Dealing with Jealousy in a Great Relationship

[vivienn]

Hello,

I've been in a relationship for over a year now with someone who is very supportive and wonderful, and we had a very strong and exciting start to our relationship (that really hasn't faded). However, I can't shake the friendship he has with his ex, and I am extremely frustrated that I am unable to get over it.

They broke up a bit less than a year before we began dating. To my knowledge, their relationship was great, but she suffered acute serious mental illness issues that led to them breaking up. They remained good friends, even platonically living together for a bit after the break up until he was able to move.

When we began dating, she came up a lot in general conversations, but I pointed out that out when it was sort of out of the blue, and he stopped doing it. I recently noticed that they still chat sometimes, and he said they're still good friends and there's nothing going on, but he feels like he can't be freely on his phone around me anymore because my mood visibly drops when he's chatting with anyone (really, my mood drops when I see that they've been talking recently). He said it isn't frequent and there's nothing going on. I periodically get upset but try to deal with it on my own (though it doesn't go unnoticed, but I feel bad saying "it's nothing" when it *is* something, even though it's stupid and I'm afraid he will be upset with me again if I keep bringing it up - the last time we talked about it wasn't a great conversation).

I believe and trust him, but there's still a part of me that gets really irked by this. I never see who he's chatting with anymore since he noticed my mood dips when I see these things, so I just always feel like they're chatting and there's just something he can't get over. I don't know if it's the trauma of the relationship or feelings or what, and I don't doubt his devotion to/love for me, but I just really don't know how to let go of it. Does anyone have any similar experience/advice for how they dealt with these feelings?

I should also mention that we have been long-distance for a brief period, and will be in a few months again (though the distance will be much shorter), so I would like to figure out how to deal with this and not get even more into my head when we are apart!

Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. A "very supportive and wonderful, and very strong and exciting relationship" does not involve a triangle like this.

This isn't about jealousy, it's about putting up with excuses why he's dragging her along and not making your relationship a priority.

She's not his child who he has to take care of. That's a load of BS and at some level... You know this.

[vivienn]

Absolutely, I agree with you. I am fine with them being friends (I'm friends with my exes too, I get it), and I don't sense anything going on beyond that, but it's his reaction to communicating about this that's odd and makes me feel like I'm just jealous, but I don't think that's what I'm feeling. 

[d0nnivain]

If you are fine with them being friends, acknowledge your own jealousy & perhaps talk with him about ways you can all work to address it. 

Personally that friendship sounds waaaayyyyyy too close for the last relationship before me.  It also sounds like they broke up for practical reasons over which they had no control -- some illness she developed rather than falling out of love.  That tells me your gut is right on & there's something here for you to be very cautious about.  It reads to me like you are a rebound / consolation prize because he can't have the woman he really wants -- her.  I think you want this work so badly that you are trying to ignore the yellow flags waving all around you.  

[Marc878]

No one wants an x in the mix.  Get a copy of “Not Just Friends” by glass.

The problem is staying close to an x can reignite their past relationship.

Happens all the time. 

[vivienn]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

If you are fine with them being friends, acknowledge your own jealousy & perhaps talk with him about ways you can all work to address it. 

Personally that friendship sounds waaaayyyyyy too close for the last relationship before me.  It also sounds like they broke up for practical reasons over which they had no control -- some illness she developed rather than falling out of love.  That tells me your gut is right on & there's something here for you to be very cautious about.  It reads to me like you are a rebound / consolation prize because he can't have the woman he really wants -- her.  I think you want this work so badly that you are trying to ignore the yellow flags waving all around you.  

This is definitely how I'm feeling deep down, but I'm not sure if it's because my last relationship ended this way (though they left for another person that they cheated on me with, and not an ex). Current partner and I have talked about this and he said this isn't the case and that he cares for her as a friend and has said he isn't interested and simply isn't interested in dating anyone he's dated before. he's maintained friendship with all his exes.

[smackie9]

You are just going to have to talk to him more about it. This time tho express how it's making you feel, that it's not appropriate when in a committed relationship. He should honor that because you two are past the one year mark, and it's time for things to change if this relationship is to continue. Ask him, how would he feel if you had continued contact with your ex BF. Then let him think on what you said. Basically this is an ultimatum. I don't think your request for him to cut ties with her is unrealistic but his attitude towards your feelings about it is.

