Does he want his ex back? I'm flying out to be with him for VDAY tomorrow.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Even the most mind blowing sex is forgettable if it's not with the person we really want to be having it with.

Yeah, exactly. 

It wasn't that remarkable for him if he's still hung up on his ex.  

Why are you desperate for this guy to like you, OP? 

[princessaurora]

I told you I've seen this played out so many times, including with my now husband. That's why I've been trying to give it to you straight. 

We went through a rough patch and I ended up walking away from him. During that  time he slept with other women, but one particular he spent alot of time with. He took her places, she was always sleeping over, even hanging out with him and his friends. The whole time he was with her he was constantly emailing me, calling me.I kept in touch with his parents but not him because we had grown close.  I ignored his attempts for nearly a year.  Every time he came home for the weekend, he would ask his parents if I'd called and  whenever he came back from somewhere whether he was with her or not, he did the same.  (We didn't have cell phones then)  His dad would tell me he knew she was just a warm body. That' s pretty sad even he knew that. The week before Thanksgiving I finally called him back because I missed him so much. He invited me to spend Thanksgiving week with him at his apt he stayed at during the week for work and I accepted. We even had dinner at a couple's home he had grown close to and they told me even though he brought the other girl around, all he ever talked about was me. They thought she was pathetic settling for that, but still treated her kindly. 

We had an amazing time that week, with lots of sex and he semi proposed. He dropped her like a hot potato even with how much time he had spent with her. I was in the next room when they had the talk. He basically told her " You knew I was in love with her. I told you not to get attached to me. " I actually felt a little sorry for her because she had invested her time in a man who would never give her his heart. But she thought if she stuck around long enough, he would. So reading this post  sounded so familiar. 

A man in this state can offer you nothing but sex. He cannot give his heart to someone else when it is truly with another. My boyfriend/ now husband said the sex was good with her, but it wasn't  the same because there was no emotion. It was pure pleasure nothing more. With him and I, it was pleasure with the added component of something mich deeper. 

I hate to see you get hurt, but you were warned by so many of us here. Don't settle for less than you deserve. There's plenty of men out there who aren't pining for another. 

And learn a valuable lesson from this. Stay away from men who are still in love with someone else. Their bodies may be available, but  their hearts and minds are not. 

 

[kendahke]

On 2/18/2021 at 3:08 AM, Cappygyal said:

She has been trying to warn me to leave him alone since the beginning.

So why didn't you follow her advice?

Here's your solution: make a post with you, him, your cousin and his ex, post the screenshots and post anything he's said to you that leads you to believe you have a relationship with him. Make the declaration that he and you are a couple now and the ex is in the past.  This will shake the truth out of that tree once and for all. No one will be left wondering what they are or where they stand.

[Cappygyal]

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

So why didn't you follow her advice?

Here's your solution: make a post with you, him, your cousin and his ex, post the screenshots and post anything he's said to you that leads you to believe you have a relationship with him. Make the declaration that he and you are a couple now and the ex is in the past.  This will shake the truth out of that tree once and for all. No one will be left wondering what they are or where they stand.

No need. He texted me last night and said that he went to dinner with ex last night. They are working on their relationship and he wanted to be upfront with me. He wished me the best and unfollowed me on social media. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

No need. He texted me last night and said that he went to dinner with ex last night. They are working on their relationship and he wanted to be upfront with me. He wished me the best and unfollowed me on social media. 

This is for the best. 

You were going to wind up hurt by this, sooner or later. Better that it's over before you got any more attached. 

[Cappygyal]

23 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is for the best. 

You were going to wind up hurt by this, sooner or later. Better that it's over before you got any more attached. 

He’s an a**h***. 
 

Weeks before I came out he said that he wasn’t looking for anything. I asked what he was doing for Valentine’s Day and suggested that I come out. He said sure to me flying out there. I just thought he had changed his mind since he spent Valentine’s Day with me.

He knew he still wanted his ex all along but didn’t tell me. I asked when I would see him again, he responded with “I don’t want you to let me get in the way of you seeing other men”. That’s different than telling me about his ex.

Anyways, I told him that I f*cking hated him.

[BaileyB]

58 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

He knew he still wanted his ex all along but didn’t tell me.

Sure he did...

58 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

Weeks before I came out he said that he wasn’t looking for anything.

You just didn’t listen. You didn’t listen to him. You didn’t listen to us. And now you are angry...

