why my affair was toxic, MW with MM

[IfWishesWereFishes]

First time posting, been reading and reading a lot, going to IC, doing lots of journaling and introspection. I broke it off for good this time, going No Contact. I am a MW who had an affair with a MM.

This is why my affair was toxic. I hope that in posting this, it will remind me and maybe help others to see why affairs are toxic and why ultimately it doesn't matter how it ends nor whether it was real love or not. It doesn't matter if that person still thinks of you or not. What matters really is that we need to not allow ourselves to be in toxic relationships. And, that ending an affair really is positive though it hurts.

1) Relationships built on lies are toxic. There are so many lies. When I was with my AP, I chose to believe it was just us and that love was all that mattered. We lied to our spouses. We convinced ourselves that we were open with each other and that we knew each other completely. But that is just a lie. I don't even know what cereal he eats nor when he takes a dump. I only knew what he showed me the times we were together and what he chose to tell me over text. I chose to forget that we have spouses and kids at home. Til one day, I saw him unexpectedly in public and I realized that we only lived in secret, in darkness. I had deceived myself that I was in a real relationship with him. Ultimately, we cannot trust each other. We both are liars, willing to lie to get what we want. We even lie to ourselves by not admitting we are the type of people who might cheat. Neither of us thought we were capable of cheating. That's how deeply our brains can lie to ourselves.

2) Toxic relationships are consume all your emotional energy.  I don't know if this is common, but as a MW, I could not compartmentalize. I was willing to blow up my whole life to be with him.  Not only was I willing to, but I WANTED to. This was my sense of loyalty and love, maybe even a bit of morality thrown in? I was consumed by this relationship. I listened to his professions of love that we were meant to be and that he would never find another - sex, bonding, all those delicious chemicals in the brain, they trick us. I think we both fell in love, but it was a love built on adrenaline, forbidden interactions, and the chemicals that flood our bodies and brains. We both meant it, but that does not make it healthy. In the end, I was willing to leave my marriage, but he was not, yet he did not want to let the relationship go. Our relationship consumed my thoughts daily. It made me desperately want to change my entire life. This is toxic.

3) Toxic relationships are not fulfilling nor whole. As I distanced from my H, I changed my life to accommodate MM's schedule. I would drop everything to be able to spend some time with him. These were few and far between, but meanwhile, we would text or spend time online together. These moments I should have been spending with my family and friends, the ones who exist in daylight. Instead, I was like an addict, my sole focus was on MM and our time together. The feelings of "love" are intoxicating, but real, good relationships do not exist on breadcrumbs. The intermittent attention, the phone calls only he could initiate, the times spent together built around his schedule, this made me obsessive, wondering when I would next be able to spend time together. One should be able to sleep next to the person they love and not have to share him with another. Breadcrumb love is not love. I started to wonder if I deserved to have a full relationship.

4) Toxic relationships make you feel off-balance.  I realized that this relationship was not what I wanted a few months in and I broke it off a few times. When he had problems at home, he would break it off (ghosting me twice) but then he would text me and we would resume. The sex, emotional connection, physical connection was powerful. Every time we broke up, he convinced me it was better that we be together than not. He could always convince me to get back together with him and I allowed it. We had these cycles of breaking up and coming back together. He also oscillated hot and cold. And since many of our interactions were over text, it made me obsess over everything. There was a lot of push and pull. This is toxic. Good, healthy relationships should not have this pull/push cycle. I felt off-balance. He sometimes blamed me for being off-balance, as if being in an affair was something that should make people feel balanced!! Feeling off-balance is toxic.

[DKT3]

Affairs appeal to women because of the emotional range.  Those emotions make one feel more alive then previous even when its harmful to yourself and EVERYONE around you.

Real relationships get into a rhythm which quickly has the potential to become boring.

Affairs are relationships that are only about that relationship, with people who generally reinvent themselves to fit the image they believe the other person wants.

They are built on lies, half truths,  delusions and mistreatment of others.

I've been around this a long time and it usually takes a MW a long period to get to this point, and many never do. We currently have some who I'm not very hopeful about.  

