Does he want his ex back? I'm flying out to be with him for VDAY tomorrow.

[princessaurora]

25 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

Was he still checking up on her? 
 

I just found out that he recently followed her other social media account, like within the last few weeks lol.

This was the 90's. They only had email back then.  lol

But she stilled called him from time to time  and they had mutual friends so he knew what was going on in her life. 

Eventually though I was sexing him up so good he didn't have time to think about her because he was spending all his free time with me. Ha! 

Seriously, though, he was an fwb, not someone I was in a relationship with, like it seems you are, so tread carefully and try to detach yourself emotionally as much as you can. As long as she is occupying his heart,  there won't be space for yours.  

[mortensorchid]

His feelings towards the ex may be questionable but you are certainly the rebound.  Beware of his motivations - he doesn't really care for you as much as he says he does, he wants someone else to fill the void.  It takes us usually about a year to get over the previous LTR.  Unfortunately a rebounder will usually marry their reboundee barely a year after the last LTR ended.  

Good luck and I hope you don't get hurt.

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

If I’m with him this weekend it clearly means he doesn’t want her back, IMO.

Wrong. 

They’ve only stopped talking in December. And, it’s quite clear from what you’ve said that he is still very much interested in her. 

[Cappygyal]

14 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

His feelings towards the ex may be questionable but you are certainly the rebound.  Beware of his motivations - he doesn't really care for you as much as he says he does, he wants someone else to fill the void.  It takes us usually about a year to get over the previous LTR.  Unfortunately a rebounder will usually marry their reboundee barely a year after the last LTR ended.  

Good luck and I hope you don't get hurt.

So you agree, that it seems like he may not have feelings for his ex? 

[mortensorchid]

2 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

So you agree, that it seems like he may not have feelings for his ex? 

That is a possibility but very thin.  How does he talk about her to you or others?  Does he seem depressed or guilt ridden?  If he is angry at her or anyone else, it's because he's not getting his way.  He may be saying to you, her and others around him that he is only looking out for her or he wants to be friends, but his actions are saying otherwise.  They are saying "You WILL acknowledge me".  If and when she doesn't respond in a way that he likes is when he might get crazy.

But I agree that yes he still has some feeling for her.

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

So you agree, that it seems like he may not have feelings for his ex? 

Have you heard of confirmation bias. It’s clearly what you are hoping to accomplish here. 

[Cappygyal]

11 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

That is a possibility but very thin.  How does he talk about her to you or others?  Does he seem depressed or guilt ridden?  If he is angry at her or anyone else, it's because he's not getting his way.  He may be saying to you, her and others around him that he is only looking out for her or he wants to be friends, but his actions are saying otherwise.  They are saying "You WILL acknowledge me".  If and when she doesn't respond in a way that he likes is when he might get crazy.

But I agree that yes he still has some feeling for her.

He seems more angry. But then 3 days ago he posted a video of him at the gym but with this slow song by The Weeknd. The song was about a guy who is in love with this girl who is with someone else and he says, “ can you just put your pride aside and call me. Can you take a try on me?”. I didn’t think of it really then. Later that night is when he posted her initials or those random letters saying she’s or whomever is stuck on his mind. 
 

When he talks about her he seems a little angry and like he doesn’t care like, “yea it’s whatever”

Edited February 13, 2021 by Cappygyal

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

I just found out that he recently followed her other social media account

And yet...you're flying headlong into headaches and heartaches with this?

[Mrin]

Holycrap. OP: every single thing you listed screams "he's not over his ex". Wow. Like it couldn't be any more clear if wore a t-shirt with his ex's face on it and had "I'm not over her" stenciled below it. 

Best case scenario for you relationship wise with this guy is to be his rebound chick. Worse case is he asks you to camp out in front of his ex's house tomorrow and hold the boom box while he reinacts the scene from Say Anything. 

[Cappygyal]

1 minute ago, Mrin said:

Holycrap. OP: every single thing you listed screams "he's not over his ex". Wow. Like it couldn't be any more clear if wore a t-shirt with his ex's face on it and had "I'm not over her" stenciled below it. 

Best case scenario for you relationship wise with this guy is to be his rebound chick. Worse case is he asks you to camp out in front of his ex's house tomorrow and hold the boom box while he reinacts the scene from Say Anything. 

That’s why I said he’s grieving her. This doesn’t mean he wants to be with her though.

[Mrin]

Just now, Cappygyal said:

That’s why I said he’s grieving her. This doesn’t mean he wants to be with her though.

Ya. It does. I'm sorry.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

That’s why I said he’s grieving her. This doesn’t mean he wants to be with her though.

Ugh. You are so young... The fact that he is grieving at all tells you he is not done with her. People who are done with their ex’s are indifferent. He is definitely not indifferent toward her. He is angry. And sad. He would be with her in a heartbeat, if it was an option. 

The song lyrics say, “give me another chance.” 

14 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

The song was about a guy who is in love with this girl who is with someone else and he says, “ can you just put your pride aside and call me. Can you take a try on me?”

He is not over her, he wants to be with her, he would be standing outside her house with a boom box if she gave him any sign that he would be welcome...Ignore the signs at your own peril.