Respectfully, you are less a victim here than a volunteer. The signs were all there and you ignored them.

Let this be a lesson to you. Men who have recently ended another relationship don’t make good boyfriends. 

Edited February 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[Miss Spider]

59 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

“I don’t want you to let me get in the way of you seeing other men”.

He told you

 Just because he didn’t spell it out in huge flashing marquee and firework display you want to be mad 

Edited February 22, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Cappygyal said:

I told him that I f*cking hated him.

What does the cousin who fixed you up think? Best to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Move forward in peace, without background noise from all this.

[Cappygyal]

On 2/22/2021 at 3:30 PM, Wiseman2 said:

What does the cousin who fixed you up think? Best to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Move forward in peace, without background noise from all this.

She wasn’t surprised at all. I had took some pictures of him while were out when he wasn’t looking, covered his face with an emoji, and posted it on social media. He saw it and told me to take it down and was pretty rude about it. That’s part of the reason why I told him f*ck him. I unfollowed him after he unfollowed me.

[Mrin]

Totally didn't see that one coming, said no one who read this thread ever.

I'm sorry OP. I know that isn't any consolation and it hurts all the same.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

. I had took some pictures of him while were out when he wasn’t looking, covered his face with an emoji, and posted it on social media. He saw it and told me to take it down 

Ok. Don't post images of people without their permission. It's good he asked and you removed it rather than reporting you to the site.

You could start respecting your own and other people's boundaries and that would help you feel better about yourself.

Relax, calm down and only date local single available people you actually like.

Why end up in a war with someone? It's not worth your time or energy .

[Cappygyal]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Don't post images of people without their permission. It's good he asked and you removed it rather than reporting you to the site.

You could start respecting your own and other people's boundaries and that would help you feel better about yourself.

Relax, calm down and only date local single available people you actually like.

Why end up in a war with someone? It's not worth your time or energy .

I’ve posted pictures of people I’ve dated before without their permission. Serious - what is the issue? 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

I’ve posted pictures of people I’ve dated before without their permission. Serious - what is the issue? 

You are not dating this guy...

[LynneVicious]

Op, sorry you are hurting. The best advice I can offer is to go back and reread your thread from the beginning. Truly read it and pay attention to your questions and the responses. Apply it to what was happening while you were hanging out with him. 
 

Ask her yourself: if your best friend were posting these questions, what would you tell her and what advice would you give her?

He did tell you he wasn’t looking for anything. That’s huge. Don’t assume a man changes his mind about what he’s looking for because he has sex with you. You truly need to understand how completely different men are from women. They’re wired differently. They can sleep with a woman for years and not get attached. 
 

And learn not to project. It’s easy to assume someone loves you or wants to be with you because you feel strongly about them. Take the social cues and pay attention. 
 

The minute he texted his ex Happy Valentines Day, you should have gracefully left. 
 

Again, sorry you are hurting but you were an active participant. It’s best to learn from situations like this, so you can learn in the future. Experience will help guide you if you learn from your mistakes and not place all the blame on the other person. 
 

keep your chin up girl! You are young and have so much ahead of you. Have fun, hang with your friends and date local guys. 

Edited February 25, 2021 by LynneVicious

[Miss Spider]

22 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

She wasn’t surprised at all. I had took some pictures of him while were out when he wasn’t looking, covered his face with an emoji, and posted it on social media. He saw it and told me to take it down and was pretty rude about it. That’s part of the reason why I told him f*ck him. I unfollowed him after he unfollowed me.

Why

[amygirl908]

42 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

I’ve posted pictures of people I’ve dated before without their permission. Serious - what is the issue? 

The issue is respecting people and their privacy.

I think you seriously need to consider working on boundaries, respect, self esteem and listening to people. You came here asking for advice but didn't want to listen to anyone because it didn't match the narrative you created in your head. This entire situation that you are in right now is 100% on you.

You built a fantasy in your head about assumptions and expectations you made/had that were not grounded in reality. As much as we want other people to do the things we want them to do we can't make them and living in denial won't make those things come to fruition. People are who they are and they will tell you. Listen to what they say and do and take them on their words and behavior. Never assume anything about anyone, especially someone you don't know very well.

[Crazelnut]

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation. No one can genuinely be so willfully ignorant of red flags and outright verbal warnings. 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation. No one can genuinely be so willfully ignorant of red flags and outright verbal warnings. 