[IfWishesWereFishes]

Hi DKT3,

You're spot on. The relationship did make me feel alive at a time when I felt really dead inside. And, I know now why they're so addicting and that it made me into a different person that I can't even recognize anymore. Though there were some positives that came out of this, in that I am starting to understand myself better and how I got here and the why. All the reasons I came to see it as toxic came from introspection and so far these are what I keep reminding myself that will keep me from contacting him. It's been difficult and there are better days and really bad days when I want to cave. And obsessive thoughts, etc. 

[DKT3]

Introspection is very difficult.  Not many are truly willing to do it.  Its much easier to just blame others, and we see it here all the time.

Many moons ago my wife had an affair,  I divorced her and she spent years making it clear she wanted us again.  I did some serious Introspection and realized I was actually a crappy husband.  It was very difficult for me to admit that because I viewed myself as a great husband and father.  It was that Introspection that allowed me to open myself up to her again.  If I was the husband then I am now, no way I could have opened myself to her again. 

Point being,  keep going, keep digging.

 

[Davina1]

@IfWishesWereFishes how long did it take you to finally pull away totally . Every single word you wrote has resonated me except for the physical part really . I have been pulling away since Dec 31  but there is a bit of pull and push going on .  

[Amethyst68]

What about your husband? Your family? Are they just a safe landing spot for you to recover from your affair? 

[HappilyMarried]

13 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Introspection is very difficult.  Not many are truly willing to do it.

Hey@IfWishesWereFishesas quoted above this is a excellent first step and now what is your next step? I assume since you just posted you just recently went NC with the MM I guess my question would be what are your plans with your BS and family? There definitely must be some serious issues in your marriage for you to indulge in the affair (not sure how long the affair went on). I would make a suggestion if you one don't plan on telling your spouse about the affair and two I would wait and make sure your NC stays this time and you feelings towards the MM starts to fade then you can put the effort and dedication needed for your marriage. If that's what you truly want to achieve  and if it is I think you need to be honest with your BS and tell him about the affair. Best of luck!

[IfWishesWereFishes]

@Davina1 The first time I tried to end it was back in October, then again in December. The third time was in January after seeing him unexpectedly.  That incident really messed me up and made me hurt for days and actually we both agreed that it was unhealthy and that we should end things. I had spent those weeks talking about everything in counseling, journaling, taking up a new hobby, and just reconnecting with myself.  I did spend time sitting in places we had spent time together and writing about my feelings so that I could process them and let my feelings go. After six weeks, he asked me to consider getting back together. He sent me an email saying that he missed me and life wasn't the same, etc. We spoke over the phone and got back together for a week. I realized that I wasn't feeling the same as before. Things like how and when I texted him had changed in those six weeks. I no longer spent my time and energy on him. As my therapist told me, I have issues with setting and enforcing boundaries. When I started doing this with MM, it made a world of difference. I started caring for myself and seeing what exactly was I getting out of this relationship that I was missing from my own. I haven't been long in NC since I am not counting those six weeks. Those six weeks made a difference and I feel completely different than the other times I had tried to end things. I don't feel invested in my affair relationship at all and I don't miss him.

The push and pull was terrible. I didn't understand it well at the time, but I think it's quite like trauma bonding where you get used to this cycle. He or you pulls away, then comes back. And each time it happens, you are crushed, only to get pulled back in. Getting pulled back in makes you feel better and you feel bonded, swear to each other WE WILL MAKE IT WORK!!  It takes away the hurt and the pain, but then it happens again and again. It was only by seeing it as a toxic cycle and then realizing that MM and I were both doing it to each other that I saw how I didn't want it anymore and that it was bad for me and that I mattered. My feelings and state of mind mattered. I started to think what if in the future, it was just me and him in a relationship and instead of talking things out when things got hard, we just left each other? We were teaching each other what was acceptable in this "relationship" - that we could leave and get back together instead of talking things through and understanding things. It's unhealthy. Even if it were not an affair and a real relationship, it's unhealthy and I want to be healthy.

[notbroken]

I hope you have divorced your husband or are in the process.  No one deserves someone that is having an affair / absent and all the lies.  Tell him the truth.  Finish the process of 'reaping what you sow'.   Even if you don't, you have likely damaged yourself, your relationship, and your husband in ways you don't yet know.    Set him free - or at least inform him so he can at least not continue to live a lie. 

