Pottering About Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 So many posts on here say things like “I don’t know why I cheated” and “I will do anything to make this right” . Does anyone else on here read these things and think “what a load of old b*ll*cks”? Cheaters saying it to make themselves feel better, regretting getting caught, rather than what they did, and frightened of losing the safety/security that their old marriage offers? 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 Those are the ones who got caught. Consequences suck. However, a large majority do not get caught, and have few regrets, if any. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 In my experience, above is how I felt at first just after d-day. But as time went on and I realized the severity of my actions, I slowly started to think differently. I think there are two factors at play here. One: when in an affair a wayward spouse can be very self-centered and do a lot of justification of choices in order to make what they are doing okay. Once the affair is over or there's a d-day, it's hard to break that habit of justifying one's choices. Which leads me to number two: it's really hard to face the fact that oneself is the "bad guy." That oneself did things that hurt people. That oneself made the wrong choices. So many avoid those thoughts by saying things like "I don't know why I cheated" or doubling down on justifying things like "my husband did XYZ". All in an avoidance of taking responsibility for one's own actions. I don't think many people really take the time or make the effort to truly find out why they did what they did. Because it's not quick or easy or painless. So people grab the first excuse and try to move on. Personally I did what my H called "peeling the onion." Every time I came to a realization, my H said: "That's great. Now keep going." I peeled that dang onion until there was nothing left, and it was just what I needed, because I worked through not only my affair but all the actions in my life that led up to it. And even now, when I am in a much healthier place, I continue to work on myself because this is all a journey, not a destination. All to say, I agree: those statements can be BS. But it also can be the first step. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 3 hours ago, Pottering About said: So many posts on here say things like “I don’t know why I cheated” and “I will do anything to make this right” . Does anyone else on here read these things and think “what a load of old b*ll*cks”? Cheaters saying it to make themselves feel better, regretting getting caught, rather than what they did, and frightened of losing the safety/security that their old marriage offers? This may sound really weird, but after all this time, I think my husband feels worse abut it than I do. A big part of that is he's very disappointed in himself. his dad cheated on his mom when he was small, and he saw what that did to his family. He never wanted to be "that guy", yet, in the end, he was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 5 hours ago, Pottering About said: “I don’t know why I cheated” and “I will do anything to make this right” . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SMoore Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 Well, ‘I don’t know why I cheated’ is probably very often true. I mean, everyone knows the proximate cause, but that’s often not the actual reason. At least, I’m extrapolating from my own experience, so I might be wrong. But once the affair fog lifts, you do look back and wonder why/how etc. You’re also not the same person because this sort of thing can change you, so sometimes you’re looking back at yourself and seeing a kind of stranger. Then you have to do some sort of detective investigation on yourself to re-evaluate what you thought was going on at the time compared to what was really going on. Confusing and frustrating for everyone, especially I suspect the BS. Maybe that’s not everyone’s experience, but it’s mine. As for ‘I’d do anything to make it right’, I agree with you. It sounds like the dawning realisation of certain consequences. It also smacks of panic and an unrealistic grasp of the situation, a wish to make everything how it once was. Well, that’s the human tragedy right there - we’re not on this Earth to scurry back into the womb. No one can go back and undo the chaos of life. It needs to be accepted and assimilated into the present moment, however painful. So this kind of bargaining is futile but it comes from a real desire to escape consequences and remove pain from the self and others. So I suppose it is bollocks, but I imagine it’s instinctive bollocks. Genies can’t get shoved back inside the bottle once they’re out, but it’s natural to beg for the impossible when you’re in extremis. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pottering About Posted February 8, 2021 Author Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) Thank you for your replies. It has got me thinking if, instead of saying I will do anything to make this right, the betrayer said something like the old relationship is gone but, if you want to start a new relationship, this is what I can bring to the table. The thing I struggle understanding is that the betrayer seems to want to go back to the way things were which, from many comments on this site, is unattainable. By signalling a new start, the betrayer can still offer all things that are common on here such as full access to social media, cutting off friendships or whatever. However, they do this as part of setting new codes of conduct rather than doing it as some form of self flaggelation . It also offers the betrayed partner the opportunity to assuage any potential need for punishment or revenge by asking for somethings which may be considered punitive but this does give both parties choices in setting out new contracts. For example, people seem to do well when they divorce and start dating whereas reconciliation seems very hit or miss. Does this make sense? Does it make it more palatable for the person who has been cheated on? Edited February 8, 2021 by Pottering About Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) I don't think it's BS. People very often don't know why they do a thing without extensive unpacking of what's going on. And while "I'll do anything to make it better" may be worthless from someone who doesn't mean it, it's not worthless from someone who's determined to sort themselves and their behaviour out and make amends. Humans (even cheaters) don't all act and think in one same way. Edited February 8, 2021 by basil67 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SMoore Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 The approach you are suggesting sounds healthy. Although I suspect a great deal of introspection/therapy would be necessary before reaching that point. Ideally both partners would have to understand this thing inside out before moving on together, otherwise there will be unfinished business that would interfere further down the line. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pottering About Posted February 8, 2021 Author Share Posted February 8, 2021 basil67, agree that there is no one size fits all but what is the motivation behind someone’s determination to sort themselves out because, why didn’t they do that instead of cheating? The person who can answer that age old question is going to make a lot of money. Not sure about not knowing why. The vast majority of people know that cheating is wrong in the majority of cases so is the real answer because they wanted to? There may be reasons why they wanted to and some may be very valid but is it fair to say that many of the people who say I don’t know why are actually lying to themselves? It’s good to get different perspectives on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 In reality it is just selfishness pure and simple. Wanting that thrill, the secrets, that first meeting, coffee, the touch, that kiss 💋. Rather than gave the intestinal fortitude to talk to their spouse about their feelings or expressing their thoughts or what is lacking. They want their moments of what others went through in their youth. Just selfish me, me, me. Never the children or family. One day at a time. Buffer 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 I believe people cheat for one of three reasons: 1) they don't think that they will be caught 2) they believe they are in total control of the relationship, and will be able to handle or manipulate the BS to carry on in the marriage 3) they really don't gave a F#$k about the BS. I believe that exist affairs are a myth and its something WS come up with after they have already been involved in the affair. I dont know is code for i don't want to tell you because it will make me the bad guy. I believe that very few WS go out with the intention of cheating, they simply cross one boundary after another while convincing themselves this is ok, but it stops there. They can't then tell thier spouse, oh I only intended to get his attention, or I only wanted him to kiss me. It makes it look worse. So the go to is it just happened, I dont know why. They always know why and how they got there, for those who are remorseful it takes a while to own it, for those who aren't im not sure they ever get there. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) To lack the self awareness to cheat on someone and actually not know why does seem a bit nuts to me. Even if the why was because the other person was marginally attractive and they wouldn’t be caught, I feel like they should know. But I guess it is possible. And wanting to do anything to fix it is totally understandable. It’s just people being selfish and self preserving. Totally normal for people to do what’s in their own self interest. If they really want to do it and don’t have or don’t feel like they have sufficient guilt or fear of punishment for doing it, they probably will. I i’m not saying it has to be completely selfish. Our morals do take the feelings of others into consideration. They can totally feel bad about what they did even if they don’t get caught. Edited February 9, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 1 hour ago, DKT3 said: I believe that exist affairs are a myth and its something WS come up with after they have already been involved in the affair. I dont know is code for i don't want to tell you because it will make me the bad guy. My sister had an exit affair. She was psychologically beaten by her abusive husband but lacked the confidence to leave. She then met a new man who started to build her up and she was gone from her marriage in less than two months. I supported her every step of the way and covered for her when need be. They ended up marrying, nearly 20 years together now and she's the happiest I've ever seen her. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 12 minutes ago, basil67 said: My sister had an exit affair. She was psychologically beaten by her abusive husband but lacked the confidence to leave. She then met a new man who started to build her up and she was gone from her marriage in less than two months. I supported her every step of the way and covered for her when need be. They ended up marrying, nearly 20 years together now and she's the happiest I've ever seen her. Was it an exit affair where she said im going to start sleeping with this guy so I can leave my marriage OR did she get involved with this other man and as a result found the confidence to leave? I would bet money its the latter which means it wasn't an exit affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 @DKT3 I'd say it was a combination of the two. He did build her up and she really liked him, she hoped it would lead to more. But she also admitted that even if it didn't work out with the new guy, she knew an exit when she saw it and was going to ride that train right out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 5 hours ago, DKT3 said: Was it an exit affair where she said im going to start sleeping with this guy so I can leave my marriage OR did she get involved with this other man and as a result found the confidence to leave? I would bet money its the latter which means it wasn't an exit affair. How are those two things any different. Exit affairs are called so after the fact rather than being consciously sought for the purpose of leaving the marriage. What difference does it make anyway whether or not they're aware of their motive at the time?. People don't decide to have exit affairs. They're unhappy in their marriages but don't have the courage to back out of it. When they start cheating, also, they're not deciding to cheat; they're not "deciding" anything. They're moved by desire and act on it. They certainly don't expect to get caught. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