Yes they can, as none of the warnings suited her own assessment of the situation. She liked this guy a lot and could see it progressing.
She operated under self delusion.
The competition from the ex, was dismissed as SHE was the one he was spending Valentine's day with, that had to mean something surely?
SHE was the one he really wanted, the ex was history, surely?
If he had wanted the ex, then he could have asked her to come stay with him, but he didn't... that surely meant something?

We could see where this was headed but she couldn't, she was all loved up, the holiday atmosphere, the nice places he took her to, and the great sex....
The fact it was Valentine's Day also gave it a seriousness it didn't deserve.
I think her own ego got in the way too.
He was bound to choose her over the ex, of course he was, until he didn't.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

I’ve posted pictures of people I’ve dated before without their permission. Serious - what is the issue? 

1) You were not dating him 

2) It speaks to a lack of boundaries and respect for their privacy on your part. 

I am not sure why you posted this guy to begin with. What did you hope to gain out of that? You hardly know him. 

 

[HiCrunchy]

On 2/18/2021 at 6:53 AM, princessaurora said:

I told you I've seen this played out so many times, including with my now husband. That's why I've been trying to give it to you straight. 

We went through a rough patch and I ended up walking away from him. During that  time he slept with other women, but one particular he spent alot of time with. He took her places, she was always sleeping over, even hanging out with him and his friends. The whole time he was with her he was constantly emailing me, calling me.I kept in touch with his parents but not him because we had grown close.  I ignored his attempts for nearly a year.  Every time he came home for the weekend, he would ask his parents if I'd called and  whenever he came back from somewhere whether he was with her or not, he did the same.  (We didn't have cell phones then)  His dad would tell me he knew she was just a warm body. That' s pretty sad even he knew that. The week before Thanksgiving I finally called him back because I missed him so much. He invited me to spend Thanksgiving week with him at his apt he stayed at during the week for work and I accepted. We even had dinner at a couple's home he had grown close to and they told me even though he brought the other girl around, all he ever talked about was me. They thought she was pathetic settling for that, but still treated her kindly. 

We had an amazing time that week, with lots of sex and he semi proposed. He dropped her like a hot potato even with how much time he had spent with her. I was in the next room when they had the talk. He basically told her " You knew I was in love with her. I told you not to get attached to me. " I actually felt a little sorry for her because she had invested her time in a man who would never give her his heart. But she thought if she stuck around long enough, he would. So reading this post  sounded so familiar. 

A man in this state can offer you nothing but sex. He cannot give his heart to someone else when it is truly with another. My boyfriend/ now husband said the sex was good with her, but it wasn't  the same because there was no emotion. It was pure pleasure nothing more. With him and I, it was pleasure with the added component of something mich deeper. 

I hate to see you get hurt, but you were warned by so many of us here. Don't settle for less than you deserve. There's plenty of men out there who aren't pining for another. 

And learn a valuable lesson from this. Stay away from men who are still in love with someone else. Their bodies may be available, but  their hearts and minds are not. 

 

Damn if you didn't nail it with this one! Can you tell me my future? lmao

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

I’ve posted pictures of people I’ve dated before without their permission. Serious - what is the issue? 

The issue is you violated his privacy. I would have been pissed too if I discovered a guy I was dating or an ex uploaded a pic of me on social media without my permission or violated my privacy in any other way.

Where did you learn this was an okay thing to do?

And the emoji over his face?  I am curious what your thought process was re that.

 

Edited February 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

I’ve posted pictures of people I’ve dated before without their permission. Serious - what is the issue? 

It's likely that you've done this within friend groups where posting photos of each other is common practice and acceptable.   However, if you're with someone/people and you don't know how they feel about having their photos online, it's courtesy to ask permission. 

 

[princessaurora]

48 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

Damn if you didn't nail it with this one! Can you tell me my future? lmao

No I wish. I'd be quite wealthy!  😆

But if you ever post anything I feel experienced enough to advise you on, I'll surely let you know:)

[FMW]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

It's likely that you've done this within friend groups where posting photos of each other is common practice and acceptable. 

One of my friends had a bad habit of posting pictures of me and others in our friend group all over her social media.  I was NOT happy about it and made that clear to her, I felt it was an invasion of my privacy, especially since she was considered a "hot little blonde" and had tons of guys looking at everything she posted.  So it's not just dating situations where people should think before posting.