Friend is taking a course of action against her ex on social media?

[QuietRiot]

I have a good female friend of mine that's been acting rather odd lately. She started posting things about her ex-husband online. Although she's like 2 or 3 years divorced, it appears she's not over it.

Apparently, she's taken to her own personal social justice regarding her marriage regarding "If you were in a marriage to a narcissistic, gas lighter" or something to that effect....and is trying to gather around people who can relate to her own situation via her social media.

Her ex-in-laws saw this, and unfriended her and she even announced they had done so. 

She obviously think she's in the right by going the social justice route, but really, is this just making her look bad?

Edited February 9, 2021 by QuietRiot

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully the ex will sue her for libel. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Don't get involved in this.

[Atwood]

You have learned that her husband may have been subjecting her to narcissistic abuse and gaslighting, and you think that makes her look bad? Case and point. 

Edited February 9, 2021 by Atwood

[QuietRiot]

27 minutes ago, Atwood said:

You have learned that her husband may have been subjecting her to narcissistic abuse and gaslighting, and you think that makes her look bad? Case and point. 

Right but...why make it public on social media? That's what I'm talking about here.

[QuietRiot]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully the ex will sue her for libel. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Don't get involved in this.

Why should I do that?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, QuietRiot said:

Why should I do that?

Delete and block people like this from your social media. Why waste your time reading someone's personal rants, when it's this inappropriate?

[QuietRiot]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block people like this from your social media. Why waste your time reading someone's personal rants, when it's this inappropriate?

She's a good friend of mine, I'm not going to do that. At the most, I'll unfollow.

Edited February 9, 2021 by QuietRiot

[Fletch Lives]

When people divorce, often they only do so when they really grow to hate their spouse - and haters are gonna hate. I think this is what you are seeing.

[QuietRiot]

6 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

When people divorce, often they only do so when they really grow to hate their spouse - and haters are gonna hate. I think this is what you are seeing.

Right, I dated a woman several years ago that couldn't get over the fact her husband has found a new woman, married her, and has a kid by her....while she remains in a studio apartment, no child to call her out. She was obsessed with how much better he is doing than her.

[Atwood]

7 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Right but...why make it public on social media? That's what I'm talking about here.

If she is your friend, take the time to understand. Have you asked her how she's coping with everything? Have you watched videos or read anything online about the effects of abuse or gaslighting? There's a lot of really good resources that will help you understand. If you genuinely care, I'm sure it'll be no trouble to get reading/watching. 

We live in a society where many facets of abuse are so normalized (or the abuser's ability to disguise abuse/convince the victim it is their fault is particularly advanced) that it can take weeks, months, or even years after abuse has taken place before the recipient realises that it was abuse. Many survivors go through stages of grief upon realising what has been done to them. Especially if no justice has been done, social media is a way a lot of survivor's reach out for help and support from people with common experiences. How would you feel if someone abused you, put you through traumatising and painful experiences (which is illegal I might add) and they are able to walk away from it unscathed, telling everybody their own version of events? It can absolutely drive you to despair and desperation. 

We should all want a justice system that is effective enough so that victims of a crime don't feel the need to search for justice elsewhere. As a community, we should be coming together to try and understand the process that people go through when they have these experiences. I understand that someone "airing their dirty laundry", as it has often been called, is uncomfortable for us if we've grown up being taught that you just don't do that, so imagine how isolating and lonely she must be to care more about justice and connection than she does about being judged for just being honest. 

You seem like a questioning and inquisitive person, why do you think a survivor of abuse might find comfort or relief in posting about it on social media? 

[ShyViolet]

Yes, it's definitely making her look bad.  It's immature, petty and pathetic.  If she's not over it and having a hard time dealing with it, then she should talk with a close friend about it or go to therapy, not air her dirty laundry on social media.   Definitely just ignore this and don't get in the middle of it. Unfollow her.

[lana-banana]

If she's your friend, why don't you talk to her about it and see what she's trying to get out of this? Maybe she's trying to process the trauma of her experience and maybe she feels this way is working for her. I don't know why you're concerned about whether it makes her "look bad"; that's not a reason to do (or not do) anything. At any rate, as your friend you should be helping her.

[basil67]

When an acquaintance on my feed did much the same, I assumed she'd had an epiphany about his behaviour and was processing the idea.   I don't think it made her look bad, rather, it showed that she was troubled.

And who cares that the ex-inlaws unfriended her?  

Edited February 9, 2021 by basil67

[magnolia18]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block people like this from your social media. Why waste your time reading someone's personal rants, when it's this inappropriate?

Maybe because she is a close friend of hers and people don't usually go about blocking and deleting friends for no serious cause?

[Alpacalia]

It sounds like she's struggling so if you're a friend, why not offer her support?

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

I have a good female friend of mine that's been acting rather odd lately. She started posting things about her ex-husband online. Although she's like 2 or 3 years divorced, it appears she's not over it.

