Is it strange that I still get jealous/bothered?

[jessiewilliams]

Hey guys! I have been with my BF for around a year now, although about 6 months in I broke up with him for 2ish months for multiple reasons such as our relationship becoming long-distance and multiple arguments happened. (I just didn't feel 100% right for me anymore). Anyway we are together again now and everything is great with us and we are making the distance work well. When we had the 2 month break-up, we were still talking pretty much every day. (Tbh I think I was in a messy headspace and was just very confused as to what I wanted in life). Afew weeks after we broke up, he was invited to a friend's house for a party/gathering, and I found out afew days after that he had sex with someone there. (Although apparently he was telling everyone there that he missed me and was still heartbroken about us breaking up). He was totally in his right to do what he wanted, although I was quite shocked as to how soon it ended up happening. A month or so later we ended up sorting things out between us and getting back together. He has been with multiple people before me and that really never bother me, but sometimes I really struggle thinking back to how he was with someone else in-between our relationship (although obviously we were broken up). I think maybe it was because it happened so soon, and whilst we were still speaking to each other and also he was still asking me if we could get back together throughout that period. It is likely that he will see the girl again as he has known her for a while and they have mutual friends, and if I am invited too I would feel so awkward if the 3 of us were there. This makes me stress/worry a lot!

I wish I could stop thinking about it and stop worrying, I know that he is super happy to be back with me and he says that he hated that period we broke up. At the end of the day we were broken up, but I think it is the fact that we may all end up at the same event in the future? I don't like telling him I worry about it, because I don't want to seem like a paranoid GF haha - but is it weird that I worry about it and think about how we would deal with potentially being at the same events in the future? x

Edited February 13, 2021 by jessiewilliams

[ShyViolet]

You broke up with him for two months.  You chose to do that.  Even though you were still talking during that time, you were broken up.  You can't also hold him to an expectation not to be with anyone else while he's technically single.  You can't have it both ways.  

It's time to just be an adult about this.  It's in the past.  Let it go.  He's with you now and it sounds like he's committed to you.  Maybe you'll run into the girl... it happens.  If it happens, you'll deal with it.  Just because she slept with him while he was single, that doesn't make her a threat to you or a bad person.  She's a human being.  It doesn't matter what happened, because he is with you now.  Be mature about this and don't worry about it so much.  If you run into her and it makes you feel really uncomfortable in the moment, then just ignore her, or leave if you really feel the need to.  You'll survive.

Edited February 13, 2021 by ShyViolet

[Gaeta]

You need to understand a man's mind here. Men hurt when they go through a breakup just like us, the difference is we women deal with it by withdrawing and they deal with it with casual sex. You mentioned a few times that you're surprised at how fast he did this, it's exactly that. You as a woman wouldn't be able to do that because you still had feelings for him but your guy is wired differently. Sex and love don't belong in the same brain compartment.  The sex he had was a way of dealing with the breakup, just like some men go for alcohol, or drugs, others will have casual sex. 

[elaine567]

The problem with breaking up with someone is that they are then free to date/sleep with other people.
Once they do that, then that can be harder to get over, than why the break up happened in the first place.
Reconciliations if they then occur, can falter on who the individual parties slept with when they were broken up.
Some men will almost immediately go get another woman to sleep with, some men will get a new substitute gf as soon as possible, some men will be heartbroken for months and months if not years. It all depends...
You are peeved because whilst you were grieving, and the break up was not really finalised in that you were still in touch, he so easily replaced you.
It is also a trust issue, here was a guy telling you he wanted to get back with you, but who casually and naturally just slept with another woman...
I guess that will always rankle... especially as this was not some unknown random, but a girl in your social circle... 
not easy..

[central]

I've also seen the reverse, that some men take a breakup hard and avoid dating for quite some time, while their ex has a new bf (or series of them) almost immediately.  Either way, it can be difficult to overcome these other partners if you try to get back together.  Most of the interim people are rebounds - only time and consistency make any of them a new relationship.

[smackie9]

A breakup can be a blow to a person's ego, so they find someone to have sex with to gratify their ego. Later tho they realize it doesn't do a damn thing for them. With guys especially, sex is just sex....he felt nothing for this girl. Just a piece of A.

Edited February 13, 2021 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this.  How did you find this out? he did not volunteer this, correct? On/off relationships are usually worse  for this reason.

Most people would be uncomfortable with this awkwardness, so don't convince yourself to be the "cool GF" on a silly technicality.

For all you know he precipitated the breakup while away in order to have local sex. 

Step way back and reflect if you want to  keep looking over your shoulder like this. No he didn't cheat, but on/off is just as bad.

[jessiewilliams]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You broke up with him for two months.  You chose to do that.  Even though you were still talking during that time, you were broken up.  You can't also hold him to an expectation not to be with anyone else while he's technically single.  You can't have it both ways.  

It's time to just be an adult about this.  It's in the past.  Let it go.  He's with you now and it sounds like he's committed to you.  Maybe you'll run into the girl... it happens.  If it happens, you'll deal with it.  Just because she slept with him while he was single, that doesn't make her a threat to you or a bad person.  She's a human being.  It doesn't matter what happened, because he is with you now.  Be mature about this and don't worry about it so much.  If you run into her and it makes you feel really uncomfortable in the moment, then just ignore her, or leave if you really feel the need to.  You'll survive.

