Snapchat behavior of a married man

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Long story short, we kissed a few times before I left for good.

Ok so what is the plan now?
Texting/video buddies or something more?
Any plans to meet up?

[Vivalavi]

No plans. We both are in long-term relationships. I guess texting buddies even though he said he hopes we would see each other. I don't think that will ever happen.

[Vivalavi]

21 hours ago, Mrin said:

Speaking from personal experience when I got hot/cold on a woman in the early days (which you are most definitely in) it is because of one of two reasons: 1) super busy at work/work travel or 2) I'm distracted by another woman I'm getting to know.

My guess is it is #2 in your case. I'm sorry. 

You're probably right. I know he is busy at work but I also know he is very active on Snapchat even though he is taken.

[d0nnivain]

You are both in LTRs & he's sending you d!*k picks & suggesting you two get together.  Do you really want a cheater & do you really want to be a cheater?  Since you are upset about his hot & cold texts & wanting more , it's time you break up with your BF.  he deserves a faithful GF which you are not being.  

[Vivalavi]

21 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You know you are unhappy here.  Why he's hot & cold isn't the issue.  He is hot & cold which is upsetting you.  Your feelings are valid.  So if you are already unhappy before this is really a thing, do you honestly think it will get better if he's not making the effort, now during the chase?  Of course he won't.  So just let go.  This is never going to morph into what you want.  You will be happier & lighter when you stop trying to force a round peg in a square hole.  I bet this is why the relationship you were in was dysfunctional because you didn't listen to yourself or pay proper attention to the red flags that were there.  Break that pattern here.  

 

Thank you! You could not say it better. Especially the part about trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. Gosh, that's exactly what I am doing even though I know I can have nothing since we both are with other people. I guess this distraction keeps me from a reality of my own relationship which I find dysfunctional. 

[smackie9]

Flirting on the net is not the answer to your problems. Gather the strength to leave or repair your relationship.

Edited June 22, 2020 by smackie9

[BaileyB]

On 6/20/2020 at 1:13 PM, Emilie Jolie said:

The dick pics and videos tell you this guy is not a class act, at best.

To say the very least...

I would not find it flattering for a coworker to send me **** pics and videos of himself getting off - that’s not attractive from any man, let alone a man who I know to be in another relationship.

Now, you know this about the man. He has no problem flirting with coworkers and sending sexually explicit photos/videos. Either he gets off by doing this or he is hoping that this will eventually progress to sex. Now imagine - you are his girlfriend. If YOU have any aspirations here, you need to understand that if he will do it with you, he will do it to you. What do you know about this guy - he is unreliable, he is dishonest, he is untrustworthy in a relationship, he doesn’t respect women, and he doesn’t boundaries in a relationship. Ignore that information at your own peril.

Edited June 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Flirting on the net is not the answer to your problems. Gather the strength to leave or repair your relationship.

Exactly. The quality of your life will be a direct reflection of the decisions you make for yourself. If you stay in an unhealthy relationship, or get yourself into an affair/relationship with a cheating man, and you will never have the ability to know yourself as a strong and resilient woman. You will never know what it is to find the happiness that comes from making good decisions that reflect your value and worth as a woman. 

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It makes me question if I have done something wrong. We have been talking for several months now and this feels like a cycle - going from hot to cold and repeat.

This is the saddest thing you have said - you are seeking validation from a man who would use you for sex, if you agreed. Nothing more, nothing less. He’s not offering to date you (because he can’t - he is in another relationship). He is sending you sexually explicit pictures and videos for one purpose, and when he ignores you, you say “what have I done wrong?”

Quote

It get so anxious. I ignore red flags. 

Your intuition exists for a reason. Again, ignore your own intuition at your own peril. 

 

Edited June 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[jah526]

Snapchat, really? Ex-MM was using that for a while with me too. Very convenient for cheaters since the texts disappear. 

This guy is a User, capital U. Majority of them are. You want respect from this guy? Then walk away and have nothing more to do with him. They only go for the ones who are dumb enough to buy into their BS (which they are quite aware they're shoveling out).

