I don't want to marry her. Should I let her go?

[neowulf]

I've been dating my partner for 5 years now.  We've been living together for two.
Neither of us is getting any younger (both in our 40s).

But for reasons that escape me, I just can't get excited or enthusiastic about marrying her. 
I know that marriage would mean the world to her, yet everytime I try to think about us being married, my heart just sinks.
I watched my own parents marriage over the years and it was nothing but constant arguments and suffering. 
Everyone of my extended family is divorced (bitterly in many cases). 

Basically I don't have any positive reinforcement that marriage leads to anything positive in the long run.
It won't protect you from breaking up, divorce is higher than ever.  We don't share any children and won't be.
Other than making sure my assets pass to her in the case of my death, I can't really see any other reason that means anything to me.

I'm filled with a sense of dread and reluctance.  I just don't know what to do with any of these feelings.
She insists she's happy enough, but I know deep down that it hurts her.  That she's wondering why I won't commit further to her.

Should I just push through it? Ignore those feelings and commit?  I just hate feeling like I had to drag myself to the altar.  How is that loving?
What woman would want a man she had to bully into getting married. 

It's reached the point where I need to make a decision.  Now.  I need to resolve this, one way or another.

I'm just endlessly depressed that I'm never really going to grow up.  40's , never married, no children.  WTF is wrong with me.
I shouldn't have to get into a knife fight with myself to do the things regular human grownups do.

 

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, neowulf said:

Other than making sure my assets pass to her in the case of my death, I can't really see any other reason that means anything to me.

 

I don't know about Australian law, but do you have wills or trusts (there), so that the assets pass to her upon your death.  Can she be named as the beneficiary of your assets, (bank account, IRA etc.)??

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years, neither of us wants to get married, so I did a will and left everything to her.  I also named her as beneficiary on my IRA and bank accounts (in the event of my death).  My girlfriend can have my assets when I'm dead, not before.

Personally, I would advise against anyone getting married (unless they want to have kids and raise them).  I've seen too many of my male friends get taken to the cleaners and financially destroyed in their divorces.  No thank you.

Just my two cents.

[FMW]

19 minutes ago, neowulf said:

do the things regular human grownups do.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for not wanting to marry or have children. You aren't a drone that has to fulfill a role defined by someone else.  

22 minutes ago, neowulf said:

he insists she's happy enough, but I know deep down that it hurts her.  That she's wondering why I won't commit further to her.

After 5 years she should know you well and understand how you think, what motivates you.  Does she actually say happy "enough"?  Or is that just what you've decided, given that you think something is wrong with you for not wanting to do the "regular grownup" thing?  Isn't it possible she's actually ok with not getting married or having children?  That she prioritizes the relationship she has with you over doing what "regular grownups" do?

Your feelings about not wanting marriage are very strong, don't fight them.  Accept that's who you are.  Most definitely don't go into a marriage feeling that way just because you think it's what you're supposed to do.

Put your cards on the table with her if you haven't already.    

As long as you have been honest and straightforward with her about your feelings, I can't imagine she would be interested in having you do something that seems so odious to you.  If she chooses to be with you, and does it with the knowledge that marriage isn't going to happen, let it be, enjoy your life with her.  

[BaileyB]

My partner had a terrible marriage that really set him back financially... and he says he will never marry again. 

And yet, here we find ourselves co-owners of a mortgage, beneficiaries of each other’s pensions and life insurance, next of kin as per our living wills... We may as well be married, our lives are financially and legally intertwined. 

In my 40’s, what matters to me is not that I have a husband, but a partner and fulfilling relationship. 

Still, when I introduce him as my “boyfriend” or my “partner,” there is a little part of me that cringes. I wish sometimes that he was my husband, even though it’s just a word, a paper, a picture. 

[basil67]

43 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Personally, I would advise against anyone getting married (unless they want to have kids and raise them).  I've seen too many of my male friends get taken to the cleaners and financially destroyed in their divorces.  No thank you.

In Australia, two people are legally recognised as a couple after living together for two years.  This includes taxation, health insurance and social security calculations.   In the case of separation, the division of assets is calculated pretty much as if the couple were legally married.   So really, it makes no difference if a couple is married or not.

