Depressed boyfriend left me, we loved each other very much and his sickness happened

[BaileyB]

On 2/13/2021 at 8:46 AM, Nats2631 said:

He was even talking with his parents to transfer into my medical uni, so we could live together. 

When i turn on that voice record to my friends, family they have tears in their eyes and say this is beautiful and that this is how love looks like.

Ellie, you are obviously an intelligent person. Does this seem like a good plan to you - to be making plans to live with and marry a man that you have ever met in person? Virtual relationships tend to create a false sense of intimacy because you can spend a lot of time together, getting to know each other and in this case dreaming of the future and professing words of love... But the real truth is, you don’t actually KNOW this person until you have met him and spent time with him - in person. 

I am older, but I’m not divorced and I’m not bitter - I’m just realistic. The 20 year old me would have thought this was wonderfully romantic. The 40 year old me says this is not healthy, you have created a beautiful fantasy here but this is so complicated for so many different reasons, it’s just not going to be a serious relationship for you. 

He sounds unstable - it’s not a good sign when a man tells you that he felt empty, and sad, and angry before he met you but now he feels happy. This is another form of self medication. You have taken this to be a sign of incredible connection, and great love, when really - this man is struggling through life and he found a temporary distraction in your relationship - but the realities of life and his mental health struggles intrude. 

I’m not saying that he didn’t have feelings for you. He probably did have feelings for you but it’s not that simple. This man has some very significant mental health issues that are affecting his ability to be in a relationship right now. Worst case scenario, it may actually affect his ability to attend school, work, and lead a productive and happy life.

Ask me how I know this? Because, I work with people who have struggles with mental health and I have someone in my life who struggles with significant mental health issues. This is the voice of experience, you would be wise to focus on your school work right now and let this go...

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.

[Ellie2233]

On 2/13/2021 at 10:46 AM, BaileyB said:

Ellie, you are obviously an intelligent person. Does this seem like a good plan to you - to be making plans to live with and marry a man that you have ever met in person? Virtual relationships tend to create a false sense of intimacy because you can spend a lot of time together, getting to know each other and in this case dreaming of the future and professing words of love... But the real truth is, you don’t actually KNOW this person until you have met him and spent time with him - in person. 

I am older, but I’m not divorced and I’m not bitter - I’m just realistic. The 20 year old me would have thought this was wonderfully romantic. The 40 year old me says this is not healthy, you have created a beautiful fantasy here but this is so complicated for so many different reasons, it’s just not going to be a serious relationship for you. 

He sounds unstable - it’s not a good sign when a man tells you that he felt empty, and sad, and angry before he met you but now he feels happy. This is another form of self medication. You have taken this to be a sign of incredible connection, and great love, when really - this man is struggling through life and he found a temporary distraction in your relationship - but the realities of life and his mental health struggles intrude. 

I’m not saying that he didn’t have feelings for you. He probably did have feelings for you but it’s not that simple. This man has some very significant mental health issues that are affecting his ability to be in a relationship right now. Worst case scenario, it may actually affect his ability to attend school, work, and lead a productive and happy life.

Ask me how I know this? Because, I work with people who have struggles with mental health and I have someone in my life who struggles with significant mental health issues. This is the voice of experience, you would be wise to focus on your school work right now and let this go...

Thank you for everything you said, you are wise and i know you are trying to help. Im really grateful. 

His previous relations with women seemed very weird to me. Like losing virginity at the age of 13 yo with 18 yo babysitter while his parents were sleeping... or he had romance with a married woman in her thirties when he was just 18... He said i was his first serious relationship bc he only had fun before and i know some of these girls engaged emotionally but he just wanted fun from them. Its all very complicated, i think he has some childhood trauma. He was always saying how his mum was so controlling and strict to him, and how she didnt love him when he wasnt sucessful, seems to me like she was putting lots of pressure on him and very emotionally distant. He also had anger towards his father for leaving them for 2 years while he was only 6 yo boy. He said he felt unloved. 

Fortunately i passed all my exams on good grades, and my mum was so worried bc it was during january when he constantly broke up and got back to me and then broke up again, but i managed. 
 

It was nice, everything with him was nice, but as you said it was a bubble and self therapy for him. He even said that, he thought our love would save him, we first time fell in love in his life so thats why he planned marriage and many years together bc he was certain he will always feel like this by my side. But i dont think even greatest love can cure mental disease so... its not my fault. I was the most supportive and very forgiving during all of this.

Now, besides that im little hurt still, i know its his sickness and i got healthy distance towards everything.

