Snapchat behavior of a married man

[Vivalavi]

First of all, I am not a teenager, but I feel like one. I have met a guy in his late 20' and we worked together for about six weeks until I had to move to a different state. There was a mutual attraction and some kissing. What's worse I developed feelings for him from the very beginning because he gave me lots of attention and was very charming . 

Long story short, we stayed in touch through Snapchat. I don't care much for that app and never used it until he contacted me there. What I am about to say will sound like a teen drama. I am obsessed with his two hundred thousands score. It grows by like 70-100 points every single day. What I don't understand is that we both have those little red hearts which means we snap with each other the most but we don't send each other more than 5-6 snaps plus some chatting. I keep wondering how he gets those points. 

I am also confused with his behavior. He talks the most when he his mind is dirty. I am not on his level by any means. I got a picture of his boxers with hard banana. He doesn't ask for nudes but he mentioned some revealing pics before and hopes to get mine, eventually . 

My problem is that I am losing my mind when I don't hear from him and his score goes up. We have been talking everyday for about a month now. It's confusing and I am getting mixed signals. I am also overthinking everything and my gut is trying to tell me something which I ignore. Why am I even doing this? I am in a long term, unhappy relationship and he has a girlfriend. 

[Foxhall]

Are you prettier than his girlfriend?

[JacobJ29]

It sounds like he's flirting with you, but until you make your feelings known to him then nothing is really going to go anywhere. He's not your property at the moment, so worrying or fretting over things he does isn't really your place.

First off, before anything else, you need to ask yourself why you are unhappy in your current relationship. Address the issues in your here and now, because before you do that you will see everything else through rose tinted glasses and you will make bad decisions.

That's the only advice I can give really - work out what's wrong in your relationship, see if that can be fixed, if it can't....end it, be fair. Then you are free to do what you want.

[K.K.]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

First of all, I am not a teenager, but I feel like one.

 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

i had to move to a different state. There was a mutual attraction and some kissing. What's worse I developed feelings for him.

 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

Long story short, we stayed in touch through Snapchat. 

 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

 He talks the most when he his mind is dirty. I am not on his level by any means. I got a picture of his boxers with hard banana. 
 

😁

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

My problem is that I am losing my mind when I don't hear from him. Why am I even doing this? I am in a long term, unhappy relationship and he has a girlfriend. 

I picked out the pertinent parts and grouped them together. Wasn’t trying to misquote you. 

Not trying to make light because you’re obviously torn up by this but which part is confusing for you?

The guy and you were flirting in real life before you moved to another state. So you took it to Snapchat where you flirted some more until you grew obsessed with him because as you put it, you're not even on his level physically and are in an “unhappy” relationship with your own man. Now you’re obsessed and checking this little hottie’s snapchat heart things (dunno but I believe you) and you’re feeling slighted thinking he’s flirting with others just as he’s flirting with you. 

Yes he talks to you most when it’s “dirty”. Which part surprises you about that? It’s not like he’s going to make this real with you. You live in another state and you both are in other relationships. 

The only thing your gut is telling you is that you’re dissatisfied with this arraignment, your man, and your life. 

My advice would be not to take it all so seriously, back up off the jealousy and find something in your real life that makes you feel this crazy horny. That’s all it is. There’s no relationship here. 

And hey enjoy the banana pics! 🍌 

[notthatintome]

The red heart is good.  He may be taking one picture and sending it to several people in his contacts.  He may have several replies.  I know it is easier said then done but try to ignore his score and checking his social media, you will drive yourself crazy.

The reason why you are obsessively checking is because he is not quite within your reach.  You have a connection but you are neither in a position to take it any further.  The distance makes everything worse because you don't know where he is or what he is doing.  If you are not hearing from his consistently then you can only guess and fill in the blanks - how you do that is to check their snap activity!  

I have been in a similar situation and if you pursue this man then it will only result in heartbreak.  If you are unhappy in your relationship end that first and then move on, sometimes we seek these types of relationships as a ticket out of a unhappy relationship but believe me it is the wrong way.  If you continue to lead this life you are not only hurting yourself but several others around you.  It's not worth it.  If I had my time again I would have walked away at this stage, it may feel like it hurts but how your life will be blown apart if you pursue it any longer.

