There's no turning back

[heart_stumble]

Pondering, currently found out that WS is still slandering my fam, and using that as the main reason why it can't work. It infuriates me that she tried to drive me away from my fam and I feel once I move out I'll have to lay everything on the table before her dad before I tell her coz I'm really getting tired of this "history" that's being created.

Besides that, I feel I'm getting better, had a few instances where I would suddenly wake up at 3am, and get consumed by emotions - why'd she do it...etc...and sleep 2 hrs later. But last 2 days have been ok, slept through the night no thoughts about it. Been practicing some meditation to help process the emotions, seems to be working.

[heart_stumble]

Finally divided house items and in about 2 weeks I'll finally be at the new place. WS told me last week she "found" (I knew she had a place all along because she somehow convinced MM to let her co-own one of his apartments) a house is moving out in a week, but not with all she's keeping because she's also moving to a smaller apartment. WS will move the other items to storage before end of the month. Haven't seen WS in about a week, I've been conveniently out when WS drops by in the evenings, sometimes to pick the kid for the night, bring her back next morning in the past week. I broke the news to my parents, they fully support my decision - encouraged me to have no fear about our toddelr and just make sure she's happy and healthy. I've been feeling low and very lethargic last two days mostly thoughts of our past, WS, the betrayal...it's been distracting me a lot from work during the day, but at least I can sleep the night. Guess it's the grief period. I'm glad that we're not meeting physically, all comms are via phone call or chat. I don't think I can stand looking/speaking at WS at this moment. Keeping a level-head has been tough, but it's necessary until I move out and begin the ending.

[heart_stumble]

Still haven't confronted/exposed her yet. Had a chat with WS about move dates, she tried to find out when I'm moving out - I don't know why? We're moving to different houses wouldn't it make sense to move on different days. Anyway I gave her a tentative date. During the convo she Whatsapp chats me how I've not even lifted a finger to try and save our marriage, my parents haven't done anything..but the only important thing is our kid - then deletes the message claiming she didn't want it on record. I laughed inside, almost engaged/responded but didn't, shifted convo back to  the move. I couldn't believe she'd actually say that 🙄

[Marc878]

Infidelity is a lifelong gift. You are smart to let her go. Trust would never come back fully plus if they cheat once the capability is there to do it again. 
 

As soon as the ink is dry on the divorce papers set the record straight. It’ll help clear your family and get you some closure. It’s not your job to help hide her affair.

Targeted exposure is best. Let the important people know. You’ll probably find a lot already knew. Those are not your friends. 

Edited March 10, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

28 minutes ago, heart_stumble said:

Still haven't confronted/exposed her yet. Had a chat with WS about move dates, she tried to find out when I'm moving out - I don't know why? We're moving to different houses wouldn't it make sense to move on different days. Anyway I gave her a tentative date. During the convo she Whatsapp chats me how I've not even lifted a finger to try and save our marriage, my parents haven't done anything..but the only important thing is our kid - then deletes the message claiming she didn't want it on record. I laughed inside, almost engaged/responded but didn't, shifted convo back to  the move. I couldn't believe she'd actually say that 🙄

Sounds like her boyfriend may not be working out like she thought. Let that be her problem.
 

You are playing this right. Never give her any info you don’t need too.

Keep engagement to the child and divorce.  

[Harry Korsnes]

Sorry to say but your doing this to your self. 

Why not just tell her you know that she's having an affair and you know who the om is and you you know he's married. Then go radio silent, only have contact via email about your daughter. 

You know when a snowball rolls down hill it esculates and the problems get bigger and bigger. 

Good luck to you and dont let her know when your moving out. And do you!!!

[Marc878]

Did you finish “No More Mr Nice Guy” ?

[heart_stumble]

1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Sorry to say but your doing this to your self. 

Why not just tell her you know that she's having an affair and you know who the om is and you you know he's married. Then go radio silent, only have contact via email about your daughter. 

You know when a snowball rolls down hill it esculates and the problems get bigger and bigger. 

Good luck to you and dont let her know when your moving out. And do you!!!

I wouldn't want to do that while we're living under one roof - most importantly because of our toddler, wouldn't want to expose the kid to the drama and emotions. After I move out yes I will tell WS everything. At this point I just want a quick divorce and 50/50 on the kid, so I'm working towards getting that in the smoothest way possible. Couldn't care less for WS and AP and how it plays out right now.

52 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Did you finish “No More Mr Nice Guy” ?

I'm halfway through. Very good read, the kind of material I need as I go through healing.

 

5 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Sounds like her boyfriend may not be working out like she thought. Let that be her problem.
 

You are playing this right. Never give her any info you don’t need too.

Keep engagement to the child and divorce.  

Maybe so, I think it was an attempt at gaslighting? I don't know. Engagement at the moment is strictly objective. Divorce talk will come after I tell her everything.

[Marc878]

7 minutes ago, heart_stumble said:

I wouldn't want to do that while we're living under one roof - most importantly because of our toddler, wouldn't want to expose the kid to the drama and emotions. After I move out yes I will tell WS everything. At this point I just want a quick divorce and 50/50 on the kid, so I'm working towards getting that in the smoothest way possible. Couldn't care less for WS and AP and how it plays out right now.