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

His previous relations with women seemed very weird to me. Like losing virginity at the age of 13 yo with 18 yo babysitter while his parents were sleeping... or he had romance with 32 yo married woman when he was just 18... Its all very complicated, i think he has some childhood trauma. He was always saying how his mum was so controlling and strict to him, and how she didnt love him when he wasnt sucessful, seems to me like she was putting lots of pressure on him and very emotionally distant. He also had anger towards his father for leaving them for 2 years while he was only 6 yo boy. He said he felt unloved. 

Yeah, it sounds like he may have some long standing issues with his parents. He may be dealing with attachment issues and trauma.

As such...these are also not normal experiences for a young man to have in his formative years. They may have shaped his ability to form a healthy relationship and his expectations of romantic relationships. 

I also think based on what you have described that his struggles with mental health pre-date your relationship.

Trust me, when you do your psych rotation you will be thinking about this guy and his family - a lot! 

18 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

But i dont think even greatest love can cure mental disease so... its not my fault. I was the most supportive and very forgiving during all of this.

No, love cannot cure mental illness. And his struggles and the ending of this relationship are in no way a reflection of your worth as a person or relationship partner. 

Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries. There were no healthy boundaries here - in that you got really serious really quickly. Thankfully, he has now set a healthy boundary, but it is more related to the fact that his illness is causing him to withdraw at this time. Consider this a learning experience. Relationships develop in person. While the pandemic has made things infinitely more difficult and virtually everything (pun intended) has moved online, it is no substitute for getting to know someone and letting a relationship develop naturally - in person, And in the future, should you meet another man who has a history of trauma and/or is dealing with a serious mental illness, while you can support them you need to create for yourself a healthy boundary - particularly if the mental illness is untreated (which is actually more common than you may think). 

Good luck in your studies! 

Edited February 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[Ellie2233]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Yeah, it sounds like he may have some long standing issues with his parents. He may be dealing with attachment issues and trauma.

As such...these are also not normal experiences for a young man to have in his formative years. They may have shaped his ability to form a healthy relationship and his expectations of romantic relationships. 

I also think based on what you have described that his struggles with mental health pre-date your relationship.

Trust me, when you do your psych rotation you will be thinking about this guy and his family - a lot! 

No, love cannot cure mental illness. And his struggles and the ending of this relationship are in no way a reflection of your worth as a person or relationship partner. 

Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries. There were no healthy boundaries here - in that you got really serious really quickly. Thankfully, he has now set a healthy boundary, but it is more related to the fact that his illness is causing him to withdraw at this time. Consider this a learning experience. Relationships develop in person. While the pandemic has made things infinitely more difficult and virtually everything (pun intended) has moved online, it is no substitute for getting to know someone and letting a relationship develop naturally - in person, And in the future, should you meet another man who has a history of trauma and/or is dealing with a serious mental illness, while you can support them you need to create for yourself a healthy boundary - particularly if the mental illness is untreated (which is actually more common than you may think). 

Good luck in your studies! 

Actually i dont know about getting very serious very quickly 😂 its not always a bad thing, my parents married after 6 months of relationship and are married now for 23 years and very happy and in love. 

But his problems with past and mental illness are definetely not a good thing for starting a serious relationship. During his crisis he said he loves me and im amazing, but he is not making it into be in a relationship and that is very hurtful for him too. 
 

It was actually very interesting for me as he said i reacted weirdly to his past sexual experiences and he thought i accept him with everything as he does with me. He was remembering this all the time. But relationships are like this, i mean, its fighting, not being agreeable at everything but then forgiving. He couldnt forgive and forget... it was also weird. 

During our last break up, he said he felt obliged to be in relationship.. God, that hurt very much. He never said sth like this. But i told him relationship is committment, true relationship is a committment to one person. And then he explained he is not able to ever be in a serious relationship, and that once he will be back to normal he thinks he will have only no-emotions sex relationships ( on call when he wants ) bc it seems to be working better for him when there is no love. It was like opposite of someone i knew... 

Thanks!

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

my parents married after 6 months of relationship and are married now for 23 years and very happy and in love. 

It does happen. My parents got serious pretty quickly although they waited to marry (work circumstances). I think the big difference is these relationships developed in person. I would not move quickly with someone I met online - that is reason to be more cautious and take more time, as I would want to meet in person and grow the relationship in person. 
 

38 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

he thought i accept him with everything as he does with me.

Again, a red flag for someone who has experienced possible attachment issues with family and has mental illness. He hasn’t always felt accepted and he is working very hard to do as his parents expect from him... He didn’t like your “judgment” and expected you to love him unconditionally but love is not unconditional. The only kind of love that is unconditional is that between a parent and child and even then, there are challenges and sometimes the need for healthy boundaries. In truth, he didn’t love you unconditionally either - he was disappointed that you didn’t accept him as he wanted and he didn’t know how to cope with this “conflict.”

