Husband hiding something?

[Silverzebra]

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post but hoping to just get my thoughts down as struggling 

I’ve been with my husband 21 years, we’ve a child together.

ive supported him through several health issues both physical (he has numerous health issues) and mental (he gave up work due to stress/depression and anger issues) I’ve supported him/us financially too.

on Thursday of this week, I worked from home ( I work in a critical care hospital so working through the pandemic) I had lots of paperwork to do so had the chance to take a laptop home and plough though it.  Our daughter has been doing her school work at home and has been sadly struggling- school notified me Monday and I discussed the call with her dad and how we could fix it.  My husband said he’d help her out more.  
 

On Thursday she mentioned to me that she’d not done well on a piece of work- I said I thought daddy helped you with that.  She ended up saying he's spending a lot of outside/on the driveway on his phone so isn’t there to ask.

 

When I asked him about it he told me ‘keep my beak out’ and he could do what he wanted when he wanted.  I said he’d agreed to support our daughter in her lessons whilst I was at work. I asked that he spent less time outside.  He said he wouldn’t and his free time came before our daughter and if I didn’t like it give up work and stay home.  I said I couldn’t as the main wage earner ( he works part time from home)  I asked if he would up his hours/ find a higher paid job to support me in reducing my hours.  He was very rude/swore at me, but essentially said he wouldn’t and we could both go away.  He told me to leave and find a place to rent ( the mortgage is in both names but I pay it- I fully appreciate that we own the home 50/50) 

Today is Valentine’s Day.  I gave him a card ( he didn’t get me one for the first time in 20 years)  he has put the card I gave him on the fireplace unopened.  When I’ve spoken to him  about anything at all he is ignoring me - when I asked why are you ignoring me he said I’m not I’m just choosing not to answer.  
 

He has just taken a phone call,  his side was unusual in that he was saying odd phrases that weren’t like his normal conversation ( kind of like he knew I could hear and was trying to not say anything).  He has now told me he is going out for a walk with a friend from work ( we are in lockdown, but allowed to walk outdoors socially distanced). I’ve asked who he is going with- he named a man from work who he previously mentioned is ‘annoying’ and doesn’t really get along with.  
 

I feel sick and close to tears.

[Silverzebra]

Updating this just for me I guess 

 

he was out 3 hours came in went upstairs immediately, came back down and hasn’t uttered a word to me.  I asked if he had a nice time, he didn’t reply.  He’s then went off into then kitchen made his own evening meal and sat down to eat.  I’ve moved upstairs as feel utterly worthless sad and hurt.

[Lotsgoingon]

The problem here, sounds to me, is that you have a bad marriage with a bad, inattentive, distance, non-nurturing partner. One who doesn't appreciate all that you are doing to keep the family going.

This latest incident of him not helping your daughter--and having these odd phones--this is just the latest issue. But come on. Even if he didn't do this recent stuff, sounds to me like he's not a positive presence in your life. 

Face that! 

This latest incident was just the tipping point, forcing you to realize how unhelpful he is. Time to come out of denial about how bad the marriage is, how bad he is as a partner. 

[Silverzebra]

Sadly you are right We’ve had rough patches before.  He agreed to The anger management classes/men’s group and things did improve thereafter with that.

I’ve accepted some pretty rubbish hurtful behaviour in the past.  I’ve always been determined to hold my family together. 
 

During the cross words when he told me to find some place to rent- I said I wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage and rental payment too.  He said that was too bad and wasn’t his issue. He also said some upsetting things about he wouldn’t want contact with our daughter after we left. 

I feel so sad. I’ve no idea what to do or how to fix this.  I’ve spent 21 years of my life with this man.  I’ve never lived with anyone else or even alone.   I feel broken.  
 

I’ve no Idea who he met today.  He rarely exercises, the man who he named he was meeting he has often mentioned his name in work conversations and I got the impression they didn’t really get along.  Why walk with him I’m the cold and rain. 

[SMoore]

Hi.

Sounds like an awful situation.  He absolutely didn’t go for a walk with this guy and you know that.

It doesn’t really matter what he did.  Whether he met a woman or spent the time phoning her or whatever.  It’s time for you to get support, especially from someone who knows the legal advice.  You don’t have to do anything he tells you.

Time to dig deep and realise that your happiness will only ever ultimately come from within - even in a good marriage - and understand that you do not need a relationship to have a good life.  I know that can be a scary thought.  But you need to get yourself free from this man, I think.