Nothing wrong with your plan.

Bud, she knows she was cheating. Your exposure should be geared towards people that matter. Friends, family, etc.  AP’s wife or x if he has one.

[Harry Korsnes]

1 minute ago, Marc878 said:

Nothing wrong with your plan.

Bud, she knows she was cheating. Your exposure should be geared towards people that matter. Friends, family, etc.  AP’s wife or x if he has one.

She's been bashing his family why would anyone acsept that? 

[Marc878]

After you’ve read the book it maybe helpful to read through it again so it fully sinks in.

It would be helpful to you to read up on no contact etc. You’ll move on a lot faster that way.

Some other things to consider is STD testing. You don’t know where her other man has been or with whom. I’d DNA the child too. If it was in the time frame of her affair.

[Marc878]

1 minute ago, Harry Korsnes said:

She's been bashing his family why would anyone acsept that? 

It’s his call. Once the ink dries on the D papers he can cut lose.

[Marc878]

Expose all at once to everyone you’ve targeted. Don’t dribble it out.

If you’ve got emails, texts for proof just forward them. Do not forward any nudes if that’s what you have.

[heart_stumble]

40 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

She's been bashing his family why would anyone acsept that? 

It's been an excuse and a trigger. Not taking the bait, despite how I feel. I know WS would spiral it into a shitstorm. Nothing constructive came (of me asking her to stop it before and focus on just us two) before I was enlightened of the A, nothing will now.

 

43 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Nothing wrong with your plan.

Bud, she knows she was cheating. Your exposure should be geared towards people that matter. Friends, family, etc.  AP’s wife or x if he has one.

As far as going to the AP's wife, I don't see myself going there. Friends and family.

34 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Expose all at once to everyone you’ve targeted. Don’t dribble it out.

If you’ve got emails, texts for proof just forward them. Do not forward any nudes if that’s what you have.

Yup, that's the plan. Not planning to forward any details, only to very close friends.

39 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

After you’ve read the book it maybe helpful to read through it again so it fully sinks in.

It would be helpful to you to read up on no contact etc. You’ll move on a lot faster that way.

Some other things to consider is STD testing. You don’t know where her other man has been or with whom. I’d DNA the child too. If it was in the time frame of her affair.

Thanks for that. I'm definitely getting STD tested, as for our kid, it was before the affair time frame. But some friends have asked me to DNA to be sure. I'll keep that aside for now.

[Marc878]

3 hours ago, heart_stumble said:

As far as going to the AP's wife, I don't see myself going there. 

She should be at the top of your list. It’s hard to tell what hell she’s been through and not knowing what’s up.

Do it anonymously if you have to.

[heart_stumble]

On 3/10/2021 at 5:03 PM, Marc878 said:

She should be at the top of your list. It’s hard to tell what hell she’s been through and not knowing what’s up.

Do it anonymously if you have to.

I'll think about this one.

WS finally moved most of her things out. Only thing i miss right now is the little one. I'm waiting for some repairs to be done at mine so I can move. I laughed inside so hard because of this - 2 days after she's out she makes up some BS excuse to come by the house to pick some things she forgot. At mid morning WS comes by looks through the empty rooms, then goes into my room and the bathroom scanning the place 🤣 - I definitely know she's looking for evidence of me meandering - lol. The nerve. And I think she could be P with MM's kid. I'm glad to be mentally getting to a better place everyday. Keeping a healthy routine, meeting up with friends has helped a lot.

[Marc878]

9 hours ago, heart_stumble said:

I'll think about this one.

WS finally moved most of her things out. Only thing i miss right now is the little one. I'm waiting for some repairs to be done at mine so I can move. I laughed inside so hard because of this - 2 days after she's out she makes up some BS excuse to come by the house to pick some things she forgot. At mid morning WS comes by looks through the empty rooms, then goes into my room and the bathroom scanning the place 🤣 - I definitely know she's looking for evidence of me meandering - lol. The nerve. And I think she could be P with MM's kid. I'm glad to be mentally getting to a better place everyday. Keeping a healthy routine, meeting up with friends has helped a lot.

If you were her wouldn’t you want to know the truth? It’s the merciful thing to do. 

Chances are he’s blaming her for their troubles. 

Your STBXW Is the main culprit but her OM is a part of it too.

Consequences are a good thing.

 

Edited March 16, 2021 by Marc878

[heart_stumble]

So I met a stranger the other day, random chat. He happened to be going through a Divorce as well, 2 kids WS had multiple affairs. I shared my experience, no details just that D was my next step. He was surprised at my energy and how I'm handling it, he was still in the throws of despair. I consoled him and told him I had dark days and the idea was not to dwell on them or WS, as much as it's so tempting to go into the rabbit hole and come out hours later - still at the same place. In that moment I remembered some of my moments of despair, all alone. Sometimes i would pour myself a drink just to calm the nerves and anxiety, but not go into a whole binge. I think it's okay to find something to calm the nerves/anxiety if it's unhealthy do it in small doses and maintain some level of control. And not let the days waste away.

