How long to wait for a response?

[WWYD]

I'm new to the OLD scene. Not had many relationships in my time, and when I have they've all been pretty long-term. I'm still figuring out the weird foibles of it all - ie the fake profiles, matching and then no response, getting no interest one day and a flood of messages the next etc...

A week ago I met up with someone. I wasn't expecting anything out of it, but we hit it off pretty well and seemed to have a lot in common. I messaged her after and said how much I'd fun I'd had, and it seemed to be a mutual feeling. So we left it at we'd meet again, and for her to let me know when she can.

Since then - nothing... I dropped in another message the day after asking how her day had been, which hasn't been read. The 'high' of being genuinely excited about someone I got on with so well has started to evaporate. Is this a normal thing with OLD? If it were the other way round, I'd either be trying to set up the next meeting - or at least saying "sorry, you're very nice but I'm not interested". I mean, even if there's no romantic intentions, I would've liked to have kept in contact with her anyway.

So do I start looking again, or what?  To me, it doesn't feel right to 'put myself out there' again when there's been no natural conclusion to this situation. I'm finding the way it's been left so open-ended confusing.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

You have sent her 2 messages after meeting in person & gotten no response.  Her silence is the response.  You have been ghosted.  She's not interested. 

If she pops back up & tells you she was in a car accident, got Covid or a family member died suddenly, you can carry on.  But she's probably never going to respond so stop worrying about it & waiting on her.  It's never gonna happen. 

Sorry.

Generally I'd give somebody 24-48 hours.  After 72 hours, it's a no-go.    

[smackie9]

yes it's normal.....get used to it. Oh and always have your dance card full....have many dates with women lined up. There will be cancellations, ghosting and other crap. Having a plan A B or C is the way. Never be so focus on one unless you are on date 3.

Edited February 8, 2021 by smackie9

[WWYD]

I guess common decency is a thing of the past then? I guess I'll wait for this pandemic to end and go back to 'normal' ways of meeting people! 😅

Smackie - Nah, I don't do 'dance cards'. Meeting one new person at a time is enough of a challenge for me! I'm thinking I'm not really cut out for this OLD lark.

[d0nnivain]

25 minutes ago, WWYD said:

I guess common decency is a thing of the past then?

Sadly yes.  

If you are going to wade into the OLD swamp you have to have more than one line in the water.  

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, WWYD said:

So we left it at we'd meet again, and for her to let me know when she can.

????   Why so passive?  If a man said that to me, I wouldn't bother either, ugh.

By doing that you are essentially asking her to pursue you, chase you.

I don't get it.  Next time, be more assertive and proactive and ask her out for a specific day. 

Trust me when a woman is interested, she will accept.  If she is busy, she will either change her plans or suggest another day.

But to ask that she contact you letting you know when she's free?  Not gonna fly with many women. Sorry.

[WWYD]

43 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

????   Why so passive?  If a man said that to me, I wouldn't bother either, ugh.

By doing that you are essentially asking her to pursue you, chase you.

I don't get it.  Next time, be more assertive and proactive and ask her out for a specific day. 

Trust me when a woman is interested, she will accept.  If she is busy, she will either change her plans or suggest another day.

But to ask that she contact you letting you know when she's free?  Not gonna fly with many women. Sorry.

Ok, thanks!  Being assertive has never been a strong point of mine...  I'll bear that in mind.

[dramafreezone]

5 hours ago, WWYD said:

I'm new to the OLD scene. Not had many relationships in my time, and when I have they've all been pretty long-term. I'm still figuring out the weird foibles of it all - ie the fake profiles, matching and then no response, getting no interest one day and a flood of messages the next etc...

A week ago I met up with someone. I wasn't expecting anything out of it, but we hit it off pretty well and seemed to have a lot in common. I messaged her after and said how much I'd fun I'd had, and it seemed to be a mutual feeling. So we left it at we'd meet again, and for her to let me know when she can.

Since then - nothing... I dropped in another message the day after asking how her day had been, which hasn't been read. The 'high' of being genuinely excited about someone I got on with so well has started to evaporate. Is this a normal thing with OLD? If it were the other way round, I'd either be trying to set up the next meeting - or at least saying "sorry, you're very nice but I'm not interested". I mean, even if there's no romantic intentions, I would've liked to have kept in contact with her anyway.

