Knowing you will spend years lonely and die alone

[Keridan]

I love my wife.  She is independent (most of the time), she challenges me and she is beautiful to boot. I want to start with that because this isn't a question of love or her being some villain. 

When we got together, she was ... well inexperienced. She wasn't frigid, but she saved the final phase for marriage. I certainly did not, but I was honest about the large history. She acted open. She was okay with what we could do without crossing that line.

I'm not perfect and have made many mistakes. But I'm missing two things. I don't feel support and I basically gave up sex. It's killing me on both.

I'm smart enough. I can get by. But it's been rough this year and always seems to be my fault. We have two boys and I'm always the enforcer. I also work all day. And she does try to help. But I feel so alone.

I just don't know what to do. She is a great woman, but I'm still alone somehow.

It's a long story I don't want to bore you with, but is anyone else in a similar situation? Have you beat it in the past? I need physical and mental support.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Are you both working? From home or outside the house?

How long have you been married? How old are your kids?

What type of discord and conflicts are there? When did the sex drop off and why?

The best way to start the conversation is to suggest marriage therapy and sort some of this stuff out with a professional.

Are you thinking of leaving or having affairs? Do you hope to stay together and have better relations?

[Keridan]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you both working? From home or outside the house?

How long have you been married? How old are your kids?

What type of discord and conflicts are there? When did the sex drop off and why?

The best way to start the conversation is to suggest marriage therapy and sort some of this stuff out with a professional.

Are you thinking of leaving or having affairs? Do you hope to stay together and have better relations?

Thank you for your concern. We have been married for 12 years and our boys are 11 and 7. I'm against affairs and have never cheated, but the sex has been an obstacle for some time. She has even offered me the ability to be sexual with someone else openly. I just don't feel right about it.

 

She is very held back in this stuff. She does get physical pleasure, but doesn't seem to emotionally finish, no matter what I try.

 

Honestly,  I made a vow when I married her, and I can live with the sex thing if I have to. It frustrates me, but it can be put aside. I just keep running into it.

 

The bigger problem for me is that there is no support. I won't get into details, but I have worked miracles for this woman I love. I just keep getting treated like there is no reason to believe in me. She shuts me down instead of helping and always thinks I'm wrong. I have to be the enforcer with our children and she assumes my 7 year old was right and I'm just a jerk. That wouldn't be so bad, but she shows it in front of him! How am I supposed to fill my role? 

 

I just want to find something that let's us support each other together. I try to encourage  her. I just want the same

PS we both wrk outside of home

[Wiseman2]

Ok, agree you need to be a united front when it comes to parenting.

Unfortunately this power struggle is also a reflection of the overall discontent in the marriage.

 

[Marc878]

This is not uncommon.

Ive seen many try talking, buy cards, sending flowers, doing all the housework, etc. Nothing works. There are some on here that lived and dealt with this for years and got nowhere.

It sounds like you’re incompatible. 
 

you can stay and take what you’re given

get a divorce and find someone you deserve

[Marc878]

As for the parenting she maybe non confrontational and doesn’t want them mad at her.

You said she is a great woman. Not really or she’d be pulling her share of the load wouldn’t she?

[Emilie Jolie]

19 hours ago, Keridan said:

. She is a great woman, but I'm still alone somehow.

That's not how it's supposed to be, however great each of you are individually - sometimes it's about square pegs and round holes.

Being alone in a partnership is the worst kind of loneliness imo, and mutual support is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

Have you sought ways of addressing your / her issues through counselling? 

Also, you said it was rough 'this year' - is there a context to this?

 

[Keridan]

52 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

That's not how it's supposed to be, however great each of you are individually - sometimes it's about square pegs and round holes.

Being alone in a partnership is the worst kind of loneliness imo, and mutual support is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

Have you sought ways of addressing your / her issues through counselling? 

Also, you said it was rough 'this year' - is there a context to this?

 

The answer to your last two questions is the same. Money is an issue. I have been working as a handyman and she has been working a register. We are both carable of other things. We can't afford counseling when our kids need clothes and food. I have managed to provide so far, but it's tough. 

 

You have to understand who I am. When you get my love, you get it forever and it doesn't judge. I have friends that have been close for over 2 decades despite whatever disagreements we have had. Given the choice to step out on my marriage with no penalty, I would rather pass even if we have trouble.