[IfWishesWereFishes]

@Amethyst68 and @HappilyMarried I've been talking to my therapist about things. My gut instinct had been to confess my affair to my BS, thinking that it is the right thing to do so that he would be able to determine if he wants to stay with me. I had told him several times this past year (the affair started as an EA and went to PA), that I had felt emotionally disconnected from him for about ten years. I had asked him for a divorce a few times. He actually had agreed to work on an amicable divorce, but then would reneg. We both recognized there were things we should work on. We have not argued with each other in almost 2 decades. Clearly we have communication issues and/or didn't really care to be here. The affair pushed me to see things about our relationship that was not working. Generally, I have not been happy in our relationship, but he doesn't want to end things nor talk about them. So, that too was a reason I went to IC, to see if I could work things out, if my disconnect from our relationship was due to something I could fix or even if I wanted to fix things. I don't want to use the affair as a way out of my marriage. I think the affair is just a symptom of all these other things that are wrong. A big one for me is the lack of emotional intimacy. Our sex has always been physical and not emotionally connected, but I could never bring myself to talk about this. We also would not touch except during sex, would never say "I love you." I think this was just how he grew up, in this way where he doesn't show it... just more things to unravel. So, no, my family isn't just a safe landing spot. I think my marriage/relationship is rather dysfunctional and I'm trying to understand my part in all this. The affair made me realize that I want emotional connection. I want someone who will love me fully and really wants to be there. So, though the affair relationship is toxic and it's not what I want, I'm glad that it pushed me to see that living without emotional connection and non-sexual touch is a deal-breaker for me. I'm okay being alone, without either husband or AP.

My IC does not push me to confess. I know people feel differently about this - does it do more hurt than not, etc. I also see confessing might hurt my AP as he is in an abusive relationship. And though I do not want an affair relationship for all the toxicity it holds, I don't wish harm to come to him. His W is violent. Life can be complex.

[SMoore]

I recognise the madness of the affair as you describe it.  You are well out of it and I understand why a confession is not always the right thing to do.  These things, as you say, are complicated.  If you have learnt from it and changed, and if no one but you and the AP have suffered, then it is time to move forward in the best way you can, for the sake of everyone.

[IfWishesWereFishes]

@SMoore The madness is the really crazy part. It's like your mind rationalizes everything to accept all the deception needed to feed the affair. It's like your brain is just addicted to the feelings of euphoria. Time always seemed oddly different. It truly is being high without drugs. And your brain refuses to see all the red flags, all the toxicity. The logic just gets turned off completely.

I'm still working on understanding all of this and my dysfunctional marriage as well, all in therapy. I know I played a big part in the dysfunction. Divorce or stay, it depends on whether the marriage is fixable and what we both want out of it going forward. The marriage as it existed no longer exists. Neither my H nor I have been completely honest with our needs. We just exist, never have deep talks about things that bother us. I don't think this is uncommon and probably many couples just exist like this til they die. For me, it's unfulfilling and if there is no intimacy emotionally, it's not something I'd like to remain in. I guess people who've never had an affair think that the marriage was perfectly good and that the WS went and destroyed this perfectly good marriage. The reality is that just because a marriage looks alright, doesn't mean that it really is. 

[Luna66star]

I really resonated with all you have posted.  The addiction, hot and cold, intermittent reinforcement, keeping you off balance. 

I swear MM in my case must have done online research on how to keep a woman hooked. I'm sure they don't act this way to their wives in order to keep the peace at home. All these ways of relating are manipulation tactics.  After all, how does a MM keep a woman interested?  They are not dating us, nor trying to prove themselves worthy.  It's all games.  It's abuse!

Of course your MM didn't want to talk to you about anything serious.  He didn't want another real relationship.  He has one at home that's sometimes hard, like most serious relationships are.  The side chicks are for fun and no responsibility.  

It's true about the adrenaline rush.  Even I got caught caught up on how alive it made me feel! It's a drug for us and MM.  You wanted emotional connection with MM and sadly it won't happen with these guys.  They are experts at shutting down the emotions.  I knew MM in my case was catching feelings, even though the never verbalized the fact.  He immediately stopped seeing me anymore with excuses galore.  I felt rejected and hurt but it was really a safety mechanism for him to extract himself from this mess he got himself into. After that he kept me at a distance with just texting & leaving subtle hints that he's just do busy these days & can't meet up.

You have an enormous amount of insight into your own heartache & why you chose this situation to begin with.  Thanks for explaining it do clearly and succinctly!

