Knowing you will spend years lonely and die alone

[Keridan]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Good luck either way.

Thank you again for all your input. I will try to update.

[Keridan]

I feel like a jerk today. She has valid points and I'm screwing things up. It's not all on me and she isn't saying we can't fix things if we try. 

I haven't had luck yet finding a counselor, but I have started trying.

There is communication and she is trying. She wants to make it work. I want to make it work. But I am hurting and I can't express it without hurting her and I don't want that.

In all bluntness, I am failing and I don't know what to do. I have responsibilities I am not meeting. I'm used to challenges, but I feel like I'm failing the most important one.

I can't get help because I don't know how to make clear what I'm going through. I'm depressed for the first time in many years.

I want to stress again that it is not her fault. I have my issues with the relationship, but she is at least trying and being honest with me. It hurts to hear what she thinks of me. But she is giving her honest assessment. I can't answer without her feeling as hurt as I am or worse.

Maybe it hurts because she is right. I would be a fool not to consider that. 

I just don't know how to explain. I need her to be happy. Especially for my sons. 

I just suck at saying why I hurt without hurting her. I don't know why. I guess I just never learned how to share the right way. 

I want to do better

[Keridan]

So I have been depressed many times. But right now it is over the top. I dont   want to be all melodramatic, but I'm seriously considering ending myself. I am hoping I just am going through a tough moment. We all do sometimes. 

But I can't shake this one. 

I suck at talking about my own stuff. That's just the truth. I have close friends who are very smart and know I'm hurting. They keep trying to help, but I can't being myself to lay it all out.

I need to know where to go. I can't afford regular counseling and my church can't help me. 

It's so hard when you can't answer questions about yourself without feeling like a weak idiot. I don't know where to start even.

Have any of you felt this way? What did you do? 

[Alpacalia]

You're not a "weak idiot", you're going through a tough time so it's only natural for things to feel overwhelming and hopeless.

Try doing a google search for free or low-cost counseling in your area that offer services based on low-income or based on a sliding scale.  Also, check if there are community mental health clinics or support groups in your area. You can even ask a friend/family member to help you.

Keep posting and hang in there!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Keridan said:

So I have been depressed many times. But right now it is over the top. I dont   want to be all melodramatic, but I'm seriously considering ending myself.

Regular counseling won't help in severe suicidal depression. You need to see a physician.

Your regular medical insurance covers that so it's odd you are talking about churches and counseling.

Start with calling a crisis hotline, they'll be able to direct you to the appropriate medical care/facility.

If you feel acutely suicidal you need to go to an ER. This is not a 'talk to friends, talk to pastors, talk therapy' situation.

Those are for follow up and support after appropriate emergency medical intervention.

Were you ever in medications for the moods? If so, why were they discontinued.

 

Edited January 11, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, Keridan said:

I'm seriously considering ending myself.

Don't. Here's the national suicide crisis line 800-273-8255 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

3 hours ago, Keridan said:

Have any of you felt this way? What did you do? 

Yes. I called the crisis hotline then told my son and a friend who gave me the number of a very good counselling center in town. I didn't actually need many sessions to get back on track, and it was free as part of some special funding since I was affected by Harvey disaster. 

There are similar funded projects around now relating to the Covid pandemic.

I also saw a psychiatrist doctor who diagnosed anxiety disorder, which we treated the physical symptoms with heart meds low dose. And I took up a healthy lifestyle, holistic living. 

Avoid alcohol. I found it created mood swings to deep melancholy. 

Thinking of you, people care. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

 

 

[Keridan]

Okay, so I'm not looking to fix things here. I'm looking to learn how to cope. 

I'm in a dead marriage and have kids. I have years ahead of me. I will be lonely that whole time. 

 

How do you deal with knowing that? 

[mark clemson]

If you're committed to staying in the marriage, keep trying things to fix it. People change over time and you and your husband might "grow back together" at some point. You can even attempt to "direct" the growth. However, quite frankly, the odds are NOT good, so this is more a Hail Mary/can't think of anything else effort than something to pin your hopes on.

Rather than focusing on the negatives, make the best life you can out of what you have. Don't let your marriage stop you from enjoying your life. Develop hobbies, interests, and social groups. None of this will make up completely for "feeling lonely in a crowd" but it will probably help.

Seek out IC so that you are in a place mentally where you are inwardly happy and not seeking it FROM the marriage/partner. This is easier said than done, but look for a very experienced therapist who seems to understand what you are looking for.

All of the above said, if it was me, I think I'd probably leave, but that isn't for everyone.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Keridan said:

Okay, so I'm not looking to fix things here. I'm looking to learn how to cope. 

