Knowing you will spend years lonely and die alone

[Keridan]

1 hour ago, Pumaza said:

Wow what u mean you may be dying????

And you must get open atleast with your mom or dad. Or your best friend.

Maybe cause of life or childhood stuff you think you cant tell no one.And keeping it all to yourself is safer.

But its not.Specially if you married and hace kids. If you really mean you have a deseas that you may die of you have to tell your family. Because that is easier then you suddenly dying and they find out you did know.

Also that can make them be more available to you.Because they cant do something about stuff they dont know.Your wife and parents are adults they can handle it.

I think its really a good idea to go to a therapist.Because you and your wife seems to have a bit of same problem....not communicating.holding it in. That can get you really sick also.

 

Thank you. You aren't wrong with anything you posted and I am grateful for the advice.

Fortunately, I am blessed with a few close friends who I trust completely. But they would panic too. It might not be happening. I have had heart attacks since I was a teenager. Something is a little different this time. It's not an attack, but it may be a bigger issue. It's slow and hard to diagnose. But it could be okay.

Unfortunately, I lost my parents young. Not from this problem, but they both had very bad luck. They did right by me and my sister (or best they could) and it wasn't them who I mean when I talk about problems. I just want to follow that example if I end up having to leave my boys early.

I don't want to share it with her yet. She worries. But you are also right that she deserves to know. I just have to see if it's really happening before I put her there

 

[Keridan]

3 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

She is your wife 🙂.

If my (hypothetical) husband had a health issue he didn't think wise to tell me, I'd be heartbroken (not a guilt trip!). It's your call of course, but I feel like whatever is going on in her life, this is more important at this point.

Yet again, you are right. I have to be straight up though. I feel like we need to be a better team (including fixing my own bs) so that we can make the best situation possible and I'm afraid of ruining that over something that might not happen. I trust her to deal with my news okay (after she calms down) but I don't want it to be about that. I want us and our boys to be okay because we are doing the best we can. 

 

[Emilie Jolie]

For what it's worth, I think telling her might actually be the catalyst you need to bring you two closer together. It's all connected 🙂.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Emilie Jolie

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Keridan said:

You have to understand who I am. When you get my love, you get it forever and it doesn't judge.

 

Sorry - but it seems like you bet on the wrong horse here, at least in the sex department. Not that uncommon an issue as others have mentioned. I've heard it said (here) that while women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of commitment. However, in your case if leaving over this isn't in the cards (and I imagine she's well aware of this), you don't have much of a strong hand to play.

Suggest you keep asking for what you want, and perhaps start thinking of some "outside the box" ways to get her interested or at least more amenable. Not sure what that might look like for you, but perhaps you'll come up with something. I DO suggest you steer very clear of an affair or suggesting an open marriage (unless she's actually likely to be enthusiastically interested in that) as those things have a tendency to blow up in people's faces. So, it'd have to be something else IMO.

 

Edit: I DO think you need to strongly consider discussing the potential health issue with her as well. That's a big deal and not something there's any need to hide, IMO. If it's not a big deal, it's not a big deal, and if it IS, then you can cross that bridge together.

Edited January 4, 2021 by mark clemson

[Keridan]

38 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

For what it's worth, I think telling her might actually be the catalyst you need to bring you two closer together. It's all connected 🙂.

You might be right. I'm just so afraid of doing it wrong. Maybe I just need to figure it out.

 

I don't want her to hurt from the worry and I don't want her to hurt from the surprise if it does happen.

 

The only 'good' outcome I see is not scaring her and I turn out to be okay. But you are right and it's not fair to hide it. 

 

I may not be one to share everything, but I try not to hide anything either

[Keridan]

33 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 

Sorry - but it seems like you bet on the wrong horse here, at least in the sex department. Not that uncommon an issue as others have mentioned. I've heard it said (here) that while women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of commitment. However, in your case if leaving over this isn't in the cards (and I imagine she's well aware of this), you don't have much of a strong hand to play.