[Datergirl]

Can you afford the house payments and bills by yourself? I would be frank with him and tell him if he doesn't want to participate in family life then he should leave, its the family home and he doesn't get to stay in it if he doesn't want to be part of the family. 

The absolute cheek telling you to leave and that he doesn't want to see his daughter. That would be enough for me to show him the door. 

Maybe he has depression again, but, thst doesn't give him feee reign to treat you this badly. 

 

Edited February 14, 2021 by Datergirl

[Wiseman2]

Privately and confidentially talk to an attorney about your options in divorce and talk to a therapist. Do Not Tell him. Do Not threaten divorce. Speak frankly and openly with Trusted friends and family about the abuse and more importantly his abuse/ neglect of your daughter.

Get your affairs in order financially.  Talk to your accountant,  your banker, etc. Check your credit cards and accounts. Check your credit cards. Follow the money trail.

Your fear is he's chatting up women? That's often in the repertoire of an abuser along with abusing your child, your money and most of all your heart. 

Ignore him. One word answers practical talk Only. Show zero emotions. Talk to a therapist about your feelings, not a selfish abuser who's camped out in his entitled little world.

Focus solely one yourself and your daughter. Shop, cook, do chores, errands, etc only for the two of you. Stop rewarding his abuse. Spend your money on a good therapist and attorney to protect your daughter from this monster.

Edited February 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Silverzebra]

I think I could just manage the mortgage and bills alone.  It would swallow my entire salary but is do-able If I cut anything non household related from the budget.

im worried he genuinely means he won’t see our daughter, it would really break her heart, she’s a very sensitive emotionally girl anyway- this would be devastating to her.

I wouldn’t be able to show him the door, I can’t make him go.  I know he wouldn’t go and I’ve no legal right to ‘kick him out’.  

Valentine’s Day and he goes out with a random work colleague? I appreciate his entire company have been made to work from home since March last year, so he’s not had any face to face contacts with his colleagues and everyone needs that.  I’ve just been downstairs he is asleep on the couch and the valentines card is still sat unopened.  My word what a loser I am. 

[Acacia98]

@silverzebra, not everything is fixable. And even if it was fixable, you wouldn't be able to singlehandedly fix this relationship. He has to be a willing participant. He has to value you and your daughter. He has to want things to work. 

If had to guess, I'd say he was involved with someone else. He's behaving the way some people behave when they have "options." 

I don't like the fact that he's talking recklessly and saying you and your daughter should leave. It is possible that he's working his way towards asking for a separation. I think that's your greatest fear, isn't it? If it is, you are best off acknowledging to yourself that it could happen and starting to consider what arrangements you would have to make for yourself and your daughter (living, financial, etc.) You'd better consult a lawyer and get a sense of what your rights are. You can't afford to be blindsided by whatever decision your husband makes.

If it turns out I'm wrong and he has no intention of going anywhere, I still think you deserve better. Your daughter deserves better too. From where I'm standing, your marriage sounds emotionally abusive. That must be doing tremendous harm to your sense of self-worth and to your daughter's too. It also sounds like you're taking on a larger share of the financial load than he is and he takes that for granted... Your situation troubles me.

[Datergirl]

No, he is the loser, not you. He's the one who appears to be staying in a situation he doesn't want to be in, that makes him the loser. 

Unfortunately, regarding your daughter, he may just be saying these to things to hurt you and doesn't necessarily mean it. Either way you can't control whether he does or doesn't want to see her so you need to really be there for her if he does do that. 

I've never been married but I do know how hard it is to get someone living in your house to leave, and that was my name on the lease. 

Next step is to find out your legal rights. Ask him for separation. Ask him why he stays if he doesn't want that life? 

[Silverzebra]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Privately and confidentially talk to an attorney about your options in divorce and talk to a therapist. Do Not Tell him. Do Not threaten divorce. Speak frankly and openly with Trusted friends and family about the abuse and more importantly his abuse/ neglect of your daughter.

Get your affairs in order financially.  Talk to your accountant,  your banker, etc. Check your credit cards and accounts. Check your credit cards. Follow the money trail.

Your fear is he's chatting up women? That's often in the repertoire of an abuser along with abusing your child, your money and most of all your heart. 

Ignore him. One word answers practical talk Only. Show zero emotions. Talk to a therapist about your feelings, not a selfish abuser who's camped out in his entitled little world.

