I'm Dating 2 Women and It's Starting to Weigh on Me

[Kind of Lost]

I'm not quite sure what I'm expecting by posting here. I guess to be told the obvious, that I will have to choose one or the other.

I'm dating 2 women. They don't know about each other. It's weighing on me because I feel like I'll have to eventually choose 1 and hurt the other a lot.

It's gotten more complicated and much less black and white as time has gone on.

Woman 1 cheated on me very early on because I kept her at arm's length and she felt like I didn't care. She came clean right away and we've moved on. I've forgiven her and completely trust her. I'd rather not mention it, but it's relevant to paint a complete picture.

Woman 2 has been a friend with benefits for a few years now. I started talking seriously to her after woman 1 cheated.

I kept seeing both because woman 1 and I had to really work at things for me to feel secure with the relationship. We fought regularly up until a few months ago when things seemed to settle down and improve drastically. I thought all along that seeing woman 2 was fine because there was no way my relationship with woman 1 would ever work out. I feel differently now. She's put up with a lot from me and has only tried harder.

They're both head over heels in love with me. I would be extremely surprised if either one walked away upon learning what's going on. I don't mean to sound egotistical, but they've given me that impression very clearly. I'm certain they'd be hurt and angry, but I really don't think I'd lose either one. At least not for a while.

My intention is not to needlessly hurt, or back anyone into a corner though. So my question is can this all ever work out for everyone?

Has anyone ever gone through a similar situation? What was the outcome? Any advice or insight is appreciated.

Thank you very much

Edited February 16, 2021 by Kind of Lost

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Kind of Lost said:

I'm dating 2 women.

Woman 1 cheated on me

Woman 2 has been a friend with benefits for a few years

Unfortunately it seems like neither of them is making you happy.  You're not exclusive with either of them so it doesn't matter. Maybe nix both of them. The cheater and the FWB. However keeping 2 half-time women like this around allows you to continue your "arm's length" stance.

[dramafreezone]

Anyone that cheats should be a lifelong disqualification from a relationship.  If you were married it'd be another story but you're not.  Seems like a clearcut decision between the two.

[ShyViolet]

I'm genuinely confused.  Woman 1 cheated on you, but you've "forgiven her".  Yet you are cheating on her with woman 2.  You are in no position to be upset with her for "cheating" yet you are doing the same thing.

 

[FMW]

16 hours ago, Kind of Lost said:

I would be extremely surprised if either one walked away upon learning what's going on.

Then tell them both.  Things might be a lot clearer for you after that.  

[smackie9]

True story: I worked with a bouncer that bragged he had a few girls going at the same time. He showed me the love letters he got....well one night 3 of them showed up at the club to "surprise" him. The end result....he had no more GFs and word got out. He was single for awhile after that...I laughed and thought....karma.

OP eventually these women are going to suspect something is off and do some digging... it's going to blow up in your face.

[Fletch Lives]

What a great problem to have! 

[smackie9]

2 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

What a great problem to have! 

Fun at first, but worrisome, draining later.

[Fletch Lives]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Fun at first, but worrisome, draining later.

Of course. But compared to other relationship problems, it's a minor one... little risk of rejection, heartache, or pain. For him anyway. And he's the thread starter - this is one place where it's all about the original poster.

But I agree that he should choose one quickly - if they find out - and they usually do - he could lose all.

[central]

18 hours ago, Kind of Lost said:

Has anyone ever gone through a similar situation? What was the outcome? Any advice or insight is appreciated.

Well, I've been in a similar situation of dating two women at the same time, mutually non-exclusive.  Soon, however, I told both that I was also dating someone else, and both were okay with that.  So much so, that we developed a polyamorous relationship that lasted a few years (one eventually moved on very amicably, and the other is still with me 20 years later).

[notbroken]

Which one makes you happier?  Which one is a better 'friend' to you?  Choose her and let the other go ASAP.   It is WAY too much work to go out with more than one person.   That doesn't even account for the fact that you probably lie about where you are going, etc.  That takes an emotional and ethical toll on you.  Life is way better being honest and transparent.  Just less work and you don't have to lessen yourself with every lie.   Make a change quickly.   Chose one or neither.  Do NOT continue with them both no matter what. 

[Allupinnit]

Wait - so woman 1 has been working very hard to earn your trust back all the while you're ALSO sleeping with someone else?

Firstly it DOES sound like you're egotistical and secondly you're a hypocrite for holding this over Woman 1's head when you're guilty of the same thing.

But, that doesn't seem to matter, so why not just tell both of them and let the cards fall where they may? If neither of them mind I can't see why not, and the pressure/guilt is off you so that everything is out in the open..

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Kind of Lost said:

Woman 1 cheated on me

Woman 2 has been a friend with benefits for a few years now.

Woman 3 - Someone there's not this much confusing and conflicted history with

[MsJayne]

Here's the thing.....if you had any real feelings for either of them you wouldn't be able to lie to them, or if not outright lying then deliberately omitting the truth. Tell them both the truth, if they stick around they are both doormats. Some guys prefer doormat women, so that would be a win-win for you. 

[Miss Spider]

When people spend a lot of time with you they’ll develop feelings for you and it will hurt them a lot. Just the way it is. If you want to date multiple people, it will still be exhausting, but you won’t have to lie as much or hide things as much which makes it more exhausting if you don’t spend any more time with one person than necessary and if you make things clear that it’s just casual. Otherwise, no, it prob won’t end well for everybody 

[smackie9]

On 2/16/2021 at 2:13 PM, Kind of Lost said:

They're both head over heels in love with me. I would be extremely surprised if either one walked away upon learning what's going on.

 

“Heav'n has no rage, like love to hatred turn'd, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorn'd”

[Emma White]

Sorry, but they should both cheat on you...maybe this will help you to make up your mind(((

[Emma White]

Sorry for my first post, I guess I should have explained my situation before judging (maybe you regret cheating on them and just are trying to find a way out and never repeat smth like this again, I hope).

[JRabbit]

Are you exclusive to these women, as in, in their minds? Are they your "gf"? If no, it is not cheating.

Edited February 24, 2021 by JRabbit