So do I start looking again, or what?  To me, it doesn't feel right to 'put myself out there' again when there's been no natural conclusion to this situation. I'm finding the way it's been left so open-ended confusing.

 

 

Why do you tell her to let you know when she wants to get back together?  It's up to you to set the next date.

You may have already ruined this, but just call her and set the next date.  If you get nothing or she non-commital, just leave it be, she's not interested.  I think you may have blown it though.

The other possibility is that you're just projecting how well things went, and she just wasn't feeling the vibe on the date.  In that case you've just been ghosted.  Just chalk this one up as a lesson and remember to set the next date next time.  You would've picked up on everything you need to know by her response, if she was looking forward to it or if she was wishy-washy.

OLD is cutthroat in general though.  I don't do it anymore.

Edited February 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[WWYD]

57 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Why do you tell her to let you know when she wants to get back together?  It's up to you to set the next date.

You may have already ruined this, but just call her and set the next date.  If you get nothing or she non-commital, just leave it be, she's not interested.  I think you may have blown it though.

The other possibility is that you're just projecting how well things went, and she just wasn't feeling the vibe on the date.  In that case you've just been ghosted.  Just chalk this one up as a lesson and remember to set the next date next time.  You would've picked up on everything you need to know by her response, if she was looking forward to it or if she was wishy-washy.

OLD is cutthroat in general though.  I don't do it anymore.

Already did

If I'm honest, the original post wasn't truly reflective of the timescale involved, so maybe there is still hope! As already alluded to, I'm not the most confident of chaps - so for me to think it went well... it really did. Perhaps moreso than I'd even acknowledge myself. I'm a realist, but I usually act on gut feeling, and most of the time it's pretty spot-on... which is why the lack of any response at all confused me so much.

Anyway, whatever happens - I'll learn from it....

 

 

[dramafreezone]

17 minutes ago, WWYD said:

Already did

If I'm honest, the original post wasn't truly reflective of the timescale involved, so maybe there is still hope! As already alluded to, I'm not the most confident of chaps - so for me to think it went well... it really did. Perhaps moreso than I'd even acknowledge myself. I'm a realist, but I usually act on gut feeling, and most of the time it's pretty spot-on... which is why the lack of any response at all confused me so much.

Anyway, whatever happens - I'll learn from it....

 

 

Got it.  Well I will presume that your instincts were correct and that she really did have a good time.  Your error was still telling her to get in contact with you.  While we are in a world of women empowerment and all that jazz, the reality is the dating world does not completely align with that.  The man is still expected to take charge with respects to setting date plans, so you have to do that.  Next time just say "I'd love to see you again, when you are you free to get together."  Memorize that.  I think that message is effective because it shows your interest and also presupposes that she's interested in you, which of course she should be because you're amazing, right? 

You have to start viewing yourself as a catch, and part of that is speaking like a catch speaks and thinking like they think.  Of course she wants to date me because all women I date want to see me again.  That's of course not the case but you have to kind of be a bit delusional.

Telling her to let her know if you can is the opposite of that.  It's conveying that your schedule is wide open.  And if your schedule is wide open, it's because no one else wants to date you.  And if no other woman wants to date you, why should I.  I don't think women think about this on a conscious level, I just think they lose interest, because enough of them have been out with truly confident men, and they know how those men behave.  Your behaviour has to align with theirs.

You think Ryan Gosling tells women to get back to him when they're free?  Hell no.  He has a tight schedule so you tell me NOW when you're free to get together, or else you may not be able to get together with me at all, just because other people want his time too.

Edited February 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[josedelamuerte]

7 hours ago, WWYD said:

I guess common decency is a thing of the past then? I guess I'll wait for this pandemic to end and go back to 'normal' ways of meeting people! 😅

Smackie - Nah, I don't do 'dance cards'. Meeting one new person at a time is enough of a challenge for me! I'm thinking I'm not really cut out for this OLD lark.