 

 

 

 

[IfWishesWereFishes]

Out of curiosity @Luna66star, how long has it been since you broke up with your MM? Did you get to this point after several break ups?

I think it was the push/pull and then saying I was being unstable that I started to understand that it was the type of relationship itself that seems to bring about this toxicity. Basically, we felt unstable because we had formed a triangle (two triangles in my case). The jealousy and obsessive thoughts about each other because we were not committed to each other. We had parts of the equation. The friendship was real. The feelings of love were real (very much like any beginning relationship there is the intense feelings of love and desire to be together, the bonding, etc.). But that the relationship could not move beyond this was unnatural. We could never get to a place where either of us felt secure because we both were in other relationships. Which... is what made it all toxic. I don't think my MM was really aware of all this and still probably isn't. I think it's why all affairs somewhat sound alike.  We enjoyed each other's companionship and we matched on many levels. But the reality is the affair relationship should not have existed. The right thing for both of us to have done was to work on our marriages that were not going well and either fix it or end it. And then later, after time has passed, if we were both free, then I think we might have had a good relationship. That will never happen now because we infected it with lies. We chose wrong. I don't harbor any ill-will nor resentment for him nor blame him for my actions. I actually think he is a good human being who, like me, doesn't know how to deal with his own marriage in a healthy way. Always, we must one day pay the piper. So we deserve all the internal suffering. And now must work on the real issues, letting go of the toxic relationship that actually might have been a good one in another circumstance. 

[Luna66star]

If wishes were fishes.  It's been 9 months of not seeing each other, but for bits of texting here and there.

There were no official break up discussions.  Instead I backed away silently after an incident that hurt me terribly.  MM in no uncertain terms subtly made it known that he was pursuing another woman for an affair.  I had expected a modicum of respect on his part to keep his mouth shut or tell me directly.  In retrospect he likely dropped hints so that I would be trauma bonded to him. I believe this is associated with triangulation.   He wanted to keep texting but I was utterly appalled at this man's callous way of discarding someone.

From that point on, it was over, no discussion with him on what was going on with me.  I gradually faded out, with him popping back up here and there to love bomb, make me jealous or simply make it known he was still around.

Being involved with a MM is humiliating to say the least as and the emotional abuse that occurs isn't something I would ever wish on my worst enemy. The position thing out of it? I will ever put up with this from any man.  I'm stronger because of it.  I learned my lesson the hard way.

[Davina1]

It’s scary how reading all of of this makes it sound like I’m reading about myself. Thanks for all the detail @IfWishesWereFishes. 
 

@Luna66star I’m sort of the same . My MM has hurt me over different things but if I say anything it’s actually my fault . As we only email ( as that all I’m allowed to use for contact ) it’s been really hard to have a discussion.  But it has worked to my advantage now as like you it’s just fading away .  And yet I’m not sure if he is actually aware ! Lol , 

I regret my actions terribly. I know why I went down this road because of incredible loneliness . We think we are immune but life doesn’t always work that way . 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[IfWishesWereFishes]

@Luna66star 9 months is amazing. Does the intermittent texting set you back? I, too, would not wish this experience on anyone. I'm sure the rejection hurt, after he made you feel so special in the early times to then be so callous. When MM ghosted me the two previous times early on the relationship, I was devastated. It was hard to process how someone could one moment proclaim that you are the love of his life and then without explanation just block you from his life entirely. You'd think that he'd give you an explanation as to why it wasn't working - and that should have been the case, had this been a good, healthy relationship based on trust. Had he been the kind of person who was good for me, he would not have ghosted me. All of it was toxic. There could never have been a good way to end things. I think it's really good when we finally see the truth of the situation and that getting out and staying out is really the goal. So, no matter how it ends, it's still for the better. Hating him might be easier. I can't envision a scenario where mine would have ended well. For all the times we both tried to end things in the past, none of it ended well. It was all horrible. I cried til my face hurt each time. I haven't cried nor hurt this much ever in my life. Except this time, I'm not crying anymore. I'm glad it's over. I'm not sad to leave a toxic relationship. When I cried, I cried for the lost potential relationship that we had constructed together. I've accepted that was a fantasy we shared and nothing more.