 

I love my wife and we chose each other. I just want to find how to make it work. I have tried talking about these problems and tried to ignore them. I'm just at a loss. I gave her everything. I just want more support in return.

I'm going to be blunt about this. I don't think she understands.  I don't know how else to explain to her. She is not a bad woman. She didn't do anything to hurt me and I don't think she would. But she doesn't seem to have any comprehension of what I need. I'm worried it might ruin us. 

We have 2 boys. I can't let anything ruin us. I was a child of loving parents, but I was also a child of divorce. I just need some help and support while I make sure my kids never go through that.

I am probably not explaining well, but it's hard to figure out how to solve this.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Keridan

[Emilie Jolie]

7 minutes ago, Keridan said:

I'm going to be blunt about this. I don't think she understands.  I don't know how else to explain to her. She is not a bad woman. She didn't do anything to hurt me and I don't think she would. But she doesn't seem to have any comprehension of what I need. I'm worried it might ruin us. 

I understand your dilemma, I think. My question: are you prepared to have a lifetime of solitude and self-sacrifice? How are you going to fix all these deep-rooted problems on your own? You can't do this for two.

I don't really know what to advise you at this point. It seems your wife also needs a good friend to lend her an ear - or is she fulfilled in the relationship?

I fully get and support the idea of devoted commitment and honestly a divorce should be a super last resort thing, but not sure I'm ok with the personal costs you are willing to pay. It's also ok to want to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship. We only have one life (that we know of for sure).

7 minutes ago, Keridan said:

I am probably not explaining well, but it's hard to figure out how to solve this

You've explained fine 🙂. You're in an impasse that you can't solve without your wife's full cooperation.

[Keridan]

48 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I understand your dilemma, I think. My question: are you prepared to have a lifetime of solitude and self-sacrifice? How are you going to fix all these deep-rooted problems on your own? You can't do this for two.

I don't really know what to advise you at this point. It seems your wife also needs a good friend to lend her an ear - or is she fulfilled in the relationship?

I fully get and support the idea of devoted commitment and honestly a divorce should be a super last resort thing, but not sure I'm ok with the personal costs you are willing to pay. It's also ok to want to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship. We only have one life (that we know of for sure).

You've explained fine 🙂. You're in an impasse that you can't solve without your wife's full cooperation.

You are so kind to care. I don't know the answer either. Maybe I just need to vent. But, I have two wonderful kids who will never know the emotional or physical abuse I suffered as a child. I do love her. So, yes, I'm willing to take that lifetime of loneliness if I can't find an answer. 

I have never been a talker. She doesn't even know what I went through. My own sister who would support me doesn't know. She would be hurt to learn some things and it doesn't do any good. But sometimes I just can't find an answer and I have to ask for help in case im blind to some option.

My wife does seem satisfied with the relationship. Most of the time. I have my faults to be sure. But I can't say I know everything aND I do feel like she needs another outlet. She doesn't have enough close friends. I also can't draw it out of her if she doesn't want to share. One person can't be everything someone needs.

I am just hoping to get lucky and figure it all out. I'm not ever above asking for help. Even just your kindness does matter and I thank you

[Emilie Jolie]

51 minutes ago, Keridan said:

I have never been a talker. She doesn't even know what I went through. My own sister who would support me doesn't know. She would be hurt to learn some things and it doesn't do any good. But sometimes I just can't find an answer and I have to ask for help in case im blind to some option.

I hear you. 

This is a very delicate situation, yet I feel like the answer might involve you talking a little bit more about your past to the people around you? This makes me wonder how emotionally intimate you are to your wife, and how well she knows you? I don't want to pry or make you feel uncomfortable, but I think it would be a good idea to perhaps share your difficult experience to someone willing to listen - not a therapist necessarily since you mention finances might be an issue (though there might be help available depending on where you live).

Yes your partner isn't supposed to be your therapist and you shouldn't rely on them for your every emotional need; but showing vulnerability and emotional closeness are important parts of being in a committed partnership.

The more you open up, the less it sounds like it's a 'couple' issue, since your wife, by your admission, seems happy with the way things are.

Have you thought about disclosing to someone?