Edited February 12, 2021 by smackie9

[Fletch Lives]

Get another man to talk to. Maybe when he sees how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot, he'll be ready to change.

 

But even that might not work if he's still in love with his ex. You might be the rebound girl.

[DKT3]

I'm confused.  You're ok with then being friends because you're friends with your ex boyfriends but you're not ok with him talking to her? 

So really you do have a problem with them being friends because friends talk. You feel bad about it because you clearly see the double standard. 

[vivienn]

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I'm confused.  You're ok with then being friends because you're friends with your ex boyfriends but you're not ok with him talking to her? 

So really you do have a problem with them being friends because friends talk. You feel bad about it because you clearly see the double standard. 

No, what I mean by that is I'm fine with that kind of friendship, but it should be explicitly discussed (ie., he has met a friend of mine whom I dated ten years ago, and we openly discussed my history with that ex, and he clearly has no issues with the friendship). When the history/friendship isn't clearly discussed - like in my case - I think there's a larger issue, which is what I'm trying to deal with right now. 

[DKT3]

So he is allowed to have friends on your terms?

My personal opinion is if a partner is truly into they would fix the things that make you uncomfortable,  however,  its gets a little controlling when one continues to hammer the point. You've said you know nothing inappropriate is happening so what are really your issues? She is super hot? He is too concerned with her well-being? You fear he will ultimately leave you and return to her?

 

[lana-banana]

This one is tough. He is making it sound like you're extremely suspicious and paranoid---do you think that's true? Does your mood really noticeably change every time he gets on his phone? If that's true, then maybe you really do need to work on your emotional regulation. Remind yourself that you trust him, and demonstrate that trust in him. This is my first suggestion: make a real, concerted effort. Remember that he chose to be with you, not his ex.

On the other hand, after a year of dating he should be prioritizing you even if it's a bit silly. And he should be understanding of your fears about going long-distance again. At this point it's not unreasonable to ask that he limit his contact with her, or at least tell you about their conversations when they occur. If he isn't willing to do even this then you may have something more than a gut feeling. 

[deepthinking]

I think he knows how bad you feel. And who would not  feel bad if there was chatting while you just sit there? It is not about sex but the rapport, and only secure types could sit through it and not mind.  If he cannot make you feel secure, he is not much of a boyf, but give him til Valentines to see what he does

Edited February 12, 2021 by deepthinking

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm sorry you're going through this and totally understand how you must feel. I'm one of the least jealous women I know but that would irk me, too.

It's not that he's going to leave you for her. It's not that he will ever have sex with her. It's that once a couple has an emotionally and intimate relationship, IMO, there is a depth of relationship there that I wouldn't want my bf to continue to share with anyone else.

Communicating with someone you've had that close a relationship with on a regular basis is, IMO, sapping energy from the present relationship you're in.

A guy who had dated me while he was single (we never held hands or even kissed) got in trouble with his wife for calling me after he got married. I totally get why she was upset. Btw, she was a therapist and had a sixth sense for that type thing. I know he told her we'd been "just friends" which was true for me but he had proposed to me. I knew that there was something in our R that he loved, though I'm not sure what it was. However, whatever it was, I wasn't the appropriate person to be filling that need for him.

I couldn't continue in the R with someone who did that and ignored my wishes about stopping. I'm not sure I'd want to be in a R with someone who did that even if they didn't know it was bothering me.

Also, this is going to wear on your R. I think you know that or you wouldn't be posting about it. You're the one in the right here.

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, vivienn said:

I am fine with them being friends

No you aren't. Start with being honest with yourself:
 

Quote

my mood visibly drops when he's chatting with anyone

(really, my mood drops when I see that they've been talking recently).

I periodically get upset

Quote

it doesn't go unnoticed, but I feel bad saying "it's nothing" when it *is* something,

I keep bringing it up - the last time we talked about it wasn't a great conversation.

there's still a part of me that gets really irked by this.

Quote

I never see who he's chatting with anymore since he noticed my mood dips when I see these things

I just always feel like they're chatting and there's just something he can't get over.

I just really don't know how to let go of it.