Looking back, you have a different perspective. No? 

Edited February 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[Ellie2233]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It does happen. My parents got serious pretty quickly although they waited to marry (work circumstances). I think the big difference is these relationships developed in person. I would not move quickly with someone I met online - that is reason to be more cautious and take more time, as I would want to meet in person and grow the relationship in person. 
 

Again, a red flag for someone who has experienced possible attachment issues with family and has mental illness. He hasn’t always felt accepted and he is working very hard to do as his parents expect from him... He didn’t like your “judgment” and expected you to love him unconditionally but love is not unconditional. The only kind of love that is unconditional is that between a parent and child and even then, there are exceptions. In truth, he didn’t love you unconditionally either - he was disappointed that you didn’t accept him as he wanted and he didn’t know how to cope with this “conflict.”

Looking back, you have a different perspective. No? 

Yes. I have different perspective... 

He is a good person, of that im sure, but he is not healthy to be in a long term relationship, unfortunately. It had to fall apart at some point. Do you think he will ever be able to be in stable long lasting relationship with committment? 
 

You know what he also did... He told me of any girl that was talking to him, as if he felt guilty. He said he had to ask some woman from a bank for her number to call her on whatsapp bc he didnt have enough minutes. He was so guilty and afraid i will be mad. 
He also sent me screenshots often of conversations with his roomate or cousin, as to tell me he is really not lying, although i never asked for this. During his episode he said i was controlling and he didnt like that, but i was never controlling... its like he was controlling himself, i think bc of his mother he felt strong obligation to give me raport of his life...

I wish i would meet him and hug him one day, the strongest i can. 
During his breakdown he even texted my bestfriend from medschool which he never talked to. She was in shock. He said how is Nats doing, i just dont want her to be upset, i dont want to make her sad etc.

He kept saying how he can only give me more sadness and i dont deserve this. But when i sent him photo of myself standing, he didnt say i look nice or sth but he was exactly like this „who took the photo??”. I think he was jealous. And he kept saying he wont find ever someone like me. 
 

complicated stuff... i know

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Nats2631 said:

I think he was jealous.

I wonder if he is experiencing a little paranoia.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Nats2631 said:

He told me of any girl that was talking to him, as if he felt guilty. He said he had to ask some woman from a bank for her number to call her on whatsapp bc he didnt have enough minutes. He was so guilty and afraid i will be mad. 
He also sent me screenshots often of conversations with his roomate or cousin, as to tell me he is really not lying, although i never asked for this. During his episode he said i was controlling and he didnt like that, but i was never controlling... its like he was controlling himself, i think bc of his mother he felt strong obligation to give me raport of his life...

But when i sent him photo of myself standing, he didnt say i look nice or sth but he was exactly like this „who took the photo??”

Obviously, we can’t provide any kind of diagnosis but this behavior makes me wonder if he has been experiencing some paranoia. 

My partners ex-wife experiences paranoia. She used to be very jealous of the other women at his work. She thinks her mother is controlling her or that may partner is colluding with her mother to make her life more difficult. She thinks the school staff are talking about her and she refuses to go to her son’s school because of this. She does “investigations” - she sees a shoe on the street and thinks that her mother has left it there to signal to her that her someone is following her and it’s not safe. 

Not saying this is what he is doing. But there may be more going on than you are aware...

Edited February 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[Ellie2233]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Obviously, we can’t provide any kind of diagnosis but this behavior makes me wonder if he has been experiencing some paranoia. 

My partners ex-wife experiences paranoia. She used to be very jealous of the other women at his work. She thinks her mother is controlling her or that may partner is colluding with her mother to make her life more difficult. She thinks the school staff are talking about her and she refuses to go to her son’s school because of this. She does “investigations” - she sees a shoe on the street and thinks that her mother has left it there to signal to her that her someone is following her and it’s not safe. 

Not saying this is what he is doing. But there may be more going on than you are aware...

I dont know, his behaviour was really weird, its possible he may have little paranoia. I mean, the fact that we are completely over and i should find someone else and that this is our last conversation. Next week he texts me and says he needs time, but he wants us to be a thing again and that i shouldnt seek anyone other. He even texted my dad, i think he was feeling so guilty. And said he missed me like hell, but he was feeling like dead and he is still not healthy but he missed me so much he had to text me. Week after texting everyday, fantastic chemistry was there again (but ofc little distant since he still has major depression) he decided we will never be together and that he wasnt happy with me. He is basically denying himself all the time, i think his mind is making him huge tricks. 
 