51 minutes ago, Keridan said:

I am just hoping to get lucky and figure it all out. I'm not ever above asking for help. Even just your kindness does matter and I thank you

I hope so too. We're all on this journey of self-discovery and responsibility together, after all.

It's good to ask for help when you feel you need it - you've come to the right place 🙂.

And you're welcome! As you spend more time on the forum, you'll see that LS is all kindness, cooperation, understanding and thoughtful perspectives 🙂.

 

Edited January 4, 2021 by Emilie Jolie
Update

[Weezy1973]

It sounds to me like communication is an issue. If you need more support, you need to tell her and describe what that looks like to you. If you’re on different pages with how to discipline the kids, talk to her about it and make sure you listen to her perspective too. Honesty, openness, trust and compromise are the pillars of a marriage but communication is the method of applying those principles. To me this sounds like a communication breakdown. 

[Keridan]

4 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I hear you. 

This is a very delicate situation, yet I feel like the answer might involve you talking a little bit more about your past to the people around you? This makes me wonder how emotionally intimate you are to your wife, and how well she knows you? I don't want to pry or make you feel uncomfortable, but I think it would be a good idea to perhaps share your difficult experience to someone willing to listen - not a therapist necessarily since you mention finances might be an issue (though there might be help available depending on where you live).

Yes your partner isn't supposed to be your therapist and you shouldn't rely on them for your every emotional need; but showing vulnerability and emotional closeness are important parts of being in a committed partnership.

The more you open up, the less it sounds like it's a 'couple' issue, since your wife, by your admission, seems happy with the way things are.

Have you thought about disclosing to someone?

I hope so too. We're all on this journey of self-discovery and responsibility together, after all.

It's good to ask for help when you feel you need it - you've come to the right place 🙂.

And you're welcome! As you spend more time on the forum, you'll see that LS is all kindness, cooperation, understanding and thoughtful perspectives 🙂.

 

Again, thank you for your kindness and input.

For the most part, I have dealt with my past. I do have close friends. I don't really hide anything from my wife. She knows things were tough sometimes and wonderful others. I'm not the kind of person who likes to get into much detail on my own stuff though.  At least in person. 

I'm more worried about moving forward.  I want do better. Together, we are capable of doing so much more for each other and our sons. However, I feel like my victories are no big deal and my losses are something to get yelled at afterward. It makes it hard to feel like a team.

She does mean well, but we get nowhere when I bring it up. 

It's so hard to express my concerns like this. I do try to communicate, but she is frustrated that she doesn't understand me and I am frustrated that I can't find a good answer. I want to be closer, but I feel like we are getting further apart.

I'm sorry. You are trying to help and I'm not able to express what I need. It's nice of you to work with me on it. I just can't express it well.

[Emilie Jolie]

4 minutes ago, Keridan said:

I don't really hide anything from my wife.

Your previous post seemed to suggest your wife or sister (or anyone, really) don't know anything about the extent of what you went through, but I realise you say you have dealt with your past and you may not want to delve into it for your own reasons. Ultimately, it's up to you (I think it would be beneficial, fwiw).

 

10 minutes ago, Keridan said:

It's so hard to express my concerns like this. I do try to communicate, but she is frustrated that she doesn't understand me and I am frustrated that I can't find a good answer. I want to be closer, but I feel like we are getting further apart.

I'm sorry. I really am wanting to help you find a way forward, though it's probably way out of my reach and I may not be looking at this in the best way. You say you are prepared to stay married come what may, so for both your sakes I hope you find that trigger that will help you resolve your communication issues.

I'm really sorry I can't help further.

 

[Pumaza]

Hahah was fun reading you,how you discribe the sex part in a way and i could get all what you are saying without you saying the word.😭😂😂😂😂😂🥳🥳🍾You should become a writer.lol

Ok on your topic.... was there cheating or abuse? Women shut down and wont be there till they leave you if there is abuse.As they should. And if there was cheating from your part she shuts down to and can leave.And if she stay its a long road for her to get over it a bit atleast.

But i dobt know what is the real issue of her.In your story....

Maybe you guys should go to a therapist to figure out what it is....

Maybe its childhood trauma coming up and is blocking her or stuff in the marriage. Or with herself. Thats why communication is key.Both expressing what you both feel and want and dont want always.And listen to eachother.

