do I stay when he makes it so hard?

[peaches5]

I wanted to start from the beginning because this gets complicated and keeps me up at night.

I started dating him in summer 2019, everything was really well.

And then he told me he had an opportunity to go to Montana for 6 months to work and didn’t want to break up.

So we did long distance for those 6 months; it was awful. He would ignore me for days on end and get upset with me when I said I wanted to talk more .

It shocked everyone, even myself sometimes, when we were still together when he returned.

One night, I was on his phone to send myself a few pictures and I saw that he had been trying to hook up with girls in Montana while I had stayed loyal to our relationship.

It devastated me, but I didn’t want to leave; I just wanted to be with him and work on it and so we did.

We get to our one year anniversary and I really thought everything had changed and he was serious about me.

Well, again one night I fell asleep on the couch and I heard him leave through the front door, no warning, and it made me wake up so I go outside and see he’s on the phone by his car, which made me suspicious.

So he saw me and came back in saying it was his brother and he didn’t want to wake me with the phone call.

I had a horrible gut feeling and decided to stay awake until he fell asleep.

Once he does, I lean over and see on his phone a coworker of his messaged him saying “I feel like we aren’t as close as we used to be a while ago” and this made my stomach drop. I opened his phone and found out the phone call was actually with this girl and they had been messaging flirtatiously for weeks while he lived with me.

I was in such shock and so angry I didn’t read the text all the way through,and immediately went to wake him up. He said nothing and just stood up and started packing his things to leave.

I was furious, yelling "why?" and I’m sure I made some more angry comments and he told me to [go away].

He then cried to me saying he would never do anything to me again and that he just wanted to be with me.

Shocker, I agreed to another chance.

This time it was worse because it had been after our one year, we lived together, and had really had what I thought a good relationship.

Well, one morning I was getting ready for work when his phone goes off and it was the girl he told me he had blocked sent him a snapchat. I woke him up calmly and asked if there was anything he wanted to ask me. He said no, he just loved me.

And then I threw the phone in his face.

He of course started crying and I told him to pack his bags and get out.

He then decided to tell me he was going to go back to Montana for a second year for 6 months. 

All the while for the past month he had refused to touch me in any intimate way. He said he had made himself sick from the guilt of hiding the second Montana trip from me. I had told him if he ever went back I couldn’t be with him because of the way he acts long distance.

I returned from the worst work day of my life to him sitting on the porch, crying. I was distraught and we decided to stay in contact and be “no labels”, whatever that means.

He leaves again and I’m alone 3,000 miles away.

He surprised me for Christmas with plane tickets to see him for the week and it had been one of the best trips I had ever been on. He seemed so attentive and different and I felt confident he had changed.

He enrolled in college in our town together to be with me and planned on getting a place together. He had told me he was 100% sure about me and had no doubts. He said I was his girlfriend and there were no doubts. 

When I returned home I felt good about the relationship until I called telling him my family’s concern with us getting a place when he liked to pick up and move with days notice.

He then confirmed it’s possible he would leave again.

I really lost it.

It made me feel so infuriated because I’m still in college and I can’t pick up and move, and quite frankly I don’t want to move away just yet.

Then he started the ignoring me for days when he’s clearly active on his phone with social media. He makes no effort to call, text, snapchat - nothing. He claims his days off are days off from me as well.

I just feel so fed up at this point with the lack of a priority I am in his life, but he refuses to let me go even when I ask if he wants to be alone.

Well, the reason I’m really writing is because I’ve decided to dedicate more time into my social life and I’ve met a big friend group that likes to go out and distract me of him.

I met someone in the friend group who has paid attention to me and makes an effort to talk to me all day and night, and it’s just nice to have someone truly be interested in you and your daily life.

By this I mean my “boyfriend” will never ask me what I’m doing, anything I’m excited about he just tries to hang up the call as soon as possible, and it makes me feel alone.

Yes, I have expressed this to him and he tells me I’m in my head about how I feel.

Anyways, I went to an event with my new friend group and my interested guy was there. He made me feel so special the entire night.

I later became very intoxicated on substances and I’m unsure of what exactly happened in the night. I’m pretty positive the interested guy and I made out.

He asked me to come out with him this Thursday and has told me he wants me to come to specific events in the future with him.

I’m interested in exploring my relationship with him, but I’m still somewhat in a relationship with the first guy and I’m unsure what to do.

On the one hand my first guy has had so much history with me and used to know me better than anyone. He was there for me when no one else was, but he’s also hurt me in indescribable ways.

What really irritates me the most besides his lack of respect for our relationship is his lack of ambition. He’s told me before he would rather stay as a janitor for the rest of his life and be content while I become the provider of our future family. He never wants to be around my friends and expects me to hang out with his constantly.

It just bothers me, but I feel so much love for him, maybe more for the way he was before he ever left. He really can be sweet, in person, he makes me feel special.

Interested guy is just so different. He genuinely wants to know how I am and tells me he also wasn’t sure of that night but was happy about whatever happened.

When our friends put him on the spot asking what happened, he would tell them it isn’t there business. I know that might be a low bar standard, but I find it very gentleman like to not kiss and tell like many guys like to do.

I’m just conflicted at this moment. Do I stay with Montana guy despite everything and knowing he’s not coming home for 3.5 months (this communication issue will only get worse over time), or pursue the new guy and risk it not working out?

I’m scared to leave either because each one means something important to me now.

Please help give advice. I can take any kind of criticism, I just need someone to give me an idea of what to do about it all. 

 

Thanks, peaches5   ❤️

Edited February 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Proofreading

[Wiseman2]

End it with Montana guy. It's been nothing but headaches and heartaches and cheating and lying.

That is no way to live. Let go.

If you are dating others, that may be a better investment.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Hon, your "boyfriend" has never been into you the way you are into him. 

He disrespects you, has been cheating in some capacity since the beginning, and is generally not invested in you at all. 

You should have let him go ages ago. Don't ever compromise your dignity for a guy like that. Leave him in your past and work on your self-esteem. 

[d0nnivain]

Your BF is a serial cheater who has lied to & hurt you over & over again. He only expresses remorse when he gets caught.   It's OK if you have a soft spot in your heart for him because he was a 1st love but for heaven's sake how much longer are you going to let him make a fool of you?  

Move on to the new guy. You will be happier.  If you are not, drop him too.  It's college .  There are tons of people out there.  

Edited February 12, 2021 by d0nnivain

[xxcazaxx]

I think when someone cheats they don't love the person they are in a relationship with whether they are intoxicated or not. Personally I think you need some time out of a relationship to remind yourself about who you really are and what you want rather than just deciding to date the first person to show interest.

[Noproblem]

I stopped reading when I read the part of you discovering he wanted to hook up and deciding to stay and work on "Your relationship"

Why do you do that to yourself?

Why would you stay with a cheater and loser?

You need to answer these questions honestly:

If your younger sister and brother told you they have someone who treated them badly and cheated on them, wouldn't you tell them to call the relationship off?

so why don't you do that as well.

This is a common sense!

The common sense is to leave cheaters bad boyfriends/girlfriends behind, not giving them endless chances that they never fail to use  to crush your heart over and over and over again.

For the love of Valentine, and on behalf of Valentine, leave this guy behind and start new!

Edited February 15, 2021 by Noproblem