Depressed boyfriend left me, we loved each other very much and his sickness happened

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

So why did he say that.. i never suspected him of anything. I was never jealous, im really a normal person, i was always good to him.

Because he seems unstable enough to enjoy trying to provoke some jealousy in whatever woman is currently in love with him.

He might also have worried she'd pop up somewhere and you'd find out that you're not the only woman he's talking to. My guess is that, yes, he's got problems with drugs and mental health, but also that he's met someone else and cut you off. 

You sound like a lovely person and book-smart, but unfortunately, also quite gullible with matters of the heart. Guys like him will chew you up and spit you out. Let this be an important life lesson so you can make better relationship choices moving forward. Be wary of internet strangers who come on insanely strong; they usually disappear just as quickly. 

Edited February 13, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Ellie2233]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because he seems unstable enough to enjoy trying to provoke some jealousy in whatever woman is currently in love with him.

He might also have worried she'd pop up somewhere and you'd find out that you're not the only woman he's talking to. My guess is that, yes, he's got problems with drugs and mental health, but also that he's met someone else and cut you off. 

You sound like a lovely person and book-smart, but unfortunately, also quite gullible with matters of the heart. Guys like him will chew you up and spit you out. Let this be an important life lesson so you can make better relationship choices moving forward. Be wary of internet strangers who come on insanely strong; they usually disappear just as quickly. 

If he was playing with girl from abroad, med student girl, smart with values (but to be clear i have looks and brains) for 6 months everyday, i admire his efforts. I wouldnt play that game for that long, especially our bond was only emotional, not physical... but.. yes. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/13/2021 at 4:53 PM, Nats2631 said:

If he was playing with girl from abroad, med student girl, smart with values (but to be clear i have looks and brains) for 6 months everyday, i admire his efforts. I wouldnt play that game for that long, especially our bond was only emotional, not physical... but.. yes. 

Yeah, that's exactly the point. You wouldn't do this, but that does not mean other people don't. 

He is not a great person and he appears to thrive off attention. Unstable people do unstable things, so you won't really be able understand why he behaves the way he does. The guy abuses prescription medication to "treat" his mental illness, for goodness sake. You're not dealing with a man that is well-balanced and has a mature approach to life. 

My point is that you can't apply your own standard of ethics and behaviour to someone who is clearly very different from you. I have a feeling that if you met him in real life, you'd be shocked at the person in front of you - and not in a good way. There are so many red flags all over this individual. 

But instead of analyzing him too much, I would take some time to reflect on why you allowed yourself to get so swept up in this online fantasy: are you lonely? Have trouble connecting with guys in real life? Bored from pandemic isolation? Genuine questions that are worth thinking about. 

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Nats,  the bank employee story is fake.   No customer service person in their right mind would give their personal whatsapp contact to a random customer.   

Totally.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Nats2631 said:

He said he had to answer security questions like verbally and his minutes run out so he asked her for a number to call her whatsapp and do it. Maybe im weird and young but i dont see a point to cheater telling me of this and other stuff 😂

We are using virtual platforms to work right now and we are not allowed to use WhatsApp for so many reasons... it’s not secure. A bank employee would never use it to conduct business. 

[BaileyB]

Quote

But instead of analyzing him too much, I would take some time to reflect on why you allowed yourself to get so swept up in this online fantasy: are you lonely? Have trouble connecting with guys in real life? Bored from pandemic isolation? Genuine questions that are worth thinking about. 

I agree with this, absolutely. 

Edited February 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Either he is paranoid or he is communicating with other women. Why he would chose to tell you that, I have no idea...

Covering his trail.  Or just making up random stories.

Heck, I had a boyfriend many years ago who told me he was dying.  He wasn't.  Who knows why people lie?

Edited February 14, 2021 by basil67

[Ellie2233]

[redacted] the truth is there is no possibility for you to really know what happened between us. Even i dont know exactly and still i was in this relation for 6 months.  But i can tell you that he is not a bad person 100%. Of that im sure.

The reason why i had tinder is im extremely picky with men. I had some guys interested in me before but i wasnt interested in them. I was always focused on school... Getting into med school, i also play piano and draw quite professionally, so you see im an educated, focused on myself person. 
 

My best friend made that tinder for me just for fun. And i started university so i thought its time to meet someone, bc i already achieved what i wanted with myself.

I turned down lots of guys on that tinder app,( i was even on a „date” with extremely boring law student) but he... he was different. He didnt talk stupid talks just to hit on me, he was clearly interested in the person im. ( im sure the fact that im skinny and have long blond hair helped but he never made me feel like it was about looks) We started talking culture, travelling... We had very easy contact with each other. We could talk for hours how sun is yellow. He made me laugh like no one else before and i made him laugh too. He was texting me he missed notification from me.

