I (dumper) can't process my own thoughts/feelings and make a plan of action.

[sophus]

I overthink everything. That issue has been the bane of my existence for a long time. The process of ending the relationship (I was the dumper) involved me overthinking to the extreme. The main premise of my thought process was "I'm not sure" whilst she was 100% emotionally available, loving, caring etc. I am 30M. She is 27F. I basically came to the conclusion that for as long as I am not sure I am simply wasting her time and that that would be cruel. We were together 16 months.

6 months prior to the breakup we had a breakup that lasted 3 days (before I went back). I wasn't 100% in the relationship but I couldn't put a finger on why. During our initial mini breakup I came to the conclusion that I wasn't being myself. I was working too hard trying to be a 'perfect boyfriend' and in the process it was exhausting me. I started going to therapy and promised to work on myself. After 10 weeks I stopped therapy as I felt I wasn't making progress. I didn't find a new, better therapist which in hindsight was a mistake.

I read up on attachment styles and came to the conclusion that I am certainly 'Fearful Avoidant'. I mentioned this in passing but didn't have the courage to more explicitly explain that I did truly love her but felt cornered by her emotional forwardness/intensity. She is very intense (arguably over the top) and methodical.

As such this is strictly the second breakup and we have been apart for 10 days at this point. In the latest breakup discussion, it came up that she felt like I was just pushing her away and didn't actually want it. On reflection, I should have asked her to read up on attachment styles 6 months ago so as to make a decision as if she was prepared to accomodate who I am. I'm 100% sure she would have but I guess I was scared. I'm creating a narrative about how had she actually known she would have supported me appropriately and we wouldn't be in this position now..

We got into a relationship because we share some main interests - running/fitness. The idea of someone who didn't think the amount of running I did was insane (and would want to join me on adventures) was incredible. In practice, at some point in the relationship.. for whatever reason.. I just didn't want to go on runs with her. Again, I can't put a finger on why and can only assume it was the cumulation of lots of small things that built up to an annoyance or resentment of some sort. By the end of the relationship we wern't communicating and I didn't want to see her. I basically came to the conclusion that if you don't want to see someone, you shouldn't be with them. Again, on reflection perhaps I was just overwhelmed, needed more space and hadn't communicated effectively.

Having had 1 post breakup therapy session it hit me that yes I was not communicating, but she also was not. She had me on a pedestal as an infallible boyfriend who couldn't do anything wrong. In practice, had she almost treated me like a child and called me out when I was 'acting out' things would have been different. I guess I wasn't held to account.

As with all breakups, at this point in time I am super mentally low, full of regrets, and feeling like I've ruined something incredible. We are currently NC but we still follow each other on social media. Small things like her watching my Instagram stories make me unreasonably happy.

I have started seeing a few therapists (to find a good match) so I can sincerely work on myself and my emotional availability. I feel like there are a lot of 'obvious' roots for me being the way that I am, and that if I can open up any relationship I have in the future will be improved.

I am a realist and appreciate that in practice at this point in time nothing has changed. Whatever those built up reasons (that I wanted to break up) were 2 weeks ago have not instantly changed. I'm just not really sure how to proceed. I regret my decision, and sincerely think I can work on myself (and that will fix things) but understand that will take time. I don't want to block her on everything as I feel this gives the indication that I broke up with her and don't care/am done with it. At the same time I don't know for certain that it will be a fix, and don't want (or expect) her to wait for me.

I do not have a large support network (again, reflecting, I think the way I relate to people has made me a jaded, miserable individual and as such I push friendships away), but the few people I have spoken to have just said 'block her and sort your s*** out'. I know that in practice this is the standard advice, and whilst i know everyone does.. I think that this/my situation is different.

I (dangerously) make the assumption that her friends/family are telling her similar.

Basically I don't know what to do. After the first break things obviously didn't get better. I certainly don't want to go crawling back pretending things have changed and will instantly be better. That said, I also don't want to block her on socials without her knowing that its not because i'm moving on.. in fact quite the opposite.

I love her, and think she's an amazing person. At first I thought it was all me, but on reflection there were lots of things she could have worked on (if she wanted to) had we communicated. All that said I'm very aware of the 'normal' breakup process and have no faith in my own thoughts/feelings and the reasoning behind them.

Thanks

[elaine567]

You did not suddenly decide, whilst watching Netflix one night, to dump her out of the blue the next day... and now you are wondering "What the hell happened?".
I.e. you made an impulsive, snap decision.
NO this was many months in the making, a break up, resentment/annoyance building, incompatibility issues and "things she needs to work on" as well as you didn't even want to see her...
STOP overthinking, you made the right decision.
Get on with the rest of your life and next time do not coast along when things aren't working for you.

[Wiseman2]

She wanted a commitment and you jumped ship. Happens all the time.

However don't expect her to forgive for that.

Best to move forward. Next time don't string anyone along.

[d0nnivain]

You are impatient & you think your thoughts are what controls even without knowing whether what you think is correct or not. 

