Casual relationship w/ older man - Complicated/feelings/pregnancy

[Abbylou]

I guess I'm just looking for some advice, input, support, I don't really know. I'm not sure what the best board for this is, but I think it fits here.

I'm 19 (will be 20 in March) and have been in a casual relationship with a man who is now 34. It started about a year ago.I hesitate to call this a fwb situation, since this man and I were never really "friends" before this, but we did know each other - I guess we were more like acquintances. Over the past year we meet up a lot, usually at his house, and we will spend several house together. we have fun, we talk, but it always ends with sex or has sex involved in some way. This is what we both expect when we meet up. He made it clear from the beginning that he wasn't looking for anything serious. I agreed to that. 

Several months into hooking up with him, I started to develop feelings for him. I thought I could get over them. I didn't want to stop what we were doing. But after many months my feelings only grew deeper until I felt like I had completely fallen in love with him. I told 2 friends about it and they both think I'm just being used/taken advantage of. They think this "relationship" is a very bad idea and that I should end things with him. I don't feel that I'm being taken advantage of at all. But I did eventually agree that it would probably be best to end things since I couldn't get over my feelings and would only end up getting really hurt once he ended it or once he found someone he wanted to be in a real relationship with. But I dragged me feet with ending it because I just really wanted to be with himin any way, even if it meant pretending like there were no feelings and like the casual sex was just fine with me. Then shortly before Christmas I accidentally got pregnant. 

I just don't know what to do. I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, even though I wish that he did. I fear that he'll think I've trapped him and did this on purpose. I feel so alone. I don't want to tell my friends about the pregnancy since they already don't approve of the relationship - I don't think they'll be very supportive or understanding. 

 

 

[Calendula]

You ABSOLUTELY need to talk to this guy about the pregnancy ASAP. And you two need to have some hard conversations about your relationship and the possibilities of your futures. Before you talk to him I'd also advise that you sit down and consider ALL the possible options and outcomes associated with him and your pregnancy and imagine how you might be willing and able to accept each and every one of them. You job here is to do your utmost to figure out how YOU feel about this occurrence, about the pregnancy and him, and then offer that information up to him as best you can. You can't possibly predict what he might say even if you think you can. It is his child too and what happens next should be a joint decision, not a one-sided one. I'd guess that the two of you had never discussed what might happen if pregnancy occurred even though you were having sex? If so, then you HAVE to deal with the topic now because you can't go back in time and change things. And if you have discussed it previously in a hypothetical sense, he may well change his mind when it becomes a reality. Give him a chance. 

Don't wait any longer. Sit down and list out ALL possible options before you for your future, even the ones you immediately dislike. Think about each and every one of them in depth, on your own, and write down your responses for yourself to help you work through them. Then go spend the evening with your fellow, tell him the situation, tell him what you've thought about and how you feel about each of the possibilities you've considered, and DON'T ask him for an immediate response. Let him think about things for a few days or even a week. You've had two months to adjust to the news and he'll need time. And then meet up again and talk about it all, in as deep and complete a way as possible.