But i think paranoia is possible, bc he is mentally ill and he smokes much weed, and i read it can cause paranoia and even make depression worse overall.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Nats2631 said:

You know what he also did... He told me of any girl that was talking to him, as if he felt guilty. He said he had to ask some woman from a bank for her number to call her on whatsapp bc he didnt have enough minutes. He was so guilty and afraid i will be mad. 

A bank employee?

[Ellie2233]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

A bank employee?

Yes, since they blocked his bank account.

[Wiseman2]

He won't obtain/keep a medical license if he keeps up the drug abuse. You by association are not doing yourself much good.

He broke up because his primary love/relationship is Drugs. You are just a pawn, a tool.. disposable as you've unfortunately seen . That's how drug users operate.

Edited February 13, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Ellie2233]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He won't obtain/keep a medical license if he keeps up the drug abuse. You by association are not doing yourself much good.

He broke up because his primary love/relationships is Drugs. You are just a pawn, a tool. That's how drug users operate.

He sweared on his life, he only uses these substances when he has a breakdown. He said when we were „together” he never used bc he didnt have to.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

Yes, since they blocked his bank account.

I don't understand this, as I don't believe bank employees are permitted to discuss account details on their personal numbers. 

Did she give it to him? 

[Ellie2233]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't understand this, as I don't believe bank employees are permitted to discuss account details on their personal numbers. 

Did she give it to him? 

Yes, they continued on whatsapp, he said only some security questions and they unblocked his bank account. He said he deleted her number after that and said im the only girl in his life and i will always be. (I know, cliche)

[Ellie2233]

1 minute ago, Nats2631 said:

Yes, they continued on whatsapp, he said only some security questions and they unblocked his bank account. He said he deleted her number after that and said im the only girl in his life and i will always be. (I know, cliche)

Btw he is very charming and very sympathetic. If you have seen him or heard his voice you would melt. He looks and sounds like nicest guy ever so maybe bank employee broke rules a little. I think its nothing so unusual

[basil67]

Ellie,  the bank employee story is fake.   No customer service person in their right mind would give their personal whatsapp contact to a random customer.   

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/13/2021 at 4:07 PM, basil67 said:

Ellie,  the bank employee story is fake.   No customer service person in their right mind would give their personal whatsapp contact to a random customer.   

Exactly.

He's lying to you, Ellie. This guy is out there picking up women and whispering sweet nothings in your ear at the same time. He's not the Prince Charming you think he is. 

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.

[Ellie2233]

On 2/13/2021 at 4:07 PM, basil67 said:

Ellie,  the bank employee story is fake.   No customer service person in their right mind would give their personal whatsapp contact to a random customer.   

I guess we will never know how it was... but im not crossing out any option.

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

I guess we will never know how it was... but im not crossing out any option.

Life rule:  If it doesn't make sense, it's probably not true.   The odds of someone asking a bank employee who they don't know for their whatsapp AND having the bank employee agree?   Nah.    Also, if the contact is on her whatsapp, there's no formal record of the conversation authorising her to act on his account.

He's BSing you.

[Ellie2233]

Just now, basil67 said:

Life rule:  If it doesn't make sense, it's probably not true.   The odds of someone asking a bank employee who they don't know for their whatsapp AND having the bank employee agree?   Nah.    Also, if the contact is on her whatsapp, there's no formal record of the conversation authorising her to act on his account.

He's BSing you.

He said he had to answer security questions like verbally and his minutes run out so he asked her for a number to call her whatsapp and do it. Maybe im weird and young but i dont see a point to cheater telling me of this and other stuff 😂

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

He said he had to answer security questions like verbally and his minutes run out so he asked her for a number to call her whatsapp and do it. Maybe im weird and young but i dont see a point to cheater telling me of this and other stuff 😂

He's not exactly a rational think though, is he?

He's quite obviously making up stories in case you happened to find out that he's chasing other women. Nats, you can do better. A lot better. This guy is a weasel and not being honest with you. 

 

Edited February 13, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

He sweared on his life, he only uses these substances when he has a breakdown. He said when we were „together” he never used bc he didnt have to.

More accurately he only has a breakdowns when he's abusing drugs. All drug users lie. All their enablers think they don't. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

He said he had to answer security questions like verbally and his minutes run out so he asked her for a number to call her whatsapp and do it. Maybe im weird and young but i dont see a point to cheater telling me of this and other stuff 😂

I get that you're young and naive, but I'm not.  I've worked in banking and customer service and trust me when I say that his story is full of holes.   It didn't happen.

[Ellie2233]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I get that you're young and naive, but I'm not.  I've worked in banking and customer service and trust me when I say that his story is full of holes.   It didn't happen.

So why did he say that.. i never suspected him of anything. I was never jealous, im really a normal person, i was always good to him.