Contemplating mariage after long term 6 year relationship

[Geotody]

Ten years ago I self sabotaged my life. I had every support from parents to attend and finish college for a white colar job. Instead I used that time to fool around and use college as an excuse to prolong entering the working life and leech off my parents. Remembering this now, I did myself and them a great disservice and I'm ashamed for doing so. 

I didnt do much of anything around the house back then and only did what was told and nothing else. Lots of things in life were handed to me on a silver platter. I knew all this but I was a moron for not wanting to change. Thought that I will turn my life around-tomorrow. 

I eventually got depressed and got in a bad gaming habit. Stayed in my room all day and all that jazz for several years. My parent were furious and their love and care for me turned into anger and resentment. My mother told me I behave like my uncle- single his whole life(not that it mattered), lousy jobs, smokes two packs a day, has done nothing of value his whole life etc. 

Then, 6 years ago I met a nice girl through a mutual  friend. At that time she was in a relationship with another man but, as it turned out, that relationship went its course soon after. We started to get out more and eventually we were together. We were both 24 back then. I've never spoken to someone so interesting. We talked for hours covering  tens upon tens upon tens of topics . We hugged, kissed had good sex. We were in love. The tipical honeymoon phase.

I had my troubles and bad decisions, described earlier, that followed me into the relationship. I felt like I would be a burden to her. She was finishing college and on the path for a great career. I was a dropout. A bartender in a backwater dive bar.
She loved me nevertheless and said that having a piece of paper will not make me a better boyfriend to her. I felt relieved.

Over the next few years of long distance phase (since her college campus was 8 hours away) we finally moved in together in our hometown. Slowly but surely my bad sides came to the surface. I had to me reminded about lots of stuff to be taken care of in the apartment. I behaved like I was living at my parents. She showed my how to cook, clean,pay the bills, walk her dog(which I dont fancy too much - I'm a cat person ) and be a responsible adult overal. All things I've could of learned if I only applied myself earlier in life and actually listened to my parents. 

I hated changing. I loathed it. I wanted things to be easy. To live as I please, but then, I heard the key going in the lock and there she was- my loving, sweet girlfriend, oh so tired from work. I hated that I had such thoughts. She only wanted to help me get my footing in life. She loves my to her core and I feel I love her too. 

We traveled everywhere. Had fun. Went to lots of concerts, cinemas, baby showers, booze and friends. Barbecue and great summer nights. She was enthralling and beautiful. With her help and support, I switched couple of jobs and now found a good, relaxing job with OK paycheck. 

Over the years I occasionally became passive agressive to her. I played mind games, white lies. I avoided confronting her about my mishaps. About why I forgot this and that around the house . I wanted to play video games after work and  loved the idea that we actually work opposite shifts. Everything i had to do i postponed to the absolute last moments before she arrived from work. 

I smoked cigarettes for ten years at that point and couldn't care less about my health because i felt "fine ". Ashtrays overflowing on the balcony. She gags. Pesters me to quit smoking. Finally I did quit smoking for 3 months and then started to smoke again in secrecy at work. She found a lighter. I lied about it and then she threatened to leave me because she doesn't tolerate a liar. I felt uneasy but continued to smoke when at work. I didnt have interest in sex. Our sex life was occasionally reduced to once in 4 months. I mastrubated in between. 

Be it as it may, we gone though lots of ups and downs. We could of broken up many times now, but we gave each other a chance when times got rough.

1.5 years ago she had the idea of marriage. She told me that I was the best person for her and she's done searching.I got scared. We went to a few venues and even almost bought an engagement ring, but corona came and everything grinded to a halt. From that moment she works from home all the time. I need to buy a pack of gums eveyday to mask my smoking habit. We argue over stupid stuff I did that she explained to me over 9000 times over 6 years and then we always make up afterwards because of her mercy. It's exhausting. She talks about kids. Her biological clock. My rise from a loser to a good man (oh boy if she only knew all the underlying stuff).

I wanted to buy a motorcycle for a couple of years now and travel the continent, grow a full beard and have waist long hair. I want kids also someday, but not now, as I feel that i wasted my 20s on stupid stuff and feel the need to catch up. I want her in my life also. I would like everything major what she wants with her.... just not now. I know if I tell her this she'll reluctantly leave me because she has her timetable and doesn't wanna fool around.