Bc you see you all think it went extremely fast and how is it possible to some online stranger to say these kind of promises and future plans.  
But it was natural after 3-4 months when we were all days glued to our phones. We talked so much that we had the sense like we have known each other for 4-5 years. I didnt get „swept away” it went completely natural. 
 

I was very hesistant at the beginning, i put him on distance, was even somekind of mean to him (thats how im generally to men, especially from abroad) i was extra careful. But then the connection was undeniable so we were very easy with each other. I know i know you will now judge me how im stupid young adult without knowledge of love, but i wish anyone would have sth like me and he had in their lives. It was truly magical. How can i know? Bc i see relations between people, for example my sister and her boyfriend... they have been together for 3 years, and they completely have nothing in common and to talk about, just life. 
 

[redacted] It is possible to fall in love with someone you havent seen in real life. [redacted] Especially when you see them cooking on video calls, walking funnily (he walked like penguin), laughing, sleeping, climbing their bunk bed or eating... or their funny reactions to when you both watch a movie on netflix party and have a video call at the same time. We even had a video call, when we were both in bath one time haha.

He was (is) a very good, respectful, supporting, educated and smart guy who unfortunately has been experienced by mental illness which he was trying to cure by drug abuse. He is sick. I wish i could help him, but as you said im in no position to do that. I still have strong feelings for that guy and im positive i will remember him till the rest of my life. Because you cannot possibly forget that kind of strong connection. Im sure he will remember me too, for the rest of his life. Bc what we had worked as much strong from both sides.
 

I wish things could be different and we could be together but im not a God. Supposedly thats how it was planned to happen. 

[redacted] I know what i know. 

[redacted] I feel good with myself as i told the truth. 100% truth.

Edited February 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[elaine567]

I believe we have inbuilt senses that tell us when things are iffy and weird and there is something "not quite right" about a person when we meet them in real life.
Add on, the likelihood a person looking for long distance is probably hiding something, then it makes no sense to pursue new long distance relationships with people who are frankly strangers.
This guy sold you a dream from behind his computer screen which he probably may not have been able to do had you been interacting in real life.
A lesson learned.
 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

17 hours ago, Nats2631 said:

He sweared on his life, he only uses these substances when he has a breakdown. He said when we were „together” he never used bc he didnt have to.

I've been thinking the following reading through your thread:

Unfortunately he probably won't have a career in medicine considering his substance abuse issues. Substance abuse is a lifelong battle, whether a person is actively using or not. 

My sister got kicked out of her nursing program because she refused to get treatment for drinking. I heard she smelled of alcohol one day and she was reported. Apparently, those in medical instruction programs (people here with actual experience please feel free to weigh in) monitor candidates for substance abuse issues. Makes sense since they would have unlimited access to pills during their careers. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Apparently, those in medical instruction programs (people here with actual experience please feel free to weigh in) monitor candidates for substance abuse issues. Makes sense since they would have unlimited access to pills during their careers. 

Also because there is a duty to protect the public from harm. 

[Acacia98]

OP, a few things you mention in your posts stand out to me.

The major one is that he has been diagnosed with a mental illness and a treatment has been prescribed, but he chooses not to take that medication. Instead, he uses other drugs to "cure" himself. I have no idea why he doesn't use the prescribed medication. Maybe he doesn't like how it makes him feel; maybe it has terrible side effects... All I know is that is not the behavior of someone who is trying his best to keep his illness under control and live a stable life. At some level, it sounds like he's still in denial about his illness. It takes a lot of hard work to get from his current position to that of someone who accepts his vulnerabilities and is willing to get legitimate help for them. And the person has to be willing to put in that hard work.

The bit about his first sexual experience occurring when he was 13 with his 18-year-old babysitter: That basically translates into the sexual abuse of a minor. That was one of his traumatic childhood experiences. And his adverse childhood experiences as a whole are likely to be linked to his mental illness and drug abuse. This guy sounds like he's struggling and barely able to keep his head above water. He can't be what you dream of/want. He can't be there for you because he's unable to even look after himself. He needs the help of a trained professional.

The stuff he's told you to "explain" his interactions with other women and to express jealousy of you: from my own personal experience, that's how cheaters talk. They try to plant the excuse in your head ahead of time so that if you ever notice any unusual behavior, you will be the first person to dismiss your concerns. The jealousy over who took the picture sounds like projection. It sounds like he assumes you're cheating because he is cheating.

I think it's certainly possible that he loved you. But his way of loving you was neither healthy nor sustainable in the long-term.