Ex of 5 years left for her trans work friend. I still love her, she seems conflicted.

[Malachi1324]

Me and my ex gf, (both 20, she's older by 2 months.) Broke up after 5 years. Got together sophomore year of hs. We were great friends and I got along with her family very well, went on every holiday with them, I helped her dad with her fam to fix their roof, mowed their lawn, helped build a new patio etc. I taught her some guitar and she was a fan of my fictional writing. We were very close. I've never told anyone as much about my life as her, and her parents were like parents i didn't have.

Well after high school we moved to my own apartment with my brother and his gf and their baby. They moved out and my younger brother moved in after some time, and my ex let her homeless work buddy live here, I was fine with it. Well lots of toxic friends came in and out of our lives there, and my job was very stressful and dangerous, (building car plants/power plants/factories machinery etc.) And I was bullied a lot by most of my drunken old peers, and of course I started drinking heavily, driving home drunk all the time, and the bullying and stress made me only cope with alcohol and video games. So I became emotionally distant, which caused her to lose attraction over time.

Meanwhile she had made a new transitioning (f to m) friend from work who she would doordash with because his ankle was messed up, so she would walk the food. Well they started doing it more and more, and she started spending the night because they were 'doordashing so long'  I don't think she got sexual with him, but it was more like emotional cheating, as I had become distant.

So come new years, some drama happened with my roommate, someone threatened to call the cops on him, but as the tenant I diffused the situation. Anyways, she told me she didn't want to spend new years here because she was nervous cops would be here, but I told her it was okay now. but she still refused. Said she wanted to go to her new friends house, she came by to drop something off, and I asked her to please stay here, but she said "I'm not staying here tonight." Drunk, scared, lonely, and stupid, I foolishly pushed her (only hard enough to make her take a step back, with one hand,) and I told her to "[redacted] go then," I.E. my stupid confused way of communicating that I could tell she was losing attraction for me because she was gaining attraction for her friend.

She stormed off said she needed space etc. But I of course messaged her until she turned off my notifications and stopped replying. I had time to think and wanted to apologize with a grand gesture, so I set up rose petals and candles all over the room, gifts and chocolate and all her stuffed animals etc. I put so much effort into it, and was so proud of it, that I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to propose. I told her dad just out of excitement, for some reason he told her. She arrived with boxes to break up with me, and grab some of her stuff. She said she liked the surprise, and then I proposed, she shook her head as she saw me reach for my pocket. got on my knees, and she said "I can't do this, i'm not happy." Mainly because of how closed off I had become. I cried at her feet like a damn peasant and just held her and we cried together, as I could tell she still cared, and this was hard for her. We talked and smoked a cigarettes together, she said maybe we could work this out in time. She held me close before she left, just looking into my eyes, and asked if I wanted a goodbye kiss, which was strange.

Well 2 days later I found out she moved to her trans friends house and they were dating and having sex the next couple days. I continued to give her space, writing letters in her diary she left behind, which got to her eventually when I brought more of her stuff over through a mutual friend. Mutual friend claims she re read the letters a lot, in front of her new bf. So I wrote and sent a couple more of course. Her work is a 5 minute walk from my house, so one day I made her favorite tea, got her favorite snack, and wrote a heart shaped origami letter, brought it to her work. Walked in right as she got off break, so the timing was perfect. She just stopped and stared, hand on her chest, fingertips touching. So I set the things down, said she looks good, she said I do too and smiled behind her slanted facemask. I put my hand on her shoulder and said "Well you should get back to work, I love you." As I started to turn I head her say she loves me too, and I walked home smiling in the rain.

Then I noticed her gmail and facebook was saved on my computer, so ofc I stalked her google search history and messages. Found out she had been looking up ways to get pregnant with an F-to-M, looking at houses for rent etc. Eventually she found out and got mad, texted me to stop, which I did, and apologized. Said she had to stop her bf from coming to fight me (who by the way is short, pudgy, and a big crybaby who gave up when moving a couch.) Told our mutual friend I should be afraid of her bf, but he's weak and i've done years of labor lol. Also she told our mutual friend that she never said she loved me back when I visited her, lying for some reason, but she's always around her bf so maybe that's why. 

Anyways, that's about it now. Obviously it seems like she is conflicted but puts on a facade that she is in love, her whole family is somewhat against it, and keep in touch with me. She won't talk to any friends or family much, always spending time with him instead. Her family thinks her bf is a "bad influence." To be fair he slept with his mom until 20, has multiple personalities, and is emotionally/financially unstable.. his grandma pays his bills, so they go on expensive dates all the time, and claim to be in love.. 

soo yeah. Sorry about the long read, thanks for getting this far. What do you think? Does she really love him? Is she conflicted? Does a friend of 5+ months count as a rebound? Is she just in love with the newness and ability to date and not worry about bills? I think shes afraid of being lonely, she has no car, rotten job etc.  Thanks!

PS. I unfriended her on facebook because seeing them on there was a little much, and I also secretly hope it will spark some loss in her and make her miss me.

 

 

Edited February 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

I'm sorry Malachil, I think she's moved on.  There have been just too many mistakes from your side and she knows she needs to end it.  I can't see any signs that she's conflicted.  Is the guy a rebound?  Honestly, it's irrelevant.  That said, she's only 20 and it's unlikely she'll stay with the new partner long term.  But chances are that she will move on from him too and experience dating many others before she settles down.   

You did the right thing by unfriending her from FB.  Next thing is to cease contact with her parents because the longer you stay in contact with them (and I assume sharing information and thoughts) the more she will resent you...and it will stop you from moving on.

What you can do now is start sorting out your life.  Learn from the mistakes you made here and make a good future for yourself. 

[maggiemtn]

This is incredibly toxic. You physically assaulted her, then apologized by proposing.... I’m speechless. Your entire post comes off like a stalker. I’m sorry to come off harsh but you need some serious help. You’re young and hopefully you can learn to not physically hurt, bombard with messages, stalk, invade the privacy of loved ones. You can’t control another’s behavior but you can control your reaction to it. Step back, realize how toxic your relationship is with this person, and leave her alone for both your sakes.