“I don’t know why I cheated:” What a load of nonsense

[Soul-shards]

10 hours ago, Pottering About said:

What would I want them to say? The truth. 

Second spirited above. If they tell you the truth, you won't accept it and will continue to say "why do they say X?"

The reality is a BS struggles with terrible ego hurt and no amount of "truth" will do.

 

[Pottering About]

I don’t think I am missing the point at all. The fact that someone says they don’t know why they cheated is, in the majority of cases, a lie and an obvious one at that. The cheater is just adding insult to injury. This response would say to me, if I was in that position, that the cheater Is not willing to accept the reality of their actions nor take responsibility. The cheater may achieve a far greater degree of credibility if, for example, they admitted they found the other person extremely attractive and wanted to sleep with them or they were angry with the BS and wanted revenge or to hurt them. People are not stupid, they do know when they are being lied to and, to a certain degree, when they are being told the truth even if trust has gone. I can not accept any true logic that the cheater thinks they wouldn’t be believed so they may as well say anything. 
 

I am not so sure about the I will do anything to make this right.  First thoughts from me on hearing this expression is “I realise I have f*cked  up and need to get some of the financial and domestic security back as a second best”. All these protestations about “mistakes” “I realised just how much I loved my partner” etc do not wash for me as this was far from the mind of the person when cheating. 
 

Cynical, yes but also drawing on a lot of posts on this web site.
 

 

 

[mark clemson]

24 minutes ago, Pottering About said:

I am not so sure about the I will do anything to make this right.  First thoughts from me on hearing this expression is “I realise I have f*cked  up and need to get some of the financial and domestic security back as a second best”. All these protestations about “mistakes” “I realised just how much I loved my partner” etc do not wash for me as this was far from the mind of the person when cheating.

Cynical, yes but also drawing on a lot of posts on this web site.

The emotions of a breakup are complex.

Take a NORMAL (non-cheating) breakup. I think it's easy for people in a relationship to start to "take their partner for granted". They give less attention, less love, less intimacy, more time for football or girls' night out or what have you. Maybe be short tempered/disrespectful when in a bad mood, etc.

The partner eventually gets fed up and decides to leave.  All of a sudden, in many cases the person will flip back and cling to the partner they're now losing. "No, I'm sorry I treated you bad. You're soooo important to me. Give me a second chance." Etc, etc.  This isn't every single break up, but it certainly happens all the time - very frequent.

I think in some cases this is at least part of what happens with a WS after a Dday as well.

How one interprets that desire to keep the BS is of course up to the BS, just like how one would interpret asking for a second chance or what have you is up to the person leaving.

Although there are certainly differences, in a way it's not THAT different from other break up situations.

[Realist3]

On 2/8/2021 at 5:32 PM, Pottering About said:

basil67, agree that there is no one size fits all but what is the motivation behind someone’s determination to sort themselves out because, why didn’t they do that instead of cheating?

The person who can answer that age old question is going to make a lot of money.

Not sure about not knowing why. The vast majority of people know that cheating is wrong in the majority of cases so is the real answer because they wanted to? There may be reasons why they wanted to and some may be very valid but is it fair to say that many of the people who say I don’t know why are actually lying to themselves?

It’s good to get different perspectives on here.

The motivation to sort themselves out comes from facing difficult choices.  Entering an affair is a fairly easy option to assuage any myriad of real or perceived needs that aren't being met at home.  An affair is far easier than deconstructing a relationship hoping for change.  After awhile, most people understand the horse they originally got on, is the horse they're going to get.  Acceptance. 

Lying to themselves perhaps, or maybe revealing the why spells certain doom of the relationship, which they want to avoid.

[understand50]

I can name several times that this has been a topic.  The consensuses allays comes down to: Because they could,  they wanted too, and they did not think they would get caught. .  As a BS, you look for "Why" and most times I think, the "Why" is well.....     You can never get a good answer.  Like many things, it is a many layered reason. 

[sandylee1]

I agree with DTK. They don't think they'll get caught and saying they don't know why, is just another of many lies. It's because they wanted to, but such a response wouldn't fly, especially when in the same sentence they want to reconcile.

Consequences are something ppl don't think of at the time. I think if people did think through the hurt not only their spouse would go through...and it would happen a lot less.

Consequences stop us from doing lots of things in life...that we otherwise would. 

[colingrant]

They did it because they wanted to do it. Few have the courage to be so truthful knowing it exposes them in every which way. But at the bare bone, they wanted to. I once had an affair. I was introduced to her at a club. She was attractive to me in a sexual way. I had intentions from the absolute very beginning. I was a dick if there ever was one.

She was vulnerable and I took advantage. Simple as that. Happened over 25 years ago, well before marriage, but doesn't matter. I messed her up because she wanted more, whereas I just wanted sex. I thought she was like me (in it for sex only), but emotionally she was far into me and I didn't know  it because I was so engrossed in my own pleasure. I think she started out just wanting the sex, but her feelings got involved.

I learned after that women are a little different perhaps in this sex only part. So, that was the last time I used someone just for sex. I'd agree however TO BE USED after that though. Anyway, affairs just don't happen. It starts with some form of wanting emotional or physical connection. But the bottom line is they wanted it to happen. 

[Allupinnit]

It's very rarely about the BS and more about the character of the cheating spouse. 

We need to get over this false notion that we are not in control of our minds and our bodies and are at the mercy of our base desires.  Affairs are not the norm, and having one doesn't take courage nor does it make you more cerebral/passionate because you gave in to one.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Allupinnit

[pepperbird2]

One of the suckiest parts of being a BS is knowing your spouse chose to hurt you the way they did. It's so easy to blame yourself.

