I've just found out I have a brother

[Trail Blazer]

First, the backstory....

My parents separated when I was three-years-old.  My mom said that Dad had met someone new very soon after they separated.  That is the extent to which she knew what he was up to.

My dad hung around for a year, seeing me sporadically.  Then, he left the U.S. to go back to his country of origin.  He re-discovered his faith, married a new woman then returned to the U.S.

My father re-located in California.  I had very little to do with him as he settled in his new life, with his new wife.  He did have three more children, all of whom I've got a relationship with, despite living across the border.

The interesting part is that, in the year or so where he stayed in Idaho (where I grew up) after my parents separated and subsequently divorced, Mom suspected that his abrupt departure was suspicious.

Mom never told me of her hunch outright, other than to suggest that Dad was running away from something, and that something wasn't her, because she had largely left him alone, aside from handling the divorce.

So, this is where it gets interesting.

I received a random message on Facebook from someone, the contents of which was;

Quote

Hey man, this might seem like a real strange message, but is your old man's name ****?

I was floored.  Looking through his Facebook photos, he looks exactly like our father!

I told my mom and she looke up his profile on Facebook and that it doesn't surprise her at all and that there's no doubt in the world that he is my father's son.  He's a spitting image!

I've replied to the message and two days later I'm yet to receive a response.

I'm not sure what to make of all this.  I guess my brother is looking for family.  He has no idea he has three other siblings, too.  I suspect that whatever is out there, he just wants to know.

I am surprised that he is yet to reply after two days, even though he's definitely seen the message.  Perhaps he's found it very confronting once I confirmed that he has a brother?

[FMW]

Are you happy about finding out about another sibling?  I think that would be really cool, but I have no siblings at all (that I know of).

Being curious about the possibility that you were his brother and having you confirm it are very different things, as you astutely noted.  He may need a little time to process it, figure out how he feels and whether he's up for communicating further.  

I hope you'll update here on what happens!

[Trail Blazer]

13 hours ago, FMW said:

Are you happy about finding out about another sibling?  I think that would be really cool, but I have no siblings at all (that I know of).

Being curious about the possibility that you were his brother and having you confirm it are very different things, as you astutely noted.  He may need a little time to process it, figure out how he feels and whether he's up for communicating further.  

I hope you'll update here on what happens!

Well, I am not unhappy.  It's not a bad thing at all.

As of yet, he has not replied to my message response.  

[Happy Lemming]

8 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

As of yet, he has not replied to my message response.  

I would send one more message. I would be polite, but not disclose any more information than you already have.

If he doesn't respond to that one then you can only assume he got the information he was after and no longer wishes to communicate.

 

[Alpacalia]

This is wonderful!

I've heard of this happening quite frequently, in fact, a friend recently reunited with a sister through Social Media. They had no knowledge of the other for more than 30 years, and it was very bittersweet when they finally came together in person. I hope this has a good outcome for you.

[mark clemson]

Congrats! I hope you and he can a positive and mutually beneficial relationship!

[Trail Blazer]

On 2/16/2021 at 12:50 AM, Happy Lemming said:

I would send one more message. I would be polite, but not disclose any more information than you already have.

If he doesn't respond to that one then you can only assume he got the information he was after and no longer wishes to communicate.

 

I did just this.  I sent him a message last night.  I was very polite and suggested that there's much for him to learn about if he'd like to, but that I understood if he found it confronting.

I received a lengthy response from him apologizing for taking so long to get back to me.  He told me a bit about himself, where he lives etc. and that he'd very much like to meet me.

We are going to organize a time to chat on the phone.  Meeting up in person will be tricky, given that he lives Colorado and I'm in Oregon.  Hopefully when this virus blows over it will happen some time this year.

Just going by his Facebook posts, as well as what he told me he does for work - it would appear as though we're quite similar in many ways.  

[bananatree]

I just met my siblings too. At first it was amazing, and then it went really bad.  Dumpster fire bad. Atomic bomb, asteroid collision bad.  Basically, it was 2012 with The Rock.