That does not sound like someone who is fine with his friendships.

If you were, your 'mood' wouldn't dip (iow: manipulation) when he's talking to anyone.

You don't like his attention going to any friend, let alone this one chick.

Examine why that is. This is feeding something in you and you need to find out what that is and why it's there.

Edited February 13, 2021 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

After a year dating do you have plans for the future? Moving in together? marriage? kids? If yes then you both drop your exs, ALL of them. 

[central]

This sounds like your problem, not his.  Of course, if you can't let it go and he won't abandon his friendship, then you'll have to break up.  Personally, I would not give up a good friend for a new relationship; I wouldn't mind for a casual friendship, but of course that would be less threatening to a new lover.  I am very good friends with several exes and some women I've never dated, but not with my ex-wife - she's too toxic.

[usa1ah]

On 2/12/2021 at 9:00 AM, vivienn said:

Absolutely, I agree with you. I am fine with them being friends (I'm friends with my exes too, I get it), and I don't sense anything going on beyond that, but it's his reaction to communicating about this that's odd and makes me feel like I'm just jealous, but I don't think that's what I'm feeling. 

Your still have ex’s as your friend and giving your boyfriend s*** about being friends with ONE of his. 
 

Talk about a double standard. 
 

Or

 

Is it because you know what your capable of?

Edited February 14, 2021 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

On 2/12/2021 at 8:09 PM, LivingWaterPlease said:

I'm sorry you're going through this and totally understand how you must feel. I'm one of the least jealous women I know but that would irk me, too.

It's not that he's going to leave you for her. It's not that he will ever have sex with her. It's that once a couple has an emotionally and intimate relationship, IMO, there is a depth of relationship there that I wouldn't want my bf to continue to share with anyone else.

Communicating with someone you've had that close a relationship with on a regular basis is, IMO, sapping energy from the present relationship you're in.

A guy who had dated me while he was single (we never held hands or even kissed) got in trouble with his wife for calling me after he got married. I totally get why she was upset. Btw, she was a therapist and had a sixth sense for that type thing. I know he told her we'd been "just friends" which was true for me but he had proposed to me. I knew that there was something in our R that he loved, though I'm not sure what it was. However, whatever it was, I wasn't the appropriate person to be filling that need for him.

I couldn't continue in the R with someone who did that and ignored my wishes about stopping. I'm not sure I'd want to be in a R with someone who did that even if they didn't know it was bothering me.

Also, this is going to wear on your R. I think you know that or you wouldn't be posting about it. You're the one in the right here.

I would agree with this if OP wasn’t still friends with several of her own ex boyfriends. She is wanting her boyfriend to do something she hasn’t done and has no intentions of doing. 

[usa1ah]

On 2/12/2021 at 5:00 PM, vivienn said:

No, what I mean by that is I'm fine with that kind of friendship, but it should be explicitly discussed (ie., he has met a friend of mine whom I dated ten years ago, and we openly discussed my history with that ex, and he clearly has no issues with the friendship). When the history/friendship isn't clearly discussed - like in my case - I think there's a larger issue, which is what I'm trying to deal with right now. 

What else do you need to discuss? It sounds like you already know a lot about their past relationship. I really think that you would have a issue with him being friends with any of his ex’s. 

[NYAG]

It sounds like the jealousy is the issue not him or his past, being that you both have contact with exs. Loads of people stay in contact with exs and it isn't a problem. You need to address this because it will seriously impact your relationship.

If he is not doing things around you which he has realised trigger you, you are laying a dangerous foundation. He is going to get scared of doing things around you, treading on egg shells. Eventually that will drive him away or drive him to do everything in secret for fear of upsetting you and that will only (in your mind) justify your feelings of jealousy).

If you're going to go back to being long distance this is going to drive you nuts because you can't keep monitoring him. You must address this externally to get a handle on your own feelings. He has done what he can. If you carry on like  this, it could be prophetic, and you may end up driving him back to his ex or to someone else which will only make you feel like your feelings were justified. Presuming he's innocent and there is nothing for you to be worrying about you need to see someone to learn to understand why you do this because it isn't healthy and it will come back to haunt you in future relationships.

[smackie9]

The OP hasn't posted in a month. Long gone.