Suggest you keep asking for what you want, and perhaps start thinking of some "outside the box" ways to get her interested or at least more amenable. Not sure what that might look like for you, but perhaps you'll come up with something. I DO suggest you steer very clear of an affair or suggesting an open marriage (unless she's actually likely to be enthusiastically interested in that) as those things have a tendency to blow up in people's faces. So, it'd have to be something else IMO.

 

Edit: I DO think you need to strongly consider discussing the potential health issue with her as well. That's a big deal and not something there's any need to hide, IMO. If it's not a big deal, it's not a big deal, and if it IS, then you can cross that bridge together.

Thank you for your advice. I was aware going in that there would be limitations on intimate stuff. I didn't realize how strict, but I wasn't told lies. 

I made my commitment. I have mentioned over time what I was hoping for and tried to find comprise. She is the one who suggested me finding physical satisfaction outside the marriage, but that's not who I am. She meant well, but I kind of hated that she thought that's what I wanted.

And I want to be clear, I have absolutely no reason to think she ever had or ever would cheat on me. I pay attention for signs and just don't see them.

She isn't mean or withholding for some purpose. She tries to help, but there are a whole lot of things that she isn't comfortable with. And I mean pretty normal things, not anything you have to go to a special porn site for.

You also have to realize I fantasize about her. She is sexy and I don't need more than her. Even when I have to take care of things myself and watch a video, I think of her. 

I just don't know how to get her past the blockages. She physically reacts well and I enjoy that she has that pleasure, but I could do more for both of us. She actually seems to care nothing for whether she finishes or not. (Personally, it's very important because a satisfied woman is hot)

Maybe there is no great answer for that one. I can't see it from her point of view even when I try or when I discuss it with her.

I wouldn't leave over that. I couldn't. It might suck sometimes, but I have a family and you don't give up on that easily.

Also, you and other kind posters have all agreed I need to tell her about my condition. I can't ask advice and ignore it. I will try to figure out how to bring it up.

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Keridan said:

You might be right. I'm just so afraid of doing it wrong. Maybe I just need to figure it out.

 

I don't want her to hurt from the worry and I don't want her to hurt from the surprise if it does happen.

 

The only 'good' outcome I see is not scaring her and I turn out to be okay. But you are right and it's not fair to hide it. 

 

I may not be one to share everything, but I try not to hide anything either

Very considerate of you.

That said, it's starting to sound like you don't have your wife in high enough regard to be straight up with her - like you don't trust her to deal with a conversation about health issues that affect a lot of other people?

Most people manage it just fine (no offence) - so perhaps also worth looking inwards with regards why you are so 'afraid of doing the wrong thing'?

[Keridan]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Very considerate of you.

That said, it's starting to sound like you don't have your wife in high enough regard to be straight up with her - like you don't trust her to deal with a conversation about health issues that affect a lot of other people?

Most people manage it just fine (no offence) - so perhaps also worth looking inwards with regards why you are so 'afraid of doing the wrong thing'?

First, no offense taken. You are trying to help any anyone not open to critism will keep making the same mistakes over and over. 

Second, I do hold my wife in high regard but neither of us is perfect. I'm honestly more worried about me screwing it up than her. She can panic. It might be minor. I have not been told a final prognosis. But... based on your advice aND others on here. I did try today. I didn't get to where it was all out there yet, but I tried again on everything from the sex thing to support and health. 

 

As always, she listened to me and I have no idea if she heard me. I do these things in pieces and didnt tell her the big item yet, but I laid the groundwork. 

 

I also asked her for help when I might make a bad choice. (Business, kids, whatever)

 

Overall, it was fine, but I couldn't gain much ground. I love that we see things differently, but I try to understand her view and have trouble getting her to understand mine. But there was no drama or fighting. I was careful not to put her on the spot and she didn't get upset so far.

It takes steps in a long term thing. She won't adjust overnight and I can't just throw her a grenade. 