Yeah, real world ettiquette's got nothing on online-dating. I've had girls flake, ghost, and mostly just be non-responsive poor conversationalists. At first I adopted a when-in-rome attitude and started doing the same. Then I realized that's not my style. I'm also waiting for the bars to reopen.

[WWYD]

On further reflection, I'm struggling to get my head around this whole 'man is still expected to be the date organiser' thing... The idea that I've blown it because I didn't suggest a specific date, when I know she works 6 days of the week and her free time would be at a premium, is strange.  Though it makes perfect sense, given how many women have a desperate-sounding 'are there any genuine guys out there?' on their OLD profiles -  I mean, if you only respond to the ones that behave like typical men... what do you expect?!

[Miss Spider]

OLD is best suited for people who spend the absolute minimum on critical thought that it takes to survive. Others can be successful there, but it’s mostly a case of luck or thick skin and numbers.  People can be super  flaky and fickle there. It’s a human buffet that often falsely inflates a persons concept  of their dating market value or creates a paradox of choice  . This isn’t a person you have known awhile or ran in the same circle or something else. Literally a hopefully attractive stranger who is auditioning with you for a relationship or sex. I probably wouldn’t wait more than a day for a response this early on. Keep looking

Edited February 9, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[chillii]

1 hour ago, WWYD said:

On further reflection, I'm struggling to get my head around this whole 'man is still expected to be the date organiser' thing... The idea that I've blown it because I didn't suggest a specific date, when I know she works 6 days of the week and her free time would be at a premium, is strange.  Though it makes perfect sense, given how many women have a desperate-sounding 'are there any genuine guys out there?' on their OLD profiles -  I mean, if you only respond to the ones that behave like typical men... what do you expect?!

Ahhhh, that won't blow it relax,  if there's any real interest no way women walk that easily so maybe there just wasn't ,,,,,, or maybe she's just too busy right now,.... takes it slow orrr ,,,,,,who can know yet. Give it a wk or so , you might try her again or you still hear from her yet. Not sayin you will but so many people jump to conclusions and run way too fast these days and they're usually the one's still chasin their tail yrs later, what's a wk or two.

Edited February 9, 2021 by chillii

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, WWYD said:

On further reflection, I'm struggling to get my head around this whole 'man is still expected to be the date organiser' thing... The idea that I've blown it because I didn't suggest a specific date, when I know she works 6 days of the week and her free time would be at a premium, is strange.  Though it makes perfect sense, given how many women have a desperate-sounding 'are there any genuine guys out there?' on their OLD profiles -  I mean, if you only respond to the ones that behave like typical men... what do you expect?!

Well, the thing is if she really likes you, time won't be a barrier from you getting together.  You have to go for it, be firm and know what you want.  You think you're being considerate, she may see it as wishy washy, or not confident.

You have to carry yourself in a way that a normal guy that is experienced with women would act.  That guy would ask her when she's free, presupposing that she wants to see him, no matter how often she works.  He doesn't assume that she's going to be busy with work.  Because if she does really like you, it won't matter.  She's not going to drop her entire life for you, it may be a week from now, but she'll give you a time because she wants to see you.

Also consider that she's probably dating other men.  So maybe she really did like you and everything went as well as you thought it did, but someone else that she likes a little more who's been in the picture a bit longer has stepped up his game, and she wants to see that through. Or maybe an ex texted her and now she's dealing with those feelings. Like I said, she did have a life going on before you.  Doesn't change anything, ask her out one more time.  If still ghosts, then forget about her for now.  Don't delete her phone number or act angry though.  I've had women that I've dated call me back months afterward and we went out again.

I wish women took the initiative and asked men out, not once in a blue moon but regularly.  Hell it does happen, I've been asked out a few times, but for normal, non-celebrity guys we'll still have to take the lead.  It's just the way it is, you have to get over it.

Edited February 9, 2021 by dramafreezone

[winny]

So you had one date after which she is not responsive. Well yes this is extremely common. In fact I don’t even expect anything during first 3 dates. I don’t owe them anything. They don’t owe me anything. Also I am happy when people check out soon. Then I can look for the next option. I hate when people string me along. You didn’t do anything wrong. Just forget about this. 
 

PS - I have been ghosted after 5 months of dating with zero explanation. Happens. What to do. Closure is overrated anyways.