Let her know what you missing and how you would like to have it...specificly. Ask her how she feels, what she needs and want.Have open conversations alone, while the kids sleep or at school. Have walks in the nature toghater. that can open you both up more and relax.

All the best. You guys looks mad inlove.Im sure with a bit of work it all worksout.😉😍👏🏽🍾🥳🥳😏

[Keridan]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

It sounds to me like communication is an issue. If you need more support, you need to tell her and describe what that looks like to you. If you’re on different pages with how to discipline the kids, talk to her about it and make sure you listen to her perspective too. Honesty, openness, trust and compromise are the pillars of a marriage but communication is the method of applying those principles. To me this sounds like a communication breakdown. 

I just don't know how to communicate better. I'm not without fault here. We both want what is best for our boys, but we can't find common ground. She had the example of perfect family (as close as it gets) and I didnt, but I had love. I love that we are different. It gives us strength and more than one perspective. However, it makes things hard too. 

I keep trying and failing to address the issues. She is stubborn and I love her for it, but I also hate that one trait.  I don't know how to break through and I keep giving up to keep thingl from  getting worse.

I thank you for your input. I am just failing again  to explain  what I mean. Or maybe I am failing to understand what you are all saying. I just want to do better.

[Keridan]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Your previous post seemed to suggest your wife or sister (or anyone, really) don't know anything about the extent of what you went through, but I realise you say you have dealt with your past and you may not want to delve into it for your own reasons. Ultimately, it's up to you (I think it would be beneficial, fwiw).

 

I'm sorry. I really am wanting to help you find a way forward, though it's probably way out of my reach and I may not be looking at this in the best way. You say you are prepared to stay married come what may, so for both your sakes I hope you find that trigger that will help you resolve your communication issues.

I'm really sorry I can't help further.

 

You are so nice.I appreciate your attemptsto help and I want to make sure I'm listening when I am the one who asked. It's just a complicated request when there is 15 years of history and you are posting online.

 

Thank you

[Keridan]

M

1 hour ago, Pumaza said:

Hahah was fun reading you,how you discribe the sex part in a way and i could get all what you are saying without you saying the word.😭😂😂😂😂😂🥳🥳🍾You should become a writer.lol

Ok on your topic.... was there cheating or abuse? Women shut down and wont be there till they leave you if there is abuse.As they should. And if there was cheating from your part she shuts down to and can leave.And if she stay its a long road for her to get over it a bit atleast.

But i dobt know what is the real issue of her.In your story....

Maybe you guys should go to a therapist to figure out what it is....

Maybe its childhood trauma coming up and is blocking her or stuff in the marriage. Or with herself. Thats why communication is key.Both expressing what you both feel and want and dont want always.And listen to eachother.

Let her know what you missing and how you would like to have it...specificly. Ask her how she feels, what she needs and want.Have open conversations alone, while the kids sleep or at school. Have walks in the nature toghater. that can open you both up more and relax.

All the best. You guys looks mad inlove.Im sure with a bit of work it all worksout.😉😍👏🏽🍾🥳🥳😏

Thank you for the compliment.  I'm actually a weak writer because I suck with feelings. But I used to wish I was good at it. I do like trying to find the right words, though.

As for cheating or abuse, no. I have never been unfaithful to her or any past relationship and I'm too strong and too trained to ever hurt someone not threatening my family. It's just not right or fair. It's not that. It's emotional distance and different approaches. I also have never been given reason to suspect her.

It's just that I keep feeling like a failure when I want to provide for my family. I want support so bad from the person who is in the beSt position to understand me. Physical, too, but I would settle for emotional only. 

I am not good with emotion stuff. I admit that. I don't express myself well, but I try. I'm sure she has reason to complain, but I feel like it keeps getting worse when I try.

 

I just want to feel close. I want to feel like she understands what I've done for her and that she believes I  (and she) can do more

 

[Keridan]

By the way, it's not fair to ask for help and not give all the information.  My family has no idea and there is no way to share, but I might be dying. I dont say this to get sympathy,  but to share why I need support from her to do more for them before it's too late.

I am a strong and trained man. I work with my hands and face my fears.I also have health issues that they know about but I haven't been able to say this thing to them. I'm scared I won't leave them well enough. They need to be able to deal without me. Emotionally, physically and financially. 

 

If it doesn't happen, thats great. If it does, they need to be as strong as we can make them. 