My partner and I are almost 30 years defacto.  We have wills which name each other as beneficiaries, and the kids as beneficiaries should we both die at the same time.

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Still, when I introduce him as my “boyfriend” or my “partner,” there is a little part of me that cringes. I wish sometimes that he was my husband, even though it’s just a word, a paper, a picture. 

We introduce each other as husband and wife      Nobody knows our marital status unless we tell them, so it doesn't matter.

@neowulf Under Australian law, you're considered the same as a married couple anyway.  What difference would the ceremony make?

Edited February 17, 2021 by basil67

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, basil67 said:

In Australia, two people are legally recognised as a couple after living together for two years.

 

I didn't know this, thank you for the information. 

[neowulf]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

We introduce each other as husband and wife      Nobody knows our marital status unless we tell them, so it doesn't matter.

@neowulf Under Australian law, you're considered the same as a married couple anyway.  What difference would the ceremony make?

You are of course correct.  Legally, it makes very little difference.  But getting married makes a statement, one that I think means a lot ot my partner.
I've explained my feelings about marriage to my partner before and she says she understands.  It still bothers her though.

I suppose I'm just struggling to accept that the trajectory of my life has been so wildly different than the one I planned for myself

[basil67]

Yes, getting married does make a statement.   Is the issue that you don't see yourself as being together with her in the long term?  

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, basil67 said:

We introduce each other as husband and wife

I don’t know that you aren’t married. Really? 

Yes, I do that sometimes. It depends on the audience. It’s just easier than explaining, sometimes. 

I was using the phrase partner until my “partner” teased me that people would think we are lesbian lovers... nothing against lesbian lovers, it just makes me smile now and I have difficulty using that phrase to describe my relationship.

Edited February 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

49 minutes ago, neowulf said:

But getting married makes a statement, one that I think means a lot ot my partner.

If it will make her happy, and you are otherwise committed, I’m trying to understand why you would not to marry her. As are you, obviously...

I do respect the family history though, it’s hard when every single marriage you have witnessed has not been happy. That’s a lot of history to overcome - even if you have found for yourself a happy and healthy relationship.

Edited February 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[Cleo_and_me]

Long time lurker but I had to reply to this post. You should not get married if you are not feeling it or just to please your partner. She will know. I was with my ex partner for more than 19 years and never married. We had children together, shared finances and everything. We had wills etc all set up. But you know what?  It really bothered me that we never married. I bottled up my feelings for years and always said that everything was ok. I kind of disengaged after a while.  I believed at times that I wasn't good enough for him or he didn't love me enough otherwise he would want to get married.  I ended up leaving him for a number of reasons.  He wanted to be back together and even asked me to get married then but it was too late. I didn't want him to marry me just so I would be happy.  Funny enough, the ex is now happily married...I wasn't the right one for him. 

Cleo

[MsJayne]

An old bloke once said to me, "If someone asks you to marry them and you have to think about it, don't do it", and this applies to both men and women, and if everyone followed that bit of advice there'd be a lot fewer weddings and a lot fewer divorces. I would like a dollar for every man I've ever known who confided that they weren't really in love with their wife and they felt pressured into marriage, or stayed in an unsatisfying marriage because of kids and finances. On the other hand, perhaps you're projecting your negative feelings about your parents marriage into your own relationship and you're punishing your partner for it by refusing to make that public commitment. How would you feel if she came home from work tomorrow and said. "You know what? I'm accepting that there will never be a full commitment from you, so I'm leaving", and then left?  I knew someone who did pretty much that, and the guy was devastated, but when he went grovelling and asking her to marry him she said no because he'd taken too long and she'd had to leave before he woke up. If you're not in love with your girl, let her go, if you are you need to think about her feelings and needs too. 

[ShyViolet]

Well what do you actually want, then?  You talk a lot about what you don't want, but what do you want?  When you think about your future, what do you see?  Do you see yourself staying with her the rest of your life?  Are you content with that?  Or do you actually want to break up with her?  Do you want to be with other people?  Does it make you nervous to think about being with only her for the rest of your life and no one else?

If the issue is only that you don't feel comfortable getting legally married, however you do want to spend your life with her, then be honest with her about that.  Have a discussion.  You need to communicate with her about this.  For a lot of people, staying together but not legally married is ok and that's their choice.

