How do I accept her past?

[Lostandconfused-]

How do I get over my girlfriends past?

 

My now ex and I were together for less than a year. During this time our relationship was wonderful, she made me happy - we were happy together. I found out 10 years ago she had sex a few times with a close friend of mine. She did not know we were friends. It hurt me to know she did this but I moved past it & despite that I wanted to marry her and start a family together. That was our plan for 2021. She has a young daughter and is the sole parent of her, for me a single mother was always a deal breaker but with her she changed my mind, I fell in love with her little girl and consider her my own daughter. This woman is an amazing mother and woman, my parents adore her and her daughter. She treated me well and made me the happiest I’ve been in the longest time.

I found out through a family member just before we broke up that she had a short stint at being an escort in her early 20’s which she has since left behind. We are both in our early 30’s now. At first I was disgusted, revolted by this information. I asked her and she denied it out of shame, up until this point she had never lied to me and I know she was faithful during our relationship. Eventually she admitted that she used to be one and I know she was genuinely sorry for lying to me. 

I could not believe the woman I was in love with would get paid for having sex. 

I was horrible to her, I said some really disgusting things that I regret out of anger which I now regret. 

She wrote me a long letter explaining why she went down that road and how sorry she was for being dishonest. Being sexually abused was a key factor to her poor choice in life. Although I understood it was hard for me to look at her so I ended the relationship.I still loved this woman and it hurt me to walk away from her and her daughter and the life we had planned together. 

 

Fast-forward to a week later we have reconnected and I’ve tried to look past her past. I know she didn’t do anything wrong by me, I know her past doesn’t define her it’s just hard for me to accept and move forward. 

She has been bending over backwards to try fix us by booking in a relationship counsellor and purchasing a self help book for me.

I want to salvage the relationship but I don’t know how to get over her past. I don’t want to be ashamed of the person I am with and I’m afraid we may run into clients of hers even though she didn’t work in our home city.

My family and friends want us to get back together, they know how happy she made me but it’s just hard. 

All she ever tried to do was love me but I would push that away, I don’t believe I am worthy of love and that is due to my guilt for the passing of a close family member. It is easier to be alone then to risk being hurt. In our relationship I needed constant reassurance in our relationship. 

She informed me that she is 4 weeks pregnant with my baby. If we found out we were pregnant before I found out she was an escort we would still be together and I would be happy. I have told her we can try work through this hurdle(me getting over her past meaning I’ll have to accept it and live with it because se I don’t want to be together and for me to throw her past in her face to be spiteful. 

Alternatively if I cannot get past her past I have suggested she have an abortion(something she does not want to do) I know if I do make her go through the termination I will regret it because it would mean we could never be together and I would lose the chance at having a family with her.

For me the relationship has changed I still love her but I feel we are emotionally distant due to her past.

 

I don’t know what to do, how do I learn to accept her past and move forward. 

Any tips to get past this? 

Time is ticking

Edited February 15, 2021 by Lostandconfused-
Edit

[Acacia98]

The one thing that comes to mind is individual counselling. Have you tried that? Is it accessible? That seems to me to be the best way to work through the various resentments you have regarding her life before you.

There is something in your post that really troubles me, though. I get the impression that to you there are only two options: 1. You somehow manage to get through your resentment of her past and reconcile and have a baby together. 2. You don't succeed in dealing with your negative emotions and she has to get an abortion.

Whatever happened to the possibility of things not working out between you and her choosing to have the baby and raise the baby outside her relationship with you? Are you actually planning to coerce her into terminating the pregnancy if things don't work out between you?

[Lostandconfused-]

11 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

The one thing that comes to mind is individual counselling. Have you tried that? Is it accessible? That seems to me to be the best way to work through the various resentments you have regarding her life before you.

There is something in your post that really troubles me, though. I get the impression that to you there are only two options: 1. You somehow manage to get through your resentment of her past and reconcile and have a baby together. 2. You don't succeed in dealing with your negative emotions and she has to get an abortion.

Whatever happened to the possibility of things not working out between you and her choosing to have the baby and raise the baby outside her relationship with you? Are you actually planning to coerce her into terminating the pregnancy if things don't work out between you?