@Davina1 There is just badness in these kinds of relationships. They feel good in the moment, but it's really just for the moment when you get a text, phone call, or a few hours together. The rest of the time, it infests your brain to the point of obsession due to the trauma. It's not worth it. It hurts you and those around you as all the emotional energy and time is now invested in this person who "needs" you, but always on his terms. The balance that you once had in your life is gone. And, like you, I thought no way was I susceptible. I'm a strong, educated, independent woman who would never fall for these things, so I thought. But, we have vulnerable, lonely moments in life and we meet someone who seems to be offering a lifeboat out of that loneliness. Only we find that instead of a lifeboat, it's just a rotten plank. My therapist tells me that it's not wrong to want emotional connection. He had to tell me that it was normal to want to not be lonely. You'd think I'd know this basic concept, but I didn't think I deserved that within my marriage. Looking within to find the reasons why I had an affair is a good place to start to discover how to move forward in my life and find something more fulfilling than this pseudo-relationship.

[HappilyMarried]

24 minutes ago, IfWishesWereFishes said:

Looking within to find the reasons why I had an affair is a good place to start to discover how to move forward in my life and find something more fulfilling than this pseudo-relationship.

The above you said is true but just remember @IfWishesWereFishesand you have done well so far by admitting and stopping your affair but just remember you can only do so much just as it takes two for a marriage to develop issues it takes two for reconciliation. I hope your husband desires to do it what you are saying I'm not sure he is for it. I hope it all works out!

[DKT3]

Affairs are only the symptom of ones poor boundaries and not any outside influence. 

Every relationship that has ever been has had troubles, yet more stay faithful than those that cheat. Something separates the two, and its internal.  

This idea that one cheats because of someone else is just an adult version of "she did it, not me" that we hear from children. 

When you own it, own it. You can't own then say but, or, if only. It cancels whatever you said before. 

Bad marriages change the way you feel about the marriage,  cheating is a whole different subject. Many people hate thier job but they show up every day and most do their best.  Its the same, really. 

Edited February 17, 2021 by DKT3

[IfWishesWereFishes]

@HappilyMarried Yeah, it's been tough and trying to work on things. Right now, just in IC, but eventually will go to couple's therapy. There's been a lot to unpack just from my past. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to stabilize.

@DKT3 Oh I own this. I don't blame my husband. I have personal boundary issues. I have conflict avoidance issues. I also recognize that I could have gone to him and told him all these things I found unfulfilling in our relationship and all the stress I had been feeling instead of running away and finding solace in someone else, but didn't. 

[DKT3]

17 minutes ago, IfWishesWereFishes said:

@HappilyMarried Yeah, it's been tough and trying to work on things. Right now, just in IC, but eventually will go to couple's therapy. There's been a lot to unpack just from my past. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to stabilize.

@DKT3 Oh I own this. I don't blame my husband. I have personal boundary issues. I have conflict avoidance issues. I also recognize that I could have gone to him and told him all these things I found unfulfilling in our relationship and all the stress I had been feeling instead of running away and finding solace in someone else, but didn't. 

You have to understand how this contradicts the symptom of the marriage business. 

You acknowledge you had options,  you chose the affair.  That is the separation I spoke of between those who will cheat and those who won't. 

Therapist are tricky,  its easy to fall in with one who tells us what we want to hear. It most difficult and beneficial to have one who challenges you and makes you feel uncomfortable,  thats fertile soil for growth.  

An example,  we had a MW who was in a 20 year affair,  actually married another man during it. For 7 years she was going to the same Therapist,  one who told her the same thing and she went all in. Problem....she was having her affair some 5 years before she got married and a few years before she even met her husband.   She got so angry whenever someone would mention that,  it made her feel comfortable with what she was doing and gave her the excuse to stay in the affair, because her marriage held status quo. 

Edited February 17, 2021 by DKT3

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Bad marriages change the way you feel about the marriage,  cheating is a whole different subject. Many people hate thier job but they show up every day and most do their best.  Its the same, really. 

Interesting metaphor.

Truly unhappy people who have options also "cheat on" their job by getting degrees, starting side gigs, etc that they hope will turn into new careers. Essentially, they monkeybranch, staying in one job until the next one materializes. There are those who look for something better and those who don't or can't.

As with jobs, there are factors that keep people "stuck" in a marriage they're not happy with. As with cheating, sometimes people for whom a new job doesn't pan out are "desperate" to get their old one back.