And don't say that there's something wrong with you for not getting married and having kids.  That's not cool.  Lots of people today choose not to get married and choose not to have kids, and are absolutely happy with their choice.  This is not the 1950's.  There are many, many different ways that people live their lives and there's not one "correct" way.

[neowulf]

3 hours ago, Cleo_and_me said:

Long time lurker but I had to reply to this post. You should not get married if you are not feeling it or just to please your partner. She will know. I was with my ex partner for more than 19 years and never married. We had children together, shared finances and everything. We had wills etc all set up. But you know what?  It really bothered me that we never married. I bottled up my feelings for years and always said that everything was ok. I kind of disengaged after a while.  I believed at times that I wasn't good enough for him or he didn't love me enough otherwise he would want to get married.  I ended up leaving him for a number of reasons.  He wanted to be back together and even asked me to get married then but it was too late. I didn't want him to marry me just so I would be happy.  Funny enough, the ex is now happily married...I wasn't the right one for him. 

Cleo

This story honestly strikes at the heart of my concern.

I'm worried that I don't want to marry her.  What does that mean?  Does it mean I'm scared?  Or does it mean there's something about the relationship that's holding me back from a full commitment?  I find it frustrating and heartbreaking that something that I thought would be so natural, instead turns out to be like pulling teeth.

I simply assumed that people wanted to get married.  That it would be something I just woke up one day and thought "Yes, this is the person I want to spend my life with".  It just doesn't seem to be happening that way for me.

I don't want to lose my partner.  She's a beautiful soul.  But I don't want to drag this out any longer and hurt her if I'm unwilling to commit.   I just wish I could make sense of my feelings.

 

[neowulf]

40 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Well what do you actually want, then?  You talk a lot about what you don't want, but what do you want?  When you think about your future, what do you see?  Do you see yourself staying with her the rest of your life?  Are you content with that?  Or do you actually want to break up with her?  Do you want to be with other people?  Does it make you nervous to think about being with only her for the rest of your life and no one else?

If the issue is only that you don't feel comfortable getting legally married, however you do want to spend your life with her, then be honest with her about that.  Have a discussion.  You need to communicate with her about this.  For a lot of people, staying together but not legally married is ok and that's their choice.

And don't say that there's something wrong with you for not getting married and having kids.  That's not cool.  Lots of people today choose not to get married and choose not to have kids, and are absolutely happy with their choice.  This is not the 1950's.  There are many, many different ways that people live their lives and there's not one "correct" way.

What I wanted was to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have children.

However, I'm 42 years old, with zero chance of having my own children, with a women whom I love, but apparently don't have any interest in marrying, despite her being a great person.

I find myself wondering if it's all just a side effect of my struggle to accept that my life hasn't gone to plan.  An inability to accept that. Really accept that fact.

I also no longer see any of the benefits of being married.  Being married doesn't stop you having a horrible relationship, or your partner leaving you.   In fact, part of me has become conditioned to simply accept that you won't have your partner forever.  I've been in many relationships during my life.  None of them have lasted, no matter how hard I tried.  In the end, there are simply things you can't control, so why try.  Accept that one day you'll be parted and stop pretending that anything lasts forever.

I appreciate everyone's opinion on this.  I know there's limits to how much therapy an internet forum can provide.  I suppose I was just looking for people's opinions.

 

[Mrin]

OP: as a divorcee I was steadfastly against marriage. Ever again. I've since done a 180 on that. It took a lot of work on myself to figure out what my hangup was about marriage. 

I guess I would say don't do a bunch of work on yourself to get over your marriage hang up for her. But, if this is something that is bothering you - and it sounds like it is - I would suggest doing some personal development work around it. Even if you clear your hang up it doesn't mean you automatically will want to marry this woman. But at least you won't have this self-questioning / self-flagellation thing about it. 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, neowulf said:

I simply assumed that people wanted to get married.  That it would be something I just woke up one day and thought "Yes, this is the person I want to spend my life with".  It just doesn't seem to be happening that way for me 

[snip]

I also no longer see any of the benefits of being married.  Being married doesn't stop you having a horrible relationship, or your partner leaving you.   In fact, part of me has become conditioned to simply accept that you won't have your partner forever.  I've been in many relationships during my life.  None of them have lasted, no matter how hard I tried.  In the end, there are simply things you can't control, so why try.  Accept that one day you'll be parted and stop pretending that anything lasts forever.