Good luck x

 

[kendahke]

On 3/31/2020 at 5:23 PM, Vivalavi said:

I am in a long term, unhappy relationship and he has a girlfriend. 

oh, girl, this isn't going anywhere... this is just something to kill time for him.

You're in whole 'nother state. Don't build an entire life around a couple of kisses from a guy who's cheating on his girlfriend.

[Lotsgoingon]

On 3/31/2020 at 5:23 PM, Vivalavi said:

Why am I even doing this? I am in a long term, unhappy relationship and he has a girlfriend. 

You are doing this because it's addictive and a distraction and because you are passive and avoiding confrontation in your current relationship.

Fantasizing about this guy, getting his naughty photos, is so much easier on the surface than dealing with your own relationship. Get out of your current relationship and work on getting yourself together, and this fantasy-distraction will die down.

Flirting with this guy is easier in the same sense that not paying rent is easier than paying the rent.  The ease is an illusion. 

 

[Haerts]

There are so many things for you to work on.

First, why are you in an unhappy relationship? I suggest talking to your current boyfriend/husband to see if there's a way to make things better or break up and move on. What's the point of staying in an unhappy place?

Second, you seem to have a low self-esteem. You're in a relationship you don't want, you're obsessed over someone who you have nothing serious with and you said you don't look pretty enough for him. Work on yourself, if you don't like the way you look, then do something about it.

And third, this isn't going anywhere. He has a girlfriend, he's living in a different state now and it's obvious nothing great is coming out of this situation, especially if you're emotionally involved.

In all honesty, you do need to stop everything for a bit. Move away from that guy (block him everywhere if you must), do something about your current relationship and take some time for yourself so you can figure out what you really want.

I guess that's not necessarily the focus of your post, but you seem to be so lost, I hope you find your way to happiness soon.  

[Fletch Lives]

If he has a girlfriend, he's not available.

[Vivalavi]

Thank you all! My self esteem isn't that bad, but it could be better. He always told me how beautiful I am and I know he likes me. However, what I realized lately is that the guy I worked with is a lot different from a guy on Snapchat. There are some red flags that I keep ignoring. For example... He sends  pictures of his underwear out of the blue for no apparent reason. I don't do nudes and so far didn't send him anything revealing even though he asked multiple times. Then, pics of him in bed in the middle of a day!!!  Pretty much telling me what he is about to do! Who does that? His GF lives with him, but he obviously prefers his own fantasy of someone. When we worked together, he talked sweet...now it's a lot different language for certain body parts. I am holding onto the guy - a coworker- because I liked that part of him, but the guy on Snapchat seems so far away from it. Why can't I admit I was wrong thinking I know him and let go? 

[Lotsgoingon]

Probably because even in his sex-obsessed state, he's giving you a playfulness missing in your current relationship. You can state, "I'm in a long term unhappy relationship" and yet you seem to be compulsively avoiding that reality as if it's disconnected to this current flirtation. 

Let's ask the right question: when are you going to get out of this unhappy relationship? Or what conversations need to be had if you want to at all salvage this long term relationship? 

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Who does that?

someone who acts out their sex life with practical strangers online...unless you are into that then just delete him and move on.

[smackie9]

There are no "mixed" signals. He would simply like some cybersex and nothing more. Not what you are looking for? Then block/delete. There is nothing more to gain, and there is no lost opportunity for a relationship.

[JTSW]

You are not the only one he is doing this with.

That's obvious enough. 

You need to stay away from guys like him.

[healing light]

On 3/31/2020 at 2:23 PM, Vivalavi said:

I am in a long term, unhappy relationship and he has a girlfriend. 

This was mentioned at the very end as a side note. You should have led with this. I don't recommend getting involved with someone who is willing to send sexual messages to another person when they have a girlfriend. If they are willing to do it with you, they're willing to do it to you.

End your long-term, unhappy relationship first and then free yourself to find a guy worthy of your time. And who knows about his snap points--maybe they are boosting because he snaps with his girlfriend daily.

[kendahke]

8 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Why can't I admit I was wrong thinking I know him and let go? 

because you don't want to. There is something you're getting out of not letting go.

[poppyfields]

Vivalvi, the title of this thread is you have a gut feeling but you don't trust it.

So, if I may ask, why don't you trust it?

Is there some other story you're telling yourself that contradicts what your gut is telling you?  And you choose to believe that instead of your gut? 