denwickdroylsden Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 I think it's as simple as, "I wanted to, I could, so I did." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) To some extent, what you might call "dopamine chasing" is part of the motivation for both. When they cheat it's essentially starting a new relationship. There's a "hormonal high" as there would be in a regular relationship. When there is a DDay or similar, there is a major dopamine drop, along with perhaps insecurities about being alone, whatever degree of emotional connection there still is with the BS, facing major change in your social situation in some cases, impact on kids, impact on finances, and all the other practical issues that come from separating. So there's a lot there in many cases pulling them back into the relationship. A BS might wish (or not) to disentangle "what you still feel for me" from all those other factors, but life is really never so simple. The fact that something "feels good" doesn't mean you don't have a choice to not do it. However, different people have different "moral philosphies" and even those with moral philosophies that go against cheating (which is most, at least on a superficial surface level) have different levels of self-control when push comes to shove and they find themselves with an offer of intimacy with a new partner on the table and/or having very strong feelings for a potential AP, etc.* One doesn't have to chase the BS post Dday either, and in a way IMO it shows a form of weakness - why are they suddenly so great now? But there are reasons for it - see above. Still caring for the BS is probably usually among those reasons, but of course whether the BS still cares for them is it's own matter. *Edit: Genuine limerence can also be a factor, as that is a true altered state of consciousness where closeness with the partner has a drug-like (and addictive) effect. So that comes into play in some cases as well. Edited February 9, 2021 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 How can anyone do anything to make it better. A cheater can’t undo the pain or betrayal. There is really not a damn thing they can do. The betrayed spouse is the one that has to do all the real work of healing and forgiveness if they stay with the cheater. So yes, the statement is bs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 On 2/8/2021 at 11:32 PM, Pottering About said: is it fair to say that many of the people who say I don’t know why are actually lying to themselves? I don't believe they are lying to themselves, they know exactly why they cheated, but they are lying to other people... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted February 10, 2021 Share Posted February 10, 2021 What I don't understand is how a WS can say "I cheated because I was unhappy in my marriage" will, when caught, desperatly try to cling to what they claim was so bad. I'd be the first person to say people cheat for all kinds of reasons, some prosaic, some not. In my experience, the spouses who stand the best chance of making a successful reconciliation are the ones who sort of strafe the original marriage and rebuild it, using everything they have experienced. Going back to the status quo doesn't make a lot of sense. After my spouse's affair ended, he left on deployment for about a year and I had a lot of time on my own to sort through everything. One person I talked to about it was my dad. His opinion was that if we were both willing to accept the our original marriage was dead and gone and that we had to go through the process of rebuilding it knowing what we know now, it could be a really strong relationship, better than before. he also made the good point that a marriage can and should grow and change over time. No matter how long you're with someone there's still something new to learn. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Soul-shards Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 On 2/8/2021 at 11:05 AM, Pottering About said: So many posts on here say things like “I don’t know why I cheated” and “I will do anything to make this right” . Does anyone else on here read these things and think “what a load of old b*ll*cks”? Cheaters saying it to make themselves feel better, regretting getting caught, rather than what they did, and frightened of losing the safety/security that their old marriage offers? So what do you want them to say? There are two options after an affair comes to light: 1) the two decide to stay 2) the two decide to leave. If #2, what the cheater says should not matter. If #1, the cheater will have to say something at some point. What do you want them to say? You want them to search deep down and state exactly WHY they cheated? This may or may not be beneficial for what follows in the relationship. Many cheaters are trully remorseful and will indeed do anything to make it right. If you don't believe them, why choose #1? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pottering About Posted February 23, 2021 Author Share Posted February 23, 2021 What would I want them to say? The truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 6 hours ago, Pottering About said: What would I want them to say? The truth. Not a WS, but I think you are missing the point. The thing is ...that even if they tell you the truth (or their truth, as they know it), you wouldn’t believe them and think it’s BS anyway. Isn’t that the premise of this thread? Once that trust is broken, no explanation would satisfy such a betrayal, even IF it is the truth. What more can they say when the truth would be readily dismissed as an excuse? What more do you want them to say? At that point, it’s really just a decision to be made, depending on the individuals. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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