Nor is the ethical difference always clear cut. There are plenty of jobs where the manager doesn't favor or support "skilling up" in a way that would allow them to leave. And VERY few people openly announce to their boss that they've started a job search. So deception IS often involved.

IF I were to play devil's advocate, I'd say one could look at cheaters (in an unhappy marriage) as "showing initiative". I doubt you'd agree, but in a way they are.

You're not saying someone in an unhappy marriage should prop the corners of their mouth up and trudge on (I hope)? I think you need to flesh out what you are saying a bit here.  What IS the right solution for someone stuck an unhappy marriage? (Not someone who feels free to simply pick up and leave, those people have no reason to have an affair.)

Think this should be an easy one for you...

[DKT3]

How does cheating help? Thats a better question.  

Sticking with the work analogy,  if one is not favored by the boss would you make it worse by being more difficult,  missing work, intentionally messing up projects? That's what affair do.

I've gone in circles on this part. No one is ever stuck in a bad marriage,  people stay in bad marriages because they are still personally beneficial. 

How do you handle it if you "feel" stuck? Honesty,  tell your spouse how you feel, what you expect and what will happen if you don't get it.

No matter how you twist it up and bury it in rubbish, affair are never the answer or only option. 

[mark clemson]

Interesting. I was expecting you take the opportunity I was presenting to close the gaps in the metaphor that you were leaving open and leave it at that.

No one said affairs are the only option (at least not me). NOR are they the best option from multiple standpoints.

But - you ask "how does cheating help"? Since you asked:

It can sometimes "help" the cheater by making someone happier in their bad marriage. Kind of like earning extra money at a side gig can improve your financial situation, except it's extra "happiness". I believe this "help" is usually transitory, but we sometimes see LT affairs on this site, so not always.

It can sometimes "help" the cheater and the AP by leading to a "real," open relationship between them. Similar to changing jobs.

Really I was expecting you to take the easier path here, rather than calling me out to "defend" stuff that usually ends up badly. (You'll notice I don't exactly go around advising folks to have affairs.)

 

Back to my question: What IS the right solution for someone who feels (but not necessarily objectively is) stuck an unhappy marriage? (Not someone who feels free to simply pick up and leave, those people have no reason to have an affair.) Again, I feel like this is a softball, especially for a guy like you.

 

Edited February 18, 2021 by mark clemson

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Interesting. I was expecting you take the opportunity I was presenting to close the gaps in the metaphor that you were leaving open and leave it at that.

No one said affairs are the only option (at least not me). NOR are they the best option from multiple standpoints.

But - you ask "how does cheating help"? Since you asked:

It can sometimes "help" the cheater by making someone happier in their bad marriage. Kind of like earning extra money at a side gig can improve your financial situation, except it's extra "happiness". I believe this "help" is usually transitory, but we sometimes see LT affairs on this site, so not always.

It can sometimes "help" the cheater and the AP by leading to a "real," open relationship between them. Similar to changing jobs.

Really I was expecting you to take the easier path here, rather than calling me out to "defend" stuff that usually ends up badly. (You'll notice I don't exactly go around advising folks to have affairs.)

 

Back to my question: What IS the right solution for someone who feels (but not necessarily objectively is) stuck an unhappy marriage? (Not someone who feels free to simply pick up and leave, those people have no reason to have an affair.) Again, I feel like this is a softball, especially for a guy like you.

 

Mark I've been divorced,  financially I was well off, my wife wanted to work past the infidelity,  we had been together since we were kids, we were all we knew. It would have been easy to stay, even easier to make myself feel better by having my own affair...it crossed my mind. Hell I even flirted with and arranged a meeting with her fri-enemy who was more then willing.  Then I came to my senses, long term thinking and fear of the consequences took over. I balked on the meet up and quickly progressed towards divorce. 

I was unhappy,  I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to split time with my kids, I didn't want to fire my best friend.  But I did. Long term thinking.  How would I explain my actions to my kids? To stay and not set an example if doing things in a healthy manner.

To answer your question,  what should one do...set an example.  What that means is different for anyone in that situation.  For some it means fixing the marriage,  to others getting out.

When you are in a pit its easy to look at the task of getting out and say i can't do it. Translation,  I dont want to be uncomfortable or challenge myself even if its rainbows and butterflies on the other side.

Its all symptomatic of those who are shortsighted and take on live today to hell with tomorrow mentality...tomorrow always comes.