[Amethyst68]

20 minutes ago, jah526 said:

Snapchat, really? Ex-MM was using that for a while with me too. Very convenient for cheaters since the texts disappear. 

This guy is a User, capital U

Then again the OP is quite happy to do the same thing. Maybe  not to the same extent (yet) but let's not forget she's quite happy to use snapchat to contact this man despite being in a relationship herself.

[Vivalavi]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

Then again the OP is quite happy to do the same thing. Maybe  not to the same extent (yet) but let's not forget she's quite happy to use snapchat to contact this man despite being in a relationship herself.

You are right. He is not only to blame, however, I talked to him through regular messages until he moved it to Snapchat. I never really used the app until now. Still, no excuse.

[Vivalavi]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Exactly. The quality of your life will be a direct reflection of the decisions you make for yourself. If you stay in an unhealthy relationship, or get yourself into an affair/relationship with a cheating man, and you will never have the ability to know yourself as a strong and resilient woman. You will never know what it is to find the happiness that comes from making good decisions that reflect your value and worth as a woman. 

This is the saddest thing you have said - you are seeking validation from a man who would use you for sex, if you agreed. Nothing more, nothing less. He’s not offering to date you (because he can’t - he is in another relationship). He is sending you sexually explicit pictures and videos for one purpose, and when he ignores you, you say “what have I done wrong?”

Your intuition exists for a reason. Again, ignore your own intuition at your own peril. 

 

Thank you! I keep re-reading your post and it is helping me to see things from different perspective. Especially, when I want to reach out or feel anxious. 

[Vivalavi]

1 hour ago, jah526 said:

Snapchat, really? Ex-MM was using that for a while with me too. Very convenient for cheaters since the texts disappear. 

This guy is a User, capital U. Majority of them are. You want respect from this guy? Then walk away and have nothing more to do with him. They only go for the ones who are dumb enough to buy into their BS (which they are quite aware they're shoveling out).

How did you end your situation?

[jah526]

43 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

How did you end your situation?

There was something that happened - I knew he was interested in someone else, and I found a picture she had posted of a bracelet he gave her. The same one he had given me the previous day. That was the final straw, although there was a lot of pain prior to this. I had tried asking at one point if we could "just be friends" (didn't work). So I knew this had to end. I texted him a couple days after my discovery, during which time he had not tried to contact me at all. Told him I was done and to lose my number. He complied, but I think he probably thought this was just another of my temporary breakups. I remember passing him in the hallway a few months after this, and he looked at me like he was upset and confused. Well, it's been 3 years now, pretty much to the day. Done with that craziness.

[Luna66star]

This man is viewing things ultra casually which means his communication will be inconsistent.  He's not your BF by any means. I don't mean to be harsh or condone his flakey communication, but what were you expecting from this man?  He's attached, you're attached, it's nothing but fun.  He comes, he goes.  You guys are not dating!  

Big no no sending sexy pics of yourself to a co-worker.  How do you know he won't show them to his male work buddies? 

Obviously he's doing this with other women, that's why he goes MIA.

Please wake up.  You don't like the way he's treating you, it won't get better.  Sadly, he was no obligation to be consistent as you two are just sext  buddies.  He will go along with it if you do.

Cut off communication asap!

 

 

 

 

 

[Vivalavi]

Why is it so hard to break from this cycle? Why am I struggling to admit that the guy I care for isn't what I think he is?  I know that at this point it's a habit formed over several months. Every single day in touch. I am trying to think rationally. I see the facts and yet, I am struggling to tell him what I want for a while now - I can't do this anymore! Have a wonderful life. This might sound ridiculous, but for a few days I observed his Snapchat behavior just to get "sober". His job is super busy and he isn't alone 99% of time. Yet, his Snapchat score was hundred points higher by the end of  work. My co-workers and I could barely check our phones while doing the same job. Those days he talked to me as well, but I held back with replies and type of pictures. Funny enough, he went to the Dickland later that day and send me some revealing images I didn't ask for. I wonder how many lucky ones got the same treat. He asked for pictures in return which I declined. His part of conversation is mainly shallow. He rarely asks about me or my day even though he was very interested in getting to know me in person. Anyway, I know it's my behavior that has to change to solve this. I just don't know why it is so hard to do it and why I let my heart rule over my brain.