So back to my 30 year defacto marriage.  I know without a doubt that he's the person I want to spend my life with.   But do I want to get married?  Hell no.  I don't have a romantic bone in my body and would rather stick pins in my eyes than organise a wedding. 

Further to your second paragraph, having been married once before and walked away from it, I now have trouble with the vows because I know that despite loving my husband dearly, if things went really really bad, I'd break the vows and leave.  And so what's the point in making vows which one is prepared to break?    Is this where you're at?

 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, neowulf said:

What I wanted was to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have children.

9 hours ago, neowulf said:

I suppose I'm just struggling to accept that the trajectory of my life has been so wildly different than the one I planned for myself

At 42 you are not too old for this still to happen but you need to be focused and act swiftly.
Your current gf is not the one and never has been, hence why you coasted along.
She has filled a cosy space but in your eyes she is not "wife" material, not your wife material anyway, that is the main problem.
She may be a lovely woman but she is just not good enough.
She is the woman you shack up with, not the woman you marry. 
She is also just coasting along in the hope one day you will marry her, but as the years pass she will become less accepting of the status quo and likely more bitter. She is not naturally someone who would be happy to live together forever.

Yes, you could continue with things deteriorating until you split and then comfort yourself by saying
"See, I was right it never would have worked" OR you marry and regret it till you split anyway... Again you can say "See, it didn't work",
OR you can be more active and go seek out that wife and family you always wanted... 

[neowulf]

43 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

At 42 you are not too old for this still to happen but you need to be focused and act swiftly.
Your current gf is not the one and never has been, hence why you coasted along.
She has filled a cosy space but in your eyes she is not "wife" material, not your wife material anyway, that is the main problem.
She may be a lovely woman but she is just not good enough.
She is the woman you shack up with, not the woman you marry. 
She is also just coasting along in the hope one day you will marry her, but as the years pass she will become less accepting of the status quo and likely more bitter. She is not naturally someone who would be happy to live together forever.

Yes, you could continue with things deteriorating until you split and then comfort yourself by saying
"See, I was right it never would have worked" OR you marry and regret it till you split anyway... Again you can say "See, it didn't work",
OR you can be more active and go seek out that wife and family you always wanted... 

Thanks for your thoughts Elaine.  I don't agree with everything you've said, but I appreciate it.

[World Peace Guy]

Marriage is just a legal document. A piece of paper. It can cause fights, just as any legal contract can cause fights. What makes a long lasting marriage, is when both people are committed to it. When both people work at the relationship, do things for each other, etc. When both people make it their priority in life, above almost all else. That is what makes a marriage last.

Your fear, is from seeing others have problems. It sounds like you really do want to marry her, but you are afraid. Forget about the legal contract, and ask yourself if you can fully commit to her, without it. Can you commit to making her your priority, above almost all else (only God/mankind is supposed to come before that). Are you afraid of making that commitment, or is it just the paper document you are afraid of?

Fear of commitment is a natural thing, but if you run away from commitment, you may never find true happiness. You seem to want that commitment/happiness, but you are running away from it. If you want it, grab it, but if you do, don't ever forget that you really want it. You have to keep grabbing it, all your life.

[Fletch Lives]

Many women want to get married......so if you date, I think this should be expected, and you should be prepared. To many women, it's romantic.

That said, since you have a poor view of marriage.... and she's not threatening to leave you over it, why not just continue as boyfriend and girlfriend for now? 

Ultimately, I'm more interested in couples staying happily together.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, neowulf said:

I don't want to lose my partner

There doesn't seem to be an ultimatum for you to move out, is there?

[Interstellar]

How does she treat you? is she flexible or structured? caring? sweet? thoughtful? is she loyal? does her words match her actions? does she take care of herself?

If you answered yes, on all of them then i’d marry her. But if there’s any ex boyfriends in the background, in social media or through text, then i’d withdraw the ring immediately, hah.

Edited February 17, 2021 by Interstellar

[Angelle]

If you aren't excited about it, then you shouldn't get married. It wouldn't be fair to either of you.