 

Thank you so much for your input and please don't worry about offending me. I asked for the help. It has to be seen from both sides. I have a thick skin

[Emilie Jolie]

46 minutes ago, Keridan said:

It takes steps in a long term thing. She won't adjust overnight and I can't just throw her a grenade. 

I get it. 🙂

You really sound like a thoughtful husband. 

It's great you managed to talk to her today (feeling slightly guilty though, hoping we here haven't pushed you into something you weren't ready or prepared for 🥴).

I genuinely hope things work out both healthwise and in your marriage, and that your wife will take steps to meet you halfway.

52 minutes ago, Keridan said:

Thank you so much for your input and please don't worry about offending me. I asked for the help. It has to be seen from both sides. I have a thick skin

Phew. Thank you. And I am relieved I haven't offended you - not my intention at all.

Please keep us posted!

[Keridan]

34 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I get it. 🙂

You really sound like a thoughtful husband. 

It's great you managed to talk to her today (feeling slightly guilty though, hoping we here haven't pushed you into something you weren't ready or prepared for 🥴).

I genuinely hope things work out both healthwise and in your marriage, and that your wife will take steps to meet you halfway.

Phew. Thank you. And I am relieved I haven't offended you - not my intention at all.

Please keep us posted!

You are a caring person. I caught a couple of your posts in other thread today when I was between jobs. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that you have taken the time to try and help me.

 

you are also very considerate. I wasn't pushed into anything. I'm not easily pressured. But good advice is good advice. I don't take to pressure, but I take to convincing arguments. 

 

Honestly,  it was hard. I tried to set aside my ego and be open to her points. When I heard something I didn't like, I shut my mouth and heard the rest. I also tried to make statements about myself and not put anything on  her.  I'm just never sure she will understand what I'm asking for and why. We see it so different.  Sometimes a good conversation can go nowhere. Sometimes it changes everything.  I will

l find out when she has digested it.

Thank you again

[Keridan]

Well nevermind. That was an epic fail. I just asked her about it after a few hours passed and we both ended up with hurt feelings.  I wasn't demanding but I did say I needed a path to more and felt like everything she was saying made me sound like some chore she had to fit in. When I said I was hurt by that, she said I just ask too much and then make her feel bad.

She even suggested again I find someone else. She knew how bad that hurt my feelings last time. I know she just means sexually, but I feel like telling your partner (in a closed relationship ) that you are okay with that is just wrong. Even if you aren't asking for the same thing. 

I don't know how to get through. I just keep trying to do it nicely or, at worst, bluntly. 

I am not trying to guilt her, but she won't hear me. I need more support. I don't know how to get her to understand 

[Emilie Jolie]

I'm sorry @Keridan. 

 

[Keridan]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I'm sorry @Keridan. 

 

Thank you. I will have to find a better approach I guess

[Wiseman2]

Has she always disliked sex? You have kids...so?. Does she have physical, religious or psychological objections to sex.

You can talk to her about intimacy and your needs, but unless you know why, specifically, she avoids sex, it will fall on deaf ears.

Have you tried marriage counseling? Perhaps in the presence of a neutral professional, you can start the dialogue about this rift.

[LivingWaterPlease]

48 minutes ago, Keridan said:

Thank you. I will have to find a better approach I guess

Keridan, you need some strong in person support and guidance. There are churches that have paid counselors on staff. Could you find one? They usually either don't charge or charge according to income. The fact that you have two children they would most likely take into consideration, too.

From what you're writing it seems to me at some point in your childhood (you had some problems with mistreatment, I believe) you have learned to walk on egg shells, setting your own needs aside.

IMO, it's not OK that your sexual needs are being unmet by your wife. That needs addressing in a serious way. It sounds to me as if she turns a deaf ear to all you're sharing with her. You write so kindly about her but she's not treating you well. You need to hear that. You both need help communicating with each other.

You really need to find someone through a church, social services, or even a regular counselor who may see you at a reduced rate. Another option may be to barter. Most people need some help with their homes and there may be a counselor you could barter with.