Reuniting with adult close family is extremely emotionally complex, depending on the circumstances for separation all these years. I think you should meet your brother and introduce him to the rest of his estranged family, but I'd encourage all of you to do some therapy first hand and find counselors who are specialized in adult reunions (you can get referrals from adoption agencies).

[Trail Blazer]

Update:

So, it turns out he's just not that interested in meeting up after all.  We exchanged a few more messages and then they dried up.  I'd asked him a few general questions, I heard no response. 

I gave it a week, sent him another message checking in and asking of all is well.  I know that he saw the message, but he didn't reply.  It's now been two months with no response, so for whatever reason he's gone cold.

I am disappointed because I'd told my kids about my newly found brother and they were both very excited to hear that they have a new uncle.  My 10-year-old daughter even made him and Easter card.

I guess there is nothing more I can do.  If there's one thing I refuse to do any more is chase after people.  I will only do so much before the effort becomes unbalanced and so too, does my self-respect become compromised.

[mark clemson]

^^ I actually has something similar happen, with a cousin in my case TB. Not everyone is that interested in socializing or excited at the prospect of having additional family around. Some are, some arent'. C'est la vie...  He knows where to find you if he changes his mind.

[Happy Lemming]

35 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

...so for whatever reason he's gone cold.

He may have been curious and sought out specific information to get his questions answered.

His inquiry was satisfied and he considers the situation complete.

I never like the fact that someone does not acknowledge a communication.  Even if they don't want further contact, communicate (that fact) in a polite way, thank the person for the information and say "good bye".  Mature adults should not just ignore each other in this way.  After all, you are brothers!!

[Alpacalia]

That's a bummer. Well at least you tried. And who knows, maybe he'll have a change of heart down the road.

[Angelle]

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Update:

So, it turns out he's just not that interested in meeting up after all.  We exchanged a few more messages and then they dried up.  I'd asked him a few general questions, I heard no response. 

I gave it a week, sent him another message checking in and asking of all is well.  I know that he saw the message, but he didn't reply.  It's now been two months with no response, so for whatever reason he's gone cold.

I am disappointed because I'd told my kids about my newly found brother and they were both very excited to hear that they have a new uncle.  My 10-year-old daughter even made him and Easter card.

I guess there is nothing more I can do.  If there's one thing I refuse to do any more is chase after people.  I will only do so much before the effort becomes unbalanced and so too, does my self-respect become compromised.

I'm sorry to hear that. I know a guy who found out that he had a brother, after doing one of those DNA tests. He also found out that his dad wasn't his biological dad. He ended up becoming friends with his brother, though. I hope he changes his mind at some point. It could happen.

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by Angelle

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

So, it turns out he's just not that interested in meeting up after all.  We exchanged a few more messages and then they dried up.  I'd asked him a few general questions, I heard no response. 

Sorry to hear that. It took courage, hope and faith to reach out. Good job. What he does from there on is unfortunate, but you did the right thing exploring this.

[bananatree]

On 4/20/2021 at 9:09 AM, Trail Blazer said:

Update:

So, it turns out he's just not that interested in meeting up after all.  We exchanged a few more messages and then they dried up.  I'd asked him a few general questions, I heard no response. 

I gave it a week, sent him another message checking in and asking of all is well.  I know that he saw the message, but he didn't reply.  It's now been two months with no response, so for whatever reason he's gone cold.

I am disappointed because I'd told my kids about my newly found brother and they were both very excited to hear that they have a new uncle.  My 10-year-old daughter even made him and Easter card.

I guess there is nothing more I can do.  If there's one thing I refuse to do any more is chase after people.  I will only do so much before the effort becomes unbalanced and so too, does my self-respect become compromised.

It's a very intense situation to reunite with close blood relatives.  Be patient.  There are probably many reasons your new brother might be reticent. In the case of my new siblings, I had one (sister) who was totally disinterested and another (brother) who wanted the relationship to be sexual.  When there is a lack of context, it becomes incredibly strange and anxiety provoking.

[glows]

I don't think you have to send him another message but I would leave things open and be patient as bananatree mentioned. It would be upsetting not to hear a response and it sounds like you're handling it well. 

I agree not to chase after anyone. If anything, both of you know the other exists.