[Vivalavi]

On 4/2/2020 at 1:41 PM, notthatintome said:

The red heart is good.  He may be taking one picture and sending it to several people in his contacts.  He may have several replies.  I know it is easier said then done but try to ignore his score and checking his social media, you will drive yourself crazy.

The reason why you are obsessively checking is because he is not quite within your reach.  You have a connection but you are neither in a position to take it any further.  The distance makes everything worse because you don't know where he is or what he is doing.  If you are not hearing from his consistently then you can only guess and fill in the blanks - how you do that is to check their snap activity!  

I have been in a similar situation and if you pursue this man then it will only result in heartbreak.  If you are unhappy in your relationship end that first and then move on, sometimes we seek these types of relationships as a ticket out of a unhappy relationship but believe me it is the wrong way.  If you continue to lead this life you are not only hurting yourself but several others around you.  It's not worth it.  If I had my time again I would have walked away at this stage, it may feel like it hurts but how your life will be blown apart if you pursue it any longer.

Good luck x

 

How did you let go? I am struggling with it. I see simple, rational facts staring right into my face and yet, I am not able to let go. I feel he doesn't care and only plays with me when it's convenient for him. Especially, when he is horny. If any other man send me pictures as he did, I would say he is a perv and block him. But not with him. I feel messed up.

[Vivalavi]

On 4/3/2020 at 7:49 PM, poppyfields said:

Vivalvi, the title of this thread is you have a gut feeling but you don't trust it.

So, if I may ask, why don't you trust it?

Is there some other story you're telling yourself that contradicts what your gut is telling you?  And you choose to believe that instead of your gut? 

Like maybe this guy has feelings for you and wishes he could be with you?

I'm only asking because that would be the only reason imo why you can't let go of him.

I think if you were actually to acknowledge to yourself that the guy's only intention is to get his rocks off with you via the internet, you'd feel like the rest of womankind would feel - disgusted and insulted! 

I mean sending you d*** pics, asking for nudes, sending you pics in bed describing his sexcapades with himself?

Guy is a pig imo, and I'm no prude!  Far from, but this bozo has got a girlfriend and he's sending you that sh**?

Total lack of respect, gross. 

He should be doing this stuff with his gf not with a virtual stranger.

Any other story you're telling yourself should be tossed in the garbage.  Seriously. 

I'm sorry vivalvi not what you wanted to hear I'm sure, :(.

If this were me (and it has been me cause I've had plenty of men send me d*** pics and ask for nudes over the web) he'd have been blocked and deleted a looonnng time ago.

It might not be what I wanted to hear, but I know it's true. I appreciate your words. You asked if there is some story I am telling myself... In a way, yes. I simply can't believe that the guy I've met in person for several weeks and ended up cared for, would be so different from what he seemed to be. He was charming, kind, and interested in knowing me.  His online version is so different. He barely asks about me and out conversation is becoming mainly shallow. He sends his nudes without any warning in the middle of a day and asked for detailed nudes from me. Luckily, I refused. He knows how I feel about those and yet, he keeps asking. 

Deep down, my gut screams to text him " I can't do this anymore" but instead I keep taking all crumbs I can get. I do believe it's a distraction from my current relationship and that's why I can't let go. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like you were flattered more by the attention that by the source of the attention. And it hurts now to know you're not the only one who he's been talking to. 

I also wager it also hurts a lot because your relationship is not good and now you feel you have nothing to look forward to, no?

Edited June 28, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[kendahke]

16 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I keep taking all crumbs I can get. I do believe it's a distraction from my current relationship and that's why I can't let go. 

you can't let go because you don't want to let go. There is something you're getting out of staying in contact with him. It's time to find a therapist and work this out with them.

[Zona]

On 6/27/2020 at 3:27 PM, Vivalavi said:

Anyway, I know it's my behavior that has to change to solve this. I just don't know why it is so hard to do it and why I let my heart rule over my brain.