From the way you write, you sound like a dream husband to me in most ways. I know you're not perfect, no one is. But, many men would be out the door so fast to find someone to sleep with were they treated as you're being treated. And especially since your wife offered it.

However, she knows you and knows you have too much integrity to do that. It would make things much worse. But you DO need to find support in the form of someone who is experienced in working with counseling. You can't afford not to. You'd be doing it for your boys, if not for yourself.

[Keridan]

1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Keridan, you need some strong in person support and guidance. There are churches that have paid counselors on staff. Could you find one? They usually either don't charge or charge according to income. The fact that you have two children they would most likely take into consideration, too.

From what you're writing it seems to me at some point in your childhood (you had some problems with mistreatment, I believe) you have learned to walk on egg shells, setting your own needs aside.

IMO, it's not OK that your sexual needs are being unmet by your wife. That needs addressing in a serious way. It sounds to me as if she turns a deaf ear to all you're sharing with her. You write so kindly about her but she's not treating you well. You need to hear that. You both need help communicating with each other.

You really need to find someone through a church, social services, or even a regular counselor who may see you at a reduced rate. Another option may be to barter. Most people need some help with their homes and there may be a counselor you could barter with.

From the way you write, you sound like a dream husband to me in most ways. I know you're not perfect, no one is. But, many men would be out the door so fast to find someone to sleep with were they treated as you're being treated. And especially since your wife offered it.

However, she knows you and knows you have too much integrity to do that. It would make things much worse. But you DO need to find support in the form of someone who is experienced in working with counseling. You can't afford not to. You'd be doing it for your boys, if not for yourself.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. 

I don't want to give the wrong impression. I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind standing up for himself, but my physical abilities and my demeanor can be scary. It's not fair to use that imo. I only do when I'm being put in a situation that requires it. It took me a long time to learn that I scare people when I get angry. I'm so calm most of the time, but a rage does burn inside. I don't see it, but I guess I'm intimidating when I get mad.

I work hard to be firm, but not scary. Even my wife who knows by now I would never hurt her gets scared when I look truly angry. So I try to keep anything from getting nasty. I don't want to scare her or anyone else.

Thank you for your advice. I had not thought of seeking help from a church. She is catholic and I ... Well I want to be a better catholic, but I was raised by two atheists. There are a couple local churches we like. Maybe we can find help there. 

As for how she treats me, remember you only hear my side here. She means well. She loves our children so much. We have problems, but she isn't mean to me. Something just isn't working and I don't know what to do. I can't get across what I need, maybe. 

Again, your words were very sweet and your idea was a good one. I thank you for taking the time to share.

[Keridan]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has she always disliked sex? You have kids...so?. Does she have physical, religious or psychological objections to sex.

You can talk to her about intimacy and your needs, but unless you know why, specifically, she avoids sex, it will fall on deaf ears.

Have you tried marriage counseling? Perhaps in the presence of a neutral professional, you can start the dialogue about this rift.

Thank you for your interest. It's not that she dislikes sex. She just doesn't care about it. She finishes (to be blunt, way more than I do). She seems in a better mood after. She just sees it as something that has to be done and she can live without it.

That means I'm always the instigator and I feel like it's a chore for her (hence me not always finishing before getting frustrated).

I don't think I ask much. Just enjoying it together.

With two kids, I go through a lot of effort to make it happen. We don't have a huge space and she doesn't like when we leave them awake. So I tried to work out late time. Then it was that she didn't like when the kids might wake up near us, so I set up the couch and move my youngest and set a fire. Then it was something else.

I don't mean she says no or seems turned off, but she really doesn't see it as any kind of priority. She is willing and physically responds but even with that, she won't try new things. There is a limited list we must stick with and if I can't finish without trying something new, I'm out of luck. And we are talking basics here. A new position takes coercing for a long time.

I have trouble finding a professional for financial reasons and I don't know if she will go. But a couple people gave me advice that might work to find one. 