Giving up on therapy after 10 weeks is irrational.  It takes YEARS of therapy to really understand yourself.  I'm glad you are looking for a new therapist.  Finding a good one with whom you share a rapport is important.  I have had some amazing ones & I have meet some real quacks. 

It does take 2 to tango.  You both have to communicate.  Her thinking you are infallible & you trying to fill that role is understandably exhausting.  You need to find somebody with whom you can be yourself.  

At this point you have broken up twice.  Let this be the end.  Disconnect on social media.  Until you do, you are not NC.   You don't need to see what each other is doing if you are apart.  Staying tethered will keep you from healing.  As you have already realized, her reading your IG hurts.  Stop giving her the ability to hurt you. 

You are 30.  Make this your decade!

[sophus]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You did not suddenly decide, whilst watching Netflix one night, to dump her out of the blue the next day... and now you are wondering "What the hell happened?".
I.e. you made an impulsive, snap decision.
NO this was many months in the making, a break up, resentment/annoyance building, incompatibility issues and "things she needs to work on" as well as you didn't even want to see her...
STOP overthinking, you made the right decision.
Get on with the rest of your life and next time do not coast along when things aren't working for you.

This is what a few close friends have said, and when the question is reversed (in relation to someone elses relationship for example) I'd say the same thing. I thus don't understoof therefore why I can hear what you are saying but not act on it.

I accidentally saw a photo of us 6 months ago and can't believe whats happened..

 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She wanted a commitment and you jumped ship. Happens all the time.

However don't expect her to forgive for that.

Best to move forward. Next time don't string anyone along.

I'm not sure exactly which point you are referring to but yes I probably needed to commit and for whatever reason (be it attachment styles, underlying issues etc) I didn't.

Others have said similar - move forward, but i guess its fear that she was great, there isn't anyone as great, and I should have just committed (or try and go back and commit).

 

44 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are impatient & you think your thoughts are what controls even without knowing whether what you think is correct or not. 

Giving up on therapy after 10 weeks is irrational.  It takes YEARS of therapy to really understand yourself.  I'm glad you are looking for a new therapist.  Finding a good one with whom you share a rapport is important.  I have had some amazing ones & I have meet some real quacks. 

It does take 2 to tango.  You both have to communicate.  Her thinking you are infallible & you trying to fill that role is understandably exhausting.  You need to find somebody with whom you can be yourself.  

At this point you have broken up twice.  Let this be the end.  Disconnect on social media.  Until you do, you are not NC.   You don't need to see what each other is doing if you are apart.  Staying tethered will keep you from healing.  As you have already realized, her reading your IG hurts.  Stop giving her the ability to hurt you. 

You are 30.  Make this your decade!

Could you clarify what you mean re impatience?

I've heard of people having success with therapists over much shorter times than years but yes I agree I should have found another one. I guess that is another part of it - I wasn't happy to talk about therapy with my ex but had I done so she would have likely pushed me to find another/keep trying.

Re 2 to tango. This is true. I am beating myself up saying I should have told her to change, and she should have done likewise. Not in a 'completely change' kind of way but moreso in a compromise way. I guess its just that in paper so many things were great. Maybe we were just 'too' different.. I just feel like we could/should have worked on it.

Thats the long and the short of it. I realise that if we did reconnect (unlikely), friends/family would probably be cynical, and the history would probably jade anything moving forward. Also.. I havn't done the work.. yet, and nor has she (nor should she have to if she doesnt want to, doesn't think her communication is an issue). Like, we'd be really up against it. I did the dumping but I'm hurting so bad.

I've come around to the fact that I need to block her. It only hurts in the sense that it makes me think she still cares and as I clearly still care there is still hope (even though i'm the one who did the dumping). I almost want to tell her why i'm blocking here before I do it - not because im over it but rather because it needs to be done. I feel like I'd phrase it badly though and do more damage (not that it matters as when all said and done we'll likely never speak again).

[Calendula]

I see a lot of self-sabotage behavior in how you describe you actions and decisions. It seems you're setting yourself up for failure and then when it occurs you're validated and proven right about the idea that nothing could ever work out for you. But what have you really lost by trying and what have you lost by not trying? If you do nothing about trying to reconnect with this person, then you remain as you are, where you are. If you try to talk to her again about how you feel and why you think you feel that way (essentially so many of the things you've written in this post) you might actually gain something, if only her insight. You certainly have nothing to lose as doing nothing at this point and blocking her still dictates the end of the relationship. 

While you seem to think you do a lot of "overthinking," contemplation isn't necessarily a bad thing if you spend your time thinking about things constructively. Perhaps you could think about how you two might make better friends than romantic partners? Perhaps there are ways the two of you could work to redefine your relationship to better work for both of you instead of trying to make it conform to something that doesn't really work for either of you. It sounds like you were having issues at the end there; why were you having such issues and what could be done differently in the future with either her or someone new to avoid such things happening again? Thinking isn't inherently bad, but you do need to be able to make it work for you, forcing your conscious mind to direct where your thoughts go rather than letting your subconscious emotional mind run you down into the spiral pit of despair.