I'm in a dead marriage and have kids. I have years ahead of me. I will be lonely that whole time. 

 

How do you deal with knowing that? 

I think it would help if you had something separate that sustained you: if you're religious, it could be an activity related to your religious community/greater involvement in your religion. Alternatively, you could try individual counselling. If neither of those is for you, you could enrol for continuing education classes, maybe even gradually work towards a degree.

My thinking is that if you have something separate from your relationship with your husband that gives you a sense of identity and strengthens you emotionally or spiritually, you will be in a better position to cope with the limitations of your married life. 

You have all my sympathy.

Edited February 15, 2021 by Acacia98

[Cheryl123]

15 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I think it would help if you had something separate that sustained you: if you're religious, it could be an activity related to your religious community/greater involvement in your religion. Alternatively, you could try individual counselling. If neither of those is for you, you could enrol for continuing education classes, maybe even gradually work towards a degree.

My thinking is that if you have something separate from your relationship with your husband that gives you a sense of identity and strengthens you emotionally or spiritually, you will be in a better position to cope with the limitations of your married life. 

You have all my sympathy.

The only person who decides if you're alone is you. And remember this, something's are just wrong and how a person choses to handle the wrong in behavior towards them, it's out of your control. 

[notbroken]

One way to cope is to look on the bright side.  You are alive.  There are so many great places and things in the world.  Being single gives you the freedom to do and go where you want, enjoy life on your terms, live where you want, etc.   Being single can be great.   Want to go to the gym at midnight? Go ahead!  Want to ride bicycles at 10PM?  Go ahead!  Want to eat ice cream for dinner?  Go ahead!   

However, I have to ask.  Why must you be alone if you divorce?  Lots of people (me included) have divorced and gone on to find other rewarding relationships.  Divorce does not have to equal you are alone the rest of your life unless you just want to be.    It is not a be miserable until you die sentence.   

 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Keridan said:

Okay, so I'm not looking to fix things here. I'm looking to learn how to cope. 

I'm in a dead marriage and have kids. I have years ahead of me. I will be lonely that whole time. 

 

How do you deal with knowing that? 

If you don't want to do anything to fix your marriage why are you seeking advice on how to cope? 

[Keridan]

You have all given good advice for such a vague post. I probably should mention that I'm the husband in a straight marriage in case that changes anything.

I have tried for years to fix things. She won't even go to counseling. She would rather I find a side girl than love me.

We are together for two reasons and they both have names. My sons made this a permanent situation. 

But I'm lonely and I will be the rest of my life. It's hard to accept

[Calendula]

Providing more details about your situation does help the community give you better feedback and advice. The first thing that always helps me with coping with something unpleasant is to find a way to itemize and fully acknowledge every aspect of the situation I'm trying to cope with. You can't accept or deal with something that you're avoiding thinking about or pretending isn't real. However unpleasant the truths of your life, you have to first acknowledge them as they are in order to initiate the process of full acceptance. You say you're not looking to "fix things" about your situation, and that may well be, but you do seem to want to change, "to fix" the way you view your situation. If you want feedback on this it may help for you to answer some or all of the following questions.

1. How old are you and your wife and how old are your two sons? Age matters in this instance. Would your perspective on staying in the marriage be different if they were older?
2. Why do you feel that being married to your wife is important for your children? 
3. How would you describe a typical day or your typical home environment and interaction with your wife and children? If there is active conflict rather than indifference it may be that you should also consider trying to find ways to change the home environment rather than just coping on your own or finding ways of ignoring your situation. 
4. What do you typically do to cope with an unpleasant situation? Have you tried any of these things and if so, how well did they help?
5. What new methods of coping have you thought to try but have yet to execute for some reason? Why might be the reason for your hesitancy?
6. Do you and your wife both work full time (normally) or does one of you stay home with the boys and the other spend the day at work?
7. How is your relationship with your wife different now than it was when you first got married. Logically, there must be something that connected you back when you first started hanging out, and then something that induced you to get married (perhaps she got unexpectedly pregnant?), and then those things subsequently changed. What do you think those somethings were? How have you both changed over the years to become different, unconnected people?
8. How would you describe your relationship with your wife? Give as many details and examples as you can.
9. How would you describe the current personalities and priorities of both yourself and your wife? Give as many details and examples as you can.
10. What do you envision would be the perfect situation with your wife and children? What would you consider to be a tolerable situation? How do these two scenarios differ from your current reality?
11. What are you willing to do, to change about yourself, to try and get what you want from your life? 