There's the whole sunk cost fallacy associated to our relationship. Since the appartement we live in now is from my girlfriend, I'll lose everything I invested into it if I leave. Money I could saved for other stuff. To top it all off, my mother pitched in with about 5000 euros because she thinks this is a done deal. If I leave she would be destroyed emotionally. 

I fear that I'm turning into my uncle. I could become a hermit smoker barricaded in his little apartment if I didnt have her in my life. I dont want that. I refuse to belive that i project my mother through my girlfriend. I dont want to be a selfish prick. I dont want to be a no lifer, but im steering into that life. 
This ia a decisive moment in our lives. I dont want to lose her for some stupid stuff... How to proceed?

TL;DR
Contemplating to stay or leave a six year long relationship that's either heading to marriage if i stay or hermit loner adventurer if I leave. Sunk cost fallacy is present in the form of years spent together and playing with an uncertain future based on my selfish and poor behaviour. 

Sorry for typos. I typed this on my cell phone.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You know how to proceed but you won't do it until you hit rock bottom. I hope it happens for you.  I really don't think you'll choose to change until you find yourself in misery and without anyone to support you. By that time it'll be too late with the gf. At some point she's going to have had enough and when that happens nothing you can say or do will change her mind.

[FMW]

You are nowhere near ready for marriage and most certainly not fatherhood.  Don't look to your girlfriend, or anyone else, to save your from being like your uncle.  That won't work, only you can make your life more productive and meaningful.  I don't know how you're going to find that motivation within yourself, but don't drag down anyone else in the meantime.  Your girlfriend's love and care will turn into anger and resentment just like your parents' did.    

[LivingWaterPlease]

When your girlfriend leaves you and won't come back (it's going to happen at some point though you'll have to see it to believe it) at some point you'll want to find someone else to replace her. But, options won't be plentiful at that time.

You write that you've lived a privileged life with both parents and now girlfriend.

Once your gf breaks up with you it's going to be obvious to other women that you're not able to provide the kind of life you're accustomed to.

Because of that you're most likely to have few options to date the type of women you're used to associating with and to settle down with one.  It'll be much harder to pull yourself up by the bootstraps at that point to make something of your life.

 You need to grab life by the tail now, while you still have love and financial support to do so.

 

Edited February 9, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[ShyViolet]

To get married now, when the relationship has already deteriorated and sounds like a bad, stale marriage, what sense would that make?  None whatsoever.  

You owe it to her to be honest and let her know that you don't want kids now.  That's something that she needs to know in order to make her own life decisions.  It's disrespectful to deceive her and waste her time.  Tell her that, and then let her make her decision.

[trident_2020]

The whole sunk costs thing doesn't apply to relationships because you can't keep throwing money at it to make it better.

 

[Crazelnut]

You need to let this poor woman go so she can find a true partner. She needs an adult, not a man-baby that she has to mother. Your "plan" to be a motorcycle bum conflicts with her desire to settle down with a mature, responsible partner. SHE should be breaking up with you.

Speaking of sunk costs, do you realize that you spent your 20s doing exactly what you wanted to do? So your "need" to go do the things you want to do, since you wasted your 20s is total BS. You DID get to do what you wanted to -- you sat on your butt, played games, smoked, etc. You don't get to say NOW you should get to do something else that you want to do. Especially at her expense. It's time to grow up.

[BaileyB]

On 2/8/2021 at 10:58 PM, Geotody said:

There's the whole sunk cost fallacy associated to our relationship. Since the appartement we live in now is from my girlfriend, I'll lose everything I invested into it if I leave. Money I could saved for other stuff. To top it all off, my mother pitched in with about 5000 euros because she thinks this is a done deal. If I leave she would be destroyed emotionally. 

I fear that I'm turning into my uncle. I could become a hermit smoker barricaded in his little apartment if I didnt have her in my life.

Respectfully, these are not the right reasons to get married. 

On 2/8/2021 at 10:58 PM, Geotody said:

I wanted to buy a motorcycle for a couple of years now and travel the continent, grow a full beard and have waist long hair. I want kids also someday, but not now, as I feel that i wasted my 20s on stupid stuff and feel the need to catch up.

Yeah, and now you want to waste your 30s driving around the country on a motorcycle with your beard and your hair blowing in the wind. Good luck!

You are lying to this woman, about so many different things. You have spent six years of your life with this woman and you don’t know if you want to marry her and be together. To do this, knowing that she wants to be married and have children, is horribly unfair to her. You need to end this relationship so that she can find a partner who can be a good partner for her and give her the family that she says she wants to have. 

Edited February 12, 2021 by BaileyB