I got his contact and told him to call me up if he's filling down. I'll do my best to cheer him up. My point is I guess it's okay to engage in some vice/activity to cope as long as you don't lose yourself completely to it. Especially if it's unhealthy. I don't know, I'm also going through this first time.

[Marc878]

You are stronger than most. Those that get strong and stay there always come out best. Plus you seem to have a good support group behind you.
 

This isn’t the end of the world. You aren’t losing much.

From what I’ve seen when you’re dealing with a cheater it’s best to let them go. Free yourself from dragging that corpse of a marriage around behind you.

[Marc878]

3 hours ago, heart_stumble said:

So I met a stranger the other day, random chat. He happened to be going through a Divorce as well, 2 kids WS had multiple affairs. I shared my experience, no details just that D was my next step. He was surprised at my energy and how I'm handling it, he was still in the throws of despair. I consoled him and told him I had dark days and the idea was not to dwell on them or WS, as much as it's so tempting to go into the rabbit hole and come out hours later - still at the same place. In that moment I remembered some of my moments of despair, all alone. Sometimes i would pour myself a drink just to calm the nerves and anxiety, but not go into a whole binge. I think it's okay to find something to calm the nerves/anxiety if it's unhealthy do it in small doses and maintain some level of control. And not let the days waste away.

I got his contact and told him to call me up if he's filling down. I'll do my best to cheer him up. My point is I guess it's okay to engage in some vice/activity to cope as long as you don't lose yourself completely to it. Especially if it's unhealthy. I don't know, I'm also going through this first time.

She’s a serial cheater. They never stop and he can’t fix her.  All he’s doing at this point is keeping himself in limbo.
 

If I was him I’d DNA test the kids.

[heart_stumble]

Update - Finally moved to my own place. D-Day(confronting her) was meant to be today but I have work and a bunch of stuff in the new house. Pushed D-Day to Sunday. I've thought through most of the scenarios, reactions and decided the only way to handle it to not argue and base on facts and evidence. Last week WS threatened taking baby away if I do anything to provoke her mental state(translate to expose A to wider circles) coz she has child custody. She suspects or knows that I know, doesn't change much though. I kept calm through her dramatic trigger conversation. I suspect the confrontation will be quite dramatic and heated, but I'm not feeling moved much. Hoping her suspicion leads to us having a more productive conversation.

[trident_2020]

You're getting divorced and living in separate residences. What do you expect to accomplish by confronting her?

She knows she's cheating, so what if she knows that you know that she's cheating.

Not seeing the point.

 

[elaine567]

I don't see the point in confronting her either, you are done. Stay done. Trying to stir things up before the divorce is settled is not in your best interests.
She is not going to roll over and beg you for mercy. She is going to go on the defensive or worse go on the offensive.
You want a smooth divorce and good child custody arrangements, the last thing you want is an angry ex putting a spoke into every wheel, costing you extra money for legal fees as you have to fight every decision. Worse than costing you money, it will keep you stuck in emotional turmoil for months even years.
Leave it be.
Yes she done you wrong, she knows she done you wrong, rubbing her nose in it will not give you any relief. 
You can't erase the past, and you need to have a good relationship going forward for your child's sake.
Concentrate on the future and trying to be the best co-parent you can possibly be for your child.

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, heart_stumble said:

Update - Finally moved to my own place. D-Day(confronting her) was meant to be today but I have work and a bunch of stuff in the new house. Pushed D-Day to Sunday. I've thought through most of the scenarios, reactions and decided the only way to handle it to not argue and base on facts and evidence. Last week WS threatened taking baby away if I do anything to provoke her mental state(translate to expose A to wider circles) coz she has child custody. She suspects or knows that I know, doesn't change much though. I kept calm through her dramatic trigger conversation.

You’d better learn to ignore.

I suspect the confrontation will be quite dramatic and heated, but I'm not feeling moved much. Hoping her suspicion leads to us having a more productive conversation.

I wouldn’t waste the time on her. She can’t keep your child away from you. That’s an empty threat.

Id expose and let her deal with it alone. After the divorce is done. Mixing yourself up in her drama will just keep you in this. Go back and read my post on no contact.

Also, inform her other mans wife. She does deserve to know.

 

Edited March 27, 2021 by Marc878

[elaine567]

I see no point in exposing her to all and sundry or telling the other man's wife.
These are tactics to stop the affair, but as they are separated and reconciliation is not an option then who cares if the affair continues or not?
He may be able to split them up but depressed and angry and shamed women tend not to make good parents... and he needs her now to be the best parent she can be for his child.
Stirring up the OM's wife will keep him stuck in the chaos, as will informing all around, and who really wants to be seen as "the poor man whose wife cheated on him". or "the guy who couldn't even keep his wife from straying".
That may not elicit sympathy, it may elicit derision actually.
Keeping schtum and moving on to better things is the best strategy.
Leave the past in the past.