I’m torn. If she continues with the pregnancy I’ll have to stay with her. I can’t abandon my family but I will resent her 

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, Lostandconfused- said:

I’m torn. If she continues with the pregnancy I’ll have to stay with her. I can’t abandon my family but I will resent her 

If you choose this route, it would amount to emotional abandonment.     And you may not have any choice in the matter as she may reject you because of your resentment.  

Have you ever considered that the woman she is today is a sum of all the things in her past?   

Edited February 15, 2021 by basil67

[Gaeta]

I am not religious but the first thought that came to me was: He Who Is Sinless Cast The First Stone. 

You do not have the right to judge her past,  you have not waked in her shoes. Instead of seeing the negative look at the positive. She was able to leave that life behind and that's a big accomplishment. She then grew to be a beautiful person inside and out, and a loving responsible mother. You should admire her for that. She is where she is because she made the difficult decision to get out of that life. A LOT of women that took that route are unable to make that change.  If I was a man I would defend her and challenge anyone daring to judge her. 

As for you, I'm not sure you deserver her. You have no right to dictate what she should do with her body in terms abortion. She will be the one having to live for the rest of her life with the emotional scar, have you thought of that? You will move on with your merry life and a clean conscience but she will think of that abortion for the rest of her life. 

The person who told you about her past is evil. 

[Lostandconfused-]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am not religious but the first thought that came to me was: He Who Is Sinless Cast The First Stone. 

You do not have the right to judge her past,  you have not waked in her shoes. Instead of seeing the negative look at the positive. She was able to leave that life behind and that's a big accomplishment. She then grew to be a beautiful person inside and out, and a loving responsible mother. You should admire her for that. She is where she is because she made the difficult decision to get out of that life. A LOT of women that took that route are unable to make that change.  If I was a man I would defend her and challenge anyone daring to judge her. 

As for you, I'm not sure you deserver her. You have no right to dictate what she should do with her body in terms abortion. She will be the one having to live for the rest of her life with the emotional scar, have you thought of that? You will move on with your merry life and a clean conscience but she will think of that abortion for the rest of her life. 

The person who told you about her past is evil. 

You make a good point 

[DKT3]

She was an escort...only here on LS would something like be an issue where people would attempt to make it seem like your wrong or broken because you struggle with accepting that from a potential partner. 

If she had told you and you proceeded with the relationship and later struggled that would be different. 

Unfortunately,  there is a faction of people who believe that we have to accept anything or if you don't there is something wrong with you.

Its never a good idea to stay because of a child,  it would eventually turn into a toxic situation and no one benefits there.

[Acacia98]

OP, I personally don't think it's unusual to struggle with the fact of your SO having been an escort. You don't have to accept it and remain in the relationship. But you have decided you want to try to accept it and live with it. That's why I suggested counseling.

Based on everything you've written thus far, though, I feel it would be better for you to end the relationship. Your ideals regarding women's bodies and sex lives don't match her lived reality. She should be with someone who understands and accepts her. You should be with someone you can understand and accept.

You see yourself as having only two options in the relationship: 1) convincing her to have an abortion (which you already know she doesn't want, so this would fall under coercion) or 2) staying with her against your will and resenting her (which will inevitably lead to your being emotionally abusive toward her). Either way, she suffers. 

You say you love her. So why would your two options entail punishing her? The sad thing is it's possible that she'll bend over backwards to accommodate you and try and please you--to the detriment of her own emotional well-being. She doesn't deserve that. 

If you really love his woman, you should break up with her and respect her choice as to whether or not to keep the baby. If she chooses to keep the baby, you can co-parent with her. You don't have to be with her to be a responsible father. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm taking the time to post this realizing you may not give it much credence. But, it's worth a try.

Are you a believer in God? If you believe in Him at all consider that the reason He sent His Son to die in the world is because we're all sinners (this includes you!) and need to have the debt paid for our sins.

If your gf accepts Jesus Christ her sins are washed away. She's not a better person. She's a NEW person. And she will be different than she was then. Not just in behavior, but also the ambiance around her will be different.  Same is true for you.

It sounds to me as if you need to become a new person more than she does. I say this not critically. Just genuinely. You need changing.

