What is going on between me and him?

[Seeker_007]

Long story short, we were childhood friends. In our teens I was a quiet and reserved girl due to certain circumstances  and he was a player. He loved girls. Had many of them. I was best friends with his sister. I dated guys as well. 3 to be exact.

I lost my virginity to rape and to cover that pain, I wanted to be loved and feel loved. So I thought that all that men want is sex and for them to love me I gotta give that to them. Well 2 of them used me like that and 3rd was my current husband that for 10 years physically, emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused me for me being raped and that I let other boys take advantage of me.

This friend of mine, when he found out that I was engaged he tried talking me out of the marriage, told me that he’s a better fit. (I was afraid that we would use me and I had a strange connection to him through out the years.) His sister also tried to talk me out of this marriage and be with her brother. Fast forward to couple years later, he reached out to me. Asked how’s life and whatnot. Then he asked why is my husband so disrespectful to me in public? Then I opened up to him about the horror of my life. He was furious. (Mind the fact he’s also married by now.) then I told him that I don’t know why but in hard moments I would always think of him.

When we were teens he told me that if anyone hurt me, I come to him and he’ll take care of it. That I feel like there’s something going on between us and I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how to get rid of it. He told me that he feels the same way. We started to chat.

When my husband hurt me I would call him up after the fact and he’ll calm me down and tell me that he needs to talk to my husband. I begged him not to do it because I was afraid that he’ll kill me if he found out that we talk. Things got a lot more closer and intimate with him. We had sex. But agreed that no feelings and any love relationship will happen here. Well he later started to send me love songs and tell me that some of the words in those songs he means to me. And then he said we are no longer friends with benefits but lovers. In sex he was so loving and caring not just using me. I’ve never felt that before. And I’ve been used before I know what it’s like.

Later I started to feel that I think I’m falling for this guy. Our last conversation we had I told him that I want and need a deep emotional connection with someone and I don’t think he can give it to me. He asked if I’m talking about my feelings for him here? I got scared and I told him “no”, because he said that he doesn’t want that kind of relationship with me when we just first started. I said that I just want a genuine friendship.  To which he replied that it’s impossible to not have an emotional connection with me.

After we had sex last time, I asked him so when will our fling be over. ( he told me that he had a fantasy for having sex with me. And I thought that maybe that’s it, that’s what I was feeling too, and unfulfilled fantasy.) well he said that he doesn’t want it to be over.

Men! Please explain, what is this? What does this mean from your point of view? To me this sounds like he has feelings for me but for some reason won’t say that to me. Please translate... 

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Seeker_007 said:

 my current husband that for 10 years physically, emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused me 

Talk to trusted friends and family (not this married guy) and  be frank about the abuse. Develop an exit plan. Talk to an attorney as well. 

 Most of all see a physician about your depression, anxiety and trauma. Ask for a referral to a therapist.

Cheating on your husband will only making matters worse for you. Stop playing with fire.

 There are healthy ways to deal and that is through a divorce and therapy.

Edited February 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Seeker_007 said:

After we had sex last time, I asked him so when will our fling be over. ( he told me that he had a fantasy for having sex with me. And I thought that maybe that’s it, that’s what I was feeling too, and unfulfilled fantasy.) well he said that he doesn’t want it to be over. Men!

You say “Men!” like you have absolutely no say or control here. 

Let’s be clear, having sex with another man is a BAD IDEA if you are in an abusive marriage. You compound the problem. You put yourself at risk of harm. You find yourself in two unhealthy relationships, not just one...

My friend, you have a long history of sexual and emotional abuse. Perhaps you would benefit from some time as a single woman, without a man in your life? Is that even a possibility for you?

Edited February 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[usa1ah]

Some people just need someone in their life, good or bad it is a emotional and physical need. 
 

OP you sound like one of these people. You need to leave your husband somehow. Find a women’s crisis center and they will help you through it. 

OP, what you are doing isn’t fair to your other man’s wife. She doesn’t deserve you sleeping with her husband. Stop seeing him. If he was to divorce his wife, then there would be no problem being with him. 

Prayers and hugs little lady. Get some help now. 

[Pottering About]

Seeker_007, well this is certainly some story.

It could be argued you are dealing with the wrong problem. I agree with Wiseman2 and usalah,, sort out how you are going to deal with your own marriage first and then see what may come of any subsequent relationship after that. 
 

[Harry Korsnes]

Steker.i feel for you. 

Sad to say some women and eaven some men are drawn  to abusive partners bc they dont know elsvise. It's as if they find someone loving and caring they can't fully relax and love or be loves. It's like their wating for the explosion. I hope you can get therapy for your earlier trauma.  And if your husband is abusive you need to contact athoroties and get a ro so that you can feel småfe.

Best of luck. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Seeker_007 said:

I lost my virginity to rape and to cover that pain, I wanted to be loved and feel loved. So I thought that all that men want is sex and for them to love me I gotta give that to them. Well 2 of them used me like that and 3rd was my current husband that for 10 years physically, emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused me for me being raped and that I let other boys take advantage of me.

You're letting this man do it too, OP. 

You feel differently because you like him, but it's just a variation on the same theme: a man who wants you for sex, and yes maybe some emotional closeness, but nothing more. He's kinder to you but he's not a good guy. Good guys don't carry on affairs. 

So, you need to wake up and smell the coffee coffee, to be blunt.  You can either end your marriage, or stay miserable and fall hopelessly in love with a man who can't and won't give you more than what you already have with him. Understand that this affair will likely never become more, as they generally don't. So even if you leave your husband, you need to do for it for you and not because you think this guy is going to come to your rescue. My strong hunch is that when push comes to shove, he won't be there for you, either. 

You have more power here than you think; men don't need to call all the shots in your life

[mark clemson]

On 2/15/2021 at 12:18 PM, Seeker_007 said:

What does this mean from your point of view? To me this sounds like he has feelings for me but for some reason won’t say that to me. Please translate... 

IMO it means you've gone from being a friend he cares about to having an affair with him, with all the risks that entails from your abusive husband. I agree with others above that you need to address the abusive husband first, then anything else that might be an improvement. No doubt that's easier said than done and presumably you need access to support resources to even start to try addressing that.

Edited February 17, 2021 by mark clemson

[Amethyst68]

I'm so sorry for the situation with your husband.  That's something you need to deal with as soon as you can. I would recommend contacting your nearest Women's Refuge/Shelter, they'll be able to help direct to the best resources for moving forward. 

You need to ditch this MM, you are in no position to start a new relationship. You really should heal from the trauma you've been through before thinking of bonding with a new partner. Not to mention the fact this man is married - have you even thought about the possible impact of your actions on her (and their kids if they have them)? Your hurt does not give you the right to hurt someone else by your actions, and yes I know he's the one married to her etc but that's something you have to decide for yourself. 

[World Peace Guy]

4 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

I'm so sorry for the situation with your husband.  That's something you need to deal with as soon as you can. I would recommend contacting your nearest Women's Refuge/Shelter, they'll be able to help direct to the best resources for moving forward. 

You need to ditch this MM, you are in no position to start a new relationship. You really should heal from the trauma you've been through before thinking of bonding with a new partner. Not to mention the fact this man is married - have you even thought about the possible impact of your actions on her (and their kids if they have them)? Your hurt does not give you the right to hurt someone else by your actions, and yes I know he's the one married to her etc but that's something you have to decide for yourself. 

I have to agree with this one. Your whole problem is low self esteem, largely caused by rape. If you would have married the other guy, you might have ended up in the same situation. You need to heal yourself.