to be more open, expressive and communicative? No, he is who he is and I needed to either accept or walk, so I walked. Again, you can't make someone be someone they're not. You either accept or leave. If I were the OP, I would walk. Heck, if I were her boyfriend I would walk. No one's fault, they just aren't a match. Edited February 9, 2021 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 When she says she likes him, or he likes her a lot, it's based on what if they don't have the same style of communication? I'll answer, it's based on attraction, and attraction isn't enough to make a couple last. I have dropped men in the past for not being talkative, I did it fast like on 2nd date. I am sure he found himself a nice lady that liked him and they had the same interest. My brother left an amazing women after 5 years together because he needs highly intellectual conversations he has a master in philosophy & politics and she worked in tourism, she liked fashion & tabloids. Again I am sure she found a nice man that was compatible with her and they do their thing and none think the other is lacking substance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 On 2/8/2021 at 8:53 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said: .... sure it’s possible, I don’t think anyone was saying it was for certain. FMV literally said ‘maybe’.Everyone here is just taking guesses based on two sentences OP wrote. Indeed, LS posts are often kind of like a Rorschach test :) Maybe his statement shows he is a keeper, maybe it is just BS guys say that puts her on the spot (I guess a form of negging, request for ego stroking, he watches too much Bachelor?), or perhaps substance as a fine pedigree and old money, perhaps it is code for he is all about the bass. Personally, if wondering would just ask what does he mean by "substance" Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 You've only met a few times in two months? How many times exactly? With this thing going so slow and his comment to you, It does not sound like a match to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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