I don't see any hope for you outside of God. Get a Bible and begin to read the book of Psalms and Isaiah in the Old Testament. Read the gospel of John (4th book in New Testament). 

You may say, "I'm not religious." You don't need to be. You need change, not religion. And the Bible is for those who need hope and who need change and who need the power to change. Many misjudge it because "Christians" are sometimes some of the worst people around. But those types are not genuine Christians.

Counseling is good! I recommend it. But there is power in the Bible. Please don't discount it.

And whatever you do don't pressure your gf to have an abortion. The two of you love each other and could care for this child. I believe both of you would regret it for the rest of your lives if she should proceed.

Story is told of St. Augustine, famous Christian theologian. Before he became a Christian he led a life of utmost debauchery. Lots of substance abuse and sex with woman after woman were part of his life.  He probably treated the women horribly. He had no self-respect.

Long story short He met Jesus Christ, gave Him his life and began a new pathway.

One day he was walking down a street or road and one of the women he'd partied with called out to him. He didn't recognize the woman (he'd had and discarded so many) so didn't respond to her calls.

Finally she cried out, "Augustine, it's ME!"

His response was classic, "Oh," he replied, "But it's no longer me!" He had changed. And his writings have affected the formation of the western church.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Lostandconfused- said:

If she continues with the pregnancy I’ll have to stay with her.

No you don't. She'll just have to get a paternity test and if you are the father, you'll be paying child support for at least the next 18 years.

[scotchnstout]

You don't need to accept anything brother, there's also no need for an abortion, nothing wrong with co-parenting and make sure the kids yours if you do.

[lana-banana]

Your girlfriend, a victim of sexual abuse who was already lacking significant resources, turned to escorting for a short time. What do you think victims of abuse are supposed to do without resources and family support? Starve while writing applications to Harvard? Lots of people who weren't abused also turn to escorting because it's literally the only way they can afford their bills; in the US, it's a very common way to make money off-the-table so you can still qualify for Medicaid (yes, the system is that bad).

I would encourage you to seek counseling, both individually and as a couple, but it's hard to be optimistic about this situation. Your girlfriend is a victim of abuse who did what she had to do to survive and your response was so utterly lacking in empathy and compassion that I can't envision you being a good long-term partner for her, much less a loving father.

[Lostandconfused-]

10 hours ago, scotchnstout said:

You don't need to accept anything brother, there's also no need for an abortion, nothing wrong with co-parenting and make sure the kids yours if you do.

The child is mine. She is not a cheater 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Lostandconfused- said:

The child is mine. She is not a cheater 

Ok all you can do is prepare to pay child support, whether you stay or go.

[Lostandconfused-]

15 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, I personally don't think it's unusual to struggle with the fact of your SO having been an escort. You don't have to accept it and remain in the relationship. But you have decided you want to try to accept it and live with it. That's why I suggested counseling.

Based on everything you've written thus far, though, I feel it would be better for you to end the relationship. Your ideals regarding women's bodies and sex lives don't match her lived reality. She should be with someone who understands and accepts her. You should be with someone you can understand and accept.

You see yourself as having only two options in the relationship: 1) convincing her to have an abortion (which you already know she doesn't want, so this would fall under coercion) or 2) staying with her against your will and resenting her (which will inevitably lead to your being emotionally abusive toward her). Either way, she suffers. 

You say you love her. So why would your two options entail punishing her? The sad thing is it's possible that she'll bend over backwards to accommodate you and try and please you--to the detriment of her own emotional well-being. She doesn't deserve that. 

If you really love his woman, you should break up with her and respect her choice as to whether or not to keep the baby. If she chooses to keep the baby, you can co-parent with her. You don't have to be with her to be a responsible father. 

Thank you 

[Lostandconfused-]

I will probably get a lot of hate but I have in the past paid to have sex with sex workers 

[BaileyB]

On 2/15/2021 at 3:38 PM, Lostandconfused- said:

I’m torn. If she continues with the pregnancy I’ll have to stay with her. I can’t abandon my family but I will resent her 

Please don’t do this. If you are going to resent her and punish her forever, she would be far better off if you left her life and provided child support/co-parented your child. 

