Shayla48 Posted February 14, 2021 Share Posted February 14, 2021 (edited) Hi, I'm Shayla. I'm married to a good man but sometimes I dont want to see him happy. I have been depressed for sometime now and I am in therapy. I dont know if I even love him. I want so bad to be the type of woman that he wants and desires. I want to love him and give him the love that he deserves but I dont know why I have such a hard time doing that when I'm depressed. I sometimes hate his guts. Weird right? I go from loving him one minute to hating him. I dont want him to be happy for some reason. What's wrong with me? I have never felt this way before. I know that I have a good heart and maybe this is just the depression talking but I get very jealous of him as well. He is in the military. He came here from Jamaica and I helped him get his greencard. I sometimes regret doing that. But hes my husband. I dont know why I feel this way. I always compare myself to other women and feel that he would be better off with them. I dont love myself enough. I do believe that he loves me but I just dont know why I feel so much resentment towards him. Edited May 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2021 Share Posted February 14, 2021 Based on what you posted, I can't answer. Glad you are in therapy. Explore this with your therapist. Meanwhile practice gratitude. Think about the good things in your life. Also adopt a fake it till you make it attitude. Smile & laugh every day. Even just turning up the corners of your mouth in a fake, forced smile help improve mood. Love your DH the way you want him to love you. Also find activities that you enjoy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shayla48 Posted February 14, 2021 Author Share Posted February 14, 2021 Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 14, 2021 Share Posted February 14, 2021 Make sure you have an excellent therapist: someone who is both brilliant and who is someone you really like (and who you feel likes you). You need to get some clarity. The questions you are asking to us are impossible for us to answer because clearly you have a lot going on in your mind. Sounds to me like you're out of touch with your feelings and have a history of ignoring your feelings and so you have trouble keeping yourself at a steady place in terms of loving your husband. That's fine. Just keep going to therapy. Get to a new therapist if this one is not helpful very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shayla48 Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 Hello. Where do I start. I am a very sweet person and a good wife. The only thing is that I have chronic depression that comes and goes and has had it since my teen years. When I'm depressed it's really bad to a point to where I lash out at my husband and say very mean things to him. I call him names and feel like I hate him. I really want to stop doing this. I have tried so hard to stop but it keeps happening. I am in counseling and I am going to bring this up to her again to see if I could get help with it. But I know that he deserves someone better. Sometimes I try to push him away because I feel so bad about myself. I dont want to lose him but I cant seem to stop doing these things. Theres so much more to add to this but I cant seem to think right because I feel um...I dont know what I'm feeling right now other than angry, sad, and not wanting to be here. I just cant seem to shake these bad feelings. Oh and did I mention I'm also very jealous of him? He always has everything good going for him. Hes in the military and we live apart. I'm happy that we do because when I get this way I become violent. Hes from Jamaica. He came here and got into the military, got a $10,000 credit card, his license , and much more. But i feel so jealous. It's like I dont want good things to happen for him and it's crazy because I'm his wife. I dont know what to do or how to fix this. I know I have many issues. Theres so much more to this story but I'm going to end it now to not take up so much of your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? How long have you lived apart? Make an appointment with a physician for a complete workup. Supportive therapy is excellent but lifelong mood disorders may need medical treatment. Do you have friends and family nearby? Do you work? Do you have children or children with him? Have you considered that a distance marriage may not be what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 (edited) I’m sorry that you have been struggling with depression and I would encourage you to continue working with your physician and a counsellor to manage your depression. Kindly, it sounds like there is a lot going on with you related to your self esteem, the jealousy, and the way you manage stress. Hopefully your counsellor can help you to develop some healthier ways to manage. Best wishes. Edited March 1, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 2 hours ago, Shayla48 said: I am in counseling and I am going to bring this up to her again to see if I could get help with it. The counseling is where you should be getting help with this. Do you not feel that the counseling is helping you? You might need to seek a better therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shayla48 Posted March 23, 2021 Author Share Posted March 23, 2021 (edited) I married a noncitizen and helped him get his greencard. We have been together for 4 years now and there is no trust whatsoever between us. I feel that I resent him and feel very jealous of him. Hes much younger than me and for some reason I dont want to see him happy. I dont know why I feel this way. I know this is really weird to not want my husband to be happy. Hes looking forward to getting a car and I dont want him to. Hes in the military and has been for about a year. I am mean to him alot because I feel miserable alot. I know that I need help with my own issues. My self esteem is low. And I'm on meds for depression. Alot of times I feel that I hate him. But i just dont know why. He has been good to me. I just dont know what to do. I feel that he deserves someone better. I just dont know why I'm so angry at him all the time. Tell me what you think? What should I do about all of this jealousy and hate that I feel? Edited March 23, 2021 by Shayla48 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 8 hours ago, Shayla48 said: I married a noncitizen and helped him get his greencard.. And I'm on meds for depression. Make sure you follow up with your doctor and therapist. Tell them about your anger and hostility. At the same time, consult an attorney and see what your options are for an annulment/divorce. Why did you get involved in this marriage in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 I suspect you feel some of this because you don't like yourself very much. If you were happier you would be kinder to him. Keep working with your therapist. If you want your license, study for it. If you want a credit card get a job & apply for one. As you start having successes in your own life, it will be easier to celebrate the successes in somebody else's life. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 Well you have an issue that is best served by counseling. But there could be an additional issue - have you always felt this way about your husband, from the beginning? Maybe your love for him has gone down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shayla48 Posted May 8, 2021 Author Share Posted May 8, 2021 Hi. A month ago my depression got so bad that i yelled at my husband and threw his things out. I even sent him hate messages. Sometimes i feel that i do hate him because i feel that he used me. Which is a whole different story. But I have been in counseling because i know that i need help. The thing about it is he agreed to work on the marriage through counseling and he has not shown any interest in the marriage whatsoever since then. He felt very disrespected and I do understand why. Don't get me wrong I know exactly where I went wrong and I do deserve punishment for that. But at this point I don't know what's up with him. One minute he wants to work things out and the next he changes his mind. It's almost like he's playing mind games with me. So I guess we are separated. We live apart anyways because he is in the military and lives in another state. What I would like to know is how long should I give him to make up his mind about whether or not he wants this marriage to continue. Because I am struggling mentally every day trying to figure out ways that I can make things better but he's not trying at all. What to use to dress that I do? What can I say to him to show him that he needs to make up his mind and not just continue to have me waiting around? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 8, 2021 Share Posted May 8, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Shayla48 said: i yelled at my husband and threw his things out. I even sent him hate messages.. We live apart anyways because he is in the military and lives in another state. How long have you been married? Let the dust settle, he most likely will file for divorce. What you did was vandalism, a crime he could have you arrested for. You seem like a danger to yourself and others. If you feel that out-of-control, call 911 and go to an ER. The most important thing is to get appropriate medical treatment for the mood swings and ongoing support from therapy. At best you are abusive and need help for that. Edited May 8, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 15 hours ago, Shayla48 said: .....But at this point I don't know what's up with him. One minute he wants to work things out and the next he changes his mind. It's almost like he's playing mind games with me. .... He's not playing mind games.... He may just be done with an abusive situation. You need to get your anger under control before you can expect him to want to wok on things. But... if he is mentally done... then he's done. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, Shayla48 said: So I guess we are separated. That’s good. This sounds less like a marriage than a war. 17 hours ago, Shayla48 said: What I would like to know is how long should I give him to make up his mind about whether or not he wants this marriage to continue. Don’t wait. Divorce now. Quote What can I say to him to show him that he needs to make up his mind and not just continue to have me waiting around? He doesn’t need to make up his mind - you do. If you are this unhappy, you need to do something about that. This is probably a big part of what you are unhappy - you are waiting around for a man who has checked out to make a decision about your life and your marriage. If you don’t want to wait around - don’t wait around. File for divorce already!! 17 hours ago, Shayla48 said: Because I am struggling mentally every day trying to figure out ways that I can make things better but he's not trying at all. Why are you trying to save a marriage when he is not trying at all? Is this a good use of your time and energy? 17 hours ago, Shayla48 said: A month ago my depression got so bad that i yelled at my husband and threw his things out. I even sent him hate messages. Sometimes i feel that i do hate him I hear that you are struggling but this is not ok. Depression does not give you the right to behave in a violent and emotionally abusive way toward another person. And then you wonder why he feels disrespected - really? It’s time to end this marriage and work on your own mental health. Good luck. Edited May 9, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 18 hours ago, Shayla48 said: What I would like to know is how long should I give him to make up his mind about whether or not he wants this marriage to continue. Because I am struggling mentally every day trying to figure out ways that I can make things better but he's not trying at all. What to use to dress that I do? What can I say to him to show him that he needs to make up his mind and not just continue to have me waiting around? He doesn't need to make up his mind on your time table. You have picked on him & made him miserable for years, Now you are demanding a quick fix. That is so unfair. If you want a divorce get one. If you genuinely want to work on your marriage give him all the time he needs. Based on how you have always acted the fact that he's even considering sticking around is mind boggling to me. So if you have a prayer of making this work you have to let him think. Pressuring him is sure to push him away. Try a little kindness & understanding. By your own description both have always been lacking on your side. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 Quote What can I say to him to show him that he needs to make up his mind and not just continue to have me waiting around? He's not the one who needs to make up their mind. You're the one. You knew he wasn't a citizen when you married him, so you're going to have to reckon with that truth about yourself. I dare say the over arching anger you are directing at him is your own anger at yourself for entering into a quid pro quo marriage. You're choosing to wait around--at any time, you can file for separation and divorce---get the ball rolling, if you're that miserable. But abusing him is not the answer. There is absolutely no incentive for him to want to work anything out with you other than where to show up to sign divorce papers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 Question: Do you have any pets or want pets? Are or would they rescue pets that no one else wanted? What are your views about people going into farms to rescue farm animals? On 2/14/2021 at 11:34 PM, Shayla48 said: I get very jealous of him as well. He is in the military. He came here from Jamaica and I helped him get his greencard. Was your H a rescue? And now that he is settled, in the military, going to get his own car and has more or less gained independence and does not rely on you, you express anger that he is not that little puppy??? If yes, I can't help but I have seen this... It's related to the nurturing trait that women have, just a little messed up. If any of this applies tell you therapist... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 You have to find the root for the chronic depression. Did you have an unhappy childhood? Were you ever molested? Do you have an organic problem? There are many organic issues than affect psychology like the thyroid, parathyroid etc Link to post Share on other sites
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