I have no idea if it will work, but it's worth a shot if she will go with me.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Keridan said:

 

I don't mean she says no or seems turned off.. She is willing and physically responds but even with that, she won't try new things. 

Ok, so you are not deprived of sex, you just want more than standard missionary wifely duty type of sex.

It would help if you created more privacy and romance than trying for more adventure when the kids are around.

Babysitters, kids at friends/ relatives, etc..

 

[Keridan]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, so you are not deprived of sex, you just want more than standard missionary wifely duty type of sex.

It would help if you created more privacy and romance than trying for more adventure when the kids are around.

Babysitters, kids at friends/ relatives, etc..

 

I get why it seems that way from my posts. I don't want to give the wrong impression about the problem or just blame her.

However, because she sees it in the light that she does, I get turned down a lot. Even when I make arrangements for the kids.

We even discussed that today and I offered options for help with them. Of course, to be honest, at the time I was asking for date night, not sex. 

I'm not starved and she's not evil, but she doesn't get into it. And I really don't think it's me. She just isn't as physical as I believed before marriage. She doesn't seem to be into anyone else.  She just doesn't feel like sex is important. She doesn't turn her head at a hot guy. She doesn't flirt. 

I don't know how to explain it. She physically enjoys it but mentally doesn't engage. It's odd.

I'm not saying I'm some "God in the sack" but I have experience. I have been with women who couldn't orgasm and ones who needed a dozen to get through the night. She isn't faking, but she just doesn't care. I have no idea how else to put it.

She does help, but she does it on her schedule and I end up feeling guilty for asking. It isn't near often enough if I'm honest, but we make compromises. But we have stopped making any progress.

I don't need her to be into everything I fantasize, but I need to know we are trying to share that physical bond in more ways. I just want a path forward. I want support physically and emotionally when I don't have to feel like I'm some chore to be handled.

I know it sounds silly from someone who might not be be here in a year, but I just want progress. 

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, Keridan said:

She even suggested again I find someone else. She knew how bad that hurt my feelings last time. I know she just means sexually, but I feel like telling your partner (in a closed relationship ) that you are okay with that is just wrong. Even if you aren't asking for the same thing.

I've heard (here) that women do a lot of "indirect communication". I think this is essentially a way of saying "no".  I think that if you actually tried to take her up on this offer, it would be a very different story (and mostly likely a negative one). But she's well aware you're not interested in that, so she feels free/safe to suggest it.

This is NOT a suggestion or recommendation, but IF you up and discussed leaving, she MIGHT change her tune. Then again, she MIGHT call your bluff, so it's probably not worth it, unless you were actually serious, as you would lose even more "respect"/standing in her eyes by then backing down.

Wish I had some great suggestion for you, but honestly I don't. My read is that she's not trying to make you feel neglected/frustrated or anything, she's just is who she is...

[Keridan]

22 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I've heard (here) that women do a lot of "indirect communication". I think this is essentially a way of saying "no".  I think that if you actually tried to take her up on this offer, it would be a very different story (and mostly likely a negative one). But she's well aware you're not interested in that, so she feels free/safe to suggest it.

This is NOT a suggestion or recommendation, but IF you up and discussed leaving, she MIGHT change her tune. Then again, she MIGHT call your bluff, so it's probably not worth it, unless you were actually serious, as you would lose even more "respect"/standing in her eyes by then backing down.

Wish I had some great suggestion for you, but honestly I don't. My read is that she's not trying to make you feel neglected/frustrated or anything, she's just is who she is...

I think you are right. It's not out of cruelty or dishonest behavior. We just can't seem to find common ground on this. She and I have different needs.

 I'm not interested i bluffing tbh. I know you weren't pushing it too. But this has to be honest interactions. I'm frustrated by the sex thing, but I'm far more worried about support in general. I can't get that by playing games.

I think we have to find a better compromise. We openly admit to each other that our needs are different and I think we understand what each wants, but we can't seem to find common ground.