Focus solely one yourself and your daughter. Shop, cook, do chores, errands, etc only for the two of you. Stop rewarding his abuse. Spend your money on a good therapist and attorney to protect your daughter from this monster.

I’m a 40 odd year old woman with a job, home and child yet and terrified to admit that my marriage could be over.   This seems like a huge mountain that I’m looking up at - I’ve to climb it and I’m Ill equipped.   
 

maybe I shouldn’t have confronted him about spending so long outdoors and on the phone.  It just didn’t sit right with me. Standing outside for an hour whilst she struggles with school work is not ok.

We have individual as well as joint bank accounts. I’ve checked the joint one and there’s nothing suspicious there.  I don’t want to snoop on his phone as know that’s a slippery slope and not ok.  My head says no way was is random guy from work  

[Silverzebra]

4 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

@silverzebra, not everything is fixable. And even if it was fixable, you wouldn't be able to singlehandedly fix this relationship. He has to be a willing participant. He has to value you and your daughter. He has to want things to work. 

If had to guess, I'd say he was involved with someone else. He's behaving the way some people behave when they have "options." 

I don't like the fact that he's talking recklessly and saying you and your daughter should leave. It is possible that he's working his way towards asking for a separation. I think that's your greatest fear, isn't it? If it is, you are best off acknowledging to yourself that it could happen and starting to consider what arrangements you would have to make for yourself and your daughter (living, financial, etc.) You'd better consult a lawyer and get a sense of what your rights are. You can't afford to be blindsided by whatever decision your husband makes.

If it turns out I'm wrong and he has no intention of going anywhere, I still think you deserve better. Your daughter deserves better too. From where I'm standing, your marriage sounds emotionally abusive. That must be doing tremendous harm to your sense of self-worth and to your daughter's too. It also sounds like you're taking on a larger share of the financial load than he is and he takes that for granted... Your situation troubles me.

Absolutely terrified he is going to drop a separation on me/leave or I will rerun home from work to find him gone.  The comment he wouldn’t want anything to do with my daughter keeps coming into my head and tears always seem to follow. 

i have  been incredibly tired recently due to working long hours and just the nature of the hospital environment at the moment.  I’m also looking after my elderly parents - nothing major just shopping etc since they don’t want to risk going out for supplies unnecessarily.   So maybe in retrospect ive asked him to step up more than I should’ve with the homeschooling aspect.

If he did meet a woman what kind of person meets a married man on Valentine’s Day whilst he leaves his wife and child at home 😢 

[Silverzebra]

21 minutes ago, Datergirl said:

No, he is the loser, not you. He's the one who appears to be staying in a situation he doesn't want to be in, that makes him the loser. 

Unfortunately, regarding your daughter, he may just be saying these to things to hurt you and doesn't necessarily mean it. Either way you can't control whether he does or doesn't want to see her so you need to really be there for her if he does do that. 

I've never been married but I do know how hard it is to get someone living in your house to leave, and that was my name on the lease. 

Next step is to find out your legal rights. Ask him for separation. Ask him why he stays if he doesn't want that life? 

He’s said a handful of words since Thursday.  ‘I’m not ignoring I’m choosing not to reply’  ‘ I’m going out’ ‘ I’m meeting X’. That’s it everything I’ve said or asked he has ignored. 
 

when he went off to make his evening meal it was like he was showing me he was making it although I could obviously see and hear. He was more elaborate if that makes sense- making a show of getting a pan and opening the fridge etc.  Look at me making my own food.   Guess I could analyse forever

On one hand im terrified he will just walk out and disappear from our lives on the other  I think he won’t go  as he said as much when he told me to rent a place.  He knows I can’t make him go and he has a legal right to remain in his home. 

 

Thank you all for taking time to respond, it’s much appreciated 

Edited February 14, 2021 by Silverzebra
Typo

[deepthinking]

He can't afford to leave you since he only works part-time, imho, he just seems to sulk around the kitchen. So  I hope you are realxing - have a long soak

Edited February 15, 2021 by deepthinking

[Lotsgoingon]

Get to a divorce attorney for a consultation. They often give free consultations. You're NOT going to start a divorce--you don't sound ready for that yet. But you need information on how to take care of yourself financially in case you guys end up splitting. Divorce attorneys are also psychologists: they understand the pains and agonies of marriage. A friend of mine visited a divorce attorney who basically gave her some helpful tips on staying in the marriage. 