It took a while for me to realize I didn't make my husband cheat. He did that all on his own. I could have been the best wife on the planet, showering him with attention. I could have been the most beautiful woman, the best in bed and a perfect homemaker.
It wouldn't have mattered. That's because he did what he did for his own reasons. It was a choice he made. It was the end result of a series of decisions on his part.

One of the things a counsellor we saw suggested was for him to write down the reasons why he had decided to go outside our marriage. Some were really dark and related to his poor mental health, others were more prosaic. At the time, one thing he had said was I wasn't "fun" and was always preoccupied. Of course I was! I was raising three special needs kids, one of whom was in the hospital. The OW was single, had no real responsibilities so she could just take off at the drop of a hat. She was also younger than I was by at least five years and had the time to spend on her appearance. She wasn't exhausted so of course she was more "fun". It was an unfair comparison, yet he made it in his own mind, likely to try and justify what he was doing to himself.

[Starswillshine]

I need to reiterate what the previous posters have said. My xWH's affair/s had NOTHING to do with me.

It was because he could. It was because he traveled a lot and had the opportunity. His weakness has little to do what I am or was as a wife or person. Period. 

Like pepperbird, the best he could come up with was that she was a lot of fun. Because he could tell her about his trips and what REALLY went on while he was away from the house. Something he could not share with me for obvious reasons. His OW (the main one who I would say they had more of an affair relationship versus someone he meets, hooks up with and never speaks to again) was a bartender. If you had to compare us down the line... well, she wasn't attractive, she wasn't that intelligent. She was just wild. In our marriage, I was the more adventurous one in bed. However, when the affair came out, I found out he was doing things with her sexually that he wasn't doing with me. When asking him why, he said because he was afraid he would offend me or hurt me, etc. He didn't want to push the envelope with me because I was his wife, the mother of his children. SO treating me like a filthy wh*$% didn't sit well with him; however, he didn't have that level of respect for his OW. She was of no consequence to him how she felt or would take something. I was at home raising 4 children while he traveled everywhere. Often gone Mon-Thurs. While he was gone, out getting drunk and meeting strippers and hookers... I was holding down the fort and dealing with basically being a single mom (even the weekends, he was gone a lot to "blow off the stress of the week doing his normal sports). So when he would call me at 3-4am drunk, I would usually talk to him for a minute, and then get back to sleep. I didn't have the luxury of his OW who was a bartender who slept all day to spend all night talking to him and having phone sex. I had to wake up with the kids and get them to school. I wasn't the miserable wife the MM likes to portray. I wasn't out of shape or let myself go. I had a trainer that I worked with multiple times a week to keep in shape. I made sure to fix my hair and put on make up every single day. I dressed nice and always took good care of myself. It had zero to do with me... everything to do with his lack of character. Period. The end. 

[Starswillshine]

I should also add... I wasn't "b%tchy" enough. He actually really liked his OW attitude of being a total b. However, anytime I had that sort of attitude, he would snap. That was REALLY funny to figure out.... 

And I'm no push over by anymeans. But I'm also not a miserable person or a person who will freak out at every little thing. 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

 My xWH's affair/s had NOTHING to do with me.

 It had zero to do with me... everything to do with his lack of character. Period. The end. 

IMO blanket statements like this feel like an abdication of responsibility somewhat along the lines of when the WS attempts to put the blame all on the BS.

Of course you did not cause him to cheat or make those decisions for him.

But, that said, the above is a lot like saying, if he had chosen to divorce instead, you had NOTHING to do with that decision either. It doesn't add up.

You can't claim to be a bystander in your own marriage. You may not have been aware of the cheating, but it's not parallel to "idly standing on a street corner and getting struck by a car." You married this person and stayed married. If they are of bad character, you chose them anyhow. If they were of good character and changed over time, you failed to recognize the extent of those changes and take action. If there was nothing you could have done, then you failed to recognize the changes and either try to address them or leave.

I don't know your specific situation, but much more likely than the above (which is IMO a "best case scenario" for claims like this) is that you gradually drifted apart, lost the spark etc, and he became less content in the marriage. Maybe you thought everything was fine, and he never expressed it. Still the drifting apart happened. That sort of thing is not one partner's "fault".

A partner is ultimately an independent person. Obviously you didn't choose to cheat for them or give them permission. However, as a partner you must have had a great impact on his life in a wide variety of ways, both major and subtle, as he did on yours. "Who he is" after many years of marriage, has PLENTY to do with you, although it's perhaps fair to say that some of those effects were inadvertent.

Ultimately, there are two people in a marriage and you don't get to absolve yourself of all responsibility for how things turn out if it ends.

Edited March 2, 2021 by mark clemson

[Starswillshine]

12 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I don't know your specific situation, but much more likely than the above (which is IMO a "best case scenario" for claims like this) is that you gradually drifted apart, lost the spark etc, and he became less content in the marriage. Maybe you thought everything was fine, and he never expressed it. Still the drifting apart happened. That sort of thing is not one partner's "fault".

Mark, you couldn't be more wrong. I know you like to point to the BS as the cause. And definitely in cases, there are spouses that are difficult and many cases where people drifted apart.

I take absolutely ZERO responsibility in his cheating. ZERO. Ask him today, he will say the same, I was a great wife and we had a great marriage. He cheated because he had the opportunity to cheat.

The only part that you are correct about... is that I didn't know his real character. He hid that greatly from me. 

 

ALSO, I took action. I divorced him. But keep on keeping on about the WS being a victim. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by Starswillshine

[Lisa]

Thread has been temporarily closed for review

[6ix]

Folks, please have some respect for the author of the thread. They have not posted in many days and we have deleted over 130 off topic posts. That is a lot of time wasted for everyone. 

If the author of this thread would like us to reopen it, please flag this post.