What would you do?

[KelliM1969]

Hi Everyone,

Me and my ex husband (or so I thought) have been separated for almost a year.  We did so because we married quickly and he wasn't ready for a teenager and the baggage of my baby daddy.  I also had a hard time dealing with his bi polar disorder.  We loved each other and that was never the issue. He completely cut off all contact with me back in October because of a falling out we had.  I have no way to get ahold of him other than email.  I email him occasionally and he never responds, he does read them though.  I told him once that if he didn't want to hear from me to please just tell me to eff off, he hasn't done that either.  Anyways, I just recently found out we are still married, I filed the papers back in August of 2020 and there was a technical error, some papers need resigned.  So naturally, I emailed him to tell him this, he read the email and didn't respond.  I also told him that we can not file and just stay married and see if we can work things out and if he disagreed with that and wants to sign the papers to call me.   Again, he read the email but didn't respond.  What do you think?  To me it seems like he doesn't want the divorce, but also isn't ready to talk to me either.  Would you wait it out, or say screw it and get someone to deliver the papers to him to sign?  I still love him, never stopped.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, KelliM1969 said:

separated for almost a year.   I just recently found out we are still married, I filed the papers back in August of 2020 and there was a technical error.

Allow your attorney to proceed with the paperwork. You do not need his approval to divorce. File the papers. He is not going to get better or stay on meds, etc. Do the right thing for yourself and your child.

[d0nnivain]

You have to take control of your own life.  Right now he's holding you hostage.  There are ways to divorce without him signing a thing. Talk to a lawyer.  

Staying married the way things are is sending a terrible message to your teenager.  

[KelliM1969]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You have to take control of your own life.  Right now he's holding you hostage.  There are ways to divorce without him signing a thing. Talk to a lawyer.  

Staying married the way things are is sending a terrible message to your teenager.  

My teenager is not his child.  He does not live with us.  He lives in his own place.  We did the divorce without a lawyer,  because we both agreed to it, now he is not responding to me.  I don't want to spend any more money on this.  I do believe he has to sign if it's mutual, that's why I need his signature.  I will have him served if I have to.  Thank you for your advice.

Edited February 12, 2021 by KelliM1969

[d0nnivain]

Yes, if he doesn't sign you do have to sue him for divorce.  It is cheaper if he signs & you file the agreement you made.  But he's not signing so you are stuck unless you take action. 

I know the teenager is not your Stbx's child.  That doesn't mean that person isn't looking at what you are doing & learning from it.  You are teaching the teen that it's OK when people take advantage of you.  Is that the message you want your child to learn?  

[Acacia98]

It sounds like an annoying situation to be in @OP. If I were you, I'd dig deeper into my pockets and get that divorce without his signature. I'd also stop sending him email messages. I'm not sure how you rationalize his silence to yourself. But I see it as power play. At the same time, I see you as someone who is volunteering to be held hostage (by persisting with the communication). It's not good for your emotional health. And the associated stress is likely to be visible to your child and to creep into other areas of life.

If you genuinely want to move on, you'll need to disengage completely.

[KelliM1969]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes, if he doesn't sign you do have to sue him for divorce.  It is cheaper if he signs & you file the agreement you made.  But he's not signing so you are stuck unless you take action. 

I know the teenager is not your Stbx's child.  That doesn't mean that person isn't looking at what you are doing & learning from it.  You are teaching the teen that it's OK when people take advantage of you.  Is that the message you want your child to learn?  

He did sign initially, but since there was a screw up with the paperwork, we have to re-sign and he is not making this easy.  So, I may have to engage a lawyer if it comes to that.  You are totally correct, I absolutely do not want my daughter to learn that what I am doing is the correct way.  She needs to know that her mom is not one to be taken advantage of.

[KelliM1969]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

It sounds like an annoying situation to be in @OP. If I were you, I'd dig deeper into my pockets and get that divorce without his signature. I'd also stop sending him email messages. I'm not sure how you rationalize his silence to yourself. But I see it as power play. At the same time, I see you as someone who is volunteering to be held hostage (by persisting with the communication). It's not good for your emotional health. And the associated stress is likely to be visible to your child and to creep into other areas of life.

If you genuinely want to move on, you'll need to disengage completely.

You have given me some good advice.  I rationalize his silence as he is accepting what I say to him.  But like you said, it could very well be a power play on his end.  I also can't continue on with it because IT IS not good for my emotional well being.  I have to handle this divorce and walk away completely from him.  It's not so much a stressor to me, it just makes me sad and I really can't let my teenager see that.