 

My wife would just panic with the details. It wouldn't help. I've seen it before when I've been in the hospital. I don't want her to feel like that. I just want to do what I can.

Even if I'm okay for 20 years, it's good to do the best possible.

[Emilie Jolie]

10 minutes ago, Keridan said:

Even if I'm okay for 20 years, it's good to do the best possible.

You can't do this on your own. It's not fair or right on anyone, I'm sorry.

Why don't you write her letter, just for her, using this thread of conversation as a prompt?

[Keridan]

2 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

You can't do this on your own. It's not fair or right on anyone, I'm sorry.

Why don't you write her letter, just for her, using this thread of conversation as a prompt?

It's not a bad idea. But I don't know how to do it without scaring her. What if the doc was wrong? It's not sure at all, then I made her freak out for nothing. That's not fair to her either. I won't know for a while if I'm really in that much danger.

 

Trust me, I want a way to share with her, but I don't want to hurt her either. To be blunt, she knew before we ever got together that I had an expiration date. I didn't hide my heart issue. 

But now, every time I have a pain, she freaks out. Not in a mean way. 

I also don't want it to be a shock. I just feel like with the way things are...well, I just don't know what to do. I need support from her to get our family in the beSt place possible. I also want to enjoy time with my wife in case the worst happens. But she doesn't connect with me. She's not mean. She just doesn't understand. 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, Keridan said:

It's not a bad idea. But I don't know how to do it without scaring her.

Your writing skills are above par, based on this thread alone. I think you should do it, and trust her more than you seem to. She's your wife of 15 years and the mother of your children - if one person on this planet should be told, it's her. (my opinion, not an order!)

[Pumaza]

37 minutes ago, Keridan said:

By the way, it's not fair to ask for help and not give all the information.  My family has no idea and there is no way to share, but I might be dying. I dont say this to get sympathy,  but to share why I need support from her to do more for them before it's too late.

I am a strong and trained man. I work with my hands and face my fears.I also have health issues that they know about but I haven't been able to say this thing to them. I'm scared I won't leave them well enough. They need to be able to deal without me. Emotionally, physically and financially. 

 

If it doesn't happen, thats great. If it does, they need to be as strong as we can make them. 

 

My wife would just panic with the details. It wouldn't help. I've seen it before when I've been in the hospital. I don't want her to feel like that. I just want to do what I can.

Even if I'm okay for 20 years, it's good to do the best possible.

Wow what u mean you may be dying????

And you must get open atleast with your mom or dad. Or your best friend.

Maybe cause of life or childhood stuff you think you cant tell no one.And keeping it all to yourself is safer.

But its not.Specially if you married and hace kids. If you really mean you have a deseas that you may die of you have to tell your family. Because that is easier then you suddenly dying and they find out you did know.

Also that can make them be more available to you.Because they cant do something about stuff they dont know.Your wife and parents are adults they can handle it.

I think its really a good idea to go to a therapist.Because you and your wife seems to have a bit of same problem....not communicating.holding it in. That can get you really sick also.

 

[Keridan]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Your writing skills are above par, based on this thread alone. I think you should do it, and trust her more than you seem to. She's your wife of 15 years and the mother of your children - if one person on this planet should be told, it's her. (my opinion, not an order!)

I think I take your advice in the right understanding. I don't think you are ordering me to do anything, you are just giving good advice. And I appreciate it.

 

I'm honestly not afraid of saying it or writing it. I just don't want to alarm her when it could be nothing. She has so many concerns right now and I feel like anything I say will just make her life harder. I have brought up the concerns more than once (both health and support) and she changes. She is usually calm and caring, but these things make her.... I don't know. Defensive? Panicked? She gets upset. How do I tell her something like this without making her feel so bad?

[Emilie Jolie]

3 minutes ago, Keridan said:

She has so many concerns right now and I feel like anything I say will just make her life harder. I have brought up the concerns more than once (both health and support) and she changes. She is usually calm and caring, but these things make her.... I don't know. Defensive? Panicked? She gets upset. How do I tell her something like this without making her feel so bad?

She is your wife 🙂.

If my (hypothetical) husband had a health issue he didn't think wise to tell me, I'd be heartbroken (not a guilt trip!). It's your call of course, but I feel like whatever is going on in her life, this is more important at this point.