I don't know why I still miss him.

[monmon13]

We’ve been dating for 6 months. We’ve decided to move I together and, on the day, when he supposed to move in, he broke up with me in the morning over a text message. He said he want’s to be alone.

It completely broke my heart. I could sleep, I couldn’t eat. I was begging him to come back. He didn’t care and was extremely cold. After a month I gave up and deleted him everywhere. He came back the next day saying how much he regrets his decision. His dad died 4 months prior to this
so I blamed it on that and took him back. He moved in with me the very next week. He was really trying by helping with the housework etc but there was always something missing I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

Fast forward 7 months.. He was talking about moving to another town, buying a dog and a house together. We were saving money for it so we could move asap. He broke up with me 2 weeks before Christmas after I questioned why he doesn’t want to spend time with me or do anything with me. He replied that he is doing the bare minimum because he knows that he shouldn’t be in a relationship and he wants to be alone. When I’ve said that relationships take work, he replied that he can’t be bothered to work on a relationship. This is 3 months before the day we supposed to
move (!)

I’ve discovered the attachments styles after he broke up with me for the second time and now, I understand what was missing. INTIMACY.

After his dad died there was no emotions, no sadness. It kicked in 4 months later. His stepmother kicked him out and just left his stuff in the back garden. Again, no emotions, no sadness. He never talked about his previous relationships. He said once that he was seeing a girl for a year, but it never felt serious to him (!). He was up for one night stands with no connections. He didn’t feel empathy. I would have to ask, ‘feel sorry for me’. I ended up really depressed going through some problems with my job and my family. He said, there is always something with me, my job or my family and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship where everything is so negative – I had a month of troubles but nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a little bit of support.

He didn’t have contact with any of his family members (mother, brother, sister). He had zero family values und understanding that families sometimes upset each other. When he felt insecure, I would reassure him, but it never worked the other way round. He would refuse to reassure me or just say ‘ I don’t know what to say’. Sex was very mechanical (very porn like). There was no connection or intimacy. No bed talking. No foreplay (I’ve had foreplay twice in nearly 1,5 year together even when I’ve asked for it). He would message me during the day saying that he misses me and can’t wait to see me but then he would prefer to watch videos on youtube or play games than to spend time with me when I came back home.

He was addicted to video games and podcasts (anything really to distract himself from feeling). He would often check out physically and mentally from the relationship by playing video games (60+ hours a month. He had 5 consoles). Any request to spend time with me was treated as a personal attack. He would make comments like ‘I wouldn’t mind if you had your boobs done. Or ‘Ooo, sad boobie’ when I bent over. He would talk about the perfect bodies in video games ‘You know, the perfect body with slim waste and big boobs’. This all led me to some serious paranoia and insecurity. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I became jealous of the video games. He had his perfect girlfriends there and I was just, as he said ‘average’.

He would never initiate sex. Even when I’ve asked for it. If I didn’t initiate it, we just wouldn’t have sex at all. We went on a little romantic trip and he left me alone with a bottle of wine saying that he is tired just to go upstairs and play video games on a console that he brought with him (!). We would go places and do things but only if I’ve said so. He didn’t have the need to ask me out on a date or to do anything with me. I really started kicking off over the games but at the time I didn’t know why it made me so angry.

When I said I don’t want him to play games where he is having sex with someone (those games are very graphic) he said he is sacrificing for me by checking what is in a game before buying it. 90% of our arguments was because of video games. Now I know it wasn’t about the games but about how he made me feel about myself. I was never ever feeling secure when I was with him. After an argument he would give me the silent treatment, refuse to cuddle, and just go to look for a room to rent, then come back in the afternoon. I ended up apologising for feeling insecure (!).

He always had one foot out the door no matter what commitments we’ve discussed previously (and no matter if it was a month ago or an hour ago). His feelings would change from I love you so much to I’m moving out because I want to be alone in a matter of seconds. He would never put up a fight for me (or anything in his life really). I never felt like I’m on the first place.

This relationship left me extremely broken, with low self esteem and just confused. I became needy, jealous and obsessive. I still love him but I honestly wish I’ve never met him. Oh, and let’s not forget that 4 weeks after he broke up with me he went on Tinder (!) like I’ve never existed.

Edited February 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs.

[d0nnivain]

Change is scary & upsetting.  It sounds like your relationship was fairly one sided with you begging for affection & attention but him constantly pulling away & criticizing.  Still it was all you knew & being alone isn't always fun, initially.  

Try making a pros & cons list so hopefully you can see the truth:  you are better off without him.  

If you haven't done what I think of as the post-BU purge, start there. 

1.  Block him everywhere

2.  Bundle up all the stuff, the mementos, the photos, etc. & throw them out.  If you can't do that, stuff everything into a box.  Tape the box closed -- really go crazy so it's a real p.i.t.a. to open.  If you can take the box to your parents & stash it there, do so.  Otherwise it goes into the attic or the deepest closet you own in the most inaccessible place 

3.  Make some changes:  move the furniture; get new throw pillows; definitely get new sheets; change your hairstyle.  It's part of reinventing yourself without him. 

4.  Add movement / exercise into your life for the good endorphins. 

5.  Keep busy.  

In time thoughts of him will fade.  Hang in there.  

[Calendula]

Wow! You guys have split for good by now, right? I really hope you have. As much as you may feel love for this person, he sounds manipulative and downright toxic. It may take you a while to thoroughly sort through a lot of what happened and your emotions regarding most of it. It may also help if you do some more research on different kinds of emotional abuse because what he did to you sounds to me like a type of it.

There may have been specific things about him or being with him that you loved, enjoyed, and now miss, but it also sounds like there were lots of things that were harmful to you and painful for you to experience. You may miss more the idea of being with someone and sharing time with someone than you do him in particular.

D0nnivain's given you some good advice above and there is plenty more advice available throughout LS for bad breakup and bad relationship recovery tips. Take some time to grieve, to heal, to rediscover and reinvent yourself on your own, and BELIEVE that you WILL find a way to get past this. It is hard right now, but it won't always be so painful, especially if you let yourself work through it completely, NOW, rather than trying to suppress or avoid any of what you're currently dealing with. You can make it, but the only way out is through.