Still thinking about my break up of 1 year and a half ago

[MissPinkEyes]

I've had a very intense on-off relationship with a guy that ended in October 2019. I really loved him but he was very insecure and avoidant. Things were great when everything went along the "script" in his head but as soon as something was not like that (because life is not perfect), he would become very insecure like a child.

2 months before we break up we got back together and really wanted to make it work. He was a real old school gentleman, and I love d it. He even bought an engagement ring and asked me to marry him, to which I said yes.

Then 2 weeks before we broke up I got really sick with a bacterial infection and that together with the fact I am a single mom, left me exhausted. On the Sunday before we broke up I withdraw from him and was avoiding him because he didn't give me any space to breathe and relax and I was getting resentful.

We were practically living together at that point and I asked him if he could go and sleep in his house that night as I wanted to just be by myself and rest, and needed some me time. He got really insecure and thought I was going to break up with him despite me telling him that no I am not breaking up, I am just exhausted and want some space. He went to his house and then came back and we had this huge fight.

He then picked up all his stuff from my house (in front of my son) and left me on the spot. I never saw him again.

We texted after that but I was so mad at him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I think I should have communicated better with him, be more loving and reassure him I loved him and was not breaking up, but I was plain exhausted. I also think he should have gone to his house, let me rest and then next day we could have a conversation.

Anyway, I was shocked that one day I was engaged and making plans to buy a house together and next day I was on my own.

But the worst part was knowing that a month later he was already in a serious relationship with another woman and he married her 2 months later. 

This was a very intense relationship, and it took me a long time to understand his side and forgive him, and forgive myself, although I still can't go pass him marrying another woman after a couple of months.

I still think about this every day, I still feel hurt and I can't seem to move on.

In many ways he was a gentleman like I never had before and I felt cared for. I like that and would love to have that in a relationship.

I have tried online dating but the only guys I meet are either guys who just want sex or guys who want a relationship but not for the right reasons, which makes me feel lonely and think I missed my chance with him.

I thought that I would meet a really nice man that would also be a gentleman but more secure than he is, and could be truly happy in a relationship, but nope, didn't happen.

I am even questioning right now if I am made for a relationship, or I should just be alone for good. 

Please don't tell me to do therapy as I tried and it was a disaster. Any advice? Thank you!

Edited February 12, 2021 by MissPinkEyes

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, MissPinkEyes said:

Please don't tell me to do therapy as I tried and it was a disaster. Any advice? Thank you!

Then you didn't find a good therapist.  Therapy should never be a "disaster" if you have a good therapist.  You have to look around to find one that is good for you.

[d0nnivain]

Shortly after your break up at a point in time when you would traditionally start to venture out again & look for a new relationship Covid & lock downs happened.  You got mentally stalled, even though it does take time to recover from the end of an engagement.   The intensity of it makes recovery even harder / longer.  

Still his response to your illness & need for space understandably hurt you.  When you are used to being alone it can be hard to be sick around an SO.  I got sick on my HM & felt smothered by my brand new DH.  He wanted to stay with him out of loyalty but I forced him to go on a sight seeing tour one afternoon so I could sleep.  He didn't pout.  He gave me space. For whatever reason your guy couldn't do that for you which makes him a poor prospect for a husband. 

When the world re-opens you will have opportunities to move forward.  Now with OLD as your only option, things are a bit bleak but they will improve.  You are focused on your EX out of nostalgia & longing.  This isolation sucks but it's no reason to accept rotten immature treatment.  

I agree with @ShyViolet.  If your therapy was a disaster, you had the wrong therapist.  I've had some that were awesome & some that were quacks.   

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

It's very easy to remember all the best parts of an ex and forget the bad parts. This is why after my last breakup, I made a list of all the reasons it would be a bad idea to get back with him, knowing he would try again. I've had to review that list dozens of times in weak moments.

I still remember and probably won't ever forget that our cuddles were the best ever. Sleeping together, we fit together like puzzle pieces and slept soundly while cuddled up the whole night every night. I LOVED THAT. But then I'd review my list and remember some of the things he said and did that made me feel like crap, that just weren't acceptable to deal with for the rest of my life. 

Try to accept that what's meant to be will be and let go of the past. I'm not dating again yet, but lately I have been talking to this man who found me online (not on a dating site). He convinced me to do video calls, something I've never done in a romantic context. He seems like such a good guy that I went for it. He's a loving, thoughtful person who seems to light up just by making me smile. He strikes me as a man of honor, a gentleman, selfless, considerate - all the things my ex was not. We'll probably never meet because we live far apart - but just talking to him is kind of restoring my faith in men and romance, which is much needed.

[maggiemtn]

I totally agree with Ruby about making a list of reasons it wouldn’t work out, or things you weren’t happy with, etc. My best friend told me to do this several times after breakups and I never did it, I didn’t see what it would actually help. But I finally did it this time, and it’s SO helpful. I wrote down even tiny things that annoyed me, big things that I willfully ignored to keep the peace. My list was a mile long. Some of the points are very silly, but when I look at it, I remember and think “Oh yeah, that was annoying.” I took a picture of it and keep it on my phone in case I were to ever get the urge to reach out. I always read the list first and it’s saved me every time. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

I've had a very intense on-off.

We were practically living together at that point 

It seems like you made the right decision ending it.

Although it was intense, it was also unstable and incompatible.

When loneliness hits, people tend to ruminate and reminisce, often idealizing the past to fill the void.

Why was he camping out at your home?

Perhaps it's time to forget his insincerity and creepiness and work on recovering from your divorce and the challenges of single parenting and dating.