Yes I understand I chose it and I don't regret it because it didn't feel right at the time so I think the space did us good. I haven't said to him I am mad, I told him he had all rights to do it because we were broken up. But it was just that it still bothers me time to time and I just hope I can forget about it completely. I think it is because it is likely I will run into her at a future event that gives me so much anxiety, but I don't want to be silly and refuse to go to an event because of her being there. Thank you for your advice

[jessiewilliams]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this.  How did you find this out? he did not volunteer this, correct? On/off relationships are usually worse  for this reason.

Most people would be uncomfortable with this awkwardness, so don't convince yourself to be the "cool GF" on a silly technicality.

For all you know he precipitated the breakup while away in order to have local sex. 

Step way back and reflect if you want to  keep looking over your shoulder like this. No he didn't cheat, but on/off is just as bad.

I have always said I wouldn't do the whole breakup/get back together thing, it just happened with us and now things are really good. I think I was just in a messy place at the time really. When he went to the event I just had a gut feeling that something had happened, and it really stressed me out so as we were talking days I just asked him if he had been with anyone since we broke up. I know it sounds silly that I asked, but I am a very open person and it was upsetting me not knowing, so it was better to just ask. I clearly still had feelings for him haha x

We only broke up the once. With covid, long distance and all the stress of finding work etc, I guess it is a fairly reasonable excuse for why it happened between us, but I mean it when I say everything is great now. I just wish I could stop worrying/thinking about what happened! 

[jessiewilliams]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

A breakup can be a blow to a person's ego, so they find someone to have sex with to gratify their ego. Later tho they realize it doesn't do a damn thing for them. With guys especially, sex is just sex....he felt nothing for this girl. Just a piece of A.

Very true, thank you. This is what he explains to me I guess when we spoke about it all x

Edited February 13, 2021 by jessiewilliams

[basil67]

Jessie, I don't know if this helps or hinders, but two months is not a short period of time, especially as you'd only been together for six months.     

Why do you worry about seeing her at a future event?   Sounds like the two of them had a ONS, but he ultimately chose to return to you, so I can't see there's anything to worry about.  

[jessiewilliams]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Jessie, I don't know if this helps or hinders, but two months is not a short period of time, especially as you'd only been together for six months.     

Why do you worry about seeing her at a future event?   Sounds like the two of them had a ONS, but he ultimately chose to return to you, so I can't see there's anything to worry about.  

Two months was the period that we broke up, it was 2-3 weeks he had the ONS. I guess girls and boys just deal with things differently :') Their mutual friends are in the same circle, so it is likely they will both be at the next events (and I would probably be invited too being his GF) Thank you x

[jessiewilliams]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The problem with breaking up with someone is that they are then free to date/sleep with other people.
Once they do that, then that can be harder to get over, than why the break up happened in the first place.
Reconciliations if they then occur, can falter on who the individual parties slept with when they were broken up.
Some men will almost immediately go get another woman to sleep with, some men will get a new substitute gf as soon as possible, some men will be heartbroken for months and months if not years. It all depends...
You are peeved because whilst you were grieving, and the break up was not really finalised in that you were still in touch, he so easily replaced you.
It is also a trust issue, here was a guy telling you he wanted to get back with you, but who casually and naturally just slept with another woman...
I guess that will always rankle... especially as this was not some unknown random, but a girl in your social circle... 
not easy..

I think that is why I struggled. I guess a part of me thought we would get back together, and because he was still telling me he loved me and missed me, I never thought he would move on that quickly. Although he says he didn't move on it was just meaningless sex. x

[jessiewilliams]

5 hours ago, central said:

I've also seen the reverse, that some men take a breakup hard and avoid dating for quite some time, while their ex has a new bf (or series of them) almost immediately.  Either way, it can be difficult to overcome these other partners if you try to get back together.  Most of the interim people are rebounds - only time and consistency make any of them a new relationship.

Yes i have seen this too! My previous relationships were like this. I guess I was not use to something different happening!

[basil67]

Ah, thanks for clarifying.  To be honest though, there are plenty of girls who have sex soon after a breakup.   It's not a gender thing    

Just remember that you are the girlfriend.....and you may find that she's perfectly nice.   After all, he's with you, so he has good taste in women.

 

[kendahke]

Apparently, he adheres to the mindset of "the fastest way to get over someone is to get on top of/underneath someone else".  Doesn't mean he didn't miss you, but clearly, he missed sex more than he missed you or wanted to be devoted to you and he got his needs met. 

Just regard it as a transaction that he will engage in when you two break up. You deciding to live in fear of the day you two break up and he does the same thing is a choice, not a requirement.  If you can't tolerate that thought, break up with him and stop going back to him.

[kendahke]

On 2/13/2021 at 4:50 PM, jessiewilliams said:

I guess girls and boys just deal with things differently

Some women go have sex right after a break up, too... this is a human thing, not a gender thing.