You can get out of this whole, but the only way is to face the truth ... sounds like your husband is a liability and a jerk. What's the point of being married to a jerk? 

 

 

[MsJayne]

Behaving like this at his age is very, very worrying, he needs psychiatric evaluation. And you need advice from a divorce lawyer asap, about full custody, about him paying you child support, and about him moving out of the family home. Frighten the daylights out of him. No point holding a family together if it's not a family. 

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, Silverzebra said:

If he did meet a woman what kind of person meets a married man on Valentine’s Day whilst he leaves his wife and child at home 😢 

The kind of person he gravitates towards, I imagine (assuming that he or she knows your husband's married). Your husband doesn't seem to share your prioritization of marriage and family. So it makes sense that he'd look for someone similar or lie to someone about his situation.

I'm sorry about how taxing work has been for you. There's nothing wrong with asking him to step up. You are his family; he is supposed to step up if he has time to spare and sees you struggling.

From your words, I get the sense that there's an imbalance in your relationship. He has more power than you because you care about preserving the marriage more than he does. He probably senses you believe you can't live without him, so he thinks he can do absolutely anything and you'll stay put in the name of saving the marriage. The day you stop caring about preserving the marriage at all costs and start putting you and your daughter's well-being first (by considering that you may actually both be better off without him), that dynamic will shift. Take the possibility of separation seriously and start planning for it (by talking to a lawyer). And if you can afford it or if your place of work offers mental health support, try getting some individual counselling. Make more time for your daughter too. If you'd normally spend a chunk of time catering to your husband's needs, shift more of that focus to your daughter. She's going through something and is vulnerable. She needs you more than he does. And he's signalling to you that he's pulling away from the family anyway. So he's practically given you his blessing to do so.

---

I'm curious about your views on marriage and keeping your family together. Are they based on your religious/spiritual beliefs or on your prior experiences (maybe even your childhood experiences)?

Edited February 15, 2021 by Acacia98

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Adding to @S2B's list, he's also super manipulative and knows how to play on your emotions so he can continue living the life of Riley whilest acting like an ugly little troll. 

[Silverzebra]

Apologies if there are typos in this- I’m on my phone during my break at work.

Before I left for work this morning I asked if we could talk today. He say maybe. I asked what that was supposed to mean and he walked away.  I continued getting dressed/prepared for work

ive barely slept and spent the night looking at houses to rent- there’s no way I can afford one along with the mortgage repayments and bill on our home. I felt Horrendous I don’t want to leave I just want to be happy. My daughter to have a family her parents together. 

ive looked up the details of a few therapists to see if they can do online/virtual sessions during lockdown.

I know he can access the joint account, when he left a few years ago he did take a large chunk without asking/telling me and I only found out when i unknowingly wrote a bad cheque.  Our daughter was quite young, he was having issues at work he had a run in with the police ( minor diving offence)  so put it down to being depressed.  During this time he refused to see our daughter.  She’d ask me to see him/she’d asked to call him.  I’d beg and say please just call her and say goodnight but he wouldn’t.  
I was terribly concerned about him living alone his diabetes is badly managed and has multiple other health complications associated with this.  It was only 3 months ago I work to find him unconscious and had to inject him with his recovery glucose.

I’ve a lot to think about and not sure I know how to climb this mountain.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Silverzebra said:

Our daughter was quite young, he was having issues at work he had a run in with the police ( minor diving offence)  so put it down to being depressed.  During this time he refused to see our daughter.  She’d ask me to see him/she’d asked to call him.  I’d beg and say please just call her and say goodnight but he wouldn’t.  
I was terribly concerned about him living alone

Wait, what?

He's moved out before and refused to speak to his own daughter? I hate to tell you this, but it very much sounds like he was seeing someone else then, too. He didn't want her to know he  was married with a child. My guess is that your recent suspicion of another woman is the tip of the iceberg with this angry, emotionally abusive man. And I would imagine you've wondered that, too. 

OP, it's time to start making plans to end this marriage. Holding your family together when he treats you and your daughter like crap isn't noble; it's terribly damaging to your daughter who is watching Mom tear her hair out enabling this man. I don't say that to be harsh; I am simply hoping you will see that this is not what is best for your child. At all. It would do her a world of good to see a Mom who tried, yes, but also wasn't willing to sacrifice her well-being and self-worth for a man who doesn't give a rat's behind. 

[mark clemson]

20 hours ago, Silverzebra said:

I’m a 40 odd year old woman with a job, home and child yet and terrified to admit that my marriage could be over.   This seems like a huge mountain that I’m looking up at - I’ve to climb it and I’m Ill equipped.  

People, even partners who once loved us or seemed to, sometimes "turn corners" in life. It happens, it's happened to people I know. In some cases it's repairable, in others it's not. As pointed out above, the other person has to be interested in repairing it. Beyond that, IMO they need to be sincerely interested in the relationship itself and in you as a partner. That does not seem to be the case here, certainly not at the moment.

While your fear is quite understandable, if the marriage is causing more harm than good, then it isn't a positive influence in your life. Getting it to become positive is a worthy goal, but it's simply not always possible. Your partner seems to have no intention of ending his passive-aggressive behavior, but simply using it to steamroll over you emotionally until you're so "beaten" that he can do essentially whatever he wants and you'll tolerate it.

IC to help get you to a place emotionally where you are not "scared" to be on your own is one option to consider. While I don't advise people to divorce, your situation seems quite negative. Furthermore, from what you describe, the choice of whether to be on your own may be taken out of your hands at some point anyhow. So, better to be "prepared for the worst" than unprepared. And better to "be able to stand on your own" so you can make the decisions that are actually best for you, rather than being manipulated through co-dependency.

[Silverzebra]

I am absolutely heart broken and devastated.  Just had a chat with my husband and my whole world has fallen apart.

 

I’ll be back soon to try update 😭😭

 

[pepperbird2]

Oh OP, I ma so sorry you are going through all this. I underrated couples can grow apart, to to take it out on your daughter and you is inexcusable.

Is there anyone close to you that you can go to for some real life support? A good friend you can trust?

If you don't mind a piece of advice, and I know this will be really hard since you're confused and brokenhearted, but try not to let him see you hurting. What's the saying about being wise as serpent  and gentle as dove? (do I have that right?). For your own emotional and mental health, start treating him like a room mate. Be polite, but not friendly. Ask him for nothing except his share of the mortgage/rent/household expenses. He is NOT your friend anymore, and he will NOT have your best interests at heart. Build a support network for yourself and your daughter. Speak to a lawyer, if this is taking a physical toll on your, pay a visit to your doctor and don't be afraid or ashamed to tell him/her what is going on. YOU have done nothing other than to try and love him and be there for him. Him? He's acting like a real jackass. He deserves no consideration from you.

I say this as someone who had a spouse who was mentlaly ill for a long time. When he was at his worst, I couldn't depend on him. The selfishness was to much to bear.

[Silverzebra]

47 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Oh OP, I ma so sorry you are going through all this. I underrated couples can grow apart, to to take it out on your daughter and you is inexcusable.

Is there anyone close to you that you can go to for some real life support? A good friend you can trust?

If you don't mind a piece of advice, and I know this will be really hard since you're confused and brokenhearted, but try not to let him see you hurting. What's the saying about being wise as serpent  and gentle as dove? (do I have that right?). For your own emotional and mental health, start treating him like a room mate. Be polite, but not friendly. Ask him for nothing except his share of the mortgage/rent/household expenses. He is NOT your friend anymore, and he will NOT have your best interests at heart. Build a support network for yourself and your daughter. Speak to a lawyer, if this is taking a physical toll on your, pay a visit to your doctor and don't be afraid or ashamed to tell him/her what is going on. YOU have done nothing other than to try and love him and be there for him. Him? He's acting like a real jackass. He deserves no consideration from you.

I say this as someone who had a spouse who was mentlaly ill for a long time. When he was at his worst, I couldn't depend on him. The selfishness was to much to bear.

Thank you

He told me he was leaving and found a place to rent then an hour later he’d change his mind and now wants to work at things and is suffering from lockdown depression.  He initially told Me he was unwilling to pay anything financially as he’d need to pay for his own place.  When I said he’d need to support his child he said he’d give me what was a very small which wouldn’t even feed her for the month.  We discussed the house and he refused to sign it to me, but accepted that I couldn’t pay him half his share so I could remove his name and have sole ownership.

an hour or so later he’s not going he’d just been brooding on it and now realises that he’d miss me and our daughter as would be completely alone 24/7 whilst still remote working.

 

sorry if none of this makes sense my fault head is muddled 

 

 

[SMoore]

This is positive.  First small step towards freedom or counselling or whatever you want to do.  At least now you can formulate a plan.

Good luck.