She obviously think she's in the right by going the social justice route, but really, is this just making her look bad?

If she mentions him by name, that’s slander, against the law and just wrong.  And yes, in that case, imo she would appear way worse to those reading than her ex-husband could ever be.

There are other ways of venting/expressing anger than trashing someone on social media, and if my friend were doing this, I would encourage them to find other less egregious ways of venting their frustrations than social media.

Like maybe therapy or a private support group?   Let her vent to her therapist all she wants, social media is not the place imo no matter how much she’s bothered, angry or hurt.

 

Edited February 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[Harry Korsnes]

This is harasment! You know that. People have to killed them bc of that. You should talk to her about that, it's staking and harasment and she can a problem with the law.

Pls do not support her on this...

[LucyLocket]

Perhaps offending her ex-in-laws was the whole point?  Some peeps on here are calling it libel, but here's a fact, if it's true, she can write whatever she likes about her ex and he has absolutely no recourse.  If he's an abuser she should have ditched the in-laws as soon as soon the marriage to their son ended, assuming there's no children so no reason to continue the in-law relationship. Though, if they raised a narcissist then I'd be keeping any grand-kids right away from them anyway.  You should talk to her and ask if she's OK, big chance that maintaining the relationship with ex in-laws has triggered this, they probably sing their sons praises and it's made her lash out. 

Edited February 10, 2021 by LucyLocket

[QuietRiot]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

If she mentions him by name, that’s slander, against the law and just wrong.  And yes, in that case, imo she would appear way worse to those reading than her ex-husband could ever be.

 

 

Well, she mentions him as "ex-husband", and as a result, has had his members of his family unfriend her as a result, so she's not off to a good start. I find it odd that she chose now to bring it to the surface. She's actually going down a downwards spiral, than an improvement. 

This is not healthy.

Edited February 10, 2021 by QuietRiot

[QuietRiot]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

If she mentions him by name, that’s slander, against the law and just wrong.  And yes, in that case, imo she would appear way worse to those reading than her ex-husband could ever be.

There are other ways of venting/expressing anger than trashing someone on social media, and if my friend were doing this, I would encourage them to find other less egregious ways of venting their frustrations than social media.

Like maybe therapy or a private support group?   Let her vent to her therapist all she wants, social media is not the place imo no matter how much she’s bothered, angry or hurt.

 

Exactly, however, she told me she's participating in a trauma support group and actually thinks that by hiding it, it makes is worse.

Oh, and there is children, 2 of them...they swap every week.

Edited February 10, 2021 by QuietRiot

[Alpacalia]

I don't know.

My family member is going through a divorce and she posts quotes and things like that and while I do not comment on it, I think it's just a way for her to help process her grief. 

People use Social Media as an outlet to express their thoughts and feelings, some are just more vocal.

It's really hard to say without knowing the context.

[QuietRiot]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

 

 

People use Social Media as an outlet to express their thoughts and feelings, some are just more vocal.

 

I actually think that's the #1 problem with social media.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, QuietRiot said:

I actually think that's the #1 problem with social media.

Well FB, at least, is pretty proactive in throwing people in "social media jail" for posting certain unsavory discourse.

Edited February 10, 2021 by Alpaca

[Atwood]

It's interesting that you call her your good friend, ignore any advice asking you to empathise with her and instead bask in the light of the posts telling you that you're right to think badly of her. 

20 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

I have a good female friend of mine [...] She obviously think she's in the right by going the social justice route, but really, is this just making her look bad?

Translation: "I think she looks bad, and I'm posting on a forum (which are forms of social media btw) about it to get my feelings about this validated".

You might be going about it in different ways, but you're seeking the same thing as your friend as far as I can see, so why can't you understand what she might be getting from it?

[QuietRiot]

2 hours ago, Atwood said:

It's interesting that you call her your good friend, ignore any advice asking you to empathise with her and instead bask in the light of the posts telling you that you're right to think badly of her. 

Translation: "I think she looks bad, and I'm posting on a forum (which are forms of social media btw) about it to get my feelings about this validated".

You might be going about it in different ways, but you're seeking the same thing as your friend as far as I can see, so why can't you understand what she might be getting from it?

I do support her.

I just don't support this course of action.  I had mentioned the same thing to her as I told her "I'm just saying this to you, as a friend, do you really think this is a good idea to be exposing your ex and alienating some people like this?"

Some people here even stated this is a libelous act...so...there you go.

A good friend actually will actually be open to criticism of their actions, otherwise I'd just be enabling them.

A while ago, a woman I knew from a board game night would constantly post drama about what her ex-fiance had done to her, even bringing her up on charges for stealing from her, and whatever. She actually was into me, romantically, and was even considering asking her out...however, her constant flaming of her ex turned me off and I told her that was one of the main reasons I didn't date her.  She understood, and this never caused a rift in our friendship.

Edited February 10, 2021 by QuietRiot