 

9 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Your girlfriend is a victim of abuse who did what she had to do to survive and your response was so utterly lacking in empathy and compassion that I can't envision you being a good long-term partner for her, much less a loving father.

To stay and resent her and punish her forever would be to continue abusing her, and your child, albeit in a different way. 

Either you go to counselling and you develop some compassion for the woman you love/the mother of your child, or you let her go and be a responsible parent as a single father/sharing responsibility with the child’s mother.

Personally, I think you should let her go. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Lostandconfused- said:

I will probably get a lot of hate but I have in the past paid to have sex with sex workers 

Pot-kettle

You really need to let her go. Unless you are willing to humble yourself, you need to let her go. 

Edited February 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lostandconfused-]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Pot-kettle

 

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Please don’t do this. If you are going to resent her and punish her forever, she would be far better off if you left her life and provided child support/co-parented your child. 

 

To stay and resent her and punish her forever would be to continue abusing her, and your child, albeit in a different way. 

Either you go to counselling and you develop some compassion for the woman you love/the mother of your child, or you let her go and be a responsible parent as a single father/sharing responsibility with the child’s mother.

Personally, I think you should let her go. 

Obviously I want to move past this and have a life together. If I leave I miss out on being with her and having a life together 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Lostandconfused- said:

 

Obviously I want to move past this and have a life together. If I leave I miss out on being with her and having a life together 

I’m not going to say that it’s not a difficult thing to accept. It clearly is a very difficult thing to accept. 

You obviously see the hypocrisy that you paid another woman for sex. It’s not entirely fair to pass judgment on the woman when you have engaged in the offending behavior.

She has  a history of sexual abuse and she lacked the financial resources to support herself. What was your excuse? Seriously. 

If you want a life with this woman and your child, you have only one option... to get yourself some really good counsellors and learn how to foster empathy, compassion, and forgiveness in your relationship. 

If you can’t find it within yourself to do this, that’s fine. You are absolutely able to coparent together as single, separated people. What you have no right to do is to stay with this woman and raise the children in a home where one partner holds anger and resentment toward the other partner. 

 

Edited February 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lostandconfused-]

41 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Pot-kettle

You really need to let her go. Unless you are willing to humble yourself, you need to let her go. 

She never judged me for that too 

 

41 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Pot-kettle

You really need to let her go. Unless you are willing to humble yourself, you need to let her go. 

She never judge me for it 

[BaileyB]

She didn’t judge you because she loves you. I would bet that she loves the person you are, the way that you love her and her daughter, she knows that you are more than one decision in your past. 

Is it possible that you could love her the same way? Can you see her as someone who has survived her past trauma and will not be defined by it? Can you see her as the woman who loves you, the mother of your child, a strong, kind, and compassionate woman?

Perhaps the compassion and forgiveness she showed you is a direct result of her previous experiences. 

Just something to think about. All the best!

Edited February 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

Perhaps this is a moment in your life when you have to re-evaluate your personal biases and question yourself about how you judge other people. Life gives some people a good hard kicking, and many of them are women who find themselves working in the sex industry, and it muddies their life and leaves them open to harsh judgement - not an easy thing to live with. There's very few little girls who aspire to be an escort when they grow up,  and to judge women who find themselves there is small-minded and cruel.  Think about it like this...if it wasn't for sexist, misogynistic, cruel men, there would be no such thing as a sex industry in the first place - look to the perpetrator, not the victim.  If I was you I'd rather my GF tell me she'd once worked as an escort than have her tell me she's three times divorced. Perhaps read some literature written by women who have worked in the sex industry and find some understanding, compassion, and empathy instead of perceiving them all as sullied goods. No rudeness intended, but to me a person who judges women in this way is far less of a person than a woman who, against her own moral compass, finds herself in such dire financial straits that she has to resort to the sex industry. A relative handful of women actually like the job, (and I always think most of them are in denial and lying to cover their shame), but most hate it. If you, as you say, would throw this in her face in a heated moment, you need to think about the pure misogyny behind that. Don't be part of the problem in an ugly world, be part of the solution. Start by addressing the misogyny. 

[scotchnstout]

3 hours ago, Lostandconfused- said:

The child is mine. She is not a cheater 

ok