In my experience, finding yourself in this kind of head space is usually the result of limerence. In my early 20's I had a LT girlfriend who I now believe had borderline personality disorder. She was the queen of hot/cold push/pull and it messed with my head a lot, and triggered limerence which made it even harder to break away from her. 

The only thing that worked was NC and time. Even so, after more than 20 years I still think and dream about her. I'm afraid that if I split with my wife I may not be able to resist reaching out to her even though I know the pain it will bring. Crazy huh?

[rjc149]

I don't know how snapchats work so I can't opine on whatever lingo is going on there. 

I think a guy who sends videos of himself beating off to women, especially ones he's never had sex with, is self-explanatory. If he respected them and was interested in a real relationship, he wouldn't be doing this. 

The fact that you feel this level of anxiety over Captain Meatbeater tells me that you are using your current BF simply to soothe your anxiety and provide some emotional security while you're out seeking more sources of validation. It's not cool. The dysfunctional state of your relationship is not an excuse. This is a difficult scenario to feel a lot of sympathy for. 

The right thing to do is to break up with your boyfriend, let Master Bator do his thing at his own peril, and put your flag up to men who want a real relationship with you. Hint: they won't send you dick pics (at least not before you're in a relationship).

[Vivalavi]

I wanted to continue my previous post about not trusting my gut feeling and mixed signals, however, I couldn't since they were older threats. Long story short - we both are in long-term relationships and met each other at the beginning of this year. He gave me attention that I missed from my partner and woke up feelings I didn't feel as a woman for a quite some time. We only kissed back then and went separate ways due to distance, however, talked every single day ever since on snapchat. 

My gut feeling was trying to tell me a lot back than which I ignored. He was always so smooth with things to say, sent his half naked body even though I didn't ask for it not to mention his privates. Later on, he would send videos of him pleasuring himself. He asked for nudes which I didn't do, even though I send some sexy teasing pics in return. I also noticed that he would talk to me a lot when our conversations were sexual and flirty. If I would bring up regular talk, he would not say much. Even simple questions about his day would end up with shallow, generic answer. 

As the time went on, he would go from hot to cold, repeat. No morning snaps, barely any communication and my messages were often left  on open. That drove my anxiety to the roof. I questioned whether I said something wrong. I ended up getting in touch with him first which made me feel even worse. We used to be Snapchat best friends with little pink hearts by our names, but that has changed. His snapchat score would grow by 100-150 points a day and these days is over 200 thousands.  Deep down I knew it wasn't guys friends he would talk to. 

Fast forward to present - despite my instincts and knowing better, I ended up meeting with him several times. We were intimate and after each time, he was even more distant. A few days ago, we were only kissing for a longer time and when we went separate ways, he became distant again. I thought things were great because he actually talked to me a lot and we also cuddled with him kissing my nose and such. I don't understand his behavior now. When I brought it up before, he said I have nothing to worry about and if anything changes, he would tell me up front. 

Also, I find it interesting how his words don't match his actions. He always bragged how good he is because girls told him so. He said he can go all night long and beg me for more. However, when he touched me I felt like Aladdin's lamp -he was rubbing off any sensitivity left in a girl's world. When it comes to lasting, he came while kissing. I thought this was flattering and cute in some way, though.

See, my problem is that I do have feelings for him and obviously, becoming intimate made everything worse for me. I asked if there are others and he said No. But can I really trust him????

I can't stop thinking about him and I do care. Everything that my gut feeling is and was telling me is pushed aside. How can I snap out of this? How can I see how wrong this in reality is? I know I am being selfish and unfair by doing this. And on the top of it, I am looking for a help to figure out a mess I got myself into. 

I felt lonely, unappreciated, and unwanted with my long-term partner. I missed being in love and passion. Still, that is no excuse. 

Any opinion would be really appreciated.

[peach302]

I don't  get it.

You're  with someone but you're cheating on him with another man? Who is hot and cold with you?

[Cookiesandough]

I wish I understood, but I don’t see anything appealing about this guy at all. In fact, he sounds really gross. You’re right. It is illogical.