Edited February 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

So I got here early this morning, about 5 hours ago. He’s out at the store right now. 

5 hours ago, you posted this^.  Where is he now, why aren't you together?  You took a flight to see him, and you're posting on a message forum? 

Sorry, this doesn't sound good.  

Edited February 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[Cappygyal]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

5 hours ago, you posted this^.  Where is he now, why aren't you together?  You took a flight to see him, and you're posting on a message forum? 

Sorry, this doesn't sound good.  

We just got back from lunch and he’s taking a nap. We went to one of his favorites spots near his house  

The cousin asked how things were going. I told her and she said he used to take the ex to the same place. It’s near his house and his favorite cuisine, so I don’t see the issue. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

We just got back from lunch and he’s taking a nap.

😥 No sex?

[Cappygyal]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

😥 No sex?

We did this morning. Woke up late then went to get lunch.

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

😥 No sex?

Lol, yeah I'd be in there "napping" with him!  😆  

[Cappygyal]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Ugh. You are so young... The fact that he is grieving at all tells you he is not done with her. People who are done with their ex’s are indifferent. He is definitely not indifferent toward her. He is angry. And sad. He would be with her in a heartbeat, if it was an option. 

The song lyrics say, “give me another chance.” 

He is not over her, he wants to be with her, he would be standing outside her house with a boom box if she gave him any sign that he would be welcome...Ignore the signs at your own peril.

Honestly, I’m actually 22. I just turned 22 in September. I said I was 27 because I thought I’d be too young to use this forum.... The guy in question is 30 though.

Edited February 14, 2021 by Cappygyal

[basil67]

This much age difference, with you being only 22?  He's using you as a play thing.  A distraction while he can't be with his ex.

Edited February 14, 2021 by basil67

[Cappygyal]

Just now, basil67 said:

This much age difference, with you being only 22?  He's using you as a play thing.  A distraction while he can't be with his ex.

But there are couples with 10+ years age difference.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Cappygyal said:

But there are couples with 10+ years age difference.

And if he was dedicated to you and only you, head over heels in love, I probably would not have said it.   But it looks to me like he's taking advantage of your youth and naivety to use you as a distraction.  

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, Cappygyal said:

But there are couples with 10+ years age difference.

Okay so I've been that guy. The guy you are with right now. I know that spot. I've been in that spot. And that's why I can say with 1000% confidence that he's not only not over his ex, but is desperate to get back with her.

But... That has nothing to do with you. You need to understand that. That's between him and her. You could be the greatest thing he's ever had in his life and it wouldn't mean thing one for him right now. 

And... That also means it doesn't doom you and him being together. Not in the least bit. but it does mean that he needs to put some distance both in time and actual distance between him and his ex before you even start to factor in to the equation. I don't know how you navigate this. But just be aware that he has to let go before grasping hold of you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

The cousin asked how things were going. I told her and she said he used to take the ex to the same place. It’s near his house and his favorite cuisine, so I don’t see the issue. 

No, you don't want to see the issue. 

You're wasting your time here. No matter how many times you repeat the question and try to convince yourself it's fine  - it's not fine. You wouldn't be posting here when you're with him if all was good. 

Sorry. He's rebounding with you. Don't expect this to last. 

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

she said he used to take the ex to the same place. It’s near his house and his favorite cuisine, so I don’t see the issue. 

You don't see the issue as you have no idea how rebounds work.
The grieving person grabs onto the first person they can attract.
They then try to make that person into the person they have just lost, so they slot the new gf into the space the ex used to occupy. 
He takes her to the places he and his ex used to go to, he treats  her just like his ex.
It all feels so right so loving, so familiar, so comfortable... 
The rebound starts to get very attached quite quickly as he seems too good to be true, he is the perfect bf, she thinks he probably loves her.
BUT one day the grieving person wakes up, they realise the rebound is NOT their ex, they are a completely different person, a person he doesn't really know. 
He either ends it  or he starts picking fault as she is a substitute and not the real deal and that is upsetting, he may blame her for trying to fool him...
The rebound is heart broken as her "perfect" relationship just crumbled into dust, often quite suddenly and unexpectedly.

The problem is that it is not unexpected, experienced people will avoid those who just got out of "serious" relationships or those who have "unfinished business" with their ex as they invariably lead to misery and heart ache...

Fine is you are looking for fun and short term, but because it all gets intense so quickly it is often difficult to keep feelings out of it and that is why it is better to just avoid right away.

[Cappygyal]

3 hours ago, Mrin said:

Okay so I've been that guy. The guy you are with right now. I know that spot. I've been in that spot. And that's why I can say with 1000% confidence that he's not only not over his ex, but is desperate to get back with her.

But... That has nothing to do with you. You need to understand that. That's between him and her. You could be the greatest thing he's ever had in his life and it wouldn't mean thing one for him right now. 

And... That also means it doesn't doom you and him being together. Not in the least bit. but it does mean that he needs to put some distance both in time and actual distance between him and his ex before you even start to factor in to the equation. I don't know how you navigate this. But just be aware that he has to let go before grasping hold of you. 

Well if you’re saying there’s a chance of us being together that means he has feelings for me and that I was right - if he didn’t have feelings for me we wouldn’t be spending Valentine’s Day weekend together.