I can unfortunately say that I intimately know the feeling of being lonely while being in a relationship with someone. Fortunately there weren't children involved in my case and eventually we ended things. But I'll never forget the hopeless, empty feeling that comes from feeling like I'm lonely but can't do anything about it because I'm "with" someone, trapped, and therefore unable to find someone new. Eventually I came to embrace the concept embodied in this quote from the song "Save Yourself" by the band Stabbing Westward: "If I must be lonely than I think I'd rather be alone." Being alone is not the same thing as being lonely, but both concepts depend on personal perceptions and desires. 

 

 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Keridan said:

You have all given good advice for such a vague post. I probably should mention that I'm the husband in a straight marriage in case that changes anything.

I have tried for years to fix things. She won't even go to counseling. She would rather I find a side girl than love me.

We are together for two reasons and they both have names. My sons made this a permanent situation. 

But I'm lonely and I will be the rest of my life. It's hard to accept

I read your other threads about your marriage problems and you refused to follow anyone's advice in those other threads too. So, I view this thread as just you venting more about it. I don't think you want advice. I think you just want a place where you can come and vent. Which is totally fine, but don't ask for advice if you don't intend to consider it at least. Every piece of advice from someone else, is met by you providing a long counter argument as to why their advice is moot. So? 

That said, since you plan to do nothing as in divorce your wife, and you don't plan to have a side mistress to satisfy your sexual needs then you need to figure out how to cope with that. Nobody can tell you how to cope. That's actually your responsibility. Sorry for the tough love, but you chose this situation and you chose what to do (nothing). No one can tell you how to cope. You know your coping skills. That's up to you to figure out. But you can vent here no problem. 

Edited February 15, 2021 by Watercolors

[Keridan]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

I read your other threads about your marriage problems and you refused to follow anyone's advice in those other threads too. So, I view this thread as just you venting more about it. I don't think you want advice. I think you just want a place where you can come and vent. Which is totally fine, but don't ask for advice if you don't intend to consider it at least. Every piece of advice from someone else, is met by you providing a long counter argument as to why their advice is moot. So? 

That said, since you plan to do nothing as in divorce your wife, and you don't plan to have a side mistress to satisfy your sexual needs then you need to figure out how to cope with that. Nobody can tell you how to cope. That's actually your responsibility. Sorry for the tough love, but you chose this situation and you chose what to do (nothing). No one can tell you how to cope. You know your coping skills. That's up to you to figure out. But you can vent here no problem. 

I totally understand why you think I'm not taking the advice, but im trying. I have sought out therapy and such. I actually hate the behavior of asking and not listening. But I can't seem to win here and I'm just looking for how to cope

[Keridan]

1 hour ago, Calendula said:

Providing more details about your situation does help the community give you better feedback and advice. The first thing that always helps me with coping with something unpleasant is to find a way to itemize and fully acknowledge every aspect of the situation I'm trying to cope with. You can't accept or deal with something that you're avoiding thinking about or pretending isn't real. However unpleasant the truths of your life, you have to first acknowledge them as they are in order to initiate the process of full acceptance. You say you're not looking to "fix things" about your situation, and that may well be, but you do seem to want to change, "to fix" the way you view your situation. If you want feedback on this it may help for you to answer some or all of the following questions.

1. How old are you and your wife and how old are your two sons? Age matters in this instance. Would your perspective on staying in the marriage be different if they were older?
2. Why do you feel that being married to your wife is important for your children? 
3. How would you describe a typical day or your typical home environment and interaction with your wife and children? If there is active conflict rather than indifference it may be that you should also consider trying to find ways to change the home environment rather than just coping on your own or finding ways of ignoring your situation. 
4. What do you typically do to cope with an unpleasant situation? Have you tried any of these things and if so, how well did they help?
5. What new methods of coping have you thought to try but have yet to execute for some reason? Why might be the reason for your hesitancy?
6. Do you and your wife both work full time (normally) or does one of you stay home with the boys and the other spend the day at work?
7. How is your relationship with your wife different now than it was when you first got married. Logically, there must be something that connected you back when you first started hanging out, and then something that induced you to get married (perhaps she got unexpectedly pregnant?), and then those things subsequently changed. What do you think those somethings were? How have you both changed over the years to become different, unconnected people?
8. How would you describe your relationship with your wife? Give as many details and examples as you can.
9. How would you describe the current personalities and priorities of both yourself and your wife? Give as many details and examples as you can.
10. What do you envision would be the perfect situation with your wife and children? What would you consider to be a tolerable situation? How do these two scenarios differ from your current reality?
11. What are you willing to do, to change about yourself, to try and get what you want from your life? 