[peach302]

14 hours ago, WWYD said:

I'm new to the OLD scene. Not had many relationships in my time, and when I have they've all been pretty long-term. I'm still figuring out the weird foibles of it all - ie the fake profiles, matching and then no response, getting no interest one day and a flood of messages the next etc...

A week ago I met up with someone. I wasn't expecting anything out of it, but we hit it off pretty well and seemed to have a lot in common. I messaged her after and said how much I'd fun I'd had, and it seemed to be a mutual feeling. So we left it at we'd meet again, and for her to let me know when she can.

Since then - nothing... I dropped in another message the day after asking how her day had been, which hasn't been read. The 'high' of being genuinely excited about someone I got on with so well has started to evaporate. Is this a normal thing with OLD? If it were the other way round, I'd either be trying to set up the next meeting - or at least saying "sorry, you're very nice but I'm not interested". I mean, even if there's no romantic intentions, I would've liked to have kept in contact with her anyway.

So do I start looking again, or what?  To me, it doesn't feel right to 'put myself out there' again when there's been no natural conclusion to this situation. I'm finding the way it's been left so open-ended confusing.

 

 

Start looking again.

I block/unmatch people on OLD after a couple of days of silence. And this is before we've even met. 🤷‍♀️

Their loss and lifes too short. 

 

 

[smackie9]

9 hours ago, peach302 said:

Start looking again.

I block/unmatch people on OLD after a couple of days of silence. And this is before we've even met. 🤷‍♀️

Their loss and lifes too short. 

 

 

This^^^ this is what you do. No response?....NEXT!

[Gaeta]

On 2/8/2021 at 10:31 AM, WWYD said:

So do I start looking again, or what?  To me, it doesn't feel right to 'put myself out there' again when there's been no natural conclusion to this situation. I'm finding the way it's been left so open-ended confusing.

Yes you go back there and fish another one. 

You text this one twice and no response that's your answer. Sure you could have been more assertive but the thing is when a woman likes you she won't let that bother her and she'll be by her phone waiting for your next message. Those 2 times you text her could have been an invitation for a 2nd date but she did not have enough interest to start a conversation with you. 

Online is tough. You will be ghosted like this often. It's explainable, I did online for 3 years and never ghosted anyone. I  handled myself like I would in a face to face interaction. After 1-2-3 dates when I told the guy I did not wish to pursue further I had all types of reactions from arguing with me that my reasons were not valid to them being mean to me. It's tough but I'm a tough cookie so I did it but easy to understand a lot of women not wanting to deal with that type of reactions so they just ghost. 

Edited February 9, 2021 by Gaeta

[dramafreezone]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Yes you go back there and fish another one. 

You text this one twice and no response that's your answer. Sure you could have been more assertive but the thing is when a woman likes you she won't let that bother her and she'll be by her phone waiting for your next message. Those 2 times you text her could have been an invitation for a 2nd date but she did not have enough interest to start a conversation with you. 

Online is tough. You will be ghosted like this often. It's explainable, I did online for 3 years and never ghosted anyone. I  handled myself like I would in a face to face interaction. After 1-2-3 dates when I told the guy I did not wish to pursue further I had all types of reactions from arguing with me that my reasons were not valid to them being mean to me. It's tough but I'm a tough cookie so I did it but easy to understand a lot of women not wanting to deal with that type of reactions so they just ghost. 

I kinda don't blame women for ghosting.  Most of them have dealt with psychos that flip out when they're rejected.

[peach302]

3 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I kinda don't blame women for ghosting.  Most of them have dealt with psychos that flip out when they're rejected.

I try to be polite as possible with the potential psychos 😂.

Recently rejected  a guy because he said he would run another guy over in a certain scenario. Too long to go into and can't here. I was like ok nice knowing ya 😂😂. 

Edited February 10, 2021 by peach302

[Miss Spider]

11 hours ago, peach302 said:

I try to be polite as possible with the potential psychos 😂.

Recently rejected  a guy because he said he would run another guy over in a certain scenario. Too long to go into and can't here. I was like ok nice knowing ya 😂😂. 

😂

Edited February 10, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes