Husband hiding something?

[Allupinnit]

Why does he only work part time?  

He's definitely having an affair.  And he probably tried running the numbers on what it would take to actually leave and chickened out because the status quo is just easier with you, and he's too lazy to actually do anything about it for you OR for the OW.

This man is trash, saying he doesn't want to see his daughter (at the VERY LEAST).  I'm so sorry, I know you are heartbroken.  

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

55 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why YOU don’t want to divorce him is mind boggling!

don’t you want a partner who supports you and lifts you up?

he’s doing nothing but dragging you down!

It's codependency to the max imo. 

[mark clemson]

So - lucky you?!?

You might consider accepting the current situation, "emotionally regrouping", and the deciding what your real "best move" is going forward.

[LynneVicious]

Oh my lord Zebra - I can fee the sadness in your words and fee so sorry for you. He sounds similar to my ex husband. I’m now happily divorced. 
 

it sounds like he’s used to calling on the shots and you go along with whatever he says. This is very unbalanced and unhealthy. Girl - you need to grow your lady nuts and stand up for yourself and your daughter. Tell him his behavior is unacceptable and he needs to show you some real change so you don’t divorce him!
 

Give him consequence for his actions too. he says he can’t give any money for his child - tell him that’s fine and he won’t have a choice when you take him to court. He ‘chooses’ not to answer you? Tell him you choose not to speak to him about anything either and he can direct his one word answers to your attorney. Speaking of...

go see an attorney NOW. Move the joint money into your account where he cannot access it. You said he’s done this before? Left and took a bunch of your joint money? Girl why do you stand for this crap? Sometimes when we get used to terrible behavior it becomes the new norm. So I think this is your normal. But to us listening, this is an awful, abusive marriage. 

Again - go see an attorney now. You canr force him to want to be a husband. Or a father. Yoi can only control yourself. But find out your rights frim an attorney and get out of this ‘normal’ marriage routine you have. Youre still young - and uou need to set an example for your daughter. Right now,she’s learning that a man can crap all over his wife and she stays. Do you want her to have the same type of a relationship when she’s older?

He sounds selfish and self absorbed and terrible. He’s only thinking about himself. You deserve better and so does your daughter. There a well known quote I refer to in marriages like this:

”It’s better to be from a broken home than in one”. 

[Crazelnut]

You MUST see an attorney ASAP. Please don't discuss any arrangements with him until you speak to an attorney.

I'm sorry you're in this position, but understand that you can make it without him dragging you down. Eventually, you'll realize your life is actually better without him, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. He's a bad father and a terrible husband. 

Edited February 16, 2021 by Crazelnut

[MihiranCG]

Contact his one closest friend (trustful person) ,ask is there happening in your husband. Tell him, what you have all about husband.. Then he can understand the situation and link the real cause if there be.

But keep remind : closest friend should be trustful , very open. Like professional therapist ..

Find the is there some real cause? , might he struggles with loan these day, facing collapsed with this covid economy .. 

[pepperbird2]

OP, there is so much pain in your words. he really seems to want to keep you off balance.

I can't help but think that your daughter seeing all that's going on ( and make no mistake, she does) isn't good for her. Staying with this guy shows her that it's okay to be treated badly. Usually it's the parent who gives a child strength, but sometimes, reversing the role can be helpful. If you are finding it hard to stand up for yourself, use what's best for your daughter as a guide. It would be best for her to be in a loving home with two parents, but that can't happen right now. He's made that clear. It could be that sometime down the road he will want to be a good dad, but in the meantime, what are his current actions doing to her? What is all this teaching her?

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Silverzebra said:

 he was unwilling to pay anything financially as he’d need to pay for his own place.  

That's laughable. He doesn't call the shots in a divorce, the courts and attorneys do based on your particular situation.

You need to stop this crazy DIY divorce talk he's blowing out of his butt and talk to your own attorney in private.

Stop threatening divorce. That's the weakest worst thing you can do. He will take all that posturing and get his ducks in a row and blindsided you.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Silverzebra said:

He told me he was leaving and found a place to rent then an hour later he’d change his mind and now wants to work at things and is suffering from lockdown depression

His Other Woman probably told him he couldn't come and stay with her. 

Don't trust this guy for a hot minute, OP. He's not giving you the full story, and will blow hot and cold again. 

Speak to a lawyer. You need to start getting informed about your rights. 

[usa1ah]

Talk with a lawyer 

Down size if you need to. Living in a smaller home that won’t kill you financially is the better option. 
 

It sounds like you husband is realizing he can’t make it on his own. That was his change of heart, not that he would miss the two of you. 
 

It really sounds like another woman is involved in this. 

[World Peace Guy]

It does not sound like he's cheating to me. It is possible, but it sounds more like the mental health issues you mentioned earlier. The real issue, is how you feel here. You need to be more self reliant, to keep your own happiness. It maybe possible for you to arrange this, without breaking up the marriage. You could get the house and everything in your name, not jointly. Maybe even have a room separated off for him, that he can enter from outside.  

Normally, doing this kind of separation, (separate finances and stuff) would be very bad for a marriage. In your case, however, I believe that the real problem is your fear, not feeling you'll be ok, if he leaves or something. I think, if you can get yourself feeling that you are going to be ok, no matter what, than you can just love him, without fear. This, in turn might solve his issues as well. It is entirely possible, that his emotional state is just feeding off of your own emotional state. 

[pepperbird2]

1 hour ago, World Peace Guy said:

 

 

 

1 hour ago, World Peace Guy said:

It does not sound like he's cheating to me. It is possible, but it sounds more like the mental health issues you mentioned earlier. The real issue, is how you feel here. You need to be more self reliant, to keep your own happiness. It maybe possible for you to arrange this, without breaking up the marriage. You could get the house and everything in your name, not jointly. Maybe even have a room separated off for him, that he can enter from outside.  

Normally, doing this kind of separation, (separate finances and stuff) would be very bad for a marriage. In your case, however, I believe that the real problem is your fear, not feeling you'll be ok, if he leaves or something. I think, if you can get yourself feeling that you are going to be ok, no matter what, than you can just love him, without fear. This, in turn might solve his issues as well. It is entirely possible, that his emotional state is just feeding off of your own emotional state. 

This isn't about loving him without fear. It's about the OP being able to build a life for herself and her daughter without the albatross of her husband and his emotionally abusive behaviour around her neck.
I don't know if he's cheating or not, but even if he's not, his behaviour towards her is inexcusable. If this is due to mental illness, the only one who can help him is him.I learned that the hard way.

Edited February 17, 2021 by pepperbird2

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, World Peace Guy said:

You could get the house and everything in your name, not jointly.

That is what a consultation with an attorney is for. Makes no sense to have an abusive spouse as an appendage.

[Silverzebra]

Sorry I took a little break To try gather my thoughts.  Thank you all so much for your kindness and thoughts.

I am all over the place and not sure what to do from one moment to the next.

I can see from the outside it’s a clear what I should do but then I think about it and get upset and think is it better the devil I know.

I confided in a friend at work - we’ve worked together a long time and are definitely more friends than work colleagues.  She was so shocked by some of the things I said it was upsetting especially since I knew I’d held some back. When I say it out loud I realise how his behaviour is not acceptable but when I think About making it alone with my daughter it all seems a scary step to take.

im working a later shift today and he was tapping away on his mobile phone in the kitchen.  Then took a call and went outside.  When he returned he said it was the friend from Work arranging a walk on Sunday?!   He brought me a coffee it’s quite rare he would do so and maybe a hint he’s trying harder? 

He has had several mental health challenges in the past, when we had our daughter he walked out of work, therefore lost his job- when I got upset/angry about this his moved in with his brother for a month. He returned got a new job, then he was late/not showing up got into a mess.  I paid for counselling for him which seemed to help for a while-  we had a massive argument over him using the mortgage money to buy a games console, he stormed off and an hour later rang me to say ‘goodbye’. I called the emergency services and he had taken an overdose and was admitted to hospital.

I want my daughter to be happy.  I want to be happy and have some inner peace.  I’ve started looking at rental places (on line) just in case.  I’ve moved the small meagre savings I have to another place, I have contacted the bank to get an up to date statement on how much we owe.  My colleague mentioned the counselling service online we have access to it’s only 4 free sessions but I emailed them yesterday asking how to register.

 

I feel like this box of awful stuff has been opened and I’m frantically trying to stuff it all back in.  I feel such a failure 

[Silverzebra]

During a coffee break at work I’ve just looked at the child maintenance website  ( as I’ve said he works part time) he has since our child was a few months old.  He told me he couldn’t mentally commit to full time and needed time for himself.  He said his options were part-time or leave employment permanently- so I ‘agreed’ to part time.  
 

Anyway I’ve digressed,  when he raised divorce/separation he said since he would need to pay for his own place he wouldn’t have the funds to support our daughter or would give me some support for her but it would be sporadic.  When I questioned if that actually sat right with him, he said he’d been on the online calculator ( in the UK you can just input your salary and circumstances and it shows the amount you are ‘entitled’ to.  Obviously some parents would decide to contribute more than the absolute minimum requirement ). He said he’d been on and told me the amount he had to pay by law.  I asked again if that sat ok with him- that he wasn’t talking about supporting his child, but what he could legally get away with.  
 

I’ve just checked the calculator and whilst his figure isn’t too far away it’s off by £50 a month ( in his favour)Not huge but sneaky of him.  

I’ve had years of this up down rollercoaster.  When he’s decided to be ok with me we can live in relative peace.  The walking on eggshells is real, but so afraid of letting go 

[World Peace Guy]

Don't think of yourself as a failure. You're handling a huge load, and doing amazingly well. You'd have much less of a load without him. He is a drain on you, emotionally and financially. A drain you really don't need. He is also likely a drain on your daughter, which she doesn't need. Have you talked to your daughter about with him or without? Depending on the girl and age, that may or may not be a good idea. At the very least though, you need to be totally independent of him on your finances and stuff. Even if you stay with him. If you stay with him, he'll still be a major drag on your emotions, but not as much that way. 

Think about this. If your in a sinking boat, sometimes you need to get rid of dead weight, to keep the boat from sinking. Only you know if you are at that point or not, but make sure you don't wait to long to cut that dead weight. Remember, your daughter is in that boat with you, so you have to make sure it doesn't sink.

Edited February 19, 2021 by World Peace Guy

[Allupinnit]

It might be worth looking into why you're ok with the bare minimum from him, in every aspect of his life, as your parter.

Parenting, employment, and now his half-assed attempt at your marriage.  This guy is pretty good at being able to scoot by without doing much.  Is he very good-looking?  

[Crazelnut]

OMG, the more you write about him, the more horrified I am. Girl, you HAVE to get your daughter away from him! Having the influence of a BAD parent is far worse than having divorced parents. He has SERIOUS mental health issues that he won't deal with, he's lazy, and he literally does not care about his own daughter the way a parent should. 

He's a weight around your neck. Not only does he not contribute financially, he actively damages your finances. 

I want to grab you and shake some sense into you. You've wasted too much of your precious time trying to rationalize staying with him. Leaving him is not failure. It is success. It is protecting your daughter. It is salvaging your own mental health. It is strength.

[usa1ah]

On 2/14/2021 at 6:03 PM, Silverzebra said:

Absolutely terrified he is going to drop a separation on me/leave or I will rerun home from work to find him gone.  The comment he wouldn’t want anything to do with my daughter keeps coming into my head and tears always seem to follow. 

i have  been incredibly tired recently due to working long hours and just the nature of the hospital environment at the moment.  I’m also looking after my elderly parents - nothing major just shopping etc since they don’t want to risk going out for supplies unnecessarily.   So maybe in retrospect ive asked him to step up more than I should’ve with the homeschooling aspect.

If he did meet a woman what kind of person meets a married man on Valentine’s Day whilst he leaves his wife and child at home 😢 

You did nothing wrong asking him to step up and do his part as a husband and father. He is just being a lazy ass grouch that could be cheating. 

[usa1ah]

4 hours ago, Silverzebra said:

During a coffee break at work I’ve just looked at the child maintenance website  ( as I’ve said he works part time) he has since our child was a few months old.  He told me he couldn’t mentally commit to full time and needed time for himself.  He said his options were part-time or leave employment permanently- so I ‘agreed’ to part time.  
 

Anyway I’ve digressed,  when he raised divorce/separation he said since he would need to pay for his own place he wouldn’t have the funds to support our daughter or would give me some support for her but it would be sporadic.  When I questioned if that actually sat right with him, he said he’d been on the online calculator ( in the UK you can just input your salary and circumstances and it shows the amount you are ‘entitled’ to.  Obviously some parents would decide to contribute more than the absolute minimum requirement ). He said he’d been on and told me the amount he had to pay by law.  I asked again if that sat ok with him- that he wasn’t talking about supporting his child, but what he could legally get away with.  
 

I’ve just checked the calculator and whilst his figure isn’t too far away it’s off by £50 a month ( in his favour)Not huge but sneaky of him.  

I’ve had years of this up down rollercoaster.  When he’s decided to be ok with me we can live in relative peace.  The walking on eggshells is real, but so afraid of letting go 

Yep, your husband is worthless. I work 60 plus hrs a week to support my family. I have for the past 25 years. 

[Silverzebra]

Just now, usa1ah said:

Yep, your husband is worthless. I work 60 plus hrs a week to support my family. I have for the past 25 years. 

I did ask him during the start of all

this last week ( when he said I should stay home Educate our child) if he would work more hours/ find a better paid job.  He told me to go away ( obv less politely) I asked if he didn’t want better for his wife and child.  Get stuff fixed in the house/maybe get our house fixed up a little.  Our house needs lots or work on it as he is unwilling/unable to do diy and we don’t have spare funds to get someone in. His response was if I want it so much get a second job.

[Silverzebra]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

OMG, the more you write about him, the more horrified I am. Girl, you HAVE to get your daughter away from him! Having the influence of a BAD parent is far worse than having divorced parents. He has SERIOUS mental health issues that he won't deal with, he's lazy, and he literally does not care about his own daughter the way a parent should. 

He's a weight around your neck. Not only does he not contribute financially, he actively damages your finances. 

I want to grab you and shake some sense into you. You've wasted too much of your precious time trying to rationalize staying with him. Leaving him is not failure. It is success. It is protecting your daughter. It is salvaging your own mental health. It is strength.

I feel Ive invested so much emotionally and physically into this.  Almost like the sunk cost - happiness is just around the corner.  What If I say enough is enough just as things are about to be ok.

[usa1ah]

1 minute ago, Silverzebra said:

I did ask him during the start of all

this last week ( when he said I should stay home Educate our child) if he would work more hours/ find a better paid job.  He told me to go away ( obv less politely) I asked if he didn’t want better for his wife and child.  Get stuff fixed in the house/maybe get our house fixed up a little.  Our house needs lots or work on it as he is unwilling/unable to do diy and we don’t have spare funds to get someone in. His response was if I want it so much get a second job.

I really don’t understand men like your husband. So sorry your in this situation. 
 

I have remolded the kitchen, both bathrooms and the laundry room is being done now. I am doing the work with the help of my wife and boys. 

[Silverzebra]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Looks like daily life would be so much smoother without his roller coaster ride.

get your mind around having him go. He’s planning his next meet up with his OW on Sunday. Try and follow him to see who he’s meeting.

it looks like you would have a much more serene life without his chaos - he’s not trying to be a partner to you. He’s trying to be a pain in the butt and someone who is with you so he can use you for an easier lifestyle.

there’s no reason to consult your child - you make these big girl decisions on your own. You make these decisions that are in YOUR best interest.

doesn’t it make you mad that he’s with you to use you?

if I ever had a husband watching me work work work while saying full time work was too much for him - my respect would be gone instantly as soon as he said it - and so would he. 

I did consider following, but he’s told me he’s taking the car to the local park.  ( whilst it’s our car I am the registered owner)

he said if he left he wouldn’t be able to come see our daughter as wouldnt be able to afford car( if had to give me money too).  I said he could walk/catch a bus if he really wanted to see her. Worried that if I don’t give him the car he wouldn’t come see her/collet her.  I’d need the car to take her to and from school and to her out of schooL sports ( if and when they reopen after lockdown)   

[usa1ah]

Just so you know. There are good men out there looking for a good woman.

 

If your husband is unwilling to step up and be the husband and father he needs to be, then I think it is time to leave.