I really don't like it, but I can set the sex thing aside. That's not the most important part of marriage. I just wish we were finding a better way to work as a team with all the challenges we face. Kids, this insane year, finances. We aren't functioning at our best.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your input

[Weezy1973]

6 minutes ago, Keridan said:

Kids, this insane year, finances. We aren't functioning at our best.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your input

These are all important issues, but you’re going to have to communicate to her what that support looks like. How would it look to you to be working as a team? Our partners aren’t mind readers, and communicating can be hard as it makes us vulnerable, but there’s really no other way through it. You can tell her you thoughts, and even suggest coming up with a budget together, or a plan to improve jobs in the future. Bring up your differing discipline styles with the kids and try to come up with a compromise so you can present a united front. But without talking about it, without blame or anger, you won’t be able to move forward.

[Emilie Jolie]

11 hours ago, Keridan said:

Even my wife who knows by now I would never hurt her gets scared when I look truly angry.

Interesting (but not in a good way - sorry!).

11 hours ago, Keridan said:

so I set up the couch and move my youngest and set a fire.

Interesting also. But mostly unsafe and bad parenting (so sorry!)

10 hours ago, Keridan said:

She isn't faking, but she just doesn't care. I have no idea how else to put it.

I think you put it just fine (so so sorry!)

10 hours ago, Keridan said:

I know it sounds silly from someone who might not be be here in a year, but I just want progress. 

And who wouldn't. Of course you want progress! Have your medical team been able to give you an update on your condition?

Thank you so much for keeping us updated @Keridan. Finding common ground and support in a relationship is so important! It's a pleasant surprise to see a husband so committed to making things work in the face of so much adversity!

[Keridan]

33 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

These are all important issues, but you’re going to have to communicate to her what that support looks like. How would it look to you to be working as a team? Our partners aren’t mind readers, and communicating can be hard as it makes us vulnerable, but there’s really no other way through it. You can tell her you thoughts, and even suggest coming up with a budget together, or a plan to improve jobs in the future. Bring up your differing discipline styles with the kids and try to come up with a compromise so you can present a united front. But without talking about it, without blame or anger, you won’t be able to move forward.

I do get angry, but I'm not a child about it. I tell her I'm upset and why without blame. She is pretty good at returning that respect. It's not a matter of being angry with each other, to be sure. I will admit I don't feel loved a lot of the time, but I'm sure she would say the same. We just get frustrated that we see things so differently on a lot of life issues. It's both our strength and our weakness.

I think I have to be blunt with her about all that's going on. I prefer to ease her into big issues, but my approach isn't working. She means well, but she will just set everything aside if it's not clearly in her face. Its hard to do without overwhelming someone though.

Thank you so much for your input. What I'm doing is looking for ideas and everything helps a lot.

[Keridan]

 

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Interesting (but not in a good way - sorry!).

Interesting also. But mostly unsafe and bad parenting (so sorry!)

I think you put it just fine (so so sorry!)

And who wouldn't. Of course you want progress! Have your medical team been able to give you an update on your condition?

Thank you so much for keeping us updated @Keridan. Finding common ground and support in a relationship is so important! It's a pleasant surprise to see a husband so committed to making things work in the face of so much adversity!

Again, your kindness means a lot. I am so desperate to fix this. 

I'm not sure I was clear about the kids. It was a matter of keeping them in a separate space and trying to set a mood. By fire, I meant in the fireplace. And my kid sleeps like a log. He doesn't wake up if I move him.

Unfortunately, my doc hasn't made progress and may not. In years of care and many docs, they still don't even know why I have had heart attacks. Not sure if they they ever will give me a good answer. The best I have even gotten is that it beats to strongly and can actually strangle the atereries. Oh well. I have gotten used to not knowing. I'm totally hoping for the best, but it always feels like guess work.

I very much appreciate the support you've shared already. I hope you know that you are a kind person and that is a great thing