Like maybe this guy has feelings for you and wishes he could be with you?

I'm only asking because that would be the only reason imo why you can't let go of him.

I think if you were actually to acknowledge to yourself that the guy's only intention is to get his rocks off with you via the internet, you'd feel like the rest of womankind would feel - disgusted and insulted! 

I mean sending you d*** pics, asking for nudes, sending you pics in bed describing his sexcapades with himself?

Guy is a pig imo, and I'm no prude!  Far from, but this bozo has got a girlfriend and he's sending you that sh**?

Total lack of respect, gross. 

He should be doing this stuff with his gf not with a virtual stranger.

Any other story you're telling yourself should be tossed in the garbage.  Seriously. 

I'm sorry vivalvi not what you wanted to hear I'm sure, :(.

If this were me (and it has been me cause I've had plenty of men send me d*** pics and ask for nudes over the web) he'd have been blocked and deleted a looonnng time ago.

Edited April 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[FMW]

On 3/31/2020 at 4:23 PM, Vivalavi said:

Why am I even doing this?

Because it's easier and more enjoyable (even though you are "losing your mind") than dealing with your unhappy relationship.  You're seeking romantic/sexual excitement and you latched on to this.  It's a great distraction from your day to day issues with your partner.  

[Vivalavi]

We worked together for several months. From day one, he was super nice, very charming, and gave me attention that was unexpected. I was in a long-term,  dysfunctional relationship while he was taken as well. I ended up falling for him. Long story short, we kissed a few times before I left for good. Ever since that day, we stayed in touch through Snapchat. At the beginning he would text me good morning pictures and talk to me all day. I was happy because that was the only way to see him. He asked for sexy pics and I sent him some a little revealing, but never nudes. He, on other hand, showed me everything even though he claimed before that he doesn't send a d*ick pics. Not only that, he also sent a short clips of pleasuring himself which I found shocking at first. To be honest, I always wondered about his 200 thousand points Snapchat score and if he talks to other females just like me. We have those double BFF hearts with each other which makes me feel better, but still.

Anyway, back to my sanity...I am losing it because from days when he talks to me all day and sends tons of pics, it goes to where I barely hear from him. He leaves me on open, ignores my questions, or simply doesn't open my snap. I don't understand! How can he switch like that? It makes me question if I have done something wrong. He tells me everything is fine but his actions say otherwise. I get so anxious. We have been talking for several months now and this feels like a cycle - going from hot to cold and repeat. It hurts me inside because I care about him a lot. I ignore red flags, I ignore my gut feelings just because I can't let go of him. Why is that? How can he be like that? I just don't understand and question everything I did or do. Please help me to understand. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

[hippychick3]

When he goes silent, he’s giving his attention to other women whether it’s through Snapchat, text, or some other mode of communication. 
 

You’re wasting your time with this guy. This isn’t going anywhere and you’re getting too invested in a guy who is not invested in you. Move on. 

[ShyViolet]

He's not that interested in you, that's why!  I am sure he talks to other women as well.  Why are you hanging onto hope for this guy?  You're torturing yourself for no reason.  He's not going to change.

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I ignore red flags, I ignore my gut feelings just because I can't let go of him. Why is that?

Good question! 

Maybe a touch of insecurity or lack of confidence?

The dick pics and videos tell you this guy is not a class act, at best.

Raise the bar and want better for yourself - this guy is not it.

[kendahke]

You're not the only girl he's dealing with.

He's not serious about you.

[Mrin]

Speaking from personal experience when I got hot/cold on a woman in the early days (which you are most definitely in) it is because of one of two reasons: 1) super busy at work/work travel or 2) I'm distracted by another woman I'm getting to know.

My guess is it is #2 in your case. I'm sorry. 

[d0nnivain]

You know you are unhappy here.  Why he's hot & cold isn't the issue.  He is hot & cold which is upsetting you.  Your feelings are valid.  So if you are already unhappy before this is really a thing, do you honestly think it will get better if he's not making the effort, now during the chase?  Of course he won't.  So just let go.  This is never going to morph into what you want.  You will be happier & lighter when you stop trying to force a round peg in a square hole.  I bet this is why the relationship you were in was dysfunctional because you didn't listen to yourself or pay proper attention to the red flags that were there.  Break that pattern here.