I can unfortunately say that I intimately know the feeling of being lonely while being in a relationship with someone. Fortunately there weren't children involved in my case and eventually we ended things. But I'll never forget the hopeless, empty feeling that comes from feeling like I'm lonely but can't do anything about it because I'm "with" someone, trapped, and therefore unable to find someone new. Eventually I came to embrace the concept embodied in this quote from the song "Save Yourself" by the band Stabbing Westward: "If I must be lonely than I think I'd rather be alone." Being alone is not the same thing as being lonely, but both concepts depend on personal perceptions and desires. 

 

 

So.. lots of questions here. I will try to answer themy without a wall of text. First,Mt hank you for your interest and input.

We are both around 40. Kids are 7 and 11. And I work full time and she does part time. What changed was both of us. I was lead to believe we were on the same page physically and romantically and when I learned I was wrong, I got distant. I have tried to fix my behavior but I'm not successful no matter how hard I try. I just get pushed away. This is not to say it's her fault, though!

However, I'm a comitment kind of guy. My kids come first and I don't cheat. I'm stuck with this. 

I'm looking for how you deal with being lonely when you know you can't change it.

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, Keridan said:

I totally understand why you think I'm not taking the advice, but im trying. I have sought out therapy and such. I actually hate the behavior of asking and not listening. But I can't seem to win here and I'm just looking for how to cope

Did you know that every city in the U.S. has "walk-in counseling" centers that are FREE or pay on a sliding scale? You don't need insurance either. Because it's walk in. 
Inaction is a very unhealthy way to cope, as you already know. Not taking action (no divorce, no mistress) and making excuses for that inaction (your children, your pride, your reputation) also is an unhealthy way of coping. 

The major theme in your posts is one of fear and shame. You do not like to be vulnerable at all. You clearly don't. In fact, you view vulnerability as a weakness or one that produces excruciating pain for you because of the negative label you have attached to "vulnerability." However, vulnerability is how two people connect to each other; how they build trust; and how they transform themselves and each other. As long as you choose to hide behind fear and shame, instead of embracing your own vulnerability (by the way, if you're human, you are vulnerable - everyone is vulnerable), you will always be miserable. 

As Yoda told Luke Skywalker, "There is no try. There is only 'do.'" When you are ready to stop making excuses and hiding behind your fear and shame, you will take action. Or you won't. Only you know that. 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Keridan said:

I'm stuck with this. 

I'm looking for how you deal with being lonely when you know you can't change it.

Work on changing the way you see this.  Since you have chosen to stay in your marriage and to stay sexually faithful, you need to accept the reality of your situation and try to focus on the good and happy parts, surely there are some. You can't change your wife, but you can change how you react and deal with what you have.  

You've said several times that you're not a victim.  Thinking "I'm stuck" is actually putting you into a victim mindset whether you realize it or not.  So stop being "stuck" and figure out how to make the most of the situation.  And when it feels particularly hard remind yourself that you have chosen to stay - don't feel weak.  Stop banging your head against the wall trying to figure out how to change your wife.  If you've legitimately tried to communicate with her and it's not working, and you feel like counseling options aren't really there for you - and you've chosen to remain in the marriage - then figure out how to reframe the way you're looking at things.  Do your best with your duties and obligations to your family, regardless of her criticisms or disappointment - your best is all you can do.   

As for being lonely - spend more time with friends or family that you trust.  Have enjoyable conversations and interactions as much as possible.  

I realize you won't like this, but holding back on parts of yourself and not sharing them with others because you feel they are too negative or painful can be a big part of feeling lonely.  Dealing with burdens and bad experiences on our own because we don't feel others can handle it or wouldn't want to hear it is very isolating.  Not sharing what's on your mind and in your heart - including bad experiences from the past - keeps you at a distance from others emotionally.  It's something others can pick up, that you're not quite there.  I think that might play a lot bigger part in the loneliness you're feeling than you realize or can admit.  People can't connect deeply with you if you keep things buried inside.    

[basil67]

I'm wondering why you describe your marriage as 'dead' and that you see yourself as 'alone'.   Yes, I understand that the two of you are sexually mismatched and you don't see eye to eye on all things,  but this doesn't seem to warrant you saying that you'll be alone or lonely.   Are things a whole lot worse than you're telling us?

[Keridan]

Folks, you have all been wondrful. Sadly, I can't tell everything because I'm not equipped to do that.

However,  I'm not ignoring all this wonderful advice. I'm trying to change myself and I can't change her. I will try to make the best of it.

